Intruder800

Man, I am really ashamed. I was doing well. I haven't been here in awhile, but I had so much help and support from all of you. I am SO sorry to disappoint. I hope some of you will help me.

If you would please read my original thread, I won’t have to rehash some pretty painful history.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-to-recovery/cirrhosis-please-read-all-help-54750.html


I had some major tragedy strike during the holidays and I fell, HARD. I was right back where I started!! I have improved some since then. But I am not ready to stop entirely. I only drink on weekends for the most part. I am just having a ton of trouble getting back to where I was. My attitude has changed, I don’t have the enthusiasm or something.

There is just TOO DAMN MUCH going on in my life. I am taking care of home, business and everything else, and frankly, right now, that (at least to me) is amazing. I am just so down and hurt, I need some time I guess.

Please don’t be too harsh, but I do appreciate your comments and advice.

CJ

Anna

Hi Intruder,

It doesn't help to be so hard on yourself. Many of us have failed repeatedly in our attempts and it's the coming back and trying again that is important.

What you need to understand is that there will ALWAYS be reasons to drink, always, and you need to learn new ways to deal with those situations. You need to gain the confidence that you can get through life without depending on alcohol. And, you can do this bit by bit. Each time you get through a day, deal with your emotions and move on, you are gaining strength. In my opinion, it's the only way to do it.

You can do this and I hope you keep posting!

roadie58

Well hate to disagree but you're NOT back where you started, cause you're THAT much closer to understanding lack of control and unmanageability. We're starting to mess with your buzz, you see, because you come back here after a brief stint of experimenting. After a while, any relapses will be come less and less until you feel guilty BEFORE going out there.

But remember, relapse is NOT part of recovery. You don't have to do it again. Just remember the pain, shame, and remorse that you feel right now. That might help.

bikewench

Gee Intruder...
you write like we all have never hit the dirt.. ;o)

Returning to familiar ways of coping is a natural inclination.

We have work our way to better ways to cope.
This generally isn't visited on us in one big dollup...
We have to pick our way through...
live and learn...
fall and do it better next time..

I get times in my life where everything piles up.
Before.. I would use my way though it... and then deal with the crash after everything moved on and left me a dry lifeless husk behind.
Now.. I'm careful about what I let in my life...
too careful some of my program friends tell me...
they say I am isolating.. cause I keep people at arms length.. except for a very few...

But.. I know for me that isn't true.

I simply cannot deal with the anxiety of adding extra consideration to my life.
In fact.. I've made myself singular in my relationship.. am moving my daughter to a less volitile place in my heart... and take the rest of my family in small manageable bites...

I had to get life to stop running me.

I am responsible for the quality of my life.
And I have the right to make it whatever it needs to be for me...
not my kid.. not my Mom or Dad.. or friends.. or customers...

.. or whoever..

Never thought it was possible..
I know today that it is.
I am the driver of my bus.. and I say what goes..


.... after I talk to God that is.. lol


Anyway.. some of my own stuff there...

Glad your back..
Saying a prayer for self forgiveness for you.

Intruder800

51anna, Roadie58 & Bikewench,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies as I have no one to talk to about this. I know what your saying and I had been doing a pretty good job up until recently. I agree with what you say, but sometimes it is just too hard! Sometimes it is just bigger than me.

My wife of 14 years deserted me and my son’s over two years ago. I have been dealing with that. She did it in a very hurtful, ugly way (3 affairs, one with my older son’s Tae Kwon Do instructor!) and it hasn’t gotten any better. No one has ever hurt me this badly or ever will again. She turned into someone I did not know. I asked her one time early on when she was here, I said “Ya know, one thing that continues to bother me, you never even said you were sorry.” There was an extremely long silence as she continued curling her hair, then she looked over at me and said “I’m not sorry…….I have no regrets.” I will never forget that. My best friend, my life partner, my everything!! It is still on my mind very heavily everyday. Only now it has to share room with a lot of other things. I have been doing a good job raising my boys. They have been hurt by her as well. My 6 year old prays every night “for Mommy to have a safe trip home.” He doesn’t understand, he hurts and I hate to see it. She lives out of state. She doesn’t call or write or anything. No Christmas card or call, nothing on his birthday ect. It is just awful. She knows my older son’s (15) cell phone number but doesn’t call him either. He is actually not my biological son. Which is another amazing part of this story. We have never used the word “step” her, but he does know. He also knows I AM HIS DAD. He is a great kid and I love him more than life. But I have been dealing with that, running the household, running a business ect. I have been doing everything she did, plus everything I did, but I am doing it without the mutual support we once shared. She was a “stay-at-home-mom”.

In mid October my Dad got sick and the day before Thanksgiving he died. I was at his bedside with my Mom as he took his last breath. It was so hard for us to deal with. Mom was dealing with it all quite well until less than two weeks later she was going out to dinner with my brother and his wife and fell and broke her femur. She had to have emergency surgery to install a titanium rod. She was recovering SO well. She was even enjoying her physical therapy. She had her hair and nails done and she was looking and feeling great. The boys and I visited her everyday, sometimes more than once. She was just looking forward to going home and starting a new chapter in her life. I got a call at 7:30 in the morning the day before Christmas eve that Mom was in cardiac arrest, unresponsive and not breathing. I was shocked as I had just seen her the day before, twice. She even called me that night because our visit got cut short because she had to go to P.T. “She said I just wanted to call and say I’m sorry our visit got cut short”. I raced up to the rehab facilty (1 mile from my house) in tears, just freaking out. Minutes after I got there, they came out and dropped a bomb on my life. My dear sweet Mom, my "rock" was gone. I just lost my knees and fell to the floor. I am still in denial I guess. Not enough to not feel the pain though. I didn’t even have a chance to mourn my Father. I went to the cemetery before Mom died and it was so hard to visit my Brother’s grave AND Dad’s. The very next time I was out there we were burying my mother. It is just overwhelming for me right now. It all happened so fast, now it is my brother, my Dad and my Mom. It has been so hard to deal with without my wife.

We have been having to deal with the house and all the other things that come with this territory. It was/is so hard to just walk in that house. There are so many memories. EVERYTHING has a memory. I miss them so damn much!

When I drink (which is primarily just on the weekend now) I don’t get “drunk”, but I do drink a significant amount of straight Gin. I am in control and all, it’s just that I have a cirrhosis and should not be drinking at all. I do hope to get back to complete sobriety. I just am not ready today. Please don’t beat up on me. I am a good father. I lost both of my parents and became an orphan in the span of a month, but I still made sure my boys had as good a Thanksgiving and Christmas as I could provide. I was proud of how we made it through the holidays. I remained strong for them and explained what needed explaining. You have to understand that I had been picking them up from school, getting them home, starting them on their homework, preparing what they would eat and going to the hospital or rehab until near bedtime since the middle of October. On top of that running the business that pays the bills.

I know what all of your messages are saying, and I appreciate it, but sometimes it just isn’t that simple.

Thank you all very much, it is good to vent I think. Thank you for listening. Sorry this was so long.

CJ

ilovebdj

Intruder,

I'm new here, and I'm dealing w/ an active alcoholic in my life right now. I just wanted to say I hope that you really do have things under control, as you say. Please think of those precious boys. You wouldn't want them turning to alcohol when things go south, right? You are obviously under so much stress and can't find ways to cope. If you feel like drinking, why not scoop the boys up and go for a walk? I know, never that simple....just thought I'd throw it out there.

I think it is so admirable of you raising these boys, including your step (not step) son. You should be admired and praised for all of the work you have put into these boys. Just keep thinking about them and hopefully the rest will fall naturally. They want their Daddy to be healthy and around for a long time. Drinking w/ cirrohis is not going to help that situation. If you can't think of yourself and your own health, just think of everything the boys have gone through as well and try to use that motivation to ensure that you'll be around when they need you in the future.

Good luck w/ everything. xoxoxoxo

mythreesons

((((CJ)))) I Just wanted to give you some hugs. You have so much going on right now and I can't even imagine the pain of loss that you feel. I can see from what you write that you know what you need to do, I hope things get easier for you and you are able to draw strength from your boys. They are so lucky to have such a great, caring and devoted Dad. More Hugs and prayers to you CJ and your sons, while you work through this very difficult time.

Purrdy

It brought tears to m y eyes when I read your experience...My heart and prayers go out to you....

You are already so strong to have coped thus far my friend and I hope you will find the strength to quit the drinking too...you know in your heart that you are using this as a coping mechanism right now and you say you are not ready to stop well that is your decision...

All I know is that the pain you are experiencing right now is going to help someone else one day....It may seem like the world has come to an abrupt end and that you just cant go on but please please hang in there bud,,,If only I could make all that pain go away, if only something i said would help.....

Please know this though, there are genuine loving people here who REALLY care and will be there for you to help in whtever way they can...People with wise words who have been through similar experiences and emotions...

I dont knwo waht else to say except those boys need you so much they are relying on you....if there is any help available one to one wherever you live then seek it out ASAP for yourself...

Maybe a meeting might help?

Be strong my friend I am praying for you and sending you a whole bubble of love....hang in there please

Love Purrddyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cathy31

Great point, Anna.

Intruder, glad you are here your story brought tears to my eyes too. I am so so sorry for your pain. But...drinking is only making it worse, yuo know.

Have you considered reaching out to AA, there you will find love and support. I am so sorry you had to go through this dreadful time, and indeed you sound like a great dad - and that you were a very special son to your dear dad and mom.


Cathy31
x

Etimee

Hey CJ - I know how totally overwhelming things are for you.

I hope you stick around here and take a journey along with all of us to a healthier place.

Next time you hug your kids, give them an extra tight hug from all of us!

Etimee

BSPGirl

Aww, Intruder, I too know how certain situations can lead to falling of the wagon again, but you just gotta pick yourself up, brush yourself off, learn from what's happened and get going again. At least that's my philosophy. I'll be thinking of you. If you got the drinking under control, then good.

Luckyv2

You know why we drink? It is because we want to. If I would go out today and pick up my favorite bottle of JD, or my dope ICE (Meth), it would because I chose to do that. I can not blame anyone else, or anything else for my decisions. The other day I had an experience that I was really lucky to even escape from. I didn't use or drink but I got so Angry with myself for putting myself in that situation. I hope that you will let go of this and move forward. It has taken me a few days to forgive myself but hey we all are human and we will make mistakes. The only thing that we can do is learn from them and try not to repeat them. Sending good thoughts your way.

Love Vic

Hope

I know how hard it is but don't give up. Keep on moving forward. Each day brings new opportunities for miracles and learning experiences.
Keep coming back!

Purrdy

oh and by the way....


You have not failed.....

you are a winner....keep it that way buddy!

Love Purrdddyxxxx

bikewench

(((Intruder)))

Your doing a hell of a job man.... !!!

And now.. your here... and hopefully.. you'll wash that woman right outa your head and get on with the business of your life...

Because we have no control over what other people do... and to invest our energy and our life into continueing on their dysfunctional path when they are LONG gone..................................
... well......

That just honors their dysfunction...
and totally takes away from the honor of our recovery from crazyiness... ours and others.


Your aware of your booze tendancies... and that's good...
Don't ever forget that with booze though.. the slope is always down...
it never goes up.. ;o)

So.. stay close here...
Lean on us and we'll all walk together to a better place...

Praying for additional strength and perseverance for you...

Time4Change

CJ/Intruder, you are one amazing man! Thank you for taking the time to write out your story. I'm sure it'll touch many, many others as it's touched me. I will pray for you, friend. Those boys of yours are so blessed to have you as their father. You've received lots of great information here from the others and I feel I don't have much to add, except that I think you're incredible!

I hope you'll continue to update us on your progress, be it good or bad. We'll be here for you, k? I'm a member of NA, and I know that whenever I have a problem, my NA family will always step up to help. Maybe you could get involved in AA a few nights a week and build up a support system there. Before you know it, you'll have folks who'll offer to help you with rides, meals, babysitting, homework ... the list goes on and on. Just a thought.

Prayers going out for you today, CJ.

~ Kelly ~

Sun Shine

wow! wow! wow! what an amazing chain of crappy events have invaided your life! there is no question about that. i believe that was pretty fearless of you to share so honestly, knowing(deep down) what kind of advice would be given. be fearless again, put down the drink. i have to think that somewhere inside you you know your flirting with disaster. and we all know that we will keep pushing the envelope until something or someone makes us stop. Don't orphan your boys physically, or emotionally. You love them too much for that. You deserve them and they deserve you! You have not failed. on the contrary you seem like a fighter, and now it's time to get in the ring and fight! Fight for your life and your boys lives! You seem like such a gentle soul. I wish you much love, success, and prayers.
sun shine

LittleC

Hi,

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes, and that's natural in recovery. As long as you learn from it that's what is important. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.

Little C

whatsnext

Failing is like falling...once you hit bottom, you can only get back up again.

Intruder800

Man, the first thing I want to say is I feel like I have someone to talk to here! All of your heartfelt responses were unexpected, FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD! I have to say, I am somewhat overwhelmed. Thank you all.


ilovebdj,

As far as the walk, I don't know how to say this, but a walk simply doesn't cut it as far as drinking. I do take the boys and our two dogs to the park not far from here often during the week. They love going to the park. My 6 year old just got a cool kite we will be taking there soon. Maybe even today, it will be just over 70 degrees today.

MythreeSons
You can rest assured, I draw my strength from the boys. They are the reason I live right now. I am so lucky to have them. Thank you for your kind words.

Purrdy,
Purrdy, your kind, compassionate words were especially comforting for me, thank you. I am thinking most of you responding here are women, so you may not completely understand some of the feelings I have. (Please don't take offense by that comment, I LOVE women and have a great deal of respect for them in many ways.) I have thought about some counseling through Hospice. They offered. It is really hard to talk to strangers about everything going on in my life (It's different here, you can't see when I cry). Especially with the most recent loss of my Mom and Dad. I am strong and do good around my kids and other folks when I am not talking about it, but I know I would just completely fall apart talking to someone about it all and I would be embarrassed as heck. Plus, the person on the other end would be overwhelmed with the "purging" I need to do. Like I am doing to you guys! You have to understand that before my Dad got sick (which was the beginning of the nightmare of losing both of my parents, with whom I was very close) I was still reeling from the what my wife, my best friend, my lover did to me and my boys. I am far from over that. Ya know, about two years ago, around November '03 when all that started, I was not only suicidal, but HOMICIDAL as well. Then to have to deal with these current events without her. I mean picture it, a fumbling Dad, mourning the loss of his parents, trying to get the kids properly outfitted for funerals and well, just the whole thing with no one to lean on. She didn't even know they had died until last week. My parents loved her. They treated her like a daughter. She hurt them so much. I only assume she knows now, because her Sister called here last week and I told her sister that they had both died over the holidays. That's how dark she went. Anyway, I made the move to go to the Hospice counseling and didn't get a call back until just the other day. Now, I have talked myself out of it again. My second biggest reason for not going is I just don't have the time during the week. I get home from work and pick up my youngest son at school (15 yr old takes the bus) get them started on homework and whatever chores, then I go back to work for 1-3 hours. I come home and try to do something with them, then get dinner, do laundry, dishes and whatever phone calls (business) I have to make along with paper work ect. Bed time for my youngest is 8PM on school nights. Never enough hours in a day.

Cathy31,

I too know there will ALWAYS be reasons to drink. But seriously, I don't think they will be quite as overwhelming as the ones I am currently dealing with. Even with these I am doing quite well, limiting it to weekends and even then, no one would be able to tell I had been drinking. I mean I don't over do it, it's just that I should not be drinking AT ALL with the liver damage I have.
Well, actually, it does help me a lot! It is just a break from it all, it is a time I can really feel like I can take a break from it all. <----I know, the words of an alcoholic, I heard it too:lame:

Again, time is a big issue and I don't want to sound cheap, but doesn't AA cost? Also, without getting into all sorts of detail, I am not divorced yet and there is potential for custody problems as my 15 yr old is not my biological Son, I don't need to provide ammo, "proof" that I am an alcoholic.
I had the best Mom and Dad in the world. They were the most gentle, generous, caring, intelligent, sweet people I have ever known. Not just to us (I have three brothers and a little sister, I lost one of my brothers in the war,) but to everyone they came in contact with. They were always there for me. My Mom was my "Rock". As I was hers. The boys and I were over there several times a week. They were the most fantastic Grandparents, spoiling the boys. We did a lot for them over there. We did their lawn every week, took care of the pool and anything else they needed help with. We went to church with them every Sunday. We were good to each other. After spending nearly 10 years in the military, overseas in Germany, Korea, Greece and away from them most of the time, I swore I would never live far from them again.

Etimee,

Thank you. I'd like to. I just hope you all can tolerate my purging and whining.
I did.

BSPGirl,

I will get up, I will brush myself off, not sure what I will learn, but I will get going again, I just need some time. Thanks BSPGirl.

luckyv2,

Thanks for responding with your experience. Please don't think I blame anyone or anything, I am what I am because of my choices. I'm hoping I will improve, I just can't do it any better right now, I need a little time.

Hope4life,

Thank you, I will keep moving forward because what's behind me is a mess!!


Bikewench,

Thank you for writing again.

You have to realize how hard that is. She is the mother of two of my favorite people on this planet. She was my BEST friend, she was supposed to be my life partner, my lover. Now that is destroyed and there is no way to fix the damage she has done. I can't seem to "Just get over it" as I have been told.

When I have sleepless nights, the feelings I have in my gut about everything is like horror. I mean, it's hard to explain, but if you have ever been in a situation where you thought tragedy was imminent, and I don't just mean your life was in danger, but that of others as well....terror.

Time4Change,

Kelly, thank you for your very kind words. I have not felt "amazing" in a very long time. You are too nice. You made me feel good.

I think you got that mixed up a little. I am the one who is blessed to BE their father.

Sun Shine,

Thank you for writng,

You're probably right. About a year and a half ago, I prayed to God and my brother to help me improve my life. The answer I got, not long after was the diagnosis of liver damage. In other words, "here's your help, now stop drinking." I did, on Easter Sunday. That worked for awhile, then Dad got sick and things started spiraling. I am not making excuses, or maybe I am. I wanted a drink, a break. I don't want to flirt with disaster or push any envelope, but you're right, I probably am. Right now, that's all I can do. I have weakened and I need to regain my strength and give it another go, another "fight". Thank you for your thoughtful, kind words. Thank you for your prayers.

LittleC,

I'm tryin'. I am trying to learn and gain the strength. I need more than a day too.

Thank you all for all the thoughtful, kind, intelligent, helpful things you have had to say. I will try not to waste your time. So far, your words, prayers, kindness and, may I say, friendship has been a great deal of help to me and my self-esteem, my motivation level and well, you just made me feel better.

Sincerely,
CJ