Anguished

ABF has finally been working for the last 3 weeks. Now, we’re not talking full time but at least a few hours up to 8 hours daily. This is the first time he has worked in 2 years. But, that doesn’t mean he isn’t drinking – he is, either in the afternoon or at night. Living with him has been bearable. I only have to deal with him for about an hour every evening before he passes out for the night. He doesn’t try to pick fights or anything since the last grueling episode.

I wish he would stop drinking, for himself not me but, I know that won’t happen anytime soon, so if he’s at least functioning for the first time in 2 years I would equate that to being a good thing… Right?? He says he doesn’t want to drink as much as he used to drink… then again, I can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

I will be traveling 3 days next week for work. It should be interesting to see how he reacts to being alone. Not that I really care but last time I traveled he told me he drank every 3 - 4 hours and acknowledged that he needed to get it together or he would drink himself to death when I move out.

The move out date is getting closer. Originally I had planned to leave and head north to Philly. I had a meeting with my company President and the SVP(my boss) about how my role with the company would change it I felt I had to head north for a few months. (They are both fully aware of my situation and my job requires me to be out of the corp location) The President told me that from his own personal experience in life that sometimes it isn’t better to run but to stand my ground and hence, not leave the area. He, on the company’s behalf would give me legal protection or any type of protection I would need should ABF go off the deep end. Then on top of that they offered me an extraordinary opportunity to assist in the development and run a whole new line of business. I almost fell out of my chair – run from ABF or have the career opportunity of a lifetime. I told them if they put it all in writing - then I promise I won’t leave. Now, this happened last week and I still haven’t shared this with ABF. I’m scared. Before, I have to admit, I really used my moving out of the area because of an executive decision but now, I’ll be moving out by my own decision… Don’t get me wrong, we decided to split and I pushed moving out of the area because I didn’t want him to harass me, but I blamed it on work. I might be making a mountain out of a molehill but – we agreed to separate and we’re selling off all our properties. Nut and bolts: I’m just afraid he’ll try to convince me to stay since I won’t be moving out of state. Then I’m scared of having to totally reject him. Codependency at it’s finest…

Thanks for listening and sorry it’s a long, babbling, incoherent mess…

Anguished