Kruggel2004

Last night I had a long talk with a good friend of mine about my situation with my AH. She talked to me about trying to be as positive as I could as essentially I was working at building his character because he is not strong enough to do it on his own. This made sense to me. So I thought, why not give it a shot..
I called my AH while running an errand just to see if he needed anything, he said some nice things and I said some nice things. I than went home.
When my AH came home he was already half inebriated and upon further inspection had driven home while drinking. Needless to say my postivity went out the window. I was not mean or hateful but rather just let him know I could no longer be blamed for "not trying hard enough" when he wasn't trying at all. He also recently admitted that her started smoking cigarettes again. So while he was sleeping, I took his cigarettes and put them down the garbage disposal.
I have to say it got quite humerous after that, as he eventually woke up, came to bed and said, "Don't you think your wasting money by throwing away my cigarettes". My response was that he is already wasting money by buying them so I was just speeding up the process..He laughed and said I've got a good sense of humor. I plan to continue the garbage disposal method daily, although it might be more expensive this way, at least I'm getting my point across..but does it really? I just want me to come first for once..boy this is hard!!!

elizabeth1979

Hi!
The nature of active addiction, is the addiction comes first.
I know its hard, but it gets easier when we accept that.
I knew my needs would never come first, UNLESS I MADE THEM COME FIRST.
The most important thing I can tell you here, is you are in charge of your needs and your happiness. Make your own happiness, put your needs first. Alot of us codependents feel like screaming, what about me?

Well, what about us? We have to makes ourselves the #1 priority, bc the alcoholic is sick and wont put anything or anyone ahead of the addiction!

bikewench

.. then put yourself first...

No one is going to shoot you to the front of the line except you.

And you have the right to be first in your life.

Doing for others what they should be doing for themselves...
that puts them first.

And I have to say that .. trying to control another person's bad habits is pretty much a waste of time.. but.. it's your time.. ;o)

Blessings on your efforts to sort this all out though Kruggel...
a warm welcome to SR...

emily33

throwing smokes away is a huge waste of time and energy. My ex hated smoking and he would always throw mine away, or put them under water. I am only saying this because it did no good, I would buy them and hide them. Smoking is a really hard thing to quit just like alcohol. I am on my fourth week of quiting today, and it is hell, especially when my H smokes, in my house the same kind that I use to smoke. It is hell, and I have relapsed twice since my quit date but I am not giving up the quit. No matter what anyone said to me, it didnt help me quit, I had to make my mind up on my own that this is what I wanted.

There are alot of addictions, maybe going on a diet for some is hell, after a week of salads, you want the bowl of ice cream, or you are addicted to caffine, and need that coffee.

It is just hell trying to give up something you have been addicted to for years. Quitting smoking has given me a little better understanding of addictions. I had to want it for myself.

goffredo

You're wasting your time and energy. I've been there, done that with alcohol and cigarettes. It doesn't work. I am not an addict or an alcoholic so I will never understand what they go through exactly but I used to smoke cigarettes. They were particularly bad for me as I am diabetic on insulin and I only stopped when I decided to stop. when people were telling me the same thing over and over again, I totally dismissed them. I do thank the doctors who told me that if I kept on doing it I would have suffered serious consequences and the fear of those eventually made me stop. However they never took the cigarettes away from me and put them in the bin. I also thank my sister who never threw them away but firmly asked me not to smoke in her house, car, at the dinner table. There, I had to listen i had to respect her request.

After failing with my alcoholic/addict partner in throwing cigarettes or beer down the sink (she would promptly buy another packet or have another can/bottle somewhere else or just go out anyway!) I learnt that recovery would have to come from her and that I was powerless. Alanon helped me a lot in getting to this point. what I realised I was powerful over was to politley ask her not to smoke anywhere in the house and not to drink/use in the house. If drink/driving I have the choice not to get in the car with her. I told her once of the danger she was putting herself into by drinking/drugging smoking (all 3 for 25 years) and saw the fear in her eyes. the rest she did herself. when I realised I was saying those things not just once, but over and over again: I was controlling and not giving her the respect to take her own decisions. i hope it helps. Love Jo