rooroo

My M and I are both in recovery, me for my co dependency and him for drinking. 60 Days has gone by. Lately, he has be short tempered and cranky. I try to let it go, however, somedays I can't. I know it is not easy for him and it sure is not easy for me to break all of my habits that I have developed over the years. What can I do? I can't tell him what I think he needs to do because that would make me just as bad. I guess what I am looking for is a suggestion on how I can defuse the situtation enough so we can both deal with or something I can say do anything just to help us both calm down just for one minute and think.... I have been really trying to realize that I don't have to everything myself and that life really does go on if I don't have my "hands" on the situation so I let M handle it. How can I tell if what I ask is really too much at this point?

Beautiful

"I'm feeling some hostility right now. Have I done something to upset you or am I mistaken?"

(Or are you just being a jerk which is probably the most accurate.)

velvet

I'm assuming that M is your spouse, bf, man in your life? Try your best not to criticize. I know that can be hard sometimes. Overlook the small things that may irritate you. Even if you have to remove yourself from the situation, or area. Try going back to when you first met...and treat him as if you were trying to get him to like you, all over again. Do those little things that made him feel good back then. i know it might seem like you're kissing his a**, but give it a day or two and see if he responds. I'm sure the house is very tense right now. Maybe a candlelight dinner for starters. Remember, both of you are changing and he has alittle more on his plate than you..(not that you don't matter, you do!) Good luck.

goffredo

Rooroo I've been there, i know how you feel. My partner is now nearly 5 months sober and clean and things are slowly getting better. i forgot that recovery (her and mine) takes time and time is this thing i shouldn't fight. Also remember: it's not personal, although it feels totally aimed at you, the irritability, the sudden outburst of anger has got nothing to do with us. My partner was like that at 60 days sober and she told me that it was because she has so many feelings, never felt before that she didn't know what to do with them and not knowing what they even were! The irritability was coming also from experiencing a great chemical change in her brain and body. My partner's brain and body had been used to all sorts of drugs and alcohol for 25 years, now, all over sudden: nothing! Also, i expected things to change quickly, i expected her to make up to me for all the anger, the frustration, the hurt. i wanted all the attention: physical, emotional, psychological. I still felt neglected, ignored. I was also still in my old ways of reacting whci I am slowly changing. She was over the top with everything: reading too much, eating too much, sleeping too much, always tired, not wanting to interact with me, talk to me and when I tried, we would argue. I wasn't giving her any space: as soon as i came back home I was talking to her like a machine gun, i was all over her wanting affection, and i was doing those things at the worst times, almost knewing how she would react so that then I could get angry, resentful, upset. You need patience and work on your programme, have faith and things will get better. occasionally, I told my partner that I too was in recovery, that it was all new to me too, that I had needs. I proposed for her to come to my Alanon meetings a couple of times to see what's it like for us, what we go or have been through. Patience, patience and more patience. Break the cycle: when she was (and still is) irritable, I have learnt to tell her calmly (and maybe the day after, rather than when it's happening) that she's acting out, over reacting and I often remove myself from the room and go and read my book. Often I also said sorry. Easy does it. Love Jo

rooroo

Thank you. I will try to remember easy does it... I appreciate the reminders!!

equus

You're allowed to make mistakes while you learn and so is he. I found that sometimes I can be in the lead but sometimes D is so I try to avoid the whole frustrated thing and treat his mistakes the way I want mine treated.

It helped me lots when I realised one of other of us would be doing better now and then, that we were unlikely to always be neck and neck.

denny57

Here we have some Al-Anon meetings that are focused on recovery and its special challenges. Do you have the literature "Living with Sobriety?"

BlueMoon

How 'bout talking??
Just saying "You know, I've noticed that you don't seem to be feeling all that great lately and I'd like/need/want for us to be able to talk about what's going on for us. (Cuz I've lost my magic powers to read your mind, Sweetie. )"

Just *talking* is huge and can be scary for both sides - and it takes practise! But it can dissolve soooo many negative feelings - it's worth it.

and THAT said - I'm AA and AL-anon - and just cuz I'm in recovery, doesn't mean I can treat my partner like crap. Issues within my recovery might be giving me problems - but I still hafta "play nice". That means when I'm having "one of those days" I still need to treat those around me with RESPECT. It means that if something is bugging me, it's MY JOB to share with my A-BF - it is NOT his job to read my mind.