Questions for recovered alcholics
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Questions for recovered alcholics
If the shoe was on the other foot, and you were in your spouse's shoes (significant other, whatever), would you have stayed in the relationship before there was any recovery?
The other question....
If you were to get involved with an active alcoholic now, would you stick around even if they showed no signs of wanting to recover?
I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for the "alcoholic's" side of the story. That certain level of compassion/understanding that comes from folks who have BTDT, ya know.
Just curious.
Thanks, Shannon
The other question....
If you were to get involved with an active alcoholic now, would you stick around even if they showed no signs of wanting to recover?
I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for the "alcoholic's" side of the story. That certain level of compassion/understanding that comes from folks who have BTDT, ya know.
Just curious.
Thanks, Shannon
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 1,639
.............................
I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for the "alcoholic's" side of the story. That certain level of compassion/understanding that comes from folks who have BTDT, ya know...............
I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for the "alcoholic's" side of the story. That certain level of compassion/understanding that comes from folks who have BTDT, ya know...............
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 1,639
............................. ....................
I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for the "alcoholic's" side of the story. That certain level of compassion/understanding that comes from folks who have BTDT, ya know...............
you are asking because you want to dump the guy
i don't blame you
but
i won't validate your method to get some courage
you already know the answer
best
fraankie
I guess I'm asking because I'm looking for the "alcoholic's" side of the story. That certain level of compassion/understanding that comes from folks who have BTDT, ya know...............
you are asking because you want to dump the guy
i don't blame you
but
i won't validate your method to get some courage
you already know the answer
best
fraankie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
you are asking because you want to dump the guy
My problem is that I lost the ability to have compassion and understanding this weekend. So what I was looking for, was more along the lines of an alcholics perspective of alcoholics. How alcoholics have compassion/understanding for other alcoholics who are struggling with the disease. Some different points of view to remind myself (in the future) that my husband is a human who is deserving of love and compassion, no matter what.
Hope that helps clarify!
Shannon
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Hi Getting by..............
My name is Lee and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am not sure if I can answer your question, you see the reason I do love my fellow Alkies, is because I identify with the HELL they have come from. It really is difficult for a non-alkie to understand the lack of choice, experienced by active alkies. it is a progressive disease, and in the end , there just was not a choice for me wether to drink or not =========I HAD TO.............. it was a daily battle, which I invariably lost.
To answer your questions :
With the benefit of hindsight , NO I would not have stayed with me .......or any other Alkie
And NO, now I would not choose to become involved with an active alkie at all
I was so full of self pity when I was drinking, I thought everything should revolve around poor little me, now I can see the insanity of my perspective on life , and would make different choices.
HUGX
Lee
My name is Lee and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I am not sure if I can answer your question, you see the reason I do love my fellow Alkies, is because I identify with the HELL they have come from. It really is difficult for a non-alkie to understand the lack of choice, experienced by active alkies. it is a progressive disease, and in the end , there just was not a choice for me wether to drink or not =========I HAD TO.............. it was a daily battle, which I invariably lost.
To answer your questions :
With the benefit of hindsight , NO I would not have stayed with me .......or any other Alkie
And NO, now I would not choose to become involved with an active alkie at all
I was so full of self pity when I was drinking, I thought everything should revolve around poor little me, now I can see the insanity of my perspective on life , and would make different choices.
HUGX
Lee
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
No and No...
I left a husband because of his drinking...and I was drinking too.
I left a lover who was drinking when I opted for sobriety.
I would never date a drinker.
I certainly hope you are in Al anon.
I left a husband because of his drinking...and I was drinking too.
I left a lover who was drinking when I opted for sobriety.
I would never date a drinker.
I certainly hope you are in Al anon.
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Can't imagine anything worse than being close to an alcoholic. I don't like who I became and I don't like what alcohol does to people, full stop. I know that the person is capable of being much more, but alcohol takes that away. An alcoholic will protect their habits in many ways, none of them seem to be honest. That invariably infiltrates so many areas of life, I just can't stand that deliberate blindness, dishonesty and the "thievery of true love". And the whole scene just gets worse over time.
Would I stay, no ... did separate from one, although the reasons were more complicated and I was drinking too.
Would I get involved now with anyone with a drinking problem as a sober recovering alcoholic, no, never, ever, ever, ever.
I have empathy, understanding and love for alcoholics. But I am repulsed and disgusted by the things that alcohol makes us do and how it makes us think, I will not live with it again. Even if my children are the ones who are drinking, I could not condone nor tolerate the behaviour again. I lived with alcoholics as a child and that wrecked a lot of the good, I became an alcoholic on leaving home, I married an alcoholic, I never want that stuff back in my home.
But other people find ways of living with an A, I pray you find your peace with it.
love brigid
Would I stay, no ... did separate from one, although the reasons were more complicated and I was drinking too.
Would I get involved now with anyone with a drinking problem as a sober recovering alcoholic, no, never, ever, ever, ever.
I have empathy, understanding and love for alcoholics. But I am repulsed and disgusted by the things that alcohol makes us do and how it makes us think, I will not live with it again. Even if my children are the ones who are drinking, I could not condone nor tolerate the behaviour again. I lived with alcoholics as a child and that wrecked a lot of the good, I became an alcoholic on leaving home, I married an alcoholic, I never want that stuff back in my home.
But other people find ways of living with an A, I pray you find your peace with it.
love brigid
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
It sounds like you really love your husband hun... I would definately seek out folks who have had experience with living with an alcoholic. al-anon is a really good group of folks and they can give you some really good advice.
Only you can make the choices that are right for your situation but being armed with knowledge these folks can offer you can only help you.
best wishes,
Suga
Only you can make the choices that are right for your situation but being armed with knowledge these folks can offer you can only help you.
best wishes,
Suga
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Shannon....I asked my ex John (alcoholic) one time while we
were still together this question:
"John if I were the one with this problem would you do all that
I have done for you (enabling) and would you support me financially, emotionally
and would you stay with me?"
His answer one word "No."
were still together this question:
"John if I were the one with this problem would you do all that
I have done for you (enabling) and would you support me financially, emotionally
and would you stay with me?"
His answer one word "No."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thank you all for your very honest answers. While they weren't exactly what I thought they were going to be... they were, I guess, exactly what I needed to hear. I do attend Al-anon, and have a sponsor, and am working the steps (slowly but surely!).
I think what hits the most is realizing that if an alcoholic wouldn't put up with another alcholics behavior, why should I? Tough question. One that I really don't know the answer to just yet.
More will be revealed, on God's time.
Thanks again,
Shannon
I think what hits the most is realizing that if an alcoholic wouldn't put up with another alcholics behavior, why should I? Tough question. One that I really don't know the answer to just yet.
More will be revealed, on God's time.
Thanks again,
Shannon
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,904
Its wierd isnt it, I am arecovering alcoholic of five years. I had a very troubled past too. My husband stood by me and watched me destroy myself with alcohol. He tried everything to stop me. I n the end he got on his knees and begged me to stop. I will never forget that day. In a moment of clarity I saw waht I had done. the black rings around his eyes, the hollow cheeks adn the tears. This was my knight in shining armour! The man who provided a wonderful home and two georgus children. This was the man who has loved me like no other person on this planet could.
Within a few weeks I had phoned AA and started my recovery.
That was nearly 5 years ago. there is nothing I have done during those drinking days that I have not aknowledged in a AA meeting. I will never forget the look in his eyes.
He and the kids were the reason i stopped drinking. Slowly I have realised its for me too.
I would never have had the staying power to live with me, I would have given up years before.
I can empathise with alcoholics, I love recovering alcoholics. I would not choose to live with an active alcoholic. You wouldnt see me for dust!!!!
It must be gut wrenching for you watching the person you love destroy themselves. They say in AA that the alcoholic has to go so low even to the point where they lose EVERYTHING before they seek help.
Sometimes they never seek help.
I know that when i was drinking all I cared about was ME ME ME. I was lucky enough to have had that few moments of clarity....
That moment of clarity may never come. But for some it does and it changes your life forever.
I hope it all works out right for you.
Love and blessings to you and yours
Purrddyyyxxxxxx
Within a few weeks I had phoned AA and started my recovery.
That was nearly 5 years ago. there is nothing I have done during those drinking days that I have not aknowledged in a AA meeting. I will never forget the look in his eyes.
He and the kids were the reason i stopped drinking. Slowly I have realised its for me too.
I would never have had the staying power to live with me, I would have given up years before.
I can empathise with alcoholics, I love recovering alcoholics. I would not choose to live with an active alcoholic. You wouldnt see me for dust!!!!
It must be gut wrenching for you watching the person you love destroy themselves. They say in AA that the alcoholic has to go so low even to the point where they lose EVERYTHING before they seek help.
Sometimes they never seek help.
I know that when i was drinking all I cared about was ME ME ME. I was lucky enough to have had that few moments of clarity....
That moment of clarity may never come. But for some it does and it changes your life forever.
I hope it all works out right for you.
Love and blessings to you and yours
Purrddyyyxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Colorado Springs CO
Posts: 889
1). No
2). Moot point, I wouldn't get involved/no. Nothing at all against drinking, understand, completely different ball of wax. No practicing alkies though, I just don't need the alcoholic selfishness, chaos and melodrama. Comparing my alcoholic drinking to that of a normal drinker is like comparing a Spanish Inquisitor to a nominal churchgoer.
Best wishes to you!
2). Moot point, I wouldn't get involved/no. Nothing at all against drinking, understand, completely different ball of wax. No practicing alkies though, I just don't need the alcoholic selfishness, chaos and melodrama. Comparing my alcoholic drinking to that of a normal drinker is like comparing a Spanish Inquisitor to a nominal churchgoer.
Best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: London
Posts: 1,229
I would not, unless under exceptional circumstances, get it on with an active alcoholic - one of which I would notice a mile off.
If I loved someone who developed a drinking problem - I would be there for them (with in reason), support them, and would hope that they found recovery.
If I loved someone who developed a drinking problem - I would be there for them (with in reason), support them, and would hope that they found recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 60
Iwouldnt hang around if my wife or Girlfriend caused half of the problems that I used
Hi Shannon,
I'm Steve an alkie from England, Today's my 4364th day without alcohol thanks to AA.
There is no way on earth that I would stay with a woman who Lied, and cheated, because of alcohol or drugs. I used to expect my girlfriends, my wife, my parents, My friends and my employers, to give me one more chance everytime I drank, but if the shoe was on the other foot.
I would have kicked them out after the second time.
Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Coming Back
Steve4364
I'm Steve an alkie from England, Today's my 4364th day without alcohol thanks to AA.
There is no way on earth that I would stay with a woman who Lied, and cheated, because of alcohol or drugs. I used to expect my girlfriends, my wife, my parents, My friends and my employers, to give me one more chance everytime I drank, but if the shoe was on the other foot.
I would have kicked them out after the second time.
Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Coming Back
Steve4364
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
No way would I have stayed with *me* before I got sober - the words "needy binch" come to mind - - -
My AH, who I loved dearly, became my X-AH when he went out and got drunk after 7 yrs sobriety. We'd been together 12 years. I have ZERO tolerence. It's a matter of MY sobriety and MY sanity.
I would NEVER get "involved with" an "active alcoholic". Not an option.
THAT said - ALL of my friends, acquaintances (+ my BF) are recovering alcoholics. Hey - who ELSE would understand ME the way they do?!?
I'll bust my butt to help someone *stay* sober - but once they drink, I'm gone - there is no reasoning with a drunk alcoholic. I learned THAT the hard way.
In 9 days I'll celebrate my 14 year anniversary. I never would have thought I'd be an "old-timer"!!!
Blessings,
Blue
ps.
My AH, who I loved dearly, became my X-AH when he went out and got drunk after 7 yrs sobriety. We'd been together 12 years. I have ZERO tolerence. It's a matter of MY sobriety and MY sanity.
I would NEVER get "involved with" an "active alcoholic". Not an option.
THAT said - ALL of my friends, acquaintances (+ my BF) are recovering alcoholics. Hey - who ELSE would understand ME the way they do?!?
I'll bust my butt to help someone *stay* sober - but once they drink, I'm gone - there is no reasoning with a drunk alcoholic. I learned THAT the hard way.
In 9 days I'll celebrate my 14 year anniversary. I never would have thought I'd be an "old-timer"!!!
Blessings,
Blue
ps.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
She had a problem I didn't *was my thoughts at the time* There was never a question of leaving but there was always a question of...should I be cleaning up after her? Once I stopped cleaning, she stopped drinking.
Now.. would I have put up with me as long as she did? Truthfully I would need say that I don't think so.
Women have more love and compassion by nature then most men.
For that reason alone, I think is why women put up with us and see it though till we recover.
I thank the Lord for the way he made women. I think I would be dead from my poor choices if I didn't find the wonderful wife that I have. Single I don't think I ever would have made it.
Now.. would I have put up with me as long as she did? Truthfully I would need say that I don't think so.
Women have more love and compassion by nature then most men.
For that reason alone, I think is why women put up with us and see it though till we recover.
I thank the Lord for the way he made women. I think I would be dead from my poor choices if I didn't find the wonderful wife that I have. Single I don't think I ever would have made it.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
"Women have more love and compassion by nature then most men.
For that reason alone, I think is why women put up with us and see it though till we recover."
Nah! It's cuz you men just look so darned cute and innocent when you're sleeping! *lmao*
Seriously - if your HP wants you sober, you're gonna get sober no matter what. I really believe that.
After struggling to stay sober for 5 yrs, my x-AH put 7 yrs together sober. Then he gave up + drank.
Now, He's sober again. In prison.
When HP has a plan - - - - -
Blessings,
Blue
For that reason alone, I think is why women put up with us and see it though till we recover."
Nah! It's cuz you men just look so darned cute and innocent when you're sleeping! *lmao*
Seriously - if your HP wants you sober, you're gonna get sober no matter what. I really believe that.
After struggling to stay sober for 5 yrs, my x-AH put 7 yrs together sober. Then he gave up + drank.
Now, He's sober again. In prison.
When HP has a plan - - - - -
Blessings,
Blue
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