BlueMoon

I'm finally growing boundaries and a self-esteem. It feels good and it hurts like hell at the same time.
I'm SO tired of rolling over and begging people to like me - PLEASE LIKE ME!!!
I am NOT perfect by any means, but dammit - I shouldn't have to go through contortions just to please people.

I feel like I am seriously going insane. (Pdoc doesn't think so, so I guess I'm 'ok'.)

I'm trying so hard to sort out the whole "boundary issue" in my head. I've realized that I have pretty much pushed everyone away from me, either at arm's length or totally OUT of my life. All in the last 6 months or so.

So what IS a 'boundary'??
A line that I have drawn around myself - that I ask people not to cross. Sometimes, I *demand*.
It's a line that I've drawn that says "I am not willing to ___________."

I am wondering if I have ever had ANY boundaries before this. I think I THOUGHT that I did, but if someone didn't like them, I was quick to move them, or erase them. Now I'm thinking that is not what a boundary is.
I *think* having boundaries is about having self-esteem. I've never really had that either - just the *attitude*.

I think the boundaries started to sprout last summer. I turned my brother in - to local authorities as well as Federal - for manufacturing drugs and for child pornography. Doing that tore me up - but not as much as NOT doing it would have.
Boundary ---> "I am not willing to have knowledge of children being harmed and NOT do something about it."

It continued with my other brother getting drunk and losing a General Management position - NO ONE in the family could see - - - - well - you know.
I got tired of playing the game. He's 40yo, and moving back into Ma's house cuz heaven forbid he take a "lesser job". I'm so tired of it. I've been 12-stepping him for 14 yrs. I don't expect him to get into AA just cuz *I* said he should. But I can't cope with him until he does.
Boundary ---> "I am not willing to buy into the *bs* games any more."

Ma - Queen Supreme of the Codies! Same boundary as above.
When she insisted on bringing up the topic of AB#2 when I'm pretty sure I'd made it clear that I didn't - wouldn't - talk about it - I hung up the phone. ON MY MOTHER! I said in a calm, nice voice "I really can't talk about that and I have to hang up now." And I did.

RESPECT. Where does respect fit in?? Where do hurt feelings fit in???
Isn't that a boundary as well? How I expect to be treated??

If my feelings are continually hurt by another's actions (or inactions) - isn't that a sign of disrespect?? Feels like it to *me*.

If the subject *has* been discussed (multiple times) and yet nothing changes - then REALLY - should it still be ME who's required/expected to make the phone calls, extend my hand - whatever - is it ME who has "an attitude problem"???

I'm having a really, really rough time with stuff regarding my son + dil.
I am SO sick of how I have been treated since x-AH went away - not quite 2 yrs ago. It's hard to not feel like "they liked HIM better than me." (na na na na na)

Haven't heard from them in 2 wks - when the 3 oldest spent the nite while 'new baby sister' was born.
Oh yes, I'm sure they are very busy. That's been the party-line for 2 yrs now. Any more it sounds like "blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah blahblah"
Boundary ---> "I don't like the way you treat me. I am not willing to play the *bs* games any more."

What is NOT helping me is that I'm being constantly questioned regarding my boundaries. It's OLLLLD stuff. "You're being over-sensitive, you're being a binch, you're this + that - - -"
"We don't LIKE you when you're this way."

*ouch*

THAT would've gotten me back in line real quick before!

NOW? I don't think I care. That's a really weird feeling. To NOT CARE if your family likes you or not.



Blue

mythreesons

(((((Blue))))) I like you and what you said. You are holding fast to your boundries and I'm really proud of you.

sunshinebluesky

they never do................................................ ..oh well,too bad for them

cwohio

do YOU like YOU when you are sticking by your boundaries? the old saying comes to mind, "to thine own self be true". i think you are being healthy.

Pick-a-name

Funny thing (well, really NOT funny) but all my life in everything I can think of I HAVE had and KEPT boundaries. Actually, I took some grief when I was younger because of it, but that did not deter me in the least. Several of the standards were quite high, and people lived by them or we went our seperate ways.
This crept up on me so, that I did not realize I was "drifting" into area that really violate my own boundary lines. I am not sure how it happened, and why I did not realize it;maybe I was not sure what action to take ...I really do not know. My husband is now acting in a way that he is no one I would even consider dating because of his addiction. It is a strange and frightening (and confusing) place to find myself. (Like someone moved the goal-line markers whenI was not looking.)

BlueMoon

I'm really proud of you.

omg - I SOOO needed that! thank you!


.......................... ..oh well,too bad for them
**giggles**
Yep! Exactly!! Thank you for that reminder!


Do YOU like YOU when you are sticking by your boundaries? the old saying comes to mind, "to thine own self be true". i think you are being healthy.

Thank you! YES. I DO like myself when I stick to my boundaries. It feels like I'm sticking up for myself - it's ME telling ME that *I AM worth it.*

"To thine own self be true . . ."
I have worn a silver medallion with those words - every day for the last 13.5 yrs. The 'full' quote has hung in my bathroom for 14 years. Yet I never looked at it in that light before. *wow*

Me being healthy?? ok, NOW I understand why it all feels so strange lately! *lmao*


... someone moved the goal-line markers whenI was not looking.
I think I've been in that neighborhood before. Move them back - and then take the wheels off of them (the boundaries).


Blessings,
Blue

TomsGirl

Hung up on your mother? I've done that a few times lately. It was hard, it was painful, for both of us, but it had to be done. But after I calmed down I would call her and clearly explain why I was angry and where she had crossed the line ... my line. I told her to never, ever utter a statement to me again that starts with the words "You should" as when she does it's followed by advice that I didn't ask for. Unsolicited advice about what I should and shouldn't do from those who have no idea what's it like living and loving an A just drives me up the wall.

Yes Blue, you should be very, very proud of yourself. Keep it up! You're worth it!

mythreesons

You know TG, I really need to talk to my in laws about the "You shoulds" thank you for that, I needed to hear that I wasn't the only one bothered by those words. Big hug to you!

TomsGirl

The last statement from my mother that started with "You should" was "You should get rid of him. Everyone says you should." I then asked her who "Everyone" was and she said "the kids". Meaning my siblings. I said to her "Isn't it nice my family has the time to discuss with each other what I should be doing but none of them have the time to call me just to ask how I'm doing. Nice to know that I'm supplying the grist for their gossip mill!" I then hung up the phone ... hard! I'll admit, I didn't feel great after that conversation. I'll always love my mother with all my heart even if I sometimes don't like what she does. But I didn't feel like I used to after those types of conversations. Like a failure who can't make proper decisions about her life. A failure who dreaded family get togethers because I knew I'd be bombarded with questions and advice that I didn't ask for. No more though. I've set my boundries and stated them very clearly and if you attempt to cross them I will not allow it. It's me with my boundries or you get no me at all. Your loss ... not mine.

dancingdragon

this place rocks.
One thing that helped me to identify boundaries was to think "saying no to that- is saying yes to myself. I think it's tricky and I think it's an up and down road but it's about self love and care.
recently my Mom called me 'snippy'
I'm 52 years old and you can bet that caught my attention.
I told her that I would not listen to lables but that if she wanted to own her feelings and speak for herself, I'd listen. LOL.. just thought I'd add my two cents.

So nice to come here and share.
L

BlueMoon

The weird thing is - when I can be aware that it is "a boundary issue", I am able to be very calm - no matter how angry I am. No matter how hurt I feel. My words, my actions stay level.

What I'm trying to figure out is - so many times "hurt" feels very close to "mad". I'm wondering how closely related the 2 are - if they're not the same sometimes?


Blue

mythreesons

My in laws call and fire off all kinds of you shoulds and then the real toppers are the you know, no I don't know but I am sure you are gonna tell me. Now they are Alanon experts because they went to 2 meetings, 2, and they are "gonna go again, you betcha! Maybe next month." Arggh. He's back tomorrow, he can talk to them if he wants to, my aching ears are off limits for a while!

BlueMoon

omg - tooooooooo funny! I haven't heard that phrase for some time.

Well, you can still sit by me - I'm *almost* 48yo and *my* mom recently informed me that I'm a BRAT.

(I reeeeeeeeeeeally wanted to say "Yeah, but at least I'm not moving in with you cuz I don't have a job!"
**evil laughter**
But I bit my tongue so I got a star by my name for the day!)

mythreesons

I think maybe hurtis the feeling and mad becomes the defense mechanism to cover that hurt. Not sure.

BlueMoon

"My in laws call ..."

I seriously can't say enough good things about "caller ID". Whoever invented it shoulda got a Nobel Peace Prize -

dancingdragon

me too. When I picked up 'the language of letting go' it changed my life.
It's almost like a state of grace.
I've wondered about anger/pain too. For myself, I see anger as the result of other feelings. Sometimes I try to figure out what the original thought was that led to the feeling. what the belief is that I respond to on a feeling level.
but I think what has made the difference to me is that it doesn't matter.
I feel how I feel. it comes down to what I need to do to take care of myself.
It's tricky isn't it?

BlueMoon

yeahhhhh - that's pretty much where my 2 brain cells are headed with it. I dunno - I could argue either side of it -

BlueMoon

dancingdragon -
yeah it IS tricky! For some reason, I seem to think that it's only 'tricky' FOR ME.
(ah yes, that's how special I AM!)

Sometimes I try to figure out what the original thought was that led to the feeling. what the belief is that I respond to on a feeling level.
yes to that as well. I'm just beginning to try to do that on a regular basis. It's pretty interesting!!
It's giving me a deeper understanding of ME - some things, when I can dig down and figure out the "what" or the "why" - I realize that they're not that important at all. Other things have become MORE important.

ah hell - I think I'm growing up -

cwohio

bingo - that's exactly how it was in my case. i'll be dam*ed if i am going to show you i'm hurt therefore, i'll just be angry instead! that was my MO because i guess i didn't know how to communicate my feelings in a constructive way.

mythreesons

In my case, with my husband anyway, I kept saying, "It hurts when you don't come home or even call." "You don't seem to care about how I feel." Now I realize why, he was doing what he was doing and why he stayed away and didn't call. (guilt and shame) But all of those things said, and ignored. I GOT MAD! I don't think mad is bad all the time, RAGE, is bad. And RANT is bad, and it only leaves me with a headache. Did I go way off here. Sorry if I did, I wouldn't want to make anyone mad, now.

Mr. MTS should be home in about 3 hours...