Textbook relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 14
Textbook relapse
I was clean from cocaine for 10 years until a few days ago. I am married, 34, with 2 amazing children, I have a very successful career and my life could not have been going any better! What happened? 6 year ago I stopped going to meetings, I felt I did not fit in very well, most people were still on welfare, lacking ambition etc...all stuck in this same rut (classic excuse). I then made the decision (with my wife and family) to begin drinking alcohol again a year and a half ago because I was convinced that I was just a kid when I got sober (24) and that I was just immature, lacking values etc... and that I could handle it now. Well, I finally made the last mistake and binged for 24 hours on crack while I was away on business 2 days ago. I immediately told my wife and now we are just completely in turmoil. I devastated her world and she is thinking about leaving. I never felt this bad when I used 10-15 years ago. I always thought I would never be 'this type of person' ever again. When I trace the weeks leading up to this, I can see a pattern of isolation, wanting to 'party', the beginning thoughts about using, distancing myself from everyone. It has been such a classic replase. My wife and I both worked in the addictions field for several years when we were in university which makes this that much harder. She has seen and heard all the excuses and promises and failures and I worked as a counsellor and knew all the warining signs and still did nothing about it.
Thanks...just needed to tell someone. I have not shared with other family members of friends yet.
Thanks...just needed to tell someone. I have not shared with other family members of friends yet.
Guest
Posts: n/a
William,
I have also struggled with the concept that an addiction is never cured. That process leads me down the path that you just described. I went on a binge last weekend and I'm just know starting to come out of the post usage deppression. (It really sucks)
I was also trained as a sponsor at one point and yet Cocaine is still in my life. Odd as it may seem I was just recently on a business trip deep into a remote part of Mexico. I never thought of using once. It was such a relief not having to deal with "craving"
I wish I could go back ----- but in all reality I have got to re-learn how to live in this world and not use. There is no gray area when it comes to using. I wish you luck my friend ... pick yourself up dust yourself off
and start working a program. I'm hear to listen ----
I have also struggled with the concept that an addiction is never cured. That process leads me down the path that you just described. I went on a binge last weekend and I'm just know starting to come out of the post usage deppression. (It really sucks)
I was also trained as a sponsor at one point and yet Cocaine is still in my life. Odd as it may seem I was just recently on a business trip deep into a remote part of Mexico. I never thought of using once. It was such a relief not having to deal with "craving"
I wish I could go back ----- but in all reality I have got to re-learn how to live in this world and not use. There is no gray area when it comes to using. I wish you luck my friend ... pick yourself up dust yourself off
and start working a program. I'm hear to listen ----
Member
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
William, welcome to the recovery forum. Now, that you have gathered some more evidence of the baffling, cunning and insidious disease called addiction. What are you going to do? Do you have the courage to change the things you can, accept the things you can't and the wisdom to know the difference?
Just for Today----I am Sober
Just for Today----I am Sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 14
Hi,
Thanks for thinking about me. So far, things are going well. I realized that even before the using thoughts I had completely lost conrol of my life. At work, I could not make a decision, I was not taking care of all my chores at home, I was skipping doctor appointments, I was seriously out of control well before my slip. When I look back now, things were not great for months and months. Anyway, I have not had a drink or drug since that slip. My wife is not leaving me but did make it clear that if I slipped again, she would have no choice but to take the kids and leave. She does not want to have our children grow up in an addictive environment. I really want to get back to how my life was three or four years ago. So...I am writing in a journal again, I am taking care of all those countless chores and errands I was not doing, I am spending more time at home with my family, I am going to see a pyschologist and I think it will all be fine. As a matter of fact, I know it will be fine today. And to me, as before, that's all that counts.
Thanks for thinking about me. So far, things are going well. I realized that even before the using thoughts I had completely lost conrol of my life. At work, I could not make a decision, I was not taking care of all my chores at home, I was skipping doctor appointments, I was seriously out of control well before my slip. When I look back now, things were not great for months and months. Anyway, I have not had a drink or drug since that slip. My wife is not leaving me but did make it clear that if I slipped again, she would have no choice but to take the kids and leave. She does not want to have our children grow up in an addictive environment. I really want to get back to how my life was three or four years ago. So...I am writing in a journal again, I am taking care of all those countless chores and errands I was not doing, I am spending more time at home with my family, I am going to see a pyschologist and I think it will all be fine. As a matter of fact, I know it will be fine today. And to me, as before, that's all that counts.
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: nyc
Posts: 36
William:
Good to hear fromm you. I must admmit your post stayed in my mind & I come here after I go to my Naranon site. I want to wish you well & hope all is a success. I am in recovery also; as a loved one of a Crack addict I can tell you that it takes a Horrific toll on the FAMILY!. I guess thats why I was really taken by your post,you see we don't hear the TRUTH from the addicted party. I call it junkie jibberish & crackhead nonsense. I wish more members here would stroll over & post at Naranon site.If ppl knew what its like as the addict it would help. your post helped me.
I am most impressed with your wife & her ablity to see things as they are;no matter what you do she is aware.
good luck to you
I am grateful to u for your insight
Gold is best!
Good to hear fromm you. I must admmit your post stayed in my mind & I come here after I go to my Naranon site. I want to wish you well & hope all is a success. I am in recovery also; as a loved one of a Crack addict I can tell you that it takes a Horrific toll on the FAMILY!. I guess thats why I was really taken by your post,you see we don't hear the TRUTH from the addicted party. I call it junkie jibberish & crackhead nonsense. I wish more members here would stroll over & post at Naranon site.If ppl knew what its like as the addict it would help. your post helped me.
I am most impressed with your wife & her ablity to see things as they are;no matter what you do she is aware.
good luck to you
I am grateful to u for your insight
Gold is best!
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Dayton, Ohio, USA
Posts: 59
William: I too am touched by your post...Thank you for being so candid...
I suffered my last relapse 13 years ago. Started with a pepsi-graduated to a Budwiser, and wound up on a three day, $2,300.00 cocaine binge. Lost everything again.... This was my third time at hitting bottom, at three different levels. Each one more severe than the previous...
Something you said in your first post caught my attention. That was about the people in the room being unmotivated, welfare, etc. I am not going to spend a lot of time on that except to say, That was the main reason Cocaine Anonymous started. They couldn't relate.... Check them out... If your having difficulty in the other groups.
I work a Christian Program of Recovery today.
The followin is something I keep posted at my house, my work, etc. It is something I read EVERY DAY, and have been reading everyday for several years now.
"Understanding My Addiction"
Matthew 12:43:45; Luke 11:24-26; Related Scripture: 1 Peter 5:8; 2 Peter 2:20-24
"When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, `I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."
I must make no mistake about this. There is no end to addiction, only an end to its practice. While it may seem that all is done and over, because I do not sense the craving any longer, the addiction, with all its reaction formations, is prowling, lurking, ready to exert itself again. Cunning, baffling, and powerful describes alcohol and other drugs. Like the evil spirit that says, "I will return to the house that I left."
A Look At Myself
"Am I overconfident about myself?" Do I understand the power of my addiction?"
My Thought
Ridding my life of the drug is the first step. I must also take the second step: filling my life with God’s Word and the Holy Spirit." "I am an easy target for Satan if I am inactive and my house is not filled."
My Daily Prayer
"Father, In the name of Jesus, grant that I may not be complacent about my recovery. Grant that my house is full of Your Word, one day at a time."
Just this evening while driving back to the city from an outreach event.. I passed a little bar....Has these neat little quotes that change weekly on the marque out front. After reading the marque, I thought to myself, it would be nice to stop in there one night on the way back...... The next thing that came into my mind was..... Whow... there's my little demon... I call him CB for short... (Cunning and Baffling) He did not stick around long tonight, because tonight, my house was full...
Another revaltion I experienced concerning those people in the "Recovery Rooms" I found in The Holy Bible:
1 Corinthians 1:27-28.....27)
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are,.....
My motive in sharing this with you is:.... I cannot do this thing.....staying clean....on my own....The above is just some of the glue I use to keep me on track today.
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May God Bless you as your journey continues...Roven Rev.
[This message has been edited by RovenRev (edited December 23, 2001).]
I suffered my last relapse 13 years ago. Started with a pepsi-graduated to a Budwiser, and wound up on a three day, $2,300.00 cocaine binge. Lost everything again.... This was my third time at hitting bottom, at three different levels. Each one more severe than the previous...
Something you said in your first post caught my attention. That was about the people in the room being unmotivated, welfare, etc. I am not going to spend a lot of time on that except to say, That was the main reason Cocaine Anonymous started. They couldn't relate.... Check them out... If your having difficulty in the other groups.
I work a Christian Program of Recovery today.
The followin is something I keep posted at my house, my work, etc. It is something I read EVERY DAY, and have been reading everyday for several years now.
"Understanding My Addiction"
Matthew 12:43:45; Luke 11:24-26; Related Scripture: 1 Peter 5:8; 2 Peter 2:20-24
"When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, `I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."
I must make no mistake about this. There is no end to addiction, only an end to its practice. While it may seem that all is done and over, because I do not sense the craving any longer, the addiction, with all its reaction formations, is prowling, lurking, ready to exert itself again. Cunning, baffling, and powerful describes alcohol and other drugs. Like the evil spirit that says, "I will return to the house that I left."
A Look At Myself
"Am I overconfident about myself?" Do I understand the power of my addiction?"
My Thought
Ridding my life of the drug is the first step. I must also take the second step: filling my life with God’s Word and the Holy Spirit." "I am an easy target for Satan if I am inactive and my house is not filled."
My Daily Prayer
"Father, In the name of Jesus, grant that I may not be complacent about my recovery. Grant that my house is full of Your Word, one day at a time."
Just this evening while driving back to the city from an outreach event.. I passed a little bar....Has these neat little quotes that change weekly on the marque out front. After reading the marque, I thought to myself, it would be nice to stop in there one night on the way back...... The next thing that came into my mind was..... Whow... there's my little demon... I call him CB for short... (Cunning and Baffling) He did not stick around long tonight, because tonight, my house was full...
Another revaltion I experienced concerning those people in the "Recovery Rooms" I found in The Holy Bible:
1 Corinthians 1:27-28.....27)
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are,.....
My motive in sharing this with you is:.... I cannot do this thing.....staying clean....on my own....The above is just some of the glue I use to keep me on track today.
------------------
May God Bless you as your journey continues...Roven Rev.
[This message has been edited by RovenRev (edited December 23, 2001).]
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: texas usa
Posts: 32
i was so enlightented by reading your post. you are really a good man. i would love to hear all of that you said from my addict. that was all so candid and truthful. i wasnt mad at you at all. i hate all the lying and deceiving. every day. i have been living with my addict for 28 years and i think he started really young. i didnt realize it at the time. things will never change for me, but i feel only good things for you. you have made a very important step. i admire you. hang in there. you can do it.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 14
I just wanted to say thanks to this forum and to all the people that have posted replies to my original post. I have this feeling that I have not truly surrendered yet. I am still feeling good and I am doing all the right things but I am frightened to go away again on business. I am saying all the rights things too but somewhere deep inside I can still hear some negative thoughts. Not definitive using thoughts but something that makes me feel like I have not TRULY surrendered. When I came into recovery 10 years ago, I felt that I had truly surrendered...I could feel it all the way down. This time, after the one slip, I am scared. Anyway, maybe I am worrying too much about 'down the road'...if I focus on today, I always feel better. Thanks for being there everyone. This place has made a BIG difference for me during a VERY critical time in my life. Merry Christmas...William
Member
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: Plainfield, New Jersey USA
Posts: 491
William, a lot of things have been said here. But you feel it and you know it. You are not ready and the B.S. program you mentioned won't get you a token for the subway. Let's keep it real, you need a program and a 12 Step program. You need a kick-ass sponsor who "works the steps" you need a NA/AA based support group. You need to cut the **** and take a look at your reservations. What are they? Whatever happens, I am not going to get high or lose my family. What are you going to do?
Just for Today-------I am Sober
Just for Today-------I am Sober
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Dayton, Ohio, USA
Posts: 59
Although I am a friend of J.C.
Something Bill W. (Co-Founder of AA) did while on a business trip to Akron, Ohio from N.Y. City has stuck with me.
While in Akron, he had the temptation to drink. You know what he did instead? He called his fellowship, and found someone worse off than himself to help... The rest is history.
What is so wonderful about this Internet thing, is we are as far from support as the keyboard.
In my line of work, I travel 16 counties in Ohio... I do not have a Lap Top... But I do have Library cards for all 16 counties. If I can't find a meeting in the town I am in on business, I sure can find the Library. Early on in my journey, we did not have computers. I had to white knuckle it. In other words I had to break my recovery down to minutes till morning..
I have learned that there just is no excuse for relapse... None... It happens because I was lazy, didn't follow suggestions, or had a reservation in my program that I was not honest about.
This program is about taking risk. Being totally honest and open.. A tough one, but we can do it. Especially if we have a sponsor. Someone we trust, someone who is walking the walk, not talking the talk
You can do it William.. Hang in there.
Another thing I did. I faked it till I made it. Worked for me... (I do try to be totally honest today....:-)
In closing... Temptation is not a sin... It's what you do with it that causes it to become sin.
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May God Bless you as your journey continues...Roven Rev.
Something Bill W. (Co-Founder of AA) did while on a business trip to Akron, Ohio from N.Y. City has stuck with me.
While in Akron, he had the temptation to drink. You know what he did instead? He called his fellowship, and found someone worse off than himself to help... The rest is history.
What is so wonderful about this Internet thing, is we are as far from support as the keyboard.
In my line of work, I travel 16 counties in Ohio... I do not have a Lap Top... But I do have Library cards for all 16 counties. If I can't find a meeting in the town I am in on business, I sure can find the Library. Early on in my journey, we did not have computers. I had to white knuckle it. In other words I had to break my recovery down to minutes till morning..
I have learned that there just is no excuse for relapse... None... It happens because I was lazy, didn't follow suggestions, or had a reservation in my program that I was not honest about.
This program is about taking risk. Being totally honest and open.. A tough one, but we can do it. Especially if we have a sponsor. Someone we trust, someone who is walking the walk, not talking the talk
You can do it William.. Hang in there.
Another thing I did. I faked it till I made it. Worked for me... (I do try to be totally honest today....:-)
In closing... Temptation is not a sin... It's what you do with it that causes it to become sin.
------------------
May God Bless you as your journey continues...Roven Rev.
Guest
Posts: n/a
William, thank you for sharing. I have almost 18 months clean and you just scared the **** outta me....I think I will keep going to my meetings, calling my sponser, and working the steps....remember..I can't, God can...and I think I will let him...that is how I sum up steps one, two and three. Every morning I start my morning prayers off with please and every night I end with Thank you.
Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Vacaville
Posts: 94
William, I think you're honesty is great. But I think that what you are failing to see is that you can't go back to four years ago because whatever was happening four years ago led to where you are now. Maybe, you would be better off looking at what wasn't working for you and consider what your real ideals?hopes are... not what society says you should want.
I am not the one to take your inventory, that is not my place, but could it be that you were not getting anything out of your meetings because you were not giving anything away? All of that time clean off of cocaine and I assume, working the steps? Did you ever sponsor anyone or get into service?
One of my relatives relapsed after 12 years because she stopped attending meetings, practicing the steps and "giving it away". But that is just her situation and not necessarily yours.
I wish you the very best in your recovery William. Perhaps, by attending a meet in your area, you'll give yourself a break and give yourself a chance to experience the miracle that helped you get clean in the first place. My prayers are with you.
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I am not the one to take your inventory, that is not my place, but could it be that you were not getting anything out of your meetings because you were not giving anything away? All of that time clean off of cocaine and I assume, working the steps? Did you ever sponsor anyone or get into service?
One of my relatives relapsed after 12 years because she stopped attending meetings, practicing the steps and "giving it away". But that is just her situation and not necessarily yours.
I wish you the very best in your recovery William. Perhaps, by attending a meet in your area, you'll give yourself a break and give yourself a chance to experience the miracle that helped you get clean in the first place. My prayers are with you.
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