mythreesons

Last year this time he was at a different rehab, it lasted 1 month. I just recently gave my husband an ultimatum, Monday, Nov. 28, he had not been home since Friday morning after Thanksgiving. I asked him to call a rehab center or move out. He called the rehab center and we went to intake on Nov. 29th. I asked that he admit himself to the 30 day in patient, he refused on the basis we couldn't afford the lost wages. The facility said insurance these days "requires" failure at outpatient before he would be admitted inpatient. Failure came yesterday when he never came home. He picked an argument about baby cold medicine after work and then stormed in the house at 8:30 this morning claiming he could no longer live "under these conditions" said I was micro managing his recovery and causing him stress and that it was to stressful to deal with us (we have three little boys, 4, 2 & 4 months) and his recovery at the same time (he was still drunk), he said he wants to move out for a "few days" until he clears his head, he has the next two days of from work and all I can think is that he wants to go for a two day bar room party. I can't let him treat this family and home as if it has a revolving door. I am confused as to how to be supportive with out being an enabaler. He blamed his whole fall off the wagon on me, that is ridiculous and he knows it... where do I go from here?

robina

I'm glad you know that you are not responsible for his relapse.

With regards to being supportive without being an ennabler, that's a really hard question. I find that attending Al-anon meetings is really helping me with setting boundaries, and helping to to know when I am ennabling, and when I am just being a loving human being. Do you go to Al-anon?

One thing I have learned is not to try to control or force my daughter's recovery. At one point I was working harder at her recovery than she was! I no longer drive her to AA meetings, counsellors appopintments, etc.. I no longer buy her recovery books. I told her that her recovery is her business, and her responsibility. She now calls other AA members if she wants to attend a meeting. She gets her recovery books from AA members.

You have three tiny children, which is demanding and stressful under the best of circumstances. The fact that your husband is drinking, and you are trying to take care of your babies, adds to your stress. Do you have a support system (friends, family) who could mind the kids so you could get out to an Al-anon meeting?

Keep coming back. There is hope and help.

Robin

TomsGirl

Let him go, let him "clear his head". Concentrate on YOU and your children. Let God concentrate on your husband.

Take care

mythreesons

I go to Al-anon meetings when I get the chance. The three kids keep me busy, just found out about a Thursday AM meeting with babysitting and hope to make it there each week. I want to ask him to leave but it is hard to do as he does pays the mortgage and I don't want to lose the house, but if we continue to live like this we will lose it eventually anyway. He is absolutely irresponsible, so self absorbed and continues to blame eveybody and anybody for all his problems. I guess that is pretty normal, do people get to stay in out patient therapy if they continue to "fall off the wagon"?

robina

That's what the disease does to people. As long as he is blaming everybody else, he doesn't have to accept responsibility, or make any changes.

I think whether he gets to stay in therapy depends on the treatment center, and the individuals involved. Since relapse is a normal part of this disease, it's not unusual for them to fall off the wagon. I think they would look at each case individually.

Robin

FriendofBill

where do I go from here?


Al-anon

BigSis

My boundaries had to stop being about what was "best" for my addict/alcoholics and had to become what was best for ME.

Our daughter relapsed each and every time she came home. She would rage and destroy doors, walls, furniture...etc. I got crazy when she got crazy. The only way to get a handle on it was to say she could not come home anymore.

It took some weeks out on the street, but she finally ran afoul of the law, and THEY sent her to a rehab (vs jail, she chose rehab). This time, she said she "heard" things that made sense. She has been clean 5 months... don't know if this is her time or not, but it is definitely better than the last 4 years.

She cannot be in our home if she uses, and the only ones who will enforce that boundary are me and her dad. It isn't easy to tell a 17 year old kid they are homeless, but it ended up being good for us AND for her.

I wish you the best.

prodigal

The thought of losing your home, particularly when you have three small children, is frightening indeed. Right now Al-Anon may be the only route to go, unless you have family you can move in with temporarily. The one thing I learned in Al-Anon is that when the A in your life starts ranting and raving and blaming everyone and everything for their alcoholism, you can remain calm and have confidence deep within yourself that you have NOTHING whatsoever to do with the fit they're having. A's love drama and when someone is drinking it's not unusual for them to have a temper flare-up.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is calmly get together some clothes for you and your children and stay somewhere else for a day or two until it blows over. Once you start leaving when he starts ranting, he'll get the message that he can't engage you in his nonsense.

I hope you and your children will be safe - he could get angry enough to get physical. I never, never, never thought in a million years my husband would get physical with me (his speciality was verbal assaults) but one time he did. As the disease escalates so does the irrational behavior....

mythreesons

If and when he comes back I am going to ask him to move out. My 4 year old is so sensitive he can't see or hear anymore of this behaviour, it is going to really make a lasting imprint on him if I don't get out now. I have hidden just enough money to pay one more mortgage payment. I will have to sell this house before the bank takes it away, the problem is my ah is a carpenter and has in the name of fixing it up left every room and unfinished work in progress, there is know way to get a C of O the way it is. If I can get him to move out, I am going to find a contractor and get a loan. I am going to have to rely on my parents for that, that sucks. There grat but I am 36 years old and don't want them cleaning up my mess. It is hard not to feel really stupid for marrying this man who has turned into such a monster. It saddens me to end the dream we started off with when we bought this place 5 years ago, but it seems I am sad all the time anyway. And I just don't think his heart is in it to really recover. For 11 days he seemed on it and in it, he seemed very different, but I can't help but think it was just a bunch of BS, so he didn't have to move out. I need to get my head in order and stay strong enough to just keep telling him it is best for the kids if he leaves. Thanks for your time all, this site is so helpful.

TomsGirl

I've been through both foreclosure and bankruptcy with my first husband. Not hard to do when he comes home one day and informs you that he just walked away from his job because those people he worked for were SO stupid! It was a painful and humiliating experience but it did make me stronger and increased my resolve. Within 6 years of the bankruptcy and five years of the foreclosure I bought a house and I'm still in that house today. Did it on my own and am still doing it on my own. Granted, I didn't have 3 little ones I only had one son. It is so hard I know. Take care

reader

Hi my three sons, you have your hands full with your little ones. Are you a stay at home mom or are you working. I am being noisy rosey? Making a decision to leave a marriage is major.. My husband has tried to shift the blame of his drinking on me also. It is very common with this problem. Nothing like scapegoating. I am trying to focus on my kids and finding things that I enjoy. I am struggling with detachment and I hope I can get it down soon. With little guys in the picture making a mojor life change is highly stressful, just know you are not alne. We are here for you.

meli2005

You have enough to deal with w/three small children. You don't need another child to worry about. He needs to grow up and accept responsiblity for his sobriety/recovery, etc. He needs to take teh necessary steps. You can support of course, but he cannot come and go as he pleases. It's not a revolving door, plus it is darn hard on the emotions.

mythreesons

I am a stay at home mom, and I would prefer to keep it that way. I will however go back to work if I have to to raise my kids in a healthy enviro. Funny, meli2005, I left him a voicemail saying that I would help pack him up and move him out if that was his decision and that the house didn't have a revolving door, great minds think alike! He is "back on the wagon" for now and at counseling tonight... talking it hour to hour these days. I am still confused as to what is the "norm" to expect from someone in recovery, although I would assume that varies with the stage they are in at the time. I just feel like he is treating this as a vacation from life's responsibilities. Before he was no help because he was wasted or didn't come home at all. Now he's no help because he is at counseling or sitting his butt on the couch with an oh woes me, detox is kicking my butt attitude and I'm still holding down the fort and all the responsibilities that come with it. So today I told him he has to hold up his end or counseling/recovery or not he is still going to get the boot. It's like living with a 9 year old!!! I really apprecaite all your posts, thank you, thank you, thank you.