rookknight65

I woke up this morning thinking about my AGF. I miss her so much right now. I see her everywhere, in the music I play, and in little things around my place. I took a shower a little while ago and just started crying from the frustration. I know that's a really masculine thing to do but I did. I'm a 6'4" 240 lb. guy with a lot going for me and i'm so hung up. I'm so twisted into knots that I just don't know what to do anymore. I really wanted to make an Al-Anon meeting today too and couldn't due to other obligations. That was pretty frustrating too because I really needed it today. This one day at a time thing is one hour at a time for me right now.
I've left the ball in her court and haven't heard from her in three days now. I know I have to accept that I may not get back together with her. I told her she has to get serious about recovery if we are to have a chance at a future. I didn't know love could be so painful and I'm divorced. I don't even miss my ex-wife of 13 years like this, never did. I just want her to be ok. I want her back. I want her sober. I want to be happy again. She's my sweetie and one of a kind.

reader

Rooknight, there is nothing at all wrong with crying. A good cry is rather freeing no matter how big you are. No matter how much you want your gf to be sober it is total up to her. Part of alon's message is to let go and let God. You didn't cause her drinking, you can't control it, or cure it. No matter how much we might want someone to be sober, it is really up to them. No matter how much you might love someone only they can change. Only you can keep to your boundries or to work on detachment. I will say a prayer for your heartache. Don't be afraid to let the tears flow

dollydo

A good cry is a great release valve...I believe that if more men could cry they would have less heart attacks...

My mother and cousin are the drinkers in my family..my mother for 40 years, my cousin for 30 years...not a pretty story..with that, I agree with Kerry, it is time to detach with love...you cannot make your "love" quit until she is ready....no matter how many tears you cry...

Dolly

FormerDoormat

Evening Rookknight. Every man in my life has cried from time to time. It's not unmasculine to cry, it's human. Here's a hug for you:

(((Rookknight)))

Midas

Hey Rook, you've got a bad case of ''missing her''. I know exactly what you're feeling.
However, look closely at how you worded it...you left out one word...''not''
It's OK to cry. Like FD says, it doesn't matter how big & tall or how big around you are. Crying is good for you. Pushing it back and surpressing your feelings causes ulcers and headaches.

**{Manly Hugs}}

countrylace

My heart goes out to you. I know it took a lot of strength to actually break up with her, and it's taking even more to stay that way. You're much stronger than I am. My head keeps telling me to break it off with my ABF, but my heart just isn't ready yet. I still keep hanging on to that hope, yet I know it will never be any better than it is right now. And, that's not good enough. I deserve better. But, still, I do nothing. I'm very proud of you. Hang in there.

rookknight65

thanks countrylace. I appreciate it. It's really hard staying away. Sent her a text about 30 minutes ago tho. It just said: "I Miss You". I'm such a sap. Now i'm sitting around wondering if and how she's going to respond. Giving her power again.

FormerDoormat

You, sir, are no sap. It's hard to let go of someone you still love. Believe me, I know.

meli2005

It is okay to cry. You need to get those emotions out so you can move on. Hey every once in a while I just have a big meltdown, get it out, and then I feel so much better. I feel like I can handle life again. It's so hard loving someone with a substance abuse problem. It hurts so bad because we all know things would be so much better if they weren't abusing alcohol/drugs.

CodeMaster

Hang in there...

brdlvr2

Rook

It is tough and it sucks when our head knows we can not stay with them unless and if they get and stay sober, but it's taking our hearts longer to see that. You love who you love. In one of my al anon meetings a gal said "It's ok to love the alcoholic yet still hate the disease/behavior." I try to remember that, Good luck to you.

DesertEyes

Hey there rook,

That's part of _our_ disease. Just like you mentioned in another thread that there's DSM approved symptoms of addiction to chemicals, there's also symptoms of _our_ addiction to unhealthy relationships. Check out the "sticky posts", and you'll see how we all share the same toxic behavior. Even crying in the shower. I did plenty of that.

Sure feels that way doesn't it? But are you being _objective_ in that assesment? If you think you are a "sap" then you have have diagnosed yourself as being a "bad" person. One of the tenets of recovery is that we are _not_ bad people, we are injured people trying to get well.

That's where the principles of action come in. I can only sit around and give power to my "A" if I have nothing better to do with myself. To prevent that I keep my mind busy by attending lots of real life meetings, by getting on the phone with people I meet in the program, by studying up on my skills (recovering from heart surgery, not back to work yet), etc. As long as my mind is busy with healthy thoughts, it won't drift off into unhealthy ones.

Mike :-)

chattanooga

rooknight.....sorry for you....i was with my wife only a year and a half. We've been seperated because of alcohol and gambling for 5 weeks now. I know we are not going to get back together because she doesn't realize anything. She needs serious help.......real serious help. She went off on her Mom the other day and threw a sandwhich at her for little or no reason at all. Her mom was shocked, even asked her if she was on drugs. No one in this world knows how bad off she is but me. If i try and tell her family she will classify me as a loose cannon........with all that said i miss her so much i can hardly function every day. I wish i could cry.......i swear i do....

guyinNC

Hi Rook,

I feel the same way. Wife has done a number on our lives. Married 19 years, two beautiful girls, a nice middle class life style. She had what I thought any woman would want.... A nice house, a nice car, nice kids, a chance to go back to school, a husband who has his faults...but I think a decent guy.(Me)

She in her misery, she chose alcohol, an affair with another drunk...over our life together. Now she has literally, a I mean literally lost everything!!

I still love her, or the memory of her. I want so much for my old life back...but that life is gone.

It is as if she is become someone else.....In denial about her drinking and that she even had a former life!

Or was she really that miserable with me????????

sunshinebluesky

so many of us know what you are feeling.i have been thru a few serious relationships in my life...none hurt as bad as the one with the alcoholic...i keep praying to God,hoping for it to someday somehow stop hurting.there was just soooo much involved...... its soon for you....it gets better.not totally but up and down. that part is hard too. but i figure sooner or later there wont be ANY downs.i allow myself my moments.....allow yourself yours. hugs

Kathleen1

this is what I'm scared of....we're on the verge of a split and I'm so scared if he leaves I won't hear from him....so, so scared...

I can only imagine what you are going through....

"I just want "him" to be ok. I want "him" back. I want "him" sober. I want to be happy again. He's my sweetie and one of a kind....."

Couldn't have put it better myself......

Was it your decision to have a break or hers?

1crybaby

i am scared to do exactly what u did with ur agf. my abf needs to get serious about his recovery and i am scared to death. i dont want to lose him. this is who i want to die with. even if we arent technically together at the end i want him there, and i am scared of taking that step. i'd say GREAT JOB! because u had the guts to do wats right. im working on it, seeing a counselor for the first time tomarrow. you are an inspiration to me tho, because i feel that i feel the same way about my abf as you might about your agf. good luck,
and keep on crying,

marriedithink

I think it takes a real man to cry, and a big man to talk about it. I admire the love you have for her, I feel the same way about my estranged husband. Stupid heart!!!!! Good luck to you. To everyone.