coch0415

Hi,
I am new to this site and was quite happy I found it. I have been looking for some site/place that i can go to and everyone would know what i was talking about/feeling like.
My husband is an alohoic, active, tried recovery many times, and still drinking. He went into rehab in April, was sober for 3 months and now drinking again. He drinks beer, and i mean a lot of it. About 18 a day. Well, before rehab in APril it was every day, 18 or more. Since he's back to drinking, its every few days, but I know whats coming. He'll be right back to his old ways. He first started just having a few here and there, you know, he thinks he can handle it. Well now its about every 2 to 3 days, that he stumbles in here intoxicated.
He put me and my children through hell, for about 4 years and I dont think I can take it. Im still torn as to stay or leave. I dont want my kids to have to leave there home. ANd of course all the $$ issues that would arise. ANd im torn about breaking up a marriage and having the kids grow up w/divorced parents. But whats worse, living like this? I just dont know. THey are young, 5 and 6.
When he's drinking regularly, you can never rely on him, and never know wht to expect. I have so many pictures of him passing out literally everywhere in my house, kitchen table, computer, toilet, shower, staircase, basment, couch, you name it, he's passed out there. ALso, his truck. Its more like a bar room in there. You open the door, and about 5o empty's come flying out at you. He has no problem drinking and driving, does it all the time. Sometimes he cant even make it in the house, hes so drunk, he pulls in the driveway, and just passes out. Why the police have never caught him is beyond me. He thinks its funny. Also, another thing he does, that I just cant handle, is lose his bladder, when he passes out. (to put it nicely) Then, he gets up and goes to work in the am and leaves it for me to take care of. I do, because one, i dont want the kids to find it, and 2, Its disgusting to leave and not clean up, smells, etc. .....
I jsut dont know how much one is suppose to take before saying, thats it, in done. I dont love him anymore, theres absolultey nothing left. I have love for him, he is my kids Dad, but i am not in love with him.
I hear a lot, that your not suppose to enable, but help in some way. Well, when you do you know enougth is enough. Has anyone dealt w/things like this? ANy advice??? Thanks !

robina

Welcome.

You have come to the right place. You will find comfort and understanding here. Yes, sadly, we have dealt with things like this. We understand what you are going through.

Have you ever attended an Al-anon meeting? I find Al-anon extremely helpful. I go to as many as three meetings a week.

Alcoholism is a progressive, family disease. This means that it affects every member of the family, not just the drinker. This is why the family members need help, in addition to the alcoholic.

Keep coming back. There is help and hope.

Robin

cwohio

welcome coch - alcoholism is a progressive condition - it won't get better if he chooses not to get sober. please look into al-anon and idget makes some good suggestions. this is a great place to get it off your chest and share with others that have walked similar paths!

TexasGirl

Hi Coch,
So you know it's not just him, I wanted to tell you mine does the exact same things. You're not alone. Sometimes mine even ends up passing out with the car still on, headlights on, and radio blaring. I'm sure the neighbors love it. And on the other thing, well, I cleaned it up ONE TIME. Now, if he wants to have a place to sit, he can deal with it later.
Welcome to SR.

coch0415

Thanks for all the posts. I dont mean this in the wrong context, but it sure is good talking to others that are either in the same situation or have been at one point. You all can relate, Thats helpful to me.

Soul Catcher

Oh my. I am reliving in your post. My children are 5,4,4 and instead of leaving I had him leave and it's been wonderful. I HAD to protect our children. He couldn't. They need at least ONE stable parent to depend on. You have to do whatever it takes. It doesn't matter if you live in a tent in the woods as long as you and those children have love. You can do it. I feel so proud when I look in their eyes and tell them that I am not leaving and I will protect them. I know they feel safe with me.
I have learned to not cut their father down. I have learned to detach from him and HIS problems. I have taken on many posistions now, father, plumber, housekeeper, handyman, christmas light putter upper! You name it, I do it. I feel empowered. I understand right now you feel completly lost and don't know right from wrong and don't want to screw them kids up. But having them around your ah IS messing them up. Money will find you, there are lots of places that help woman like me and you and you don't have to feel disgraced. I have actually been praised for getting help. Don't think about the BIG picture, just get them safe and go day to day for now. GOod luck. Please post again.

FormerDoormat

Welcome Coch. Glad you joined the forum. Looking forward to getting to know you.

ashleybear

Hi Coch
I've just found this site late last night, I'am in a similar sitaution. I asked my husband to move out about three months ago, he sounds very similar to my husband. I asked him to leave when he drunk drove with our two children 3yr and 5yrs and crashed into the neighbours car. I hoped by moving out that he would reach his rock bottom, but he is still drinking off and on. I'am very confused as he is a normally a lovely person and a great father. We are not living together, which was mainly due to the childrens safty. I 'am hoping he will stop drinkng and we can be a family togther. This seems more and more unlikey. He was on a day treatment programe but started drinking. We were hoping he would get funding for a residential treatment centre, but we have been told today this is unlikey dose any one know about grants, funding etc for residential treatment.

meli2005

Right now, this man is not thinking about anyone but self. You need to take care of you and your kids. You might be relieved to get away from this person. Sometimes when someone leaves the alcoholic, they realize how much they have lost and get better. But until they undergo consequences ,there is no need to get better.


He will get caught on the road eventually and get a DUI. It's only a matter of time if he continues to drink.

Eventually, he will get so sick he cannot work and support the family. WHen he hits rock bottom, who knows?

I think it's an individual thing what each of us can tolerate, but ti sounds to me like you are getting to the end of your rope very soon.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this, I know it hurts like crazy. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. After suffering through it and then seeing what people do to themselves as a professional (I'm a nurse), I cannot help but think it is a tool of the devil for sure. I used to not think this way, but I've seen/experienced too much.

Soul Catcher

Coch, you ok today?

coch0415

Yes, Soul, thanks so much for asking. Woke up again this morning to a wonderful mess. He is back to drinking a ton, every time he drinks, that he passes out and yup, pisses all over the damn house (sorry, for the language, im just so damn mad and fed up) HMMM, lets see, 3 times so far this week. HOW can he not see this isnt normal. And that I think its ok. I mean, how can he think I am going to live like this forever. As said before, I am so torn about the children. I want so much for them to have a happy/wonderful childhood. We just bought our house 3 years ago, and they love it. Have a big back yard, swingset, pool, trampoline, and I just coulndt imagine taking this away from them. Then I feel like they may resent me for it. THen of couse the $$ issue.
Last night we got a foot of snow, great for him, as he has a whole yard to hide his beer now, just stuffs them in the snow banks. Last spring, when all the snow melted, I found literlly hundreds of beer cans all over my yard, from him stashing them in the snow banks. THis morning, he was picking up a friend for work, and I saw him cleaning out his truck (passenger side) with a trash can, of all the empties, up on the seat and down in the foot area. Thats how many he has while driving. There must have been at least 50 to 60, so much that he needed a damn trash bag.
Before he began rehab back in APril, I swore i could never go back to living like that again. Well since he began drinking again in August, Im right back there. I just cannot handle it. I just keep telling myself, just get thru the holidays and then try and figure things out.
Oh, and the other huge issue for me, is the custody thing. I know I will get custody, but im worried about visitation rights. I mean, what if the courts allow my children to go w/him on the weekends, he's no capable of watching them when he's drinking/drunk. He just passes out anywhere, and he doesnt care if its only 6pm and the kids are still up. Plus, he's just nasty when drinking and has no patience w/them. (I have one boy w/add,ocd and anxiety issues) and I have to watch over my husbands interaction w/that child like a hawk, becuase he has no patience and is just an ass at times.
I am in such a big mess, and I know im not the only one thats ever gone thru this, I just wish I knew for sure what to do and when to do it. I know that if I go thru a divorce w/him,, it will be a nasty one. He can be horrible. OH yeah, besides the fact that he , while drunk, told me Im better of dead, because he'll never lose his house, and kids. That he'd rather kill me. Thats nice huh?

meli2005

Sorry you are enduring this. But you must set boundaries. Give yourself some time, but I think if this continues, you will make the right decision soon. I don't see you living like this much longer. Actually in all likelihood, your kids will be better off without him and living in a more stable environment. The house is nice, but you know there is more to happiness than a home. Kids mainly want a stable, loving environment. When I think back to my childhood, it isn't the house I think about, it's what my parents did for me and the special times we had together. Whether that be in a mansion or in an apt, the stability is more important. And kids can sense when mom is stressed or unhapy as well.

Divorce is a terrible thing to go through.

I do hope things turn around before they end up in divorce, but your AH is very ill right now. I am really surprised he is able to work given the amts he drinks and his lack of control of bowel/bladder, etc.

FormerDoormat

Have you tried Alanon, sweetie? If not, give it a try. Listening to what others' have gone through can help you make the right decision for you.

Seeking Wisdom

I have worried about the very same things you have. When you have kids, a home, shared finances and worries about their future, the situation gets complicated with no easy answers. Outsiders in my life sometimes think a divorce would solve everything. They don't realize in some ways divorce can make certain things worse. Not many people consider the custody problem you described .. if you divorce and there is joint custody or visitation, that you can be helpless if he decides to drink and drive or participate in any other reckless activity with your kids. A marriage counselor informed me that I could exert more influence over his activities with our kids (and finances) if we stayed married. Also since your husband will always be your children's father .. they will always be affected by his alcoholism, divorced or not. My husband can also be very aggressive and rages at the prospect of not being in "his" house with "his" kids and responds with threats.

For me, the temporary decision has been to separate. My husband reacted with less hostility than he would have with a divorce. I feel calmer, I have more influence over our mutual finances and the kids are not exposed to daily sick alcoholic behavior. I am also sending a message to my kids both verbally and by my actions... that inappropriate drinking will not be tolerated in our home. My mom did the same thing and both my brother and I never had problems with alcohol because we knew first hand how damaging it could be. I also have worked hard at keeping my kids in their home .. I hated moving around as a kid of an alcoholic and it created a ton of insecurity of always being the "new kid" in a strange school. My situation is certainly not perfect .. but as long as my husband drinks, there is no perfect solution under these circumstances .. married or divorced.

ashleybear

As I stated prevousely I am in a similar sitaution to you Coch. I asked my husband to move out three months ago. My future in terms of where I am going to live, finances etc are unclear. Possibly I may have to sell the house to pay of debts. My husabnd is not working and is not contributing. I cann't belive this is happening to me or to my husband. It really is very complicated when you have children. At the moment I have an open door policy, and my husbaand is welcome, and visits most days. As I don't think he is safe with the children, I am very anxouse about him being on his own with them. He is normally a great dad and my children adore him. When I start to but boudaries in place, which I quess I eventually will have to. I feel a graet sadness about this whole stiution. All I can say is I know I couldn't continue the way things where. It is so helpful finding this site, and knowing that I am not alone.

Thankyou 'Wisdome' for sharing your sitaution. Can I ask you how long you and your husband have been living separtely. It sounds like it is working.

coch0415

The thing is, he wont leave if I ask him to leave. So what do I do? I dont want to have to take my kids and leave. I have asked him to leave before and thats when he shoots his drunk mouth off, telling me he'll never leave and that its his house and his kids, etc etc. Oh yes, and that he'd kill me before I try to divorce him. In all sincerity, i do not believe his violent threats, he has never been violent towards me. We do lots of yelling, but never any violence. I just wish, that when the time comes that I can no longer take it, I could ask him to leave, and he ACTUALLY does it. Any suggestions.

ashleybear

I've no suggestions, or I can tell you is what I did. I was prepatred to move out of our home, and stayed with a friend for a couple of days. This worked and he agreed to move out, otherwise I would of moved out. This is what I thought would happen, but I quess you can never tell. My sepertion has been been very amicable, however I do worry that this could change if this separation becomes pernament. Last week my husband locked himself out of his accomodation, whist being drunk. I agreed to him to stay over. He became quite nasty trying to get into bed with me and saying it wsa his bed and his house. I bought my son into bed with me and this diffused the sitaution. I am bracing myself for difficult times ahead and do not think my husband will be happy for me to remain in the house, as he feels I will have everything. He keeps sayng that I chucked him out. I put this back on him, as how I see it as that he chose to leave by to continuing to drink and puting the children's safty at risk. I really feel for you, lots of people have given me advice, in the end you have to do whats right for you. Some of my friends think I am cushioning him by not makng our separaton pernanment, but I am not ready for that yet. I still hope he will stop drinking and that he will not have to lose everytrhing.

readytowalk

Hi Coch,
I feel like you are living my life, my AH has passed out in the garage, truck, sitting at a bar, he has urinated in the closet on my shoes, in his pants, in bed, in the laundry room, and just this past Friday in a mason jar that he got from the laundry room. That's right a mason jar.. I found it full and setting on the drier when I went to get him up to go to work on third shift after drinking all afternoon. I have lived with this for 20+ years and if I could go back 20 years and know what my life was going to be I would have left him and took our two children. My AH is a binge drinker, he likes to take off without letting me know, that's how he has fun.. I have always had this feeling of hope that one day he would see what he was doing to me and everyone who loves him. To this day I still have that glimmer of hope but it is fading fast.. You have to do what is in your best interest and your childrens. Good Luck

prodigal

Welcome and know that you are NOT alone here. I go to a psychologist who was an addiction counselor in the military for five years. He told me of the various phases of the progressive disease of alcoholism. When they start peeing all over the place - or peeing in their own pants and not caring - you're getting into the end of the middle phase of the disease. Don't take that as gospel, but this man worked with addicts and studied the problem for a number of years.

Jeesh, I hate to sound like a broken record, but after putting up with A's for a very long time, I have found that reading Melody Beattie's books (to address and comprehend my codependency on addicts) as well as a lot of Al-Anon and A.A. literature, has given me some perspective on this disease.

I wish I had some good answer that would fix your situation, but I don't. However, you have children involved here and they shouldn't have to see a parent in this state. I don't know if you have family or friends you could stay with, but it might be for the better.

Damn, this is such a tough time of year, with Christmas coming up and oftentimes the A's in our lives just get on longer and uglier benders all in the name of "celebrating" with a little "cheer" for the holidays.

reader

Hi coch, welcome to sr. I know how hard it is to think about leaving. I know what it is like to be concerned about finances. As far as the peeing around and in bed, you could not clean it as a boundry. Would he clean it up if you didn't. I don't know his temperment. I can fully understand not being in love with your husband, for 8 of the 15 years of my marriage I wasn't in love with my husband. I loved him but not in love. my husband use to be able to drink 18 beers and if it wasn't for the smell you would wonder if he drank. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Just know you are not alone vent when needed and share anything.