Nony

I wanted to share something I did this weekend when my "stinkin' thinkin'" kicked in - as it always does. I thought about relationships in my past that I terminated for whatever reason because it just wasn't working for me any more. How was I able to detach from them, but can't get R off of my mind? How did I let him just crawl into my soul and take up residence and I cannot get him out of there? I'll start thinking about the good times, what I miss, what I loved, the hopes and dreams I had, mourn what was lost. I realized that in those other relationships (even my marriage), the other person had developed so many distasteful qualities that they were just not attractive to me anymore, on any level - physical, mental, emotional, whatever. I realized I needed to make R unattractive in my mind, too. So I made a list that I'll share. Any one or two of these things wouldn't likely be enough to make me want to leave anyone but when they get (got) so overwhelming, I realized that I shouldn't even be attracted to that person any more. I had to remind myself that I had been strong enough before to leave someone behind and I will be strong enough this time too.

What made a very attractive person so unattractive:

1. He is a liar. Not once, twice or even a dozen times. More times than could ever be remembered much less ever be forgiven. For more things than could ever be forgotten. For reasons that made no sense. For no reason at all.

2. He is a manipulator. The worse part about this is that I was manipulated into doing things that I would have readily done on my own without the manipulation. He manipulated me in order to get his needs met, his wants taken care of, despite my needs or my wants. He made a fool of me time and time again.

3. He is a user. (Yes, a user of drugs and alcohol, but...) A user of people. A user of me. He used every resource he could squeeze out of me with no thought of the consequences or effect on me. He used my money, my time, my heart, my love. He used me for drugs, for sex, for emotional and mental support, for protection, for justification. He used me over and over again.

4. He is a criminal. There is no line he won't cross. I came to realize he would sell an old lady's walker, eat a dying man's last meal, rob a begger in the street. He broke many, many laws due to his addictions. He is unsafe. He has no boundaries.

5. He is an addict. And sadly, this will never change. He may stop using drugs and alcohol but the odds are not in his favor that he will ever be a sober man living a peaceful, responsible life.

6. He has no loylaties. I am the one who took care of him when he was sick, fed him when he was hungry, held his hand when he was scared and let him cry on me until I was wet with tears and yet I was expendable. I meant nothing to him. Compared to drugs and alcohol, or even compared to another addict, I came last in a long list of other people and things he put first. I was the first one he ran to when he needed saving but the last one he would save.

I could list his good qualities too, but they don't help me. Remembering the good only brings pain and sadness. I will be strong, I will remember and I will survive. I will move on and I will be happy. I will hope for the best for him and I will pray for him because God knows he will need it. But I will not remain the walking wounded much longer. I can shake this.

Nony

brdlvr2

Thank you for writing this. This list could have been mine and I really needed to read something like this now.

minnie

Yup, all those things are on my list too.

pmaslan

I have been trying to reinforce my reasons for not being with John lately.
(Damn these holidays)
Thanks for reminding me of all of those UNFORGIVABLE traits.....
they do outweigh the good ones......

CarolD

Excellent idea!! :


I did the same in early sobriety.... listed all the reasons I had for quitting.
The written reality certainly stopped me from romancing the booze.

somebodysfool

Yikes! I hate being smacked with the truth. But I deserve better. Yes I do.
...so he better get better fast...LOL Did I just say that. I guess I still have work to do.

J

reader

Great idea Nony, it is to easy for some people to idealize someone and only focus on what was good. I am sorry that he is still in your heart. Once you love someone it is hard to forget them. The walking wounded is a very profound term and when someone says time heals all wounds they are full of ****. I admire you for wishing him well, it is too easy to be bitter and unkind when dealing with alcoholism. As far as shaking the blues away, shake shake shake prayers coming your way

Nony

Thanks, reader, for the prayers. I think, sometimes, as a woman, I got sold on the white knight on a horse fairytale and once I meet a man and cast him in that role, it is hard to shake it.

I didn't make that list to bash him, that's for sure. I did it for me - to survive, to heal, to remember. I do wish him well - from a safe distance. I hope and pray everyday that he gets the miracle that he needs. I just had to accept that I am not that miracle and I shouldn't wait around for divine intervention. The only call I will accept from him now is the one that starts "Nony, I need to go to rehab, will you take me?" Then I'll get myself to him as fast as I can. I have learned that that is the only way I can truly help him. I will take him there, leave him and wish him well. He has so many talents and wonderful qualities that I admire and love so much and in the past has just blown me away with the little pieces of goodness I found in him. But the disease has eaten away much of it. I have to force myself to see the bad - and not turn a blind eye to it - to save myself. And to save him.

I made sure the last time I talked to him that he knew that I loved him. He didn't seem to listen or care. I did that for him to know that someone truly does love him, despite himself, and maybe that'll matter one day. And so that when I get that phone call that he is gone, I'll have peace knowing that I told him what was in my heart.

Thanks for reading (listening), guys.

Nony

reader

Hugs Nony