Veronica

My AH relapsed about 4 weeks ago after 9 month sober. He's never done a 90 in 90 and during the last four months of his 9 months sober, he rarely went to meetings. After his relapse, his sponsor said he had to do 90 in 90 (his sponsor had told him this before, but my AH did not do it for a multitude of excuses). The first few weeks following the relapse, my AH faithfully tried to do 90 in 90 - I think he actually made a meeting a day, though I did my own thing and didn't nag or ask. Now, he back to going to just 2 - may be 3 - meetings a week. Clearly, not 90 in 90.

I know I cannot nag him to go to meetings, but I am really frustrated and angry about his failure to put his recovery first! I mentioned in casual conversation (prefaced with "I may not be in a position to say anything, but I am concerned") and he said "you're right. I need to do 90/90" ...again, I don't think he did. He goes to two meetings regularly (if they don't conflict with dr. appointments, etc) on Tues nights and Saturday mornings. If he misses them, he does not make them up. He says he is waiting to figure out his work schedule before he starts going to meetings. I've heard this excuse for MONTHS - including the months preceding his relapse.

I've decided that this relapse is the LAST ONE I'm willing to work through. I've drawn my line in the sand and told my AH as much. I guess this is why I am particularly sensitive to the fact that he hasn't been putting his recovery first - well, at least in terms of attending meetings. It's none of my business whether he goes to a meeting or not, but if he doesn't, he will relapse and then I will file for divorce - something I don't want, but will do in order to keep me sane. I love my AH and I am so angry that he is not working his program and putting himself first. He's been praying a lot and calling people in the program to talk BUT he's done that before too. He tries so hard to work his recovery without going to meetings, but without the meetings, he will relapse. There is no doubt - the only question is when the relapse will occur. Is there anything I can do or say? Is it fair to express my concerns to him? Thoughts anyone???

minnie

I'm in a rush and I'll write a longer reply later, but I just want to point out that 90/90 is a rehab thing, not an AA thing. Yes, I agree he needs something, but that could be therapy, SMART or AA at whatever pace he needs.

BigSis

Just as drinking is only one part of alcoholism, I believe that taking a drink is only the last part of relapse. From the sound of it, he may be relapsing now.

That said, I know I have never been able to do anything to prevent a relapse in my kids.... even when I saw it coming, even when I had one of them trapped in the car, even when she was sacrificing clean time, a place to live and a relationship... by the time *I* saw the relapse, she had already decided she needed to "go back out".

I can only take care of myself, make sure MY needs are being met and try to be the best person I can be. When this happens, though, I do increase my meetings.

I am sorry you have to go through this but until you are certain, all you can do is live your life... and then when you ARE certain, all you can do is.... live your life.

nocellphone

For me, anger is always a fear reaction. Watching a loved one avoid the thing that can save their life is a very scary thing...

It's unfortunate that he does not seem willing to go to any lengths for his recovery...

I remember reading once something to the effect that, "If I were told that I had an incurable, fatal disease and that the only treatment was to hike from one end of the US to the other, I would immediately start lacing up my hiking boots. But when alcoholics/addicts/Al-Anons are told the same thing, they immediately set about finding reasons why this treatment will not work for them."

I've heard it referred to as "terminal uniqueness".

Alcoholism is the only disease I know that tells you that you don't have a disease. It resists its own recovery.

If you've not yet gone to Al-Anon, this may be a good time to start. My guess is there's a chair there waiting for you...

dax

Actually I think the 90 meetings in 90 days IS an AA thing. That is what they told my husband. He never went to a rocovery center. I would say this to you- Quailty of meetings are probalby more imporatnt. Hope for the best, let him chose when to go and keep alternate plan of acion in place. If you stay you will always be one drink away from disaster. dax

minnie

dax - it's not in the Big Book, as far as I'm aware.

Veronica - it's all about behaviour. You will see recovery in action if it is happening. I cannot begin to see how an alcoholic CANNOT change if he is in recovery, whatever means he is using. After all, I am in no way the same person that I was a year ago. The bottom line is whether you want to share your life with this man. If you can see real progress being made, then does it matter how he does it?

You have a line in the sand, a boundary, and that is what will determine the course of your life.

Dan

90x90 is best described as a fellowship thing, I think.

FriendofBill

90 and 90 is a 12 step thing, not just AA.

How do you know what will happen if she stays, Dax? You got a crystal ball? If so...what does it say about YOU today?

Chy

No where in the Big Book does it say you must do 90/90. Not that I've seen anyway and there is no right amount of meetings one should attend. I get annoyed at those that need to be the "meeting makers sheriff". No one works their program the same and the suggestions he should follow are from his sponsor, if he doesn't do it he doesn't do it and shouldn't be guilted into doing it. That doesn't work either. I don't say this is what he hears you saying I say I know what it's like to be guilted, forced to attend meetings. And us stubborn alcoholics in program or not still get that "I'll show you little attitude", know what I mean?

I don't think he'll relapse because he doesn't attend meetings, if he does it's simply because he's not ready and hasn't come to terms and acceptance it's what is best for him. He'll relapse because he chooses to.

..and Veronica, and FYI as difficult as it is for you to watch, some of us just don't know how to put ourself first in order to heal, the despair and inner turnmoil are so great in us it takes a very long time to feel worthy again and subconcioulsly we're very good at pushing those that love us most away, even if it means taking a drink to do it.

equus

I don't think a relapse is any more certain than a future without one. You say he tries so hard to work his recovery? Earlier you said he was attending meetings just not 90 in 90?

I dunno - I chucked my crystal ball 'cos it was faulty!! But whatever heppens I don't think I'd tell someone there was no doubt they would relapse - I couldn't, I can't know that.

Having said all that I've been guilty of watching the clock at times too, out of fear, thinking X Y Z - thankfully we were being seen by alcohol counsellors who could offer a broader perspective, no certainties though, just effort, time and encouragement.

Cynay

I think what Dax is trying to say is an A is always one drink away from a relapse...

I kinda like Equus approach, If the decisions is to stay with the A, you have to know that this could happen... but if they relapse is it the end of all the work they have put in so far??? Seems to me that of course its a set back, but they can get right back on the recovery wagon and keep moving forward...

gelfling

I know my son did 90 in 90 twice. During the first round, he made several meetings a day. He knew his life was on the line. When he did relapse, before moving back home, he slipped for a couple of days but resumed the meetings. I asked him about the 90 in 90 and he said the more exposure to the steps and teachings of AA the better. Nothing in stone about it.

So, it goes to show that eventhough he did more than 90 in 90, he still slipped.

meli2005

This is how I have come to think of alcoholism. It is a chronic disease just like diabetes. It requires constant maintenance just as any disease. Ocassionally one needs a tune up. you would not divorce your spouse if he ended up in teh hospital multiple times due to not watching his diabetes or not taking high blood pressure medicine.

I think there is no magic number. I think they say 90/90 days in rehab so people will have constant exposure to a supportive group. The whole meaning of AA is so that people realize they do not have to fight the alcoholism alone. It cannot be done alone either.

I think it's good he is reaching out. Each person has a different need for meetings. Some need to go daily, others go 1-2 times a week and are fine.

Someone mentioned indiviudal counseling, would he be open to that? Find a good addictions counselor, they can be really helpful. Also, you might consider seeing one yourself. I've learned a lot from teh one I see.

I konw it is a very frustrating hard disease to live with. WE are all very strong people to have done it. I understand how you feel.

I think the big thing is when there is a relapse is that the A realize it and get back on track.

UrbanFool

I've never been able to do 90 in 90. If I lived two blocks up from the Alano club, I could do it, but I can't.

I can't recall who it was that told me if you don't have a plan for recovery, you're having a plan for relapse. So I think an active program is more important than meetings. I may not be at meetings (which I DO think are necessary) but I'm doing homework, reading my books, or otherwise am active in my recovery, even if I'm not sitting behind a candle.

Kelly

minnie

Well said, Kelly. The important thing is having a programme and a programme is not just meetings.

It is often said in these parts that we are as sick as the alcoholic. So shouldn't we be doing 90/90? There aren't enough meetings here for me to do that, even if I wanted.

Anyway, sorry for the diversion onto the 90/90 thing. I just wanted to point out that it isn't an official AA suggestion, so no need to take his inventory on that.

At the end of the day, it's all about results, hon.

dax

Friend of billw- Good lord- you are sooo confrontational! Even more so than me. And that is saying alot. Of course I do not have a crystal ball. But if you stay with an alcoholic even sober the fact that they are always one drink away from distaster adds more uncertainly to your marriage.What I am saying about ME today is- I think life with an alcoholic even sober can be extremely mentality stressful. No one in their right mind [if they had a crystal ball ]would chose it. dax

FriendofBill

:slaphead Confrontational......who, me?

Why, thats the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Thank you.

RRecovery

The 90 in 90 is not in any AA literature--it's a great suggestion though. It could be a great suggestion for you, too, to get involved in your own recovery.

Veronica

I didn't mean to start a debate on whether 90/90 is an AA thing or not - my concern is that my AH is not doing what his sponsor told him. Thankfully, I am in a different place this week than last and I really don't care if he goes to meetings or not. He started smoking yesterday - in every past occurance of him smoking cigarettes, he's relapsed. He is still going to meetings - just not 90/90. So, I really can't say that he will relapse (even with the trigger of smoking). I've decided that I am not going to stress about whether he goes to a meeting or not - me stressing about his recovery is not going to keep him sober! I'm angry, scared and confused. I'm considering leaving this whole thing - living life knowing my AH is one drink a way from relapse may be more than I can bare. This weekend we are going to a marriage seminar at our church. When it is over, my AH and I are going to decide whether or not to separate/divorce. Right now, I feel emotionally distant from my AH - protecting myself at this point, I think. I would like our marriage to work, but I'm starting to embrace the possibility of getting divorced. I don't know. I am really confused. Anyway, thank you all for your words of wisdom!

pmaslan

Veronica...
I know what you mean about living life knowing your A is one drink away from relapse. For me even if my ex would have gotten sober I would never have totally relaxed, I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. So for me being without him is the best possible thing I can do for me and most likely best for him given my fear.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best.