90 meetings in 90 days....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Veronica - sorry for the thread derailment. All I was trying to do was to show you that 90/90 is not an AA thing and that he may just need to find his own level.
Perhaps a separation might be best if you're not sure? That way you can focus on your stuff, he on his and then you can see if he can walk the walk. Just an idea......
Perhaps a separation might be best if you're not sure? That way you can focus on your stuff, he on his and then you can see if he can walk the walk. Just an idea......
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
[QUOTE=Veronica] Thankfully, I am in a different place this week than last and I really don't care if he goes to meetings or not. QUOTE]
Good girl. And you said it sister, worrying about it does not effect his recovery in any way.
Good girl. And you said it sister, worrying about it does not effect his recovery in any way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
No worries about the derailment Minnie - totally understand what you were saying. My AH and I have already separated once. He relapsed after inpatient treatment for 28 days. After a few months, I let him come home after he decided to work a recovery program. He relapsed 2 or 3 more times once he came home and then was sober for 9 months. Being separated was a very difficult decision and I've decided that I cannot go through that again. If we separate again, it will be for the purpose of getting a divorce. Our marriage counselor said that separating to figure things out on our own won't do any good because in order for our marriage to work, we have to figure things out together. I agree with that - plus, separating only to get back together is a roller coaster ride I do not want to take again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
Super long story (mostly chronicalled on SR). The gist of it was we were separated to work on our marriage. One weekend, he got drunk and flew out of state to meet up with some girl he met on a singles website. I found out, called him on his cell and told him I was done. I changed the locks on the house and completely quit the marriage. He came over directly from the airport, crying, and making all sorts of promises. He said he finally realized how much he needed to get sober for himself. He said he was afraid that if he went back to his apartment, he would drink himself to death. From what I had seen while we were separated, I actually believed that part. Anyway, I felt sorry for him and said he could have the proverbial "last chance" (though at that time, it was conditioned on him keeping the apartment and making no other changes then him moving home). He came home and started working his program. He relapsed a few times (for a day at a time), but the nature of the relapses were such that I felt he was getting better and I decided he could stay. Now, I torture myself with the "what ifs" - what if I had not let him move home? What if we had just stayed separated and gotten divorced? What would my life be like now? Better or worse? Better for not having to deal with the alcoholism, but worse for not having my husband in my life. Sometimes (like now) I just don't know what is better or worse.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Sorry - i forgot some of those details. What did the "last chance" mean? I gave loads of those, so don't stress about it. You will know what to do when the time is right. I used to hate it when people said that to me because it seemed so far off. But they were right.
What if, what if, what if. I am being haunted by those at the mo. Let me tell you why.
When R and I got together, he had nothing. His wife had left 3 months prior and filed for divorce. She had left him with a camp bed, a huge dining room table and 4 dining chairs (having taken the other 4 with her.) He was 3 weeks from being thrown out of his house, had court judgements against him for debts and was drinking himself into oblivion, although I didn't realise it at the time. Along came Minnie and made it all OK. Or so I thought. Now I wonder whether I scooped him up from just above his bottom and stopped him from experiencing the full consequences for the first time. Wonder? I know I did. So I know all about what ifs. I am now in a position where it is me that is about to make those what ifs happen. Karma, I guess.
What if, what if, what if. I am being haunted by those at the mo. Let me tell you why.
When R and I got together, he had nothing. His wife had left 3 months prior and filed for divorce. She had left him with a camp bed, a huge dining room table and 4 dining chairs (having taken the other 4 with her.) He was 3 weeks from being thrown out of his house, had court judgements against him for debts and was drinking himself into oblivion, although I didn't realise it at the time. Along came Minnie and made it all OK. Or so I thought. Now I wonder whether I scooped him up from just above his bottom and stopped him from experiencing the full consequences for the first time. Wonder? I know I did. So I know all about what ifs. I am now in a position where it is me that is about to make those what ifs happen. Karma, I guess.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Veronica... My 2 cents on 90 in 90.
I once explained to a friend that slipped every month or 2. Maybe 90 meetings in 90 days would be of help.
1. Something to think about or hopefully look forward to each day. He lived alone. Perhaps helps people living alone the most.
2. Usually different people on different meeting nights. More stories to relate to.
3. In our group we had step night, big book study night. speakers night.
4. You would be suprised at who attends meetings on certain nights.
5. You might help a newcomer.
6. You might find a wonderfull sponser.
Just lots of good reasons to go to 90 in 90.
My friend got sober. He gave credit to 90 in 90.
Again just my opinion, wanted to share that.
I once explained to a friend that slipped every month or 2. Maybe 90 meetings in 90 days would be of help.
1. Something to think about or hopefully look forward to each day. He lived alone. Perhaps helps people living alone the most.
2. Usually different people on different meeting nights. More stories to relate to.
3. In our group we had step night, big book study night. speakers night.
4. You would be suprised at who attends meetings on certain nights.
5. You might help a newcomer.
6. You might find a wonderfull sponser.
Just lots of good reasons to go to 90 in 90.
My friend got sober. He gave credit to 90 in 90.
Again just my opinion, wanted to share that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
If he had a serious heart condition, always one day away from a disabling or fatal heart attack would you say the same, that you couldn't deal with his always being one day away?
90/90 doesn't come from AA...as said above, it started in rehab with professional therapists. It's purpose was twofold. First was to give a newbie constant exposure to folks that had long term sobriety so they would believe it was possible. At first, coming out of treatment, folks tend to be wishful...perhaps even hopeful...but the constant exposure reinforces that it IS possible.
The second reason rehabs started 90/90 was based on the psych knowledge that the only way to form a habit is to do it over and over...90/90 forms the habit of going to meetings.
Where I live 90/90 is easy. I could hit 14 meetings a week within a 20 min drive, and that is morning and evening Mon thru Sat, morning, noon, and evening on Thur, and only Sun being the one day with only evening.
But what about the A that lives way out in the boonies with 1-2 meetings available? Or the A that that lives in one of the few places where meetings are not available? Does it mean that not being to get to a meeting regularily dooms the A to failure? No...it means they must develop another plan.
BubbaBob
90/90 doesn't come from AA...as said above, it started in rehab with professional therapists. It's purpose was twofold. First was to give a newbie constant exposure to folks that had long term sobriety so they would believe it was possible. At first, coming out of treatment, folks tend to be wishful...perhaps even hopeful...but the constant exposure reinforces that it IS possible.
The second reason rehabs started 90/90 was based on the psych knowledge that the only way to form a habit is to do it over and over...90/90 forms the habit of going to meetings.
Where I live 90/90 is easy. I could hit 14 meetings a week within a 20 min drive, and that is morning and evening Mon thru Sat, morning, noon, and evening on Thur, and only Sun being the one day with only evening.
But what about the A that lives way out in the boonies with 1-2 meetings available? Or the A that that lives in one of the few places where meetings are not available? Does it mean that not being to get to a meeting regularily dooms the A to failure? No...it means they must develop another plan.
BubbaBob
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
With respect to the heart attack analogy, it doesn't quite fit here. If I were married to a man with a disabling heart condition, his condition would not impair his judgment to the extent that he found it okay to join singles websites, look at porn, gamble away over $25K of our savings (while I was unemployed), fly out of state to drink with some chick all weekend, drive cars titled in both of our names while drunk....The list could go on. These are the things I fear and worse. If I stay, he will always be one drink away from any of these things. The decision of whether to stay or go is based on my desire to have stability, security and, at some point, children. Right now I do not know if these goals are possible with my AH. When I figure that out I will decide what to do.
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