Maybe a little manipulation....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Maybe a little manipulation....
...but at least I know I am right in my thinking.
What do I mean? This might be a little long
I really haven't talked to my AH much since last week when he told me I don't appreciate anything he does and that whole deal. Maybe I'm just fed up.
Anyway, I assumed he's been spending a lot of time at the bar. No....I haven't asked. And for the most part, I really don't care.
Tonight he called about 6:30. I was talking to my neighbor and told him I'd call him back when I was done. He said ok.
Well, about 45 minutes later, he calls me again. I told him I was still talking to her. So I asked him if he had somewhere to go or something...as he never calls me like that? He said his battery was about to die (he has to charge it in the apartment laundry room....his electric was shut off) so he wanted to call and see how the kids were. I was still busy talking and cleaning my car so I handed the phone to the kids and let them talk to him. My thinking was....he's probably going to the bar but doesn't want me to call him when he's there cause then I'll know, so he calls now and gives me this BS story about his battery dying so it'll sound good and so 'I won't ask him a thousand questions'. Whatever. Then my daughter say's, "I forgot to tell him something." and starts throwing a fit. So I called him back. I heard he was outside and said, "See, you did have to go somewhere." He said he was at a convenient store (which just happens to be next to the bar). I just said, "Oh." and left it at that and then told him that our daughter wanted to talk to him again.
Anyway, about 30 minutes later I forgot that I needed to talk to him about something (baby sitting issue/money...he's pays the sitter, so I wanted to offer him the courtesy of agreeing or disagreeing with my decision to possible go back to using our old sitter - he agreed that it would be good for our daughter, whose little attitude has been crazy). Anyway, I could hear cars driving past in the background (I know darn well he wasn't still at the convenient store). So I politely said, admist our conversation, that I thought it was nice of him to walk outside to talk to me. (Normally he'd just ignore that I was calling.) He sarcastically said, "That was nice of me wasn't it". So I said, "Yeah, that's what I said." His response, "Right." I moved on and finished my conversation.
I did ask him how much he spent up there each week. Of course he said, "$700". I said, "well, if D starts watching our daughter, it'll cost an extra $15 a week. Would you be able to pay that?" (He says money has been tight for him.) And he said, "Yes." I said, "Cool, cause this is saving me money having her take our son back and forth to school and I'll be able to buy groceries without worrying about not being able to pay a bill, but if I have to pay her that extra, I'll have less money for groceries." He reassured me that he'd pay her. So I told him I'd let him get back inside and would talk to him later.
So, I may have manipulated a little (which I know I'm not supposed to do the whole checking up on thing), but I also reassured myself that my instincts were right and I don't need to check up on him to know what I know.
What do I mean? This might be a little long
I really haven't talked to my AH much since last week when he told me I don't appreciate anything he does and that whole deal. Maybe I'm just fed up.
Anyway, I assumed he's been spending a lot of time at the bar. No....I haven't asked. And for the most part, I really don't care.
Tonight he called about 6:30. I was talking to my neighbor and told him I'd call him back when I was done. He said ok.
Well, about 45 minutes later, he calls me again. I told him I was still talking to her. So I asked him if he had somewhere to go or something...as he never calls me like that? He said his battery was about to die (he has to charge it in the apartment laundry room....his electric was shut off) so he wanted to call and see how the kids were. I was still busy talking and cleaning my car so I handed the phone to the kids and let them talk to him. My thinking was....he's probably going to the bar but doesn't want me to call him when he's there cause then I'll know, so he calls now and gives me this BS story about his battery dying so it'll sound good and so 'I won't ask him a thousand questions'. Whatever. Then my daughter say's, "I forgot to tell him something." and starts throwing a fit. So I called him back. I heard he was outside and said, "See, you did have to go somewhere." He said he was at a convenient store (which just happens to be next to the bar). I just said, "Oh." and left it at that and then told him that our daughter wanted to talk to him again.
Anyway, about 30 minutes later I forgot that I needed to talk to him about something (baby sitting issue/money...he's pays the sitter, so I wanted to offer him the courtesy of agreeing or disagreeing with my decision to possible go back to using our old sitter - he agreed that it would be good for our daughter, whose little attitude has been crazy). Anyway, I could hear cars driving past in the background (I know darn well he wasn't still at the convenient store). So I politely said, admist our conversation, that I thought it was nice of him to walk outside to talk to me. (Normally he'd just ignore that I was calling.) He sarcastically said, "That was nice of me wasn't it". So I said, "Yeah, that's what I said." His response, "Right." I moved on and finished my conversation.
I did ask him how much he spent up there each week. Of course he said, "$700". I said, "well, if D starts watching our daughter, it'll cost an extra $15 a week. Would you be able to pay that?" (He says money has been tight for him.) And he said, "Yes." I said, "Cool, cause this is saving me money having her take our son back and forth to school and I'll be able to buy groceries without worrying about not being able to pay a bill, but if I have to pay her that extra, I'll have less money for groceries." He reassured me that he'd pay her. So I told him I'd let him get back inside and would talk to him later.
So, I may have manipulated a little (which I know I'm not supposed to do the whole checking up on thing), but I also reassured myself that my instincts were right and I don't need to check up on him to know what I know.
Stuck in the past
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3
I Learned to manipulate so I could beat my AH at his own game. I wasn't always that way. You know he's going to lie so you find other ways to get the answer you want and already know.
I don't think you were checking up on him, just putting your mind at ease.
I don't think you were checking up on him, just putting your mind at ease.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I did a similar thing a couple days ago. I never ask if D is drinking anymore. I did however pose a question not related to drinking that he only answers in a particular way if drinking.
My mind was settled, suspicions correct and I can go on my merry way of not asking or questiong what I know to be a fact!
My mind was settled, suspicions correct and I can go on my merry way of not asking or questiong what I know to be a fact!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I know I need to just rid myself of this whole situation. Its really not about him but about what I'm not getting from him. I've stopped feeling like "He's ruining his life". Now I feel like, I'm going to ruin mine if I continue to wonder. I have no control over what he does or what he tells me. I shouldn't even care if he does decide to lie to me. This is my life and I'm going to live MY life. He can do whatever he wants as long as I don't let it interfer with mine.
Hey....I just realized I don't obsessively worry about him anymore. When he talks about his "woes" I actually feel my eyes starting to roll back into my head. Is that bad? That is bad. I wouldn't want someone to do that with me.
Hey....I just realized I don't obsessively worry about him anymore. When he talks about his "woes" I actually feel my eyes starting to roll back into my head. Is that bad? That is bad. I wouldn't want someone to do that with me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
For most of my life I was honest and straight forward with my AH ... only to find out after years and years (and visiting this forum) that as long as my AH is active, I am not dealing with a rational person. I am dealing with a person that really doesn't care what I think or do, the standards of behavior I try to uphold, whether I am stressed or tired or deeply hurt, but someone that is totally self absorbed and lies to me constantly. After decades of this and seeing him get worse and the alcohol actually making permanent changes in his mental state - I have had to say or do whatever is necessary to try to keep him functional enough so that he can at least contribute to the support of his children. Through the years he has drained thousands of dollars away from his family as a result of his drinking. If I completely block him out, he retaliates by drinking more and avoiding any responsibility to his children, both financially or emotionally .. something he never would have done a even a few years ago. No matter how bizarre or hateful he is to me, if I say or ask him anything he doesn't like, he will hang up on me, leave work and important matters unfinished ... resulting in even more financial problems that ultimately hurt his children. Since I feel my job as a parent is to support my children and give them stability, I end up by tolerating and at times manipulating situations with him I would never have done before - just so our children have a roof over their heads. Since we do not live together, at least we can have a little calm in the eye of his never ending hurricane - that is all I can hope for at this point in our lives.
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