mxfootguy

Hi everybody!.
This is my first posting. I’m going to Al-anon meetings for 3 months now and it seams I can’t find a way to start feeling better.
Let me start for the beginning:
I meet A almost 5 years ago where I was working. He told me he was alcoholic and sober for 5 months then and I told him I was gay. He wasn’t. So right from the beginning I put him in the “friends” drawer of my relationships.
He relapsed a while after that but we keep seeing each other. I didn’t know anything about enabling or so, but unconsciously I think I was doing the right thing.
After 2 years, he was living in another state and we had a fight over some money he owned me (the only time he asked me for money was to supposedly feed his soon…).
After 2 more years, I called him, he was back in town, we got together and the relationship kept going. He was drinking, he didn’t have a place to sleep (he was sleeping in different places every night) and I offered him to stay at home. I know. Big mistake. He was living with me 1 month a half and he was “seducing” me in ways a “friend” don’t seduce. Lots of talking and psychological ******** was going on. He was having doubts about his feelings for me, blah, blah, blah. Since he didn’t have a job, nor any money and he didn’t seam to be willing to get one, I ended up kicking him out, but with this feeling of guilt and totally in love as well (well, I know I liked the guy right from the beginning).
1 month later he let me know he was in detox and he was about to go into a 6 month program. That was the last thing I heard/knew about him. And now I found myself in a position I’ve never been before. I'm in love with someone that I don’t know if he was just using me and seducing me in order to get things out of me or if he really had / have feelings for me. In either case, I know there’s nothing I can do about it, but to move on.
The problem is I CAN’T!
I’ve started to compose and write and paint again (trying to dedicate time to myself), but guess what the main subject of my artistic outbursts are? Yeah, him.
I’m trying so hard not to think about him but every Al-anon meeting I go, reminds me why I went there in the first place…him. I know that that’s not the real reason. I am going there for me, to learn to take care of me, etc…but Still, I am totally lost. I’m afraid he’ll reappear in my life in 6 months and I’m afraid he will not as well…
While I was living with him, we talk a lot about AA and the program itself (he went there several times in his life) and once I told him: if what you’re doing now is something that you might have to make amendments in a future, just tell me so. I need to know where I am standing at. This is not about your alcoholism but my feelings now” and his answer was: “I know, the problem is I don’t know. Honestly I don't know what to do with you…It would be breaking all the rules that I’ve been raised with”. But I DO love you and I DO really want to be with you, cause we have a great time togueter. All this talking, of course, was because something DID happened between us…
So, the thing is: how do you deal with someone that got into your life (or you let him in), and now is gone without knowing if he’ll be back, and if he’ll do, why and how?
Still lost...Thanks in advance!

splendra

(((mx)))

I think what might help and I am sure you hear it a lot in alanon is to keep the focus on yourself and to just live oneday at a time. Now is all that we really have and we really do want to stay in today let the past be over and the future remains unknown to any of us.

The more energy you put into yourself liking yourself and being at peace with who you are if and when the time comes that he is trying to contact you you will be coming from a place of loving yourself instead of hoping someone will fill the hole inside and you will make choices based on what is the best for you.

Something that helps me so much is meditation. Making that connection with my HP fills me to over flowing and brings me so much peace imagine that at try it too. there are lots of web sites on the inter net that are about meditation. Just google the word meditation and you will have enough reading to last you for a very long time...

TexasGirl

Hi Mx-
First welcome to the group! I'm not a big artist or anything, but it seems that the paintings that reflect your thoughts of him are a way that you are working through your pain. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing. Art is often a reflection of what you are feeling at that time. Of course, you know yourself better than I do, and therefore you know if it's healthy or not.
Glad you're here. -- TG

mxfootguy

Wow, thanks splendra! The "fill of the hole" really hit me. Maybe cause it's one of those things that I know i have and it hurts a lot to admit it...But seeing that it's so easy to see it from the outside...what't the point in keep trying to hide it and therefore working on it, right?
Damn!, Internet and people are such a good thing!
As for meditation, funny thing I'm starting toda yoga...
Thanks again
Max

mxfootguy

Thanks for the welcoming and your thoughts!
I know my artistic side is great for me, and, as you said, I'm working through my pain with them. But still...IT IS PAINFULL. But i guess that's something that sooner or later i have to go through. Relating it with what Splendra wrote, I thing i have to start filling the hole with me instead of with someone else...
thanks for caring.
Max

reader

Welcome to Sr!!! I can't add much to what Splendra wrote because she had great advice. Give your self time to heal and get over a love. I know I sound like an old lady now but time can heal some wounds. It sounds like you are on the right track though by doing your art and releasing your feelings. Keep coming back read and share. There are some very wise people here! Take Care of yourself first and fourmost. Prayer is a great help to me also. I hope your feeling less conflicted soon. Know you are not alone! Kerry

gingger

Hi, everybody, I am Gingger. This is my first posting. I can imagine what mxfootguy is going through is a challenge. I liked Splenda's advice to put energy into yourself, and meditation. I am planning to take meditation soon. I find it hard to concentrate. I dream good, just can't induce any type of meditation yet. I used to drink 100% Southern Comfort, and smoke close to two packs of cigarettes a day. I stopped cold turkey. I relapsed into smoking a couple times, for a week at a time, and stopped again. I have been clean for four years now. I will repeat, mxfootguy situation, seems like a challenge. And challenges, builds character. I believe there is a learning process that we can take advantage of in every challenge we encounter in life. People that we meet along the way, that is our path in life, negative or positive, can make us stronger. Every tight spot or rock or hole that we come across or trip over, can make us stronger if we let it. If you met this guy again, you don't have to prejudge the situation, just feel it as it goes along. If this friendship or relationship compliments your well being, good. If it starts to eat at you or bring you down or make you feel low, then you may need to make adjustments. Well I have blah blah enough for now. I also feel art is a good release. I am a bit of a artist myself, but my art comes out a bit dark, ha. I have to go, you all take care for now. Nice meeting yall. My email is ginggeralle******.com. I check there alot.

FriendofBill

Are you going to al anon meetings or are you working a program of recovery?

There is a difference.

For me, when I finally did what was suggested, sponser, miltiple meetings, reaching out, prayer, service...the gifts came true. The letting go got easier, the self esteem rose, made healthier relationship choices..the whole shebang.

You can recover, we all can, but the decision has to be made to live it 100%.

gingger

Hi, everybody, I am Gingger. Yes me again. I post the last posting without adding a couple words, (can make a world of difference!) to make it more appropriate. Here it is again, revised, a little. My apologizes. This is my first posting. I can't imagine what mxfootguy is going through. But it seems like a challenge. I liked Splenda's advice to put energy into yourself, and meditation. I am planning to take meditation soon. I find it hard to concentrate. I dream good, just can't induce any type of meditation yet. I used to drink 100% Southern Comfort, 24/7,and smoke close to two packs of cigarettes a day. I stopped cold turkey. I relapsed into smoking a couple times, for a week at a time, and stopped again. I have been clean for four years now. I will repeat, mxfootguy situation, seems like a challenge. And challenges, I believe, builds character. I believe there is a learning process that we can take advantage of in every challenge we encounter in life. People that we meet along the way, that is our path in life, negative or positive, can make us stronger. Every tight spot or rock or hole that we come across or trip over, can make us stronger if we let it.Here are my thoughts, if you met this guy again, you don't have to prejudge the situation, just feel it as it goes along. If this friendship or relationship compliments your well being, good. If it starts to eat at you or bring you down or make you feel low, then you may need to make adjustments. But then again I have never been in love, so I don't know the power of it. If that is the case of course. Well I have blah blah enough for now. I also feel art is a good release. I am a bit of a artist myself, but my art comes out a bit dark, ha. I have to go, you all take care for now. Nice meeting yall!

sunshinebluesky

the two most confusing relationships (romantic/intimate) i ever had in my whole life were with a guy who smoked weed every single day,and my last--the alcoholic. even if they mean well, even if they arent lying (which everyone says is almost impossible,but i still have a hard time believing my last one lied...he just wasnt like that) they are just so not in reality that i dont think THEY know what they feel. i have been with alot of men in my life,but never have i had to deal with so many mixed signels,contradictions,confusion. i truly believe that is what makes it so hard to let go. but we need to do whatever we need to do,to do just that.

mxfootguy

Hi everybody again, and THANKS again!
I don't know what particular situations brought you people here, but i just want you to know that it feels SO good seeing that someone cares!
"Reader": what you said is what my mum would have said. THANKS. the "time can heal some wounds" was something i heard soooo many times from her. And she was always right...so i don't see why this time would be different.
Just for everybody to know: I know my self esteem is more than low now and I'm trying to pump it up every day. No bad lasts hundred years. And with all of this I truly believe in the power of words. A lot of them are like triggers that somehow conect what one might have been thinking with reality and again, somehow makes you feel better, or at least readier to keep growing and accepting the pain that comes within.
Ginger: i never thought about the whole situation in terms of a challenge and the build of character that implies. Hell, yeah! Now I do and it's something that after every thought i have about him, i say to myself "com'on Max, you need this, it's part of the whole process of taking care of you. It will go away when it has to" Don't misunderstand me here, please. I do miss him, but I'm starting to think that maybe is something that may had have to happened in order to grow.
Friend of Bill, answering you, I'm going to Al-anon meetings and he is (i think) in a recovery program. Regarding Al-anon, i think what's really hard to deal with for me is on one hand, the no cross talking thing; and on the other, the fact that even though I'm going to a Gay Al-anon meeting, still is really hard for me to "compare" in order to "use" others sharings: Everybody there IS into a relationship. In my case I don't know. I feel that my situation is kind of more "abstract", It's like i can't find the handle of it.
and finally, Sunshinebluesky: you've just said what is beating in my head since all of this started and i don't want to accept. It's true i've had never dealt with so many mixed signals,contradictions and confusion in my life and probably HE doesn't know whe he feels. I just wish I could say the same about me. I know that the fact I have to work on myself implies that my actual relationships might be kind of sick (as I am starting to admit I am) but even knowing this, i can't help but to think that my feelings are true. That I do love him , that he might be the one.
Now. Something good to share: Yesterday i went for a first time to a yoga class. It was a real intense thing (specially cause i went to a naked yoga class). And the energy i got there was amazingly conforting. That gave me some strenght to start caring about my body as well....cause it appears to be kind of rusty now...LOL
Well, thanks everyone again and THANK GOD (or whatever everybody believes in) i found you guys!
I keep striving to be happy and paths are opening up to me
Enjoy your day!

sunshinebluesky

for much of the time i was WITH my last ex (which brought me here-just to update you) my self esteem was not very good. it was never that he put me down intentionally,it was just some of the things he said,and many things he did not say. add that to the fact that my whole life my self esteem has been very fragile. funny you said that about the naked yoga thing,which im sure raised a few eyebrows!! i read somewhere a very long time ago, that to learn to accept yourself,just try walking around your house house naked,at least for awhile. really look at yourself.feel comfortable with yourself. and i did this alittle when i was with him,yet home alone. once we split and he moved someone else in very quickly,my self esteem was totally shattered. ive since made friends with the mirror.well,ok--maybe not such great friends (!) but i continue to do the at home in the buff thing on occasion and though sometimes it can be depressing, it also can show you some good things,and make you want to work on whats not so good. i think that i have been taking care of myself alittle better--exercising more,nice soaps,body washes,moisturizers,etc......there are still many times where i want to just break the mirror but i can see how the naked meditation could really help your mind. i have never been able to get into meditation,guess im too hyper for that. well, good for you-glad you are thinking clearer,finding some calm in the confusion,and that you are here.
trust me,that confusion is a bit*h!!!!