elizabeth1979

This man detoxes about 3 times a year, and every time he gradually works his way back to where he was before detox. Sick circle it is.

I live my life, dont do things he is capable of himself and try my best to focus on myself and my recovery.

PROBLEM: He is of the opinion that I should never drink anything at all ever. In the home, out of the home, on a space ship, or in Rome.

K, you get my point. Hes not asking me to not have a glass of wine in front of him, hes asking me to never have one period.

Heres the common dialogue.

HIM: If you want me to quit drinking, then you should too.
ME: Your drinking is your business.
HIM: ITs not fair for you to drink if I cant.
ME: Who said you cant?
HIM: Dont start that crap with me, you want me to quit
ME: No, I want you to do what works for you and I will do the same.
HIM: Fine I will do what I want then.
Me: OK.*then I pick up my keys and head for the door
HIM: If you leave, I will leave and not come back.
ME: Do what you have to do. I am sorry to hear that but we all must do whats good for us

The converation usually goes sour at this point and he beings to yell and explain that he can stay sober but only if he knows I will never touch a drop ever again. I dont love him enough to stay and talk about it, and on and on. After we dance this dance for about 3 hours I give in, talk it over and cave to his demands....not reaching an agreement about the original issue (whether or not I am 'allowed' to have a drink.)
BULLSH**.

I am not into emotional blackmail and manipulation and thats what this is. I am sick of his demands on my life. SICK AND Damn tired of it.

I might get scolded for this but here it is.

I like wine. Not a whole bottle, a glass or two. Can anyone tell me a valid reason for me respecting his request when he wont actively work a recovery program and drinks all day long? If I dont control him and expect him to live by my rules, like a good little recovering codie, than why should I have to follow his rules and be controlled?

Insight? Please?

Cynay

Ohhhhh dont get me started on this one.

My ex-abf came home one day and decided that he was goint to AA and that I was not allowed to drink anymore either.

I love wine too, after a few conversations I just told him point blank. Out of respect for what your trying to do, and knowing you are an A.... I will not bring it into the house, and I will not drink around you... but dont "tell" me what I will and will not do.

I was at the point that I refused to change even on little thing about me though.... this was toward the end of the relationship and by this time I was already so hurt and ANGRY.

There is something in the Big Book about this issue, and in the end it says they are still thinking with an A's mind when demanding this from others.

elizabeth1979

I know this is a topic thats usually overdone, I just needed to get it out. Thanks guys.

Im at the point where I wont change either and some of my boundries are like brick walls, I feel like I sued to bend over into a pretzel and now I wont bend even a bit.

I would like to tell him to go fly a kite.

minnie

The way I see it, I would be perfectly happy to be respectful if my partner was actively working his recovery. That means that I would stop drinking when they were around if that is what they felt they needed to stay sober. However, I would not give up my right, as a non-alcoholic, to have a glass of wine if I were out without them.

And if they were not getting sober - well they can go whistle.

quietsins

for myself it was looking at his past and my past and weighing both.....


hmmmm well lets see.. was i there when he was the life of the party? nope
was i there when he could handle a job and drinking? nope
was i there when he crashed...yup
was i there when he was sick...yup
did i cause his problem??? nope
can my drinking affect his sobriety??? only if he lets it
can my giving up drinking cause him to see recovery... nope

so i had a few beers with a girlfriend and that was the beginning of the end... he sought out all his addictions.. the porn, the gambling, but he wasnt drinking as much (lol).. forgive me for not sticking around.... i made my choices and mine are right for me. hes a train wreck looking for bodies to take with him.

without recovery.... there is no hope... at least in my opinion. we are battling something darker, more destructive, more manipulative, more conniving, more horrible than any human can undertake even for the best of intentions.

only God and a recovery program can help... for myself... i set boundaries... he broke them.... i left... some can forgive... some can forget... i have tried both too many times.... now i rebuild.

quietsins

FriendofBill

:elephant I think its perfectly fine to drink whilst travelling over Rome in space.

But thats just me.

CatsTail

To echo Gelfling............No.

Ngaire