ellima01

As most of you know- Imy AH celebrated 2 monthes clean yesterday- he is going to meetings daily and even got a job- we don't argue anymore- and he is even helping around the house!!
Here's where it gets weird-
I have (all of my adult life) struggled with depression- now that AH is not drinking and all that - I am MORE depressed than I was before-
HOW can that be?
I am streed all the time- I don't know what is wrong with me. I went to an Alanon meeting a few weeks ago- and I really thaought it was kind of kooky ( no offense intended)- I am working full time and going to school- it is hard to find time to give it another try. I thought my depression might be pent up feelings I still have about my AH- but I am not sure.
Have any of you had this problem?
Also- I thought our sex life would get better once he was sober- now we just don't do it.- He still loves on me and stuff- but doesn't act real interested in anything else
any advise?

FriendofBill

Your happiness is not based upon his sobriety. Did you somehow think it was?

Seems that you based your happiness level on his getting sober.This is called codependent behavior. "If he feels good, I will feel good...if he feels down, I will feel down".

Sounds like you need to put focus on your troubles, depression, issues in life.

Attending only 1 al anon meeting, you can hardly judge whether it is beneficial for you, dont you think.

equus

I think there are alot of emotions when someone first trying - I now there are with me. Hey, it's someone you love fighting something really hard, it would be even more strange if you felt nothing.

I went to individualcounselling and that helped me lots, as did learning about alcohol abuse and dependency. I go to joint counselling from an alcohol counsellor with my hubby because the counsellor we had originally felt that would work well for us - it's had it's ups and downs but no regrets here.

Go easy on yourself - it isn't the easiest thing to live through but you haven't gone bonkers!!

Do you have close friends you can confide in? I find that a real life saver and posting here has meant I've met lots of excellent people who have been through the same thing.

Take care of yourself and give yourself a hug. My hubby's been trying to stop for nearly two months now, he's had 3 lapses (drinking days) but each time has got back on the horse. It's not a smooth road but it has it's good days!

Zoey

Just my opinion, but I feel we all go through this. We are afraid they will relapse. We are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Perhaps we were used to or addicted to the drama and chaos??

Two months is barely a toe hold for him. It will take time, sobriety has to be scarey for him too. From another thread it seems that no sex is kinda the norm too, for the newly sober A.
It is just my feeling, but until he gets thru his 4th and 5th step, everything is going to be very difficult for him. I have never walked in the male's shoes on this.
I have attended AA meetings and have heard how difficult it is to get sober and stay sober.
Al-Anon would be a big help with this. If difficult to get there at least get the lititure and the "One Day at a Time" book. Perhaps you have it.
From my comments, just take what you can use and leave the rest.
You have been a member here sense July 2004, so perhaps you know as much as I do.
HUGS

ellima01

friend of bill- no, i do not base my happiness on his sobriety- What i mean is that with not having the stress of a drunken ass in my house, i thought my stress level would have went down a bit- not up. I understand what codependant behavior is- because i am aware of my codependancy.And I am not judging Alanon- just that paticular group.
Equus: Thanks so much for your advise- and good luck to you.
ellima01

harleygirl92156

Granted, each individual HAS to work on his or her own happiness. BUT, when a marriage or relationship is involved, that is WE business. As each person in the relationship works on themselves and takes care of their own happiness, the marriage CAN NOT be ignored!!! The relationship must be tended ALONG with individual growth. It is hard work, but it has to be done if the relationship is to survive the sobriety or the alcoholism.

When some people discount the relationship aspect, it really gets me. How can the relationship grow if, like a garden it is not tended!! Get real.

ellima01

THANKS Harley girl- that is a topic not touched on here very much. I do understabd the importance of working on ourselves- but I also know we must work on the WE.

harleygirl92156

If you read up on this, you will find this is VERY common. My husband has been sober nearly a year. Our sex life was strained to say the least at first. It took time for it to improve. Hang in there, it will get better, just give him some time to work through all he must. Better yet, talk to him about it and be sure he knows YOU are interested, but don't push. It will come and it will be better.

reader

I understand what your saying about feeling stressed all the time. Alot of changes take place in a marriage in the early days of soberity. When my H got to the month mark I was very proud. I did put some unnecassary pressure on my self. I tried to keep our home and children calm and stress free. I realize now that I can't do it for him. Of course when he drank after that I was devasated. I know now I can't invest that much of myself into his program.All I can suggest is give yourself time to adjust to a sober husband. I wouldn't worry about the sex part yet, he may have difficulty relaxing himself yet to be intimate without the crutch of alcohol. It is so different to be with a sober person. Try to relax and talk to your HP. If the depression keeps up you may want to consider a med. They can work wonders. Let me know how u are doing. I know what your dealing with I felt the same way. Take Care, Kerry

FriendofBill

Now exactly WHERE did I say in my post that a marriage is not important, Harley?

harleygirl92156

The whole post implies one should work on themselves only and not worry or feel anything for the spouse or SO. I agree one must work on themselve, but not while discounting or ignoring the relationship. The two go hand in hand and if not tended to will die. I just have stong feelings about this issue. I feel AA and Al anon put very little focus on working the relationship and too much focus on working only on ones self. For those in the program that have no relationship, this is great, but for those of us going into the program in a marriage or relationship, we need some work on the relationship within the program as well. AA and Al anon are a big part of our lives and a little more focus on the WE aspect would be wonderful. I know, I know, if we work on the I and the me, the WE will improve. That is true, but the WE also has to be worked on, improvement won't just come because we are working on ourselves.
I didn't mean to upset you, I just have an opinion and wanted to express it. You have your right to your opinion and I have my right to mine. I felt your post was pretty negative about working on the relationship and to focus ONLY on ones self. I for one do not see how selfishness can improve a relationship. There has to be a happy balance of working on ones self and working on the relationship at the same time, that is all.

ASpouse

Personally I think if someone has to "really work" on a relationship, there never was much of one to begin with.

Sure relationships take work to get over the bumpy parts, but to work at it ongoing for a lifetime, well no, I don't think a good healthy relationship should be that way. Working on oneself over the course of a lifetime is different, we are forever changing and evolving and hopefully partners in a relationship are doing this together.

For the most part, it should run smoothly and efficiently, sort of like a fine tuned instrument, occasionally bringing the instrument in for a tune up.

FriendofBill

Oh IMPLIES...I see......


As the old joke goes "Please dont confuse me with the facts".

harleygirl92156

Personally, I feel that is nuts. I feel the relationship must be "kept" tuned and it does take work, constant work. Relationships change, people change and grow and when people change, that has to be worked into the relationship. Relationships take work, constant work if they are to continue to grow and STAY fine tuned over the long haul. Just my opinion!

As for working on yourself for a lifetime, yes that is soooo true.

harleygirl92156

First, I didn't intend in anyway to make you angry. I just felt your post was against working on the marriage. I apologize if I was mistaken.

Second, how do you feel about working on a marriage while both spouses are working on recovery at the same time. Have you any insight or suggestions how to have the two, individual growth and relationship growth, work together hand in hand?

ASpouse

Well, for me my relationships flow quite easily, even with my H who is recovering from his alcohol addiction. When we hit a snag, we work on it and move forward. It stinks staying stuck in the same place and I am not adverse to change, neither is he, perhaps that is why it works and we never do the "you did this" type of thing. What's past is past, we forgive each other and move forward. I even forgive him his alcoholism, because he is working his program and he is happy.

Life goes by too quickly to stay stuck in one spot for years and years.

How horrid that everyday one must deal with life's stresses along with putting effort forth on a relationship, EVERY SINGLE DAY! What happened to fun, to smiling, to enjoying some peaceful quiet together without an indepth conversation about 'what you're thinking' about. HG, you are very intense and even though I think you are very nice, your intensity would scare me away.

Cap3

Different strokes for the many different folks,,as always...smile.
HG,you say,improvement,won't just come because we are working on ourselves.If we work on the i and the me,the we will improve.Thats true for me,up to a point.It was not only working on my own recovery,keeping my focus on this,but also handing all to God,asking,for His Will never my own.Here was the key for our marriage.I dont ask hub to change.This is up to him,what and if he wants to change.Today i hear alot about working,on marriages,and to me this sounds like work.After having worked for 10 hours a day,back when i first started recovery,do you think i wanted to do more "work",on my marriage?No way,i was tired.The only time,to be honest that i almost went for this working bussiness,on marriage,was when i wanted him to change for me.To be more of what i could accept,wanted.Then thought no way,let go,let God,and work on da self.Because ,SELF, was my biggest problem..I "share" my life with hub.This in no way,this means i control or try to control,him....I wish for hub,to be the person that he so desires.My love for him is not conditional.Its given freely.You say that the garden needs tending.The most beatiful gardens ive seen in my life are wild,flowers,in the hillls,or where no human lives,in the fields.God is taking care of them.He knows when to water them,when not to.And they look beautiful.Thriving better that the home grown flowers.They wither and die,in Gods time,not our,time.Those flowers that are couped,in fences,or in houses,controled flowers.Those flowers that are watched over,given water,food when another thinks that they need it.Sometimes giving too much,water/food and they die.Other controled flowers eventually,lose their zest,for life,as time goes by.And they die before their time.Either inside or out.
Well thats my scoop,on my own marriage,experience.To each their own...Every one is,,different.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!

ASpouse

Well, I look at it this way and I know many here will feel I am being "not so nice".

I have a happy healthy marriage right now. We are happy, we are both working, own our own home, have a healthy life together. We have two great kids and lots of dogs we love to work with and train. We got to this point because of what you feel is "nuts".

I've forgiven my husband his indiscretions, he's forgiven me mine. We move forward together everyday. Do we always agree? Nope, but we know each other well enough to know on many points neither of us is going change and we accept that. We love each other for our shortcomings and for our strengths. Neither of us puts the other on a pedestal or in such a position that we couldn't possibly aspire to.

So, looking at my relationship with my husband and looking at yours, I have to question "What is nuts" and what isn't.

equus

What if the words were changed from working on a relationship to tending to a relationship? I see work as something done purely for a different gain - where as I tend to what I care for because that's a pleasure in itself.

This is from my experience being included in D's recovery and from stuff I learned to do even with long friendships. The alcohol service decided to work with us together because they felt our already strong bond was an asset. Even so some of their time with us has been about finding even better ways to work together.


Tending to my relationship.
Here's some of the stuff I/we do and hope I/we keep doing.

* I greet him with a hug, when I come in, when he comes downstairs or back from a shop. Even a dog has the sense to welcome their mate, sometimes we'd do well to learn from them.

* Not to sleep on anger, to go to sleep friends.

* To not let resentments build but to clear the air every once in a while, we were told to try a sandwhich method for tackling something negative, e.g. "Thanks for taking the rubbish out, and for washing the pots, but please can you wipe down the surfaces too? The floor looks good though." At the very least 3 good things to each negative. The discipline helps us have to think of a more complete picture than just what's annoying us - it often lifts the anger and makes the comment just a comment, not an angry moan.

* Allow time for each other and doing things together.

* Forgiving each other mistakes - not ignoring them but actively being aware that unless by some miracle we wake up perfect they will happen, and will always happen.

* Treating each other with dignity and respect, not name calling (even if we row), not trying to judge motive, not telling the other one what they 'really' think, curtesy, listening, and building communication.

* Being specific in what we ask or expect of each other. Instead of 'I wish you would be tidier' it's better to say 'Please can you not leave your shoes in the middle of the room, would you be willing to put them under the table?' Then praise specifically for what's done. Hell, my Mum and Dad have been married for 36 years and they could do with learning that - they never seem to REALLY know what the other one wants, or REALLY say what they want.

* Being careful to be reasonable in what we expect of each other, knowing our roles and expecting each other to be responsible for their own parts, but also taking responsibility for our own part.

I can't think of all the stuff, that's just a few that I hope we never stop 'tending to'.

Last of all I hope we never stop learning about each other or knowing that there's still more to learn.

FriendofBill

Im not angry, not at all. What should I be angry with? Someone who reacts to a post of mine? Thats not about me.....

I absoultely agree it takes 2 to recover a marriage, and my former A husband DID cheat.....BUT...........

before there can be 2, there must be a 1 (She) and another 1 (He) who are individuals. Own hobbies, interests, personalities, identities. If either of these "1"'s do not have thier own "selves", then it is difficult to bring anything worthwhile to a relationship.

The ramora fish is a fish that has suction cups on it, it sucks itself to sharks and goes wherever the shark goes. It is "Attached". It has no identiy other than the shark. It cant go, so, or bewhat it wants, cus its attached to something outside itself.

If a person is only happy when the alcoholic is happy, that is a problem, or at least it was for me. That is an unhealthy attachment. Its kinda like having an IV stuck in my arm, and the other end stuck in his arm. Id rather have my IV attached to my higher power, cus Then ID know Im going to be ok.