softasylum

Hello everybody. I have been reading the various posts for a few days now and you all seem like such loving compassionate people. Maybe I can find some peace here. I am desperate for some advice.I will try to make my story as succinct as possible while still making sense so please bear with me. So here goes--I am a 40 year old woman who has spent the majority of her life (since I was 15) with a habitual probelm drinker and occasisonal substance abuser( he is mostly finished with the drug use although I'm sure he wouldn't turn down a nosefull of blow if it was offered).Yes I understand that I should have escaped years ago but here I still am. Here is my present situation:My husband's abhorrent behavior could fill volumes but understand that he does not feel he has a probelm -of course it's me not him--he does not care what others think or feel he is not embarrassed nor does he seem to ever feel remorse for his actions. I have begged, raged, cried, threatened, nagged, blah blah blah- you all know the routine-- all to no avail.He does not drink everyday, but all weekends and sometimes during the week is more his style, but when he drinks Oh God he is awful and sickening to be around.He doesn't drive (how convenient for him huh?) so he has never had a DWI,holds a very good job, rarely missing a day for any reason. He will go in reeking of booze-- his seatmates on the train must love him I'm sure. We have a just turned 7 year old son (who was concieved after years of infertility treatments) who is undoubtedly being irreparably damaged by the unending battle between his parents. My husband has become a nightmare to live with and it sickens me that he really feels NO REMORSE nor has he ANY desire to change his behavior.Stupidly I have devoted my entire life to taking care of and trying to create a nice home for him and although I believe I am a very intelligent person- in trying to shape my little world I have cultivated very little in twenty first century job skills and cannot support my little boy and myself at this point so leaving is not an option right now. We also have a mortgage and large amount of debt so although I have seen a lawyer, realistically my husband would not be able to pay our bills and be able to afford his own if he moved out. He would refuse to leave anyway and believe I have asked him to get out and leave us in peace many many times. He doesn't even have the decency to go pass out on the sofa it's always me who will escape there or to the spare bedroom. I cannot get a job in the evenings or weekends because I do not trust husband to keep our little guy safe and it has been next to impossible to find a position that allows me to work while my son is at school because most places want at least one night or weekend day and that is out of the question for me. I am trying to try to alleviate some of our debt and pray that I can get out eventually and will try to figure out a way to hone my job skills so that someday I will be able to better support us. So finally dear souls-- HOW DO I MAINTAIN MY SANITY IN THE INTERIM!!???? Life with this man has become a living hell.. How can I shield my beautiful little one from this? It is so pathetic he is so wise for his age- He'll say "Just ignore him Mommy", or sadly he will try to overcompensate by talking about how much he loves his Daddy and wants me to tell him that I love Daddy too, tells me that he knows I love Daddy because out of all the people in the world you married him Mommy and you and him made a baby.. it destroys me to even write this..I don't want my baby to cry or be frightened or see me cry and rage anymore. I have tried to detach but my husband won't allow that he creates too much chaos and my son will try to follow him around outside while he traipses around to the neighbors (who just happen to be drunks too, lucky me I just really picked the right block to buy a home on huh?) and up and down the street while I fight with our son to please come inside with me so I don't have to fear that God Forbid he'll run into the street while Daddy is not watching him. I am ranting now I'm sorry -Thank you for allowing me a place to do so-- Can anyone offer me some advice? Sorry such a long post.

BigSis

I cannot tell you what to do, of course. I can share that Alanon face to face meetings helped me understand about my participation in addiction/alcohlism. I can share that I stayed in an abusive marriage for FAR too long, damaged my children FAR too much all because I was 1. afraid to lose my house 2. afraid to "fail" at marriage and 3. had a fear that I would be alone forever. Staying ended up being worse.

We got better after a very long time, intense counseling and big changes on his part. Today we are mediocre-happy. Back in counseling and not doing very well at it.

What I know today is that I will walk away from this house in a heart beat. I've been able to get housing in the past, and if it is God's will that I own another home, that opportunity will come back to me. I have also learned that I won't stay in a damaging marriage to please other people, including my children.

Alanon has given me a strength that I never had before. Someone advised me to try 6 meetings before passing judgement. I started at 1 per week. I go about 3 times a week now, sometimes less, sometimes more. The Alanon program has changed the way I look at life, and consequently how life is effecting me.

I hope you can find some meetings....

minnie

Hi there, softasylum, and welcome to SR. As you have seen, this is a wonderfully supportive community. Have you looked at the sticky and power posts at the top of the forum? The ones on the nar-anon forum are great too.

BigSis is right on the money when she suggests al-anon. There I learnt that I had choices and the strength to see them through. I chose to leave, many others chose to stay. But that's very different than feeling trapped, I reckon.

You CAN learn to detach - I know the chaos thing all too well. But it's THEIR chaos and you can learn tools to remove yourself, physically and emotionally.

Keep reading and posting. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

JT

I have to agree with Big Sis's suggestion. No matter how trapped you may feel you do have choices and you may need some help discovering that. You don't have to participate in the chaos. Your little boy is seeing you doing all the things you mention and he is asking you to stop. Often family and friends see us as the one who is nuts while the alcoholic lives his life the way he wants.

You have tried in every way you know how to change him and it hasn't worked. Now it is time to change you.

((Hugs))
JT

guyinNC

Do you have any family to go too?

It sounds like its time to make some hard decisions. Stay here at this site, I am a newbe, and these nice people are already helping me.

Cap3

Welcome,Softasylum,your sharring has really brought back memories for me.Those were the days,that i thought would never end,for sure.But they have,through living in recovery programs,and as it has turned out for us here,i didnt have to move anywheres.Alcoholism is often called the family desease.The alcoholic acts,and the family reacts.Your sons words,touched a nerve in me.Because when my kids were young,they said the same thing,.But i refused to listen to them.Kids,wowow,they know.They have such unconditional love,for their parents.For life!!!Their insights,are deep,and knowing.But i did not listen,and kept saying to myself,this is not the right way to live.Thought my kids would be damaged,if we stayed.When i came to programs i let go.Let go,of all this expectaions,,stuff,and started to live in program.This is what help my focus.In Al-anon,there is reference to changed attitudes,will aid recovery.And this is true for us here.....Today when we talk here about the ole times.My kids always say that i was worse than Dad could ever be.{not when i drank,binged drinked,it was when i was sober,i caused more damage,they told me this}Because i was the one ranting/raving about his behaviour.Dad,was doing what was natual for an alcoholic.And somehow they knew this.But me?Well,the anger,judgements,ya know,,that 'stuff' was what really got to them,when they were young..I have sence made my amends to them.All and all our family has turned out pretty good,as of today through God,s Grace.Through this horrible disease,ive learend a host of lessons,lots of growth too.
There are meetings that you can bring your son with you.Its well worth,it to go for your own recovery.These recovery programs saved my life....You are no longer all alone.There is help and fellowship.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care.

Jewgirl952

Sounds to me like Al-Anon is good for the long haul for you, but does not help your immediate problem. I sounds like you want to get out but cannot financially. If you have reached that point, you need to call your local health department and explain your situation to them. They will give you phone numbers possibly for a shelter you can take your son and go to. My daughter, who is now 32, did this in the past. She was pregnant at the time, very pregnant, and went to a shelter. They will protect you and keep your identity protected and will direct you on how to get help. You don't have to be self-sufficient to find help and be safe. If you can't get help with the Health Department, call the local police department and they will give you a phone number. There are shelters for this very purpose and help is out there for people in your exact situation. Once you and your boy are safe, then you can look to Al-Anon for help.

Good luck, dear heart!

softasylum

Thank all of you so so much for your kindness. I havr thought about trying the Alanon route however I have a couple of issues- one being that I really do not have anyone to leave my son with while I attend-- he has severe separation anxiety issues so leaving him even with a loving neighbor is not an easy task--two being (and with all due respect mind you) I do not feel that his alcoholism and personality disorders are my disease also and I will refuse to accept any responsibility for them. I have a loving family but nobody is in the position to take us in and please don't be worried I do not feel that he will physically abuse us--its just the emotional brutality anyway if he EVER did that I would'nt hesitate to crack him with the proverbial frying pan haha. I don't want to learn to love him despite his sickness(the love has been drained by him quite a long time ago and after all the misery I don't ever envision it returning) I did do a healthy thing today tho-- I left the house and my boy and I spent the day with one of my oldest and closest firends and for the first times in many weeks I didn't have that creeping heartwrenching anxiety of watching the drinking start. Ironically he had gone fishing with his crony and stayed sober for the day although he is over there as I write watching a boxing match and chugging them down I'm sure. But at least for today there was no stress and the little guy is sound asleep and I plan on getting comfy and settling in to watch the season premiere of Sat Night Live, hopefully the fight won't end until very late and he won't walk in till my show is over. But even if he does I will just keep quiet. Once more thank you all so much and I will wishing and praying for all of you to find happiness and peace of mind. xoxo

Cap3

My prayers will be with you also,for you and your family.
God Bless,,,

sketscher

I can't really understand your pain as I have never been married or had a child. But your story just sent chills through me and I wanted to reply. I also notice your Jim Morrison lyrics as your title and name...right? Who we of course know was an A and addict as well and died at 27! I'm a huge fan but I feel like I lived w/my own Jim for a year and I can't fathom a lifetime of that.

Anyway I can see from you writing that you are extremely intelligent and aware. I have not tried Alanon myself so I can't really add to that suggestion but I think you have the right plan in mind as far as honing job skills. And you realize this may take time and effort on your part.

I was trying to think of a job that would suit your needs. Possibly a doctor's office or dentist as an office worker? Maybe childcare? I also thought of the fact that you can audit classes at college's (little cost and no credit). You already know how to use a computer. You have more skills than you are aware of I bet! And if you explain your situation with little detail I am sure that you can find an employer(s) who will work with you.

I am here to say that being independant of a man financially is the best thing I have going on! It's saved my sanity many times. I believe setting a goal for YOU will help you tremendously. Set a goal and make steps each day towards it. You and your little guy deserve a better life. I am hoping the best for you and hope to see you on here again.

softasylum

Thanks for the encouraging words sketscher, yes I am a huge devotee of Jim Morrison(gee if only my husband had a bit of his wisdom and insight and did I mention beauty yum I might be able to deal better haha),I loved that you recognised that in my name and post title. Husband came home just before my show ended damn him! so since he was falling all over I missed the last 15 minutes, oh well the season opener wasn't all that anyway--but although I did journey to the sofa--his breath could have knocked a buzzard off of a sh*t wagon ;( I didn't say a word and mostly kept my trap shut today, not that I kissed his butt, but I did not feed his demented ego by trying to make him understand the damage he's inflicting on himself and us) Baby steps- but still steps indeed. I am working on the honing my job skills and know that eventually I will at least be able to supplement what he will have to pay in alimony and child support once some of our debt is clear and I can get him booted. I know how cold I must sound to many of you but believe me I need to be cold because I don't want to melt anymore. I hope that once I get over my little self-pity party I will be able to offer many of you reading this post some encouragment and inspirational support also. In the meantime though I am sending out sweet vibes to you lovely people xoxo

best

What is disease? Dis=un/not ease=smooth/gentle/soft

When our life becomes rough/tough/ragged the disease does become our disease also.
Your outing with your son is one way of healing. Your keeping quiet and not allowing his issues to affect your life is another excellent way of finding healing from the disease.
We have choices...we can be pulled in to the issues of others or we can set our own path for healing. It isn't a matter of learning to love...it is a matter of finding out how to live among a world filled will illness and disease. Finding the path that keeps us healthy.

Wonderful job of taking your time and using it as you did. Time for you, time for healing, and time well spent as you enjoy what you like.

take2

Welcome SoftAsylum! I can relate to your story- even down to the Doors Lyrics! The Doors music bonded me and my AH. I think he thought he was like Jim- used to go to bed with a fifth of Jim Beam. Thought he was cool! Well 10 years later we are separated and in the process of the divorce. We also have 2 young kids under 4.

I just wanted to respond to your comment that this is "his" problem. I VERY much felt this way. To this day I'd love to blame him for all of the problems- which is easy to do. I guess that we all DO play a role in the chaos. Obviously we are not the ones drinking and hurting others but we react to the drinking. This reaction is OUR problem. The nagging, the fighting, the begging for it ot stop. However we react- that is our problem. At that moment we chose to become part of the problem.

I can't say I go to Alanon- I use the child excuse- can'f get someone to watch them. But I do read a lot of the literature from alanon and it has really helped me. The 1 pamphlet that really woke me up was called soemthing like "The Merry-go-round named denial". It talks about the cycle- the drinking- how we react- how they are so sorry and we forgive- then they drink again. It never ends until we get off the ride!

Also look at the sticky posts at the top of this site- there is one that discusses the different roles we play with the A. I found that I fought my A every step of the way. I tried to control his EVERY move. And when he slipped I was there to remind him. I fought with all my strength to get him to stop drinking. Used the line "you should stop for me or at least for the kids". What a waste of my breath!!!

What I am trying to say that reading about alanon doesn't hurt- afterall- take what you want and leave the rest. For me it was enough to get my head on straight and do what I felt was best for me and the kids!

softasylum

Hi again yes you are all right I will definitely start reading some alanon literature.I do realize that my reactions all of these years have become part of the whole twisted waltz also.. Lots of luck to you on the road ahead take2--are the 2 your children? I will continue to try this new way of dealing but I do need some suggestions for what I can do whilst my husband is stumbing around or spouting hatred and stupidity while my son is present. I can't always remove him from the house--we've gone for many little car rides in an effort to ride out the storm-- but realistically this isn't always possible ie., evening, school nights, holidays,family gatherings,cold weather is up ahead and sometimes I just need to get my beanzie to the shower or to bed so is there anything I can do short of knocking him out that I can say to get him to please just shut up or keep to himself till I can take care of the kid without provoking the situation and making matters worse by getting so upset?

take2

Hey SA- yes, I have 2 kids- 2 and 4 y/o. If you look at some of my posts you will see that I am trying my best to protect them from his craziness. I was so involved in trying to control his drinking that it made my kids see me as a bad guy. My 4 y/o would say to me- maybe if you didn't yell at daddy he would get up off the couch. I realized I was the monster in my children's eyes. My 4 y/o watched her drunk daddy drop her 2 y.o brother onto concrete, fall on top of him, scream at mommy he was going to kill her as he got up and threw up all over himself. That was my last straw. My kids will NEVER be around his craziness again!!

I know you are in a hard place b/c of $ but do your best to find out about your options. As many people will say here...Nothing changes if nothing changes!!!