Savana 54

I know what I did was wrong. I always knew xabf's email password. I used to sometimes check up on him, by checking his email...I know sick Codie behaviour!! Well, tonight I just thought I would check to see if his password still worked and it did. I know, that is so wrong of me to do. But my curiosty got the best of me, as did my sick, Codie thinking.

Well, I'm wishing I didn't check it. I'm shocked, appalled, and just morbidly grossed out by what I found. Tons of porn that he paid for, also he signed up for a swingers membership to basically have sex with anyone that is willing. I just wonder how long this has been going on, as when we were together he worked back east, were he is now, and I always found girl's phone numbers in his pockets and address book when he would come home.I had wondered back then if he was cheating on me, and now I'm thinking my suspicions may have been true.

This just makes me sick to my stomach; I feel like maybe I never really knew him, and to know that maybe he never cared enough about me to decide to live that sort of lifestyle, possibly even when we were together. I know that it's none of my business today, but by finding this, it answers a lot of questions I have had when we were together about some of his behaviours and things that probably aren't appropriate to discuss here.

I'm so hurt....maybe this is my punishment for snooping...

How could I have trusted him so much?

FaithChaser

Savana,

Don't you think that sometimes we trust because we are trustworthy? Tend to think everyone is like us or give the benefit of the doubt easily. I'm always one to believe until I'm shown wrong, and then I doubt myself! Grrrrrrr...

Anyway, quit beating yourself up, maybe you just needed that one little last stab to make you want to move forward. I'm guessing that you probably knew you wouldn't find anything constructive in that e-mail.

Hang in there, chin up!
Hugs,
~FaithChaser

Savana 54

I'm just crushed, I don't know why. It just hurts I guess that he is moving on in that way, and basically with just anyone that he can find via an adult website. He truly is sicker then I had thought. Lots of addicitons going on, besides the booze.

FaithChaser

Okay, was not gonna bring this up but... I did the same thing, well, kinda decided to look in ah's laptop to see what was in there. EWWWW did I find some appaling things in that computer! (this is the same computer bag I found the pint of vodka in btw). Anyway, all it did was affirm the fact that I'm married to one sick pup. Anyway, I told myself that it was okay for me to snoop, he'd had spyware on me for years to see everything I type on our computer, all because I was playing a reality based game online. He hated me talking to other men and really if the marriage was healthy, I tell myself I wouldn't have, it was a wonderful escape for me to hide in. Anyway, my snooping caused me again to focus on him rather than myself, how sick he is, how disgusting he is. He later told me that the things on the computer were there by accident some bug or whatever. Really the truth doesn't even matter, I already know he's sick. I also know I am and anything that takes me away from working on my sickness (codey behaviors) is just another way to not look at me. Now, just last week I'm still digging for stuff to "get" on him. And having been a cleaning lady I know darn well that if any of my customers start trying to find dirt I missed they are going to find it!!!! So, I decided to stop looking for his dirt, and start looking for my own.

Yes it turns the stomach to find the perversions, the waste of someone we care about or even love. We can't control it.

even Christ himself said, (Matt 3:5-7) "And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?

Hope your tummy feels better soon, you take care of you!!!!!!

Hugs,
~FaithChaser

minnie

Oh, Savana! I'm not going to rap your knuckles - that would be hypocritical as I did the same just before I moved in March. I didn't find porn, but I did find that he had at least 2 women who he was playing off against each other whilst still trying to get back with me - in fact was harrassing me. So I know how it feels. And how sick you feel. Do you remember my post of a few weeks ago - ex's new fiancee found the same sort of stuff you found, so there's another one hurt by this kind of behaviour.

Guess what? I think finding out was the start of some really good healing. I saw his true colours, not those he chose to show me. I'm not sure it is possible to really know an alcoholic. There's no sense of cards on the table, accept me warts and all. Most alcoholics I have known actually hate who they are, so why would they show us?

I hope you can get the closure you need now. I know finding this stuff helped me, painful though it was at the time. PM me if you need to.

whiston

I strongly advice you to do what I did. I knew my ex's password too and snooped regularly when we first split up. However, after a couple of months I realised that if I was going to recover I had to stop it. The only way I could do that was if I didn't know his password. So I wrote down numbers and letters that I knew I would never remember. I logged on to his email and I changed his password using those numbers, then I threw the piece of paper away that I had written them down on. Do it so that you will never be tempted again and get on with your life. You will recover faster. They can always get a new password when they realise the old one isn't working for 'some reason'.

Savana 54

Minnie, Faith and whiston..You all have given me some great feedback and input! Thank you!!!!

Ok I must admit, I'm not helping myself at all by doing this. I'm just as sick, well maybe not as sick as him though.

whiston-that is a great idea, because my snoopiness and curiousity get the best of me every freaking time! Although, I know usually all his passwords..I even went as far as when he tried to change it, I knew his challenge question, so I changed it back so I could snoop some more.

If I change it for good, he will know for sure that it was me.....

minnie

I know what that's like - I still have occasional weak moments and actually try and access his ***** account. Luckily, I can't figure out his new password, so it brings me to my senses every time. Not only that, but I am shocked that I still have the "need" to get my nose in his business, even after all the recovery I have under my belt. What he does is his business and I have no right to judge him. I may find his behaviour distasteful, however that doesn't give me carte blanche to snoop around his personal stuff.

Pick-a-name

Haha......I have said that before, myself!

Well; at least you are doing something to get yourself better! Take care!

Pick-a-name

Yes: not "right" but natural.....esp. after you start to figure out that you are hearing story upon story with truth peppered-in...........after awhile I really start to doubt even things I KNOW are true. The truth does have a way of getting out:eventually......maybe that is what happened.

dreamygirl

Hi ya -

Admitted snooper here as well. I did it because my fiance at the time was acting peculiar - and it turned out my suspicions were right! He was emailing with a woman he had a one night stand with years ago - and their discussions were highly inappropriate for an engaged man! Not to mention I found emails from him to her before we were engaged that complained about me - and said he was tempted to break up with me and wish he could, if it meant he would not hurt anyone!

Then once we were engaged, they continued. He spoke about how hard a relationship can be - and she asked when he would be coming down her way - because his Mom and she live in the same state!

I confronted him - anyone who knows me felt I was right to do what I did. This was a few years ago and he was acting peculiar. As it turns out it was ALCOHOL causing his bizarre behavior but he always drank in secret - so I did not know he was drinking! He had excuses for his 'penpal' and placed a great deal of the blame on me saying I hacked into his computer, that it was illegal etc. He had given me his password months earlier - and then I discovered he had a private email address using the same password - to interact with her. It turns out I forgave him but i was forbidden to ever bring her up again. Currently I realize how unacceptable such an insistance is! If something bothers me, I should be able to talk about it!

Anyway - over the years I found dozens and dozens of ***** groups he signed up for - swingers groups (though I know he never cheated), teen model sites etc. And even last month I saw the sites he was still going on that contained teenage girls / clothed - a huge obsession he has. I DO believe that this is the alcohol that causes this, but it is still something I do not think I can ever accept.

Anyway - just wanted you to know you are not alone. I felt I had a reason to do what I did - it gave me further verification that I should not be a part of that kind of life. Secret internet email friends and the pasttime of getting off on teen models as well as porn - are not a part of a healthy marriage/relationship, in my opinion.

Dreamgirl

minnie

That's an awful lot of power you are giving alcohol. Funny, it sounds just like my ex when he minimises his responsibility in a situation.....

KATIE77

I have been there too. I was looking under the bed for bottles and found a brown envelope... should have known better than to look but you just do. There was porn inside and details of the dating agency he had been using along with a reciept for payment of his last meeting. The women he could choose "next" or "matches" as they were called were horrid. Many fat old haggered women of various nationalities. I felt sick. I too should have known better. I felt so hurt. What was wrong with me? who knows. It is his sick head.

Savana 54

I'm just so freaked out about this. To me he is a very, sick pervert! I mean by all means I'm not against certain things spicing up someones sex life, but this is taking it way to far.

What has me so freaked out is that I lived with this man for over two years, and to think I had no clue as to his sick, perverted ways??? He totally had me fooled, as I thought he was against one night stands and risky sexual behaviour, when he would make negative comments about his friends sleeping around.

I even read his profile that was in his email as to what he was looking for; and it basically said someone he can just have "fun" with while he is traveling on the road. I don't mean that kind of fun either. Makes me wonder if he has some sort of sexual addiction as well. Anyway it doesn't matter anymore...but I'm still left with these feelings of disguist for him and what he was doing when we were together.

Do you think a lot of this does have to do with alcohol? I just don't get it.

Thanks for everyone's input! I'm sorry that some of you have been hurt..

minnie

I have a theory (you don't say!!) that many alcoholics have a huge problem with emotional intimacy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this could be the root of the problem. After all, what better way to be able to achieve some kind of intimacy than to be off your head, whilst at the same time creating a barrier to any meaningful connection with another human being. Sex = intimacy. No sex = rejection. Any sex = acceptance.

And, as I have posted before, many alcoholics become sociopathic as their "disease" progresses. Google sociopaths or anti social personality disorder and I can bet that many of you will recognise many traits that your (ex) partners share.

Usual caveat applies - I am generalising based on the majority of alcoholics with whom I have been in contact. There will always be exceptions and I am not tarring everyone with the same brush. I am simply sharing information that helped me extract myself from a nasty situation - one which I see echoed here on a daily basis.

Pick-a-name

I DO think it has to do with the alcohol............after all it distorts all the rest of the thinking; why not that. My a and I have been together 30 yrs......NEVER was he at all like he has been in the past 4 or so years (even in his single 20's)..........it completely blows my mind!

Savana 54

I think you hit the nail on the head minnie! I was thinking about this as well. Major intimacy problems, it seems. As why couldn't he just date, as opposed to finding sex with just about anyone? Like you said creating a barrier to any meaningful connection with another human being.

His Father and Uncle are the the same way. They have been A's for quite sometime, and their disease is probably in the middle to late stages. They too, cannot maintain or even find any type of relationship with a women. But they are sure willing and able to have a one night stand when they're plastered!

His Father is in his mid 50's and has dated maybe one women since xabf's mother and him divorced twenty years ago. Hmmmmmm......anyone see a pattern here??? Unless he gets help he will be going down that same road I think.

minnie

I've got another caveat coming on - I actually think that a large proportion of the population has a problem with intimacy. I am no stranger to fearing being vulnerable in a relationship. And what better way for me to avoid true emotional intimacy? Get involved with an alcoholic!!

sunshinebluesky

what haunts me about mine is whether he still continues with the porn,and its hard to even say.......masturbation.....now that he has his new woman who lives with him. i did ask him one time if his so called "hot" ex,ever caught him,and he said yes,and she said it was disgusting,and just went on with whatever she was doing. and snoop--you are damn right i will again,as i will not be with a man that needs this crap in their life. the only difference with mine was he didnt(as far as i know) cheat,or do any of the singles etc sites. i really dont believe he did...but the porn and addiction to himself,were bad enough. the only good thing about it was he never bugged me for sex,got pushy about it--took me awhile to figure out why. i think id rather be bugged!!

nanad

Great post girls!. I beleave that with one addiction comes others. I'm learning so much. Thanks to all of you.

I also checked up on my ah he has a gambling and financial problem. OHH HELP! Its like they just keep getting deeper in darkness. We however can keep going to the light. They may follow but its ok with me is he does not because I have the lord on my side and my children.

Sex is a bit problem with a lot of a. I'm glad my husband does not really know much about the internet or computers. I could never see him a chat room or message board it is to much trouble for him.

Not me I have all of you!!

hugs
nanad