Codependency
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Codependency
This is interesting. I found it on a website.
The definition of codependency:
"As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship."
How Do I know if I'm codependent?
"What are some of the symptoms?
controlling behavior
distrust
perfectionism
avoidance of feelings
intimacy problems
caretaking behavior
hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
physical illness related to stress "
How is codependency evolve? What causes it?
"It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
It’s not okay to talk about problems
Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
Be strong, good, right, perfect
Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
Don’t be selfish
Do as I say not as I do
It’s not okay to play or be playful
Don’t rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life"
I got this off of allaboutcounseling.com
It makes alot of sense cuz I can relate to alot of the things pointed out especially how I was raised as a child. They pretty much all fit for me.
BUT, Melody Beattie, in her book "Choices", points out that "there's magic in service. There's magic in a group. If we want to get it for ourselves, we need to give it away". That life is better when it's shared and that includes our problems. That's the backbone of AA and Al anon...."holding the door open for others".
That we find courage, strength and inspiration that we can't find by ourselves through others. THe reason why we're helping others is (as she quotes a man in the book saying...) "I'm not doing it to save their lives, I'm doing it to save mine. When I help them, I hear myself telling them what I need to do myself".
I still love helping others and probably always will. There is therapy in that. Look at how people have come together to help the flood victims,......that's warming to the heart. That's the basis of life is to live it through love, IMO.
But, HOW we do it....is the key. Is it giving just simply to give? or is it more toxic than that and codependant? That's something that I'll need to keep my focus on in every relationship I have from now on.
The definition of codependency:
"As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship."
How Do I know if I'm codependent?
"What are some of the symptoms?
controlling behavior
distrust
perfectionism
avoidance of feelings
intimacy problems
caretaking behavior
hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
physical illness related to stress "
How is codependency evolve? What causes it?
"It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
It’s not okay to talk about problems
Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
Be strong, good, right, perfect
Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
Don’t be selfish
Do as I say not as I do
It’s not okay to play or be playful
Don’t rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life"
I got this off of allaboutcounseling.com
It makes alot of sense cuz I can relate to alot of the things pointed out especially how I was raised as a child. They pretty much all fit for me.
BUT, Melody Beattie, in her book "Choices", points out that "there's magic in service. There's magic in a group. If we want to get it for ourselves, we need to give it away". That life is better when it's shared and that includes our problems. That's the backbone of AA and Al anon...."holding the door open for others".
That we find courage, strength and inspiration that we can't find by ourselves through others. THe reason why we're helping others is (as she quotes a man in the book saying...) "I'm not doing it to save their lives, I'm doing it to save mine. When I help them, I hear myself telling them what I need to do myself".
I still love helping others and probably always will. There is therapy in that. Look at how people have come together to help the flood victims,......that's warming to the heart. That's the basis of life is to live it through love, IMO.
But, HOW we do it....is the key. Is it giving just simply to give? or is it more toxic than that and codependant? That's something that I'll need to keep my focus on in every relationship I have from now on.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I see many of the co-dependent behaviors listed in myself (but not all of them apply). But interestingly enough, none of the family rules listed apply to my family or my childhood.
In fact, there is no history of alcoholism, drug abuse, or mental illness in my family. But plenty of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and a long line of problems with over-eating. Over-eating is an addiction, so I wonder if the roots of my codependency lie there. Anybody have any thoughts about that?
In fact, there is no history of alcoholism, drug abuse, or mental illness in my family. But plenty of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and a long line of problems with over-eating. Over-eating is an addiction, so I wonder if the roots of my codependency lie there. Anybody have any thoughts about that?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southwest
Posts: 20
My family didn't have any of the symptoms listed there either, but of course the list can't be exhaustive. I can think of many dynamics in my growing up that could have led to my being co-dependant. My mother was/ and continues to be codependant. My father was not emotionally available or around all that often.
The descriptions really hit home though because most of them describe my relationships. Emotionally unavailable people have always appealed to me... the fixer uppers. It's good to have a reminder like this to help us examine ourselves from different perspectives.
The descriptions really hit home though because most of them describe my relationships. Emotionally unavailable people have always appealed to me... the fixer uppers. It's good to have a reminder like this to help us examine ourselves from different perspectives.
caughtup
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Western part of NY
Posts: 31
I didn't think I was codependant until I read that, because I never had to deal with an alcoholic or drug addict before, but I do fit most of those behaviors. Guess I'll have to give that some thought, thanks for sharing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Yeah, it hits home, for sure. But, that's a good thing cuz then we can recognize that and not run from it and know what areas to work on and address.
My parents/family didn't have alcoholism in it or mental illness, but some secrets were there. I didn't find out alot about my family's background until I was "old enough to understand" and even then, I wondered why the heck they were kept a secret. My parents were brought up in homes where "children were to be seen and not heard". And, so in my house, we didn't even talk about sex cuz it was "dirty" even if it was between husband and wife. I wasn't allowed to wear perfume, makeup, get my ears pierced, wear nylons or the color black until I was 16.
At age 16, I left home and got married to an abusive husband for 8 years. Just went from one emotionally distant, very rigid upbringing to another very controlled environment.
Abusive men/women usually come on very strongly at first. They'll call you, send you gifts and wanna be around you all the time. They're very charming and manipulative. So, it's easy for us codies to really LIKE that attention cuz we didn't get it before. BUT, that's how the abusers/addicts hook us in. They know and see our vulnerability and try to let us know that life with them will be SO much better.
It isn't. Goes downhill from there. It's a cycle on why we pick the people we pick and why they pick us. Now, I'm completely staying away from the men that come on too fast, too much. I used to get "bored" with the guys that were slow and not so "passionate" like the "bad boys" . I LOVED bad boys and the edge they always had. That was exciting to me cuz that's all I knew.
I still like a little bit of adventure and excitement, but I don't find that through men, I'll ride my HOG or go race my GoKart
AND, there are alot of passionate people out there that aren't abusive or addicts. I'm liking the "less is more" kinda thing with male companions. It's safer and ALOT less drama. More normality in it. I can deal with that alot better now.
My parents/family didn't have alcoholism in it or mental illness, but some secrets were there. I didn't find out alot about my family's background until I was "old enough to understand" and even then, I wondered why the heck they were kept a secret. My parents were brought up in homes where "children were to be seen and not heard". And, so in my house, we didn't even talk about sex cuz it was "dirty" even if it was between husband and wife. I wasn't allowed to wear perfume, makeup, get my ears pierced, wear nylons or the color black until I was 16.
At age 16, I left home and got married to an abusive husband for 8 years. Just went from one emotionally distant, very rigid upbringing to another very controlled environment.
Abusive men/women usually come on very strongly at first. They'll call you, send you gifts and wanna be around you all the time. They're very charming and manipulative. So, it's easy for us codies to really LIKE that attention cuz we didn't get it before. BUT, that's how the abusers/addicts hook us in. They know and see our vulnerability and try to let us know that life with them will be SO much better.
It isn't. Goes downhill from there. It's a cycle on why we pick the people we pick and why they pick us. Now, I'm completely staying away from the men that come on too fast, too much. I used to get "bored" with the guys that were slow and not so "passionate" like the "bad boys" . I LOVED bad boys and the edge they always had. That was exciting to me cuz that's all I knew.
I still like a little bit of adventure and excitement, but I don't find that through men, I'll ride my HOG or go race my GoKart
AND, there are alot of passionate people out there that aren't abusive or addicts. I'm liking the "less is more" kinda thing with male companions. It's safer and ALOT less drama. More normality in it. I can deal with that alot better now.
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