harleygirl92156

He Refuses To Talk About His Infidelity. Just Admits That He Did It, But Refuses When, How Many, Anything. I Have Been Tested And Am Ok. I Attend Al Anon. He Has Been Sober 9 Months. Was Told In Treatment By His Counselor That He Has No Obligation To Tell Me Anything, Said He Didn't Even Have To Inform Me He Cheated If He Didn't Want To.

What I Don't Understand Is.....i Am Told To Work Through It, Let It Go, Forget It And Grow, Live For Today, All The Slogans. Well I Can Do All That, Or At Least Pretend To. I Can Act Like Nothing Is Wrong, Like Our Marriage Is Good, I Can Live For Today, I Can Try And Let It Go, I Can Act Happy. Fact Is, Even If I Do All That, It Is Still There, The Fear, The Anger, The Resentment, The Pain, Still There, Just Put Away. I Can Go On, And Make Him And Probably Myself Believe Everything Is Fine And We Have Moved On. Truth Is, It Is There Now And It Will Be There 100 Years From Now. I Will Hear A Song, See A Scene In A Movie, Listen To A Friend Cry On My Shoulder Because Her Husband Cheated And She Needs Advice And It Will Be There, Always.

Why Is He Willing, For His Own Good To Just "act" Like Everything Is Ok. It Will Make His Life Better If I Do That, But Not Mine.

He Doesn't Understand That It Isn't The Cheating, It Is The Lies, The Lies During, The Lies After And The Lies Today.

Why Can't They See The Huge Pregnant Elephant In The Room, In The Car, In The Bed Between Us. He Just Walks Around It And Talks Like It Isn't There. But It Is There, It Is Bright Rainbow Colors And It Is Screaming To Be Seen, But He Just Acts Like It Isn't There. It Is Driving Me Crazy. I Want The Elephant Gone, But He Won't Help Me Move It To The Zoo Where It Belongs.

Divorce Papers Are Ready, But I Am Not Sure I Am. Sad.

Anyone Know How To Remove An Elephant From Your Relationship.

Disclaimer: If You Are Sick Of Hearing Me Talk About This, Don't Read My Posts. I Talk About It To Help Myself. I Rant, I Rave, I Just Talk. I Listen And Use The Constructive Advice I Get On Here. It Helps Me A Lot To Get Many Opinions, But If You Just Have Something Mean To Say, Please Keep It To Yourself.

cwohio

puke it out harley til you can't puke any more!

FriendofBill

Let go of it's tail?

splendra

I am wondering if you have ever just sat with your anger and just felt it not express it but, just feel it feel the sensation in your body meditate on it so you can process it and intergrate it. I know what you are going thru I really do I know you hurt like hell. I had to just feel it and feel what was going on in my body when I felt the anger and betrayal and slowly it got better.

I also particapated in a thread here where a woman who identfied herself as the OW in a love triangle and got some good insight there and I realized she was human just like me and you and, a child of God just like you and me. I found that I did not want to tear her down or deal her a guilt card I just wanted to feel compassion for her and give her hope that she could go on and it was healing for me to see the situation like this insead of trying to blame and resent I realized I needed to give myself some compassion too and stop being angry cause I stayed...

Live

Glad to see you back, telling it rigoursly honestly and putting up valid boundaries!

Y'know, he may prefer to sweep it all under the rug, but that never solved anything.

It takes two to work on healing the marriage and it isn't all up to you!!!!

What you are supposed to go in denial?

hugs,
live

StandingStrong

I am not familiar with your story so please forgive me if my post is out of line here, okay?
Coming from someone that has experienced infidelity from both sides of the fence, I can tell you that it is often very hard to talk about what has happened - just as it's often hard to hear about it.
From the standpoint of someone who has committed this act and are truly ashamed and embarrassed by what they have done - the guilt can be overwhelming. The shame is horrible. And the last thing you want to do is tell the person you love or are involved with what you have done. If it's something a person truly regrets and views as a horrible mistake, they don't want to dwell on it. They don't want to think about it. And they surely don't want to talk about it. So they go on with their life acting as though it never happened - just like they wish it hadn't.
However - know that I understand your pain. I also understand your need to discuss this. But ask yourself what it is that you are trying to gain. Are you wanting the details? Or are you just wanting to know why it happened, how it happened, etc? Sometimes we feel the need to know the details - but honestly it only makes it worse sometimes to know the graphics. It will give you horrible visuals. However, the not knowing is bad because it allows your imagination to just run crazy. Believe me, I know how you feel. But you have to ask yourself what it is that you are truly trying to gain. What I wanted the most was for it to not have happened - unfortunately, no one can change the past.
My biggest concern in what I have read in your post is that he's not talking to you at all other than to admit that it happened. I understand that you need to have some answers. But as it is now, you have to ask yourself what it is you're willing to accept. If you cannot deal with that elephant and he won't get rid of it - it's time to let it outside. Either way - this is a painful time for you and that's to be understood. You're greiving, your hurting, and feeling a lot of raw emotion.
I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts as I know you are truly suffering. I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain.

minnie

You can't make HIM see the elephant. The fact that YOU see it is the important thing.

Gabe

Harley, you can't make him acknowledge this or talk about it.
You obviously feel the need to do both.
This is the only thing I can think to suggest.
It might help, it might not.
Give it a shot, what have you got to lose.
It's called "Empty Chair Therapy".
Put an empty chair in the middle of the room.
Imagine he's in it.
Now...tell him everything you've been carrying around on the inside.
Talk, cry, yell, rant, rave...whatever you need to do.
You won't get the feedback from him that you may be wanting, but you will certainly get your end of this verbalized.
If the empty chair thing doesn't feel right, write it all down.
Take your time, do it over a few days.
If you get all your stuff out, and it still feels like there is a giant wall between you two, maybe it is time to move on.
You need to live a happy life where you feel comfortable and where you can thrive, not just survive.

Dan

How To Remove An Elephant From Your Relationship.

Become a hungry lioness.
Preferably one with an attitude.

harleygirl92156

That part is already taken care of. Thanks!

I can't get angry. If I get angry and tell him how I feel, talk, yell, rant, rave, scream, he just gets angry, and yells me down, talks over top of me and doesn't stop until I shut up.

I told him last night "if" I stay in the relationship, it will never be the same. I told him there is no need for me to talk to him about his anymore, he knows what is wrong and he knows what he needs to do to change that. That is it, it will be what it will be, ELEPHANT and all.

This coming weekend we "celebrate" our wedding anniversary. He says he has a surprise day planned. I told him I really don't feel like "celebrating" this anniversary. Do I go along with his plans, he has never done anything for our anniversary so it is a big deal, or should I follow my heart and chose not to celebrate?

minnie

Just out of interest, what does he need to do?

harleygirl92156

Tell me the truth. He has admitted that he is keeping secrets from me about other woman, but refuses to tell me anymore. We live in a small town so I feel like a fool. The whole town is talking and they know the truth, some tell me what they know, but he refuses to listen to what I have been told or discuss it with me.
I could be standing in the grocery store chatting with one of these women and I wouldn't even know it. That makes me look like a FOOL. He agrees, but says I will just have to deal with that.

harleygirl92156

I was in denial when he was cheating on me. I realize that and I guess I am angry at myself also for being so stupid. I knew he was cheating on me. My heart told me often, but my head convinced myself that I was just being jealous. I an no longer in denial, but I believe he is. He believes if I don't know the truth I won't be hurt anymore. What he doesn't realize is that not knowing the truth hurts me much more. If he could just be honest I would have something to work with. As it stands, we will seperate and live our own lives or we will stay together and live our own lives.
How dare he think he knows what I need better than I do.

minnie

I understand that, hon. I may not agree that it'll make you feel any better, but I can understand why you might think that.

What I don't understand is how waiting for him to tell you the truth helping you? If this is what you need to move on in your marriage and he will not do it, where does that leave you?

One thing you didn't mention in your list of Al-anon slogans was the Serenity Prayer. Knowing what is in my power to change and what is not has helped me enormously.

harleygirl92156

I understand I can not change his decision not to discuss this. I also understand that I stay because I feel I have suffered enough already and I should not have to lose my life, mostly my financial life. I do work full time, but I would have to struggle financially. He would be much better off than me as he tells me if I decide to end the marriage he will not make it easy for me. He says he will fight me every step of the way. Right now I chose to stay because mentally and financially it is best for me. I am not mentally ready for the fight that will come if I end the marriage. I am getting a little, very little, but a little stronger everyday. When I have my finances in order, something I am working on and my mental state is better, I am in counseling, I will most likely end this mess.
I have wore the serenity prayer out. I say it constantly. I as my higher power to guide me through it.
The other night I was in the hot tub relaxing. I looked up at the stars and they were beautiful. I usually say my prayers right before I fall asleep, but I thought to myself, this is the best place to pray tonight, how could I not feel close to God looking at his beautiful home. I prayed my prayers, opened my eyes to meditate a little on my prayers and within 30 seconds there were two huge shooting stars (goosebumps). I know it was God's way of letting me know he heard my prayers, but it still gave me no answer. I guess I have to wait for the answers to come, but knowing he heard me gave me some peace.

undrunken

Maybe a marriage counselor would be the way to go. You are in a battle of wills right now and the nuclear option appears to be on the table. The presence and facilitation of the third person would keep things on track. This should result in the right thing being done whether or not it is comfortable for one or both of you. I cannot think of another rational next step given your description of things. The cost would surely be less than the long-term cost of guesswork on such a problem.

minnie

HG, there is nothing wrong with staying whilst you get your financial plan in place. But to continually demand that hubby spills all the beans at this present moment in time doesn't seem to be mentally healthy for you.

What are your options here?

Cap3

Hi HG,when ever im in great pain/anguish,i share,and i pray and go to God asking for Him to give me peace.All of my,problems/issues have always had spiritual solutions.Always.I can not fake anything for this to will keep me into my own sickness.When i first came to recovery programs i personally needed, to talk,talk,talk.Because for many years i kept quiet,and did a slow,painful buring inside of myself,for many years,of my pain/heartaches.So i needed to talk all this out.Say it like i felt it.And believe me,it was not pretty,or dressed up to suit the person who was gracious enough to let me talk.God bless her for listening.To say it all like i was feeling it all.Then it was all out.I was then clear to listen,learn,and be teachable.I became willing to go to any all lenghts,for soberiety/serenity.My goal,,,,i wanted to be able to go through the sorrows of life,and not destroy myself in the process,like i had be doing to myself.Peace within the storms.Step 2.Came to believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.Giving my will,my very life over to a power much greater than myself.I had been in programs for 10 years before my hub,came to programs.I,was not waiting for him to get well,or to work on our marriage,give me reasons why he did this/that.I was no longer checking to see what he does or doesnt do.Because it didnt matter.I was the one in pain.,and suffereing.I needed to take action.I need my own recovery,no matter.As im starting to change,spiritually,my whole outlook changes/and my inners change too.Looking back,im realizing that neither of us had worked on our marriage,lol,and today we are joyous in our marriage,,And in letting go and letting God,things have worked out better than i had ever prayed for or even hoped for.I let go of all the "shoulds" and let God,direct my life.
Pray/meditate,settle your mind and heart.
My prayers for your peace within,
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!!

harleygirl92156

I have stopped demanding hubby spill all the beans, it does not good and is not something I have control over. I don't want to talk about it, but he does make remarks about it and that sometimes gets me going. I guess I need to work on that. I know none of this is mentally healthy for me so I have to get in a place that is while I am working on my finances. I will work on that, it will be hard, I am not perfect, but I will try, that is all I can do. Try hard!

harleygirl92156

We are in marriage counseling, have been for 3 months. He normally walks out. I have made the next appointment for myself without his involvement. This is so I can talk to him about how to handle situations and myself. I am doing this for myself. I doubt he will go back to counseling, but if he does it will be by himself for the time being. I just don't think we do well together because we both hold back what we are really feeling.