Questions-about MY drinking and more
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southwest
Posts: 20
Questions-about MY drinking and more
Well, it's been a little while since I posted but I think I have some questions, and comments.
My AH and I seperated for several days after I found him with pot about a week and a half ago. He has moved back in now but I am not sure what I feel or think about it. He is drinking... not a ton but he is drinking. We came to an agreement that if he just would stop sneaking he could stay here with me. so he hasn't been sneaking, that I know of... We have kept our finances seperate so he isn't using my money for this.
I am just not sure what to do... I am trying to stay busy doing things for me... I have been going to AlAnon, therapy every other week, I am starting yoga tomorrow night and am doing a Centering Prayer group on thursday evenings. I have actually gotten him to go to a small group on Wednesday evenings with me that is affiliated with my Church. I am trying to give him space (this is a struggle for me b/c he has lied to me so incredibly much) but am succeeding for the time being.
I guess I just don't know what else I should be doing. He needs to be in therapy, and he isn't taking his meds regularly at all (antidepressants) but know that if I lecture he is just going to get angry and resentful. He is actually doing much better now than he was (only a few months ago my family caught him stealing my sisters pain medication-she is very sick and takes morphine etc....). So there has been some improvement... but I just want him to hit bottom. Horrible as that seems.
should I just continue the way I have been, minding my own business, trying to stay involved with his life w/o overwhelming it? No pressure about telling him what to do? Should I keep on him about making sure our joint bills are paid??? We now have seperate accounts and I need him to pay me for things like rent/insurance/phone... He is really hassling me about this in particular.
One last question... I do drink occassionally (maybe a couple of glasses of wine once or twice a week). This seems to encourage him to drink even more. I don't feel as though I should have to stop drinking (it is my treat to myself while I clean or do yardwork) b/c he is the one with the problem, but at the same time I feel as though maybe I should stop for the time being b/c it just seems to make him drink more. When he started drinking again he indicated that he shouldn't have to watch me drink if he wasn't able to.
Any thoughts on any of my questions?
My AH and I seperated for several days after I found him with pot about a week and a half ago. He has moved back in now but I am not sure what I feel or think about it. He is drinking... not a ton but he is drinking. We came to an agreement that if he just would stop sneaking he could stay here with me. so he hasn't been sneaking, that I know of... We have kept our finances seperate so he isn't using my money for this.
I am just not sure what to do... I am trying to stay busy doing things for me... I have been going to AlAnon, therapy every other week, I am starting yoga tomorrow night and am doing a Centering Prayer group on thursday evenings. I have actually gotten him to go to a small group on Wednesday evenings with me that is affiliated with my Church. I am trying to give him space (this is a struggle for me b/c he has lied to me so incredibly much) but am succeeding for the time being.
I guess I just don't know what else I should be doing. He needs to be in therapy, and he isn't taking his meds regularly at all (antidepressants) but know that if I lecture he is just going to get angry and resentful. He is actually doing much better now than he was (only a few months ago my family caught him stealing my sisters pain medication-she is very sick and takes morphine etc....). So there has been some improvement... but I just want him to hit bottom. Horrible as that seems.
should I just continue the way I have been, minding my own business, trying to stay involved with his life w/o overwhelming it? No pressure about telling him what to do? Should I keep on him about making sure our joint bills are paid??? We now have seperate accounts and I need him to pay me for things like rent/insurance/phone... He is really hassling me about this in particular.
One last question... I do drink occassionally (maybe a couple of glasses of wine once or twice a week). This seems to encourage him to drink even more. I don't feel as though I should have to stop drinking (it is my treat to myself while I clean or do yardwork) b/c he is the one with the problem, but at the same time I feel as though maybe I should stop for the time being b/c it just seems to make him drink more. When he started drinking again he indicated that he shouldn't have to watch me drink if he wasn't able to.
Any thoughts on any of my questions?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
I'm just lost here.
Let's try this:
Your best friend says she's married to "Mr. Newlywed". Here's what she tells you about him:
She left him when she discovered he was a liar but took him back.
He drinks too much.
He's a thief, he has taken pain meds from her relative who is very ill.
He is supposed to take medication but does not.
He doesn't want to pay his half of their shared bills.
What would YOUR advice be?
Let's try this:
Your best friend says she's married to "Mr. Newlywed". Here's what she tells you about him:
She left him when she discovered he was a liar but took him back.
He drinks too much.
He's a thief, he has taken pain meds from her relative who is very ill.
He is supposed to take medication but does not.
He doesn't want to pay his half of their shared bills.
What would YOUR advice be?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
(((gabriellepearl)))
I know you are, and I don't mean to be fussing at you. Sometimes it just helps to back up and look at a situation from a different perspective. Sort of a forrest vs trees thing.
About your drinking question. If your AH were trying to be alcohol free and working a program of some sort, I would refrain from drinking in front of him...just out of thoughtfulness. Just as if a friend were wearing a patch and attempting to quit smoking, I certainly would not smoke in front of them.
However, since your AH is drinking if you want a glass of wine, I say, have a glass of wine.
I also think you're taking the right steps...Al-anon, counseling, church support...all really good things. I was just, as I said, attempting to get you to look at your marriage the way those who love you may look at it.
We are here to share...sometimes I may sound harsh and not mean it that way--many of us have been there/done that and we share what we've learned in the hopes of our experiences being of use to others.
You know the drill...take what you want and leave the rest!
And it IS good to see you back!
I know you are, and I don't mean to be fussing at you. Sometimes it just helps to back up and look at a situation from a different perspective. Sort of a forrest vs trees thing.
About your drinking question. If your AH were trying to be alcohol free and working a program of some sort, I would refrain from drinking in front of him...just out of thoughtfulness. Just as if a friend were wearing a patch and attempting to quit smoking, I certainly would not smoke in front of them.
However, since your AH is drinking if you want a glass of wine, I say, have a glass of wine.
I also think you're taking the right steps...Al-anon, counseling, church support...all really good things. I was just, as I said, attempting to get you to look at your marriage the way those who love you may look at it.
We are here to share...sometimes I may sound harsh and not mean it that way--many of us have been there/done that and we share what we've learned in the hopes of our experiences being of use to others.
You know the drill...take what you want and leave the rest!
And it IS good to see you back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southwest
Posts: 20
I know what you meant... I guess that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed... but also a bit more positive.
My AH has lied to me over and over, but it is so hard for me to not still see the man I married, as opposed to the man he has become. He is not a bad person, he's just sick. I am not sure if he can overcome his sickness or not-but I want to give it time on my terms.
I don't believe in divorce, although it really has become an option to me more and more lately. I think what I am wanting to do is just do the BEST that I know how to do in terms of trying to fix things.
In order to feel that I did EVERYTHING that I could I want to spend some time working on myself, not nagging him, letting him slip and slide until he (hopefully) decides to get help. After I have done that for a while... worked on MY recovery, if things haven't changed with him then I think I will be more able to let go. I will know that I did all that I could, that I didn't give up, and that I can let it go at that. For my peace of mind I guess I need to prove that I gave it everything that I had.
Maybe it's a rationalization... but I really think its something I need to do before I am emotionally able to let it go.
My AH has lied to me over and over, but it is so hard for me to not still see the man I married, as opposed to the man he has become. He is not a bad person, he's just sick. I am not sure if he can overcome his sickness or not-but I want to give it time on my terms.
I don't believe in divorce, although it really has become an option to me more and more lately. I think what I am wanting to do is just do the BEST that I know how to do in terms of trying to fix things.
In order to feel that I did EVERYTHING that I could I want to spend some time working on myself, not nagging him, letting him slip and slide until he (hopefully) decides to get help. After I have done that for a while... worked on MY recovery, if things haven't changed with him then I think I will be more able to let go. I will know that I did all that I could, that I didn't give up, and that I can let it go at that. For my peace of mind I guess I need to prove that I gave it everything that I had.
Maybe it's a rationalization... but I really think its something I need to do before I am emotionally able to let it go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Hi gabriellepearl,
First off, please know that I say this with my heart and am not trying to say hurtful things......just trying to help ya, if I can, in anyway in your situation.
You want to know that you did everything that you could and that you didn't give up. I think everybody here can say that about their toxic relationships with A's. But, how low will you let him take you?
A's can and will, suck the life out of their loved ones. It's all about them. Drama, attention, problems.....all their's and it becomes our's when we let them pull us into it.
Drinking around your AH is not a good idea. It'll enable him to drink because..........if you ever get into this argument "I want you to stop drinking!" (you) "Well, YOU drink! Why can't I?" (him), it'll come back to you.
I'm a RA of 11 years and I had to make a whole new set of friends. Non-drinkers. Couldn't date men who drank. I can be around drinkers now because I'm strong in my sobriety and don't want a thing to do with alcohol. It makes me sick to my stomach. But, back then, I was weak and trying to get strong.
A's lie. Lies and alcohol go together. They'll look you in the eye and tell you a bald faced lie and not blink twice. It's amazing. I did it, too, only I told so many to different people that I forgot what I told to whom.
Please go to al-anon, get support from them. Read co-depency books and focus on you. Your AH may never get sober. Sorry for being so pessimistic, but it happens. Then what will your life be like? You could be 60 years old one day and realize that you've been married to an AH for 40 (an example) years and have put up with the lies and all that goes with alcoholism.
Will you be bitter then? Will you wish that you would of done the things that you wanted to do in life? To make a difference in this world in some way instead of caretaking/enabling a AH?
Don't let life pass you by. It's HIS choice to get sober and if he doesn't.....he doesn't. No one can control that but him. There are A's that get sober....I'm one of them. And, I pray that your AH will, too. But, if not.......run, don't walk to the nearest al anon support group, library and here. Read the stories of other's.
Keep posting!
((hugs))
First off, please know that I say this with my heart and am not trying to say hurtful things......just trying to help ya, if I can, in anyway in your situation.
You want to know that you did everything that you could and that you didn't give up. I think everybody here can say that about their toxic relationships with A's. But, how low will you let him take you?
A's can and will, suck the life out of their loved ones. It's all about them. Drama, attention, problems.....all their's and it becomes our's when we let them pull us into it.
Drinking around your AH is not a good idea. It'll enable him to drink because..........if you ever get into this argument "I want you to stop drinking!" (you) "Well, YOU drink! Why can't I?" (him), it'll come back to you.
I'm a RA of 11 years and I had to make a whole new set of friends. Non-drinkers. Couldn't date men who drank. I can be around drinkers now because I'm strong in my sobriety and don't want a thing to do with alcohol. It makes me sick to my stomach. But, back then, I was weak and trying to get strong.
A's lie. Lies and alcohol go together. They'll look you in the eye and tell you a bald faced lie and not blink twice. It's amazing. I did it, too, only I told so many to different people that I forgot what I told to whom.
Please go to al-anon, get support from them. Read co-depency books and focus on you. Your AH may never get sober. Sorry for being so pessimistic, but it happens. Then what will your life be like? You could be 60 years old one day and realize that you've been married to an AH for 40 (an example) years and have put up with the lies and all that goes with alcoholism.
Will you be bitter then? Will you wish that you would of done the things that you wanted to do in life? To make a difference in this world in some way instead of caretaking/enabling a AH?
Don't let life pass you by. It's HIS choice to get sober and if he doesn't.....he doesn't. No one can control that but him. There are A's that get sober....I'm one of them. And, I pray that your AH will, too. But, if not.......run, don't walk to the nearest al anon support group, library and here. Read the stories of other's.
Keep posting!
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hi gabriellpearl,way to go on seperating the man from his disease.Do you have a sponsor?What step are you on?Read and apply step one,as many times as you need to.Everytime you think he should,do this or that,remember step one.As your living in recovery program,let the program work inside of you,too.Sick folks will not behave as if well,until they get some form of recovery,help.Expecting sick folks to behave well,is where the problem lies.
You do what you know is best for you.Trust what you already know,at this time.Stay/go is not the issue.Its about recovery.Staying focused on your recovery,no matter what.If future changes need to be made.You will do what you know best then also,with,Continued relationship with God.Pray/meditate for guidence.No one knows God,s will for you.Ask Him in prayers.Folks told me to leave my hub also.Said he would never change.I changed,long before he did.This is what changed my life,is that i changed,and am changing everyday.My recovery has nothing to do with him,or what he does,or does not do.I waited,gave it all to God.As it turns out leaving was not my answer.2 what was considered hopeless,helpless drunks.today are happliy married,both in recovery,sober as of today.God is first and formost in our lives,today.Miracles happen.Letting folks influnce our decsions,and putting to much faith in other people can put a stop in miracles.So i say to you,please do what YOU know best at this time.Put all you faith in God.
My prayers are with you both,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!
You do what you know is best for you.Trust what you already know,at this time.Stay/go is not the issue.Its about recovery.Staying focused on your recovery,no matter what.If future changes need to be made.You will do what you know best then also,with,Continued relationship with God.Pray/meditate for guidence.No one knows God,s will for you.Ask Him in prayers.Folks told me to leave my hub also.Said he would never change.I changed,long before he did.This is what changed my life,is that i changed,and am changing everyday.My recovery has nothing to do with him,or what he does,or does not do.I waited,gave it all to God.As it turns out leaving was not my answer.2 what was considered hopeless,helpless drunks.today are happliy married,both in recovery,sober as of today.God is first and formost in our lives,today.Miracles happen.Letting folks influnce our decsions,and putting to much faith in other people can put a stop in miracles.So i say to you,please do what YOU know best at this time.Put all you faith in God.
My prayers are with you both,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Southwest
Posts: 20
I actually do not have a sponser yet. I have been to about five or six AlAnon meetings since we got married. About half of those in the past two weeks. I do intend to go more regularly and am sure that I will find a sponser then. I went to a meeting last night and it helped a lot.
I haven't started working the steps yet technically... although when I think about it I KNOW that I need to. I almost cried last night as they read them out loud.
As I said I am confused but things are getting better since I have let go of him a bit and stopped trying to control what he does. I really am trying to work on myself, and let go of my feelings of responsibility for his issues as well.
He is struggling financially right now (because of his irresponsibility) and I am having a hard time not bailing him out, so keep me in your thoughts right now. I know I can't help him (enable him) if I want him to get better. It's just very hard to do.
Thanks everyone for their kind words.
I haven't started working the steps yet technically... although when I think about it I KNOW that I need to. I almost cried last night as they read them out loud.
As I said I am confused but things are getting better since I have let go of him a bit and stopped trying to control what he does. I really am trying to work on myself, and let go of my feelings of responsibility for his issues as well.
He is struggling financially right now (because of his irresponsibility) and I am having a hard time not bailing him out, so keep me in your thoughts right now. I know I can't help him (enable him) if I want him to get better. It's just very hard to do.
Thanks everyone for their kind words.
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