new to recovery

Old 08-28-2005, 05:00 PM
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new to recovery

hi im not really sure where to start but i am new to the whole process of recovery. my husband has stopped drinking and is attending aa and has a sponser and everything is going really good so far so why am i not happy ? i should be but im not. i have always been with someone with an addiction problem and im not sure i know how not to be in a dysfuctional relationship
that sounds so screwed up but i wonder what is wrong with me why do i feel like i have to always be saving someone elses life.i try so hard to make everyone around me happy and its still never enough .i dont get it . my first marriage was to an abusive alcoholic my second marraige to a drug addict and now to an alcoholic.at least now hes getting help but a part of me feels very left out
if anyone out there knows what im dealing with please send me a message
thanks anaka
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Old 08-28-2005, 05:11 PM
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hey anaka

first off, it sounds like even though you are unhappy, you have done a good job of identifying the problem and are ready to face what's going on. good for you!

have you read "codependent no more" by melody beattie? if not, go right out and get it. if you've already read it, read it again! it's an amazing book. what you're going through is quite common and there are steps you can take to change things.

also, are you in any sort of counseling to deal with your own issues? this might be a good idea. that way you can separate your own problems from your husband's.
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Old 08-28-2005, 05:19 PM
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We were addicted to the drama and the chaos. Counseling would be very good.
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Old 08-28-2005, 08:49 PM
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thank you so much for your reply and i will read the book ill let you know
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Old 08-28-2005, 10:34 PM
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Welcome to SR, anaka...

Originally Posted by anaka
i have always been with someone with an addiction problem and im not sure i know how not to be in a dysfuctional relationship...

i try so hard to make everyone around me happy and its still never enough.
Once again, someone describes my pre-recovery life down to the letter!

What helped me most is Al-Anon. There, I was able to find the root causes that drove me to live in such an unhealthy way, and I heard from others the solutions they used to turn it around. Today for the most part, my relationships are healthy and I've retired from people-pleasing. My self-esteem has increased dramatically since I began my recovery!
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Old 08-28-2005, 10:35 PM
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Hi anaka,

Welcome to SR!! It's a great place to be with alot of people on here that know what they're talking about cuz they've been there, done that.

I've been a caretaker since I was in kindergarten. I was always befriending the "misfits" and trying to rescue them from the world.

Later on, I married an abusive man....after 8 insane years of 24/7/365 of verbal/physical abuse from age 16-24, I escaped from him with my two babies and had no where to go. I was scared and started drinking. Did that for ten years, had more relationships with addicts.....drug or alcohol or both and kept repeating the cycle.

If chaos wasn't in my life, I created it. That's all I knew. Until recently.

Through this board and al-anon and my faith, at age 45 I'm learning that while "saving" others all of my life......I was the one who needed saving. By taking care of them, then I didn't have to face myself. There was this huge void in my heart and didn't know where it came from or how to deal with it.

I had a abf for almost a year recently and I enabled him to no end!! I thought I was gonna "save" him. Cuz I got sober 11 years ago and have stayed that way, so I could do it for him. WRONG!! He's in a 1 year rehab right now. He never stopped drinking.

It's all about loving ourselves, figuring out how to do that, how to take care of us first, THEN helping others out to a point. Cuz, the truth is, we can't help anybody until we're healed. I thought I had "Doormat" written on my forehead. Couldn't figure out why. If you read Melody Beattie's books (I'm reading one now of her's called "Choices"......I love it!) and stick with AL anon and this board.......you'll get it. You'll know why you've always done what you've always done and gotten to the same place.

We could go from one man to another and STILL end up the same. Until we start feeling different about ourselves, nothing will change.

Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 08-29-2005, 09:51 AM
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You probably have a lot of codependent behaviours. It's hard not trying to control others, try to keep them in line, keep them happy, etc.


You are also going through a lot of change. Give yourself time to adjust.

Alanon would be good for your recovery. Also, try reading "Codependent No More".
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Old 08-30-2005, 06:57 AM
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Thanks for sharring Anaka. Have you ever attended an Al-anon recovery meeting and or an Acoa group? They might be alot of hands on help,and more advice. Also in a bit I would try checking on a personal sponser. I'm also new sort of at least on the web. Theres a well noted saying, as to what insanity or lack of information is/ when a person trys the same thing over and over again but expects differant results,thats insane.
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Old 08-30-2005, 07:14 AM
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Welcome to SR!!!!

I, as well as most on here I am sure, can completely relate to what you are saying. I have been pretty co-dependant most of my life and am just now starting to realize it!!!

Go to AlAnon, Go to AlAnon, Go to AlAnon!!!! It will help you more than you can imagine. Counseling is also a very good idea as well as reading. Take care of yourself and keep coming back here to the boards. There are so many that are going through the same struggles you are right now. Talk, listen and take action.

Good luck!
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