thinkingofwhen22

Hello, I have been lurking on this site for a while and finally decided to put the energy out and write my first post. This post may be kind of long and sound like a whine, so I apologize in advance. I'm 25 years old and still living at home with nothing to show for it but the dead end job I dutifully ride my bike to. What made me write this post is that I'm increasingly coming to the point that I think that I cannot go on, or I don't want to go on. I was at work today and a co worker told me that I was a young guy who needed to wake up and make some plans for the future-well not long after that I felt like I was going to loose it. I find myself being pulled in two directions between ending this wreck of a life for good or holding out some hope that maybe I can pull myself out of this hole. I have ****ed up so much with the drinking(find myself wanting to start again) and the drugs(I don't even think my brain works)that I feel like it is better to throw in the towel now and put myself out of my misery. So now that the crying is done for now, I don't think I can make the decisions and choices I need to. A doctor had me on Celexa which I stopped(made me feel weird)and told me to go to some govt. health center called CHI because she felt I needed more help than she could offer. This may sound stupid from an adult but I am terrified of going in for treatment(I stopped drinkink on my own so I didn't have to go to meetings)because I don't know where it will end, being exposed,and most of all the cost-I can't even get up the courage to call numbers to get myself a car when it is in site. I got to figure this out on my own but I was hoping you all could give me some encouragement, because I need it. Sorry about the long whine.

DenF.

Hi thinking,

I very seldom log on to this forum, but I saw your post and wanted to welcome you.

I know someone will be along soon who can share their experience, strength, and hope with you.

For now, please put those thoughts of ending everything now out of your mind, ok? If you did that, we would not have the opportunity to get to know you now would we?

Something that came to mind is, have you ever sat down, picked up a pen and tried to set some realistic goals for yourself. Short term and long term ones? Short term goals are important because it allows you the opportunity to see results. As far as your doctor's statement about referring you to another MD, perhaps she does not specialize in those areas and only wants to see you get the best possible care.

I will say a prayer for you before I close my eyes for the evening. Keep coming back here ok? I usually hang out on the Christians In Recovery Forum or General Recovery and you are welcome to visit us there also.

God Bless

Den

<small>[ May 23, 2002, 01:12 AM: Message edited by: Roven_Rev ]</small>

Terryb39

Hi, I have been dealing with depression for a long time, and I can tell you, as abstinence (from drugs and alcohol) increases, depression decreases. Alcohol and drugs only ADD to depression. Please don't think about ending it all, you need to give yourself more time. How long have you been sober? You are only 25, you have all the time in the world, your life is just beginning. So what if you are not where you want to be in life? You have plenty of time to work on yourself, and CHANGE. What if you had a terrible accident next week, and your life on earth is over? Have you done everything you have wanted to do? Drugs and alcohol screw up your thinking and make things seem worse than they really are. It's never too late to be what you might have been! Take care of yourself, and don't give up!

Juls

I can relate to where you are coming from. I'm 47 now, but when I was your age I had a very difficult time with depression after I stopped drinking. The alcohol kept a lot of emotional and psychological stuff repressed that came up when I sobered up.

A lot changed as I grew older. I don't believe in trying to "cheer up" or minimize the discouragement that generates feelings of wanting to "end this wreck of a life."

You feel this way for a good reason. A friend of mine taught me to "lean into" these painful states of mind/emotion. Not much I can say that will help - in fact, I don't believe in helping. I believe in caring - caring is what lifts me out of my despair and depression. I find something - sometimes even myself - to care about. Right now it's mice. 19 of 'em that live in a cage in my house. One is a runt, nearly died until it occurred to me to put it in a "hospital cage" with its mother so it could nurse without competition. It's doing much better. I care about the few friends that I still haven't alienated and try to let them know it regularly. I have a job where I get to help people every day.

And about half the time I still wish I would get cancer or something so at least the "end would be in sight." I don't apologise for this - I own and accept it as who I am. I don't listen to people who would try to tell me otherwise.

"The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences." - Seng T'san, the Third Zen Patriarch

I've been in therapy for over 20 years, attended all sorts of emotional/spiritual workshops for "personal growth," involved in 12 step recovery for many years, left that (been there, done that). Now I'm just living life. Feeling pain. Watching the moon. Playing with mice. Feeding cats and fish. Going to work. Letting people know I care about them. What else is there to do?

Namaste (I bow to that place in you, which when you're in yours' and I'm in mine, there is only one of us - Ram Dass)

Terryb39

Julia,
even though you said you don't beleive in helping, your post helped me a great deal today. I have been "in a bad place" lately, struggling with alcoholism and depression. I now realize I am not alone in these feelings, and I can get help, I need help. I am almost 40 years old and have been going through this depression thing since about 13, and I hate it, I don't like the way I think. I have been through rehab and counseling and I am going to a new counseler tomorrow. How long have you been sober? Did the alcoholism cause the depression, or the depression cause the alcoholism? I don't know the answer to this question. I had a really bad day yesterday, started drinking after staying sober for one whole month, and my husband called the police on me because of the way I was talking. They asked me if I would volunteerily go to the hospital and I said sure, and they released me after 8 hours, and told me to go to counseling. I don't want stupid **** like this to happen, the whole day was just so stupid, all because of the demon alcohol. Thanks for your post, Teri

thinkingofwhen22

I just read Terryb39 and Julia's posts and would like to thank them both for their kind words and concern. I was heartened when I heard how long both of you have been suffering with depression. Your both very strong people. I often wonder how much of this life I can take and I'm 25. As for the Ecstacy, you can take and abuse anything to the limits like I have if you really don't care about what you do to yourself,or maybe if you fool yourself about the damage your doing. I think I can relate with Terry's bad episode in that I once got so drunk that I decided to walk through a bad neighborhood after partying to get home(impaired judgement combined with deathwish) and lost half of both of my front teeth. I drank the day after,but that was what got me to stop the drinking-I hope I can last. Thanks.

chivapiano

Hi, thinking. I don't have any personal experience of what you're going through. However I have been married to a a manic depressive/ alcoholic for thirteen years. He began suffering severe depression and manic episodes when he was 20. He is now 46. It took us a long time to get the meds right and he suffered. No doubt about it. Then, when he got the meds right he went full tilt into alcoholism. But he's now in A.A. and taking Prozac and Wellbutrin for his chemical moodswings. He is happier now than I have ever know him and more grateful for his life than almost anyone you would ever meet. He is regretful that it took him this long to get into AA or come to grips with his bi-polar. Life is more meaningful and precious to him because of his struggle. He drank, got into fights, put himself into dangerous situations, shot heroin and did crack. If he can make it anyone can. I wish I had half his passion for life. Please don't give up. I know that's a stupid thing to say when you're depressed. It's just words. But get someone to help you make the rounds to find the right treatment/meds/support so you can start living. My favorite line from Shawshank:

"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. God damn right!"