So Very very tired..........
~Author of My Life~
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
So Very very tired..........
I have dealt with depression so long in my life....I usually overcome it, at least for a little while. But lately...I don't know....I feel as though I have done everything possible, I have had faith longer than I ever thought I could, quit drugs, faced every fear I could face to face.
But I am soooo tired. I take Zoloft. I helps to a point. But it's as though this time, this depression..it isn't chemical, it may be partly situational, but not wholly..I believe "I" can make any situation better...except for my health, and my panic attacks, and the physical pain. I have been going to pain management. A few steroid injections have a couple spots of severe pain, but not most of it. The dopc is an idiot. My family doc says she will send me to another pain management clinic. One problem. It's 30 miles away. I can't drive and there is no one to take me. I used to drive...I loved it! Except the panic attacks. I had to stop or risk blacking out and wrecking.
I can't work...I am trying to babysit 3 kids right now, ina dditon to my own two...At night I sit and cry in so much pain and stress.
I have been through worse depressions for sure. But it seems to me that it will NEVER get better..as in not perfect..but as in bearable..able to be independent and get done what I need to.
I wil never be a burden to my family. I won't be so fully dependent on others. Maybe I am just being stupid...or just selfish. I try and not think of my pain or my problems...but the problem is ME! I am the one who can't function!
Another part of me isn't even angry at all.................I just accept that I am not ever going to be alright..and I wish I could just lay down and die...I fantasize about it some..but I have two kids..I would never do that to them! ever! But then I pray for an accident to take me...My God! That is sick! I don't want to die!! I want to live more than anyone has ever believed me in my life.
I am so tired though.....so tired. The doctor says she thinks I have fibromyalgia and myofacial pain, I have arthritis in my back and bursitis in my hip and shoulder, I have a staph infection on my chest and my shoulder, I can't afford the medicines to treat it all! They told me I had a fracture in my back...now they can't find it! But the MRI shows bulging disc with spondyliosis(sp?)one doc said that meant a fracture..I don't know anymore..I know I hurt so bad....so bad I sit and just sob when no one is home.I can barely afford the Zoloft I take. My insurance covers no prescriptions, at all. Every day I feel like I am dying...I keep fighting on..but I do wonder how long can I fight? How long can I pray and have faith before i can take no more???
I gues my marriage being on the rocks is to be expected....maybe I am a miserable person to be with!! I honestly don't know anymore..I thought I was doing pretty good. I know one thing if this pain doesn't stop I will have to take something stronger than what I do now....a narcotic. I don't want to live that way again though...so I basically feel screwed no matter what I do. I do yoga stretches, I swim, I meditate...try and eat healthy........nothing works. I think I am really dying and my doctors just don't know it yet or won't tell me...
sorry for the rant and self pity...just needed a good vent I guess..I miss you guys...just too tired half the time to post.
But I am soooo tired. I take Zoloft. I helps to a point. But it's as though this time, this depression..it isn't chemical, it may be partly situational, but not wholly..I believe "I" can make any situation better...except for my health, and my panic attacks, and the physical pain. I have been going to pain management. A few steroid injections have a couple spots of severe pain, but not most of it. The dopc is an idiot. My family doc says she will send me to another pain management clinic. One problem. It's 30 miles away. I can't drive and there is no one to take me. I used to drive...I loved it! Except the panic attacks. I had to stop or risk blacking out and wrecking.
I can't work...I am trying to babysit 3 kids right now, ina dditon to my own two...At night I sit and cry in so much pain and stress.
I have been through worse depressions for sure. But it seems to me that it will NEVER get better..as in not perfect..but as in bearable..able to be independent and get done what I need to.
I wil never be a burden to my family. I won't be so fully dependent on others. Maybe I am just being stupid...or just selfish. I try and not think of my pain or my problems...but the problem is ME! I am the one who can't function!
Another part of me isn't even angry at all.................I just accept that I am not ever going to be alright..and I wish I could just lay down and die...I fantasize about it some..but I have two kids..I would never do that to them! ever! But then I pray for an accident to take me...My God! That is sick! I don't want to die!! I want to live more than anyone has ever believed me in my life.
I am so tired though.....so tired. The doctor says she thinks I have fibromyalgia and myofacial pain, I have arthritis in my back and bursitis in my hip and shoulder, I have a staph infection on my chest and my shoulder, I can't afford the medicines to treat it all! They told me I had a fracture in my back...now they can't find it! But the MRI shows bulging disc with spondyliosis(sp?)one doc said that meant a fracture..I don't know anymore..I know I hurt so bad....so bad I sit and just sob when no one is home.I can barely afford the Zoloft I take. My insurance covers no prescriptions, at all. Every day I feel like I am dying...I keep fighting on..but I do wonder how long can I fight? How long can I pray and have faith before i can take no more???
I gues my marriage being on the rocks is to be expected....maybe I am a miserable person to be with!! I honestly don't know anymore..I thought I was doing pretty good. I know one thing if this pain doesn't stop I will have to take something stronger than what I do now....a narcotic. I don't want to live that way again though...so I basically feel screwed no matter what I do. I do yoga stretches, I swim, I meditate...try and eat healthy........nothing works. I think I am really dying and my doctors just don't know it yet or won't tell me...
sorry for the rant and self pity...just needed a good vent I guess..I miss you guys...just too tired half the time to post.
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
If anyone here is dealing with Fibromyalgia I would appreciate any suggestions that work for you in coping with the pain. Mornings are soooo hard. I have to babysit today...I think I will go to the pool with them all.
Hope everyone has a good day.
Hope everyone has a good day.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 92
Hey 2stop, so much of what you said I can relate to. It's almost as if I wrote it. I suffer from chronic fatigue and weakness and pain-everywhere. For about 8 years now.
I have disc degeneration in my back, myalgia everywhere-my face-from my teeth into my cheeks and jaw, shooting pain down my fingers, hands-headaches, pain in my muscles, joints,
chronic infections that my doctors can't seem to get rid of. As well as having severe depression, anxiety and other mental health problems.
On and bloody on. I don't have children and looking after children when in this state, well, frankly I can't imagine it. But, I couldn't imagine living like this years ago either. What you said about "I believe "I" can make any situation better...except for my health, and my panic attacks, and the physical pain."
I'm right with you there.
I've considered that I may have to go on a
low dose opiate pill some day. But I really don't want to have to do that. I was (am) an opiate addict, so that complicates things.I've had my fill of addiction and withdrawal. So it's a real conundrum.
Right now all I'm taking is extra strength tylenol-sometimes naproxen-they do next to nothing of course. And music. When I feel l can't take one more thing, I listen to music. And candlelit epsom salt baths. With a bath pillow and ear plugs. And if I can focus, a book. That really helps the muscle and joint pain and anxiety.
Everyday is a battle. Every. Single. Freaking. Day.
But there is always hope. After my rant, I realize that may sound incongruous.
Is there some way you could take some of the stress out of your situation? In a weakened state, a person just can't handle as much constant stress. Sounds like you are doing a lot of things for your pain. Just wanted to let you know I feel for you. Take care.
Sincerely, Cate.
I have disc degeneration in my back, myalgia everywhere-my face-from my teeth into my cheeks and jaw, shooting pain down my fingers, hands-headaches, pain in my muscles, joints,
chronic infections that my doctors can't seem to get rid of. As well as having severe depression, anxiety and other mental health problems.
On and bloody on. I don't have children and looking after children when in this state, well, frankly I can't imagine it. But, I couldn't imagine living like this years ago either. What you said about "I believe "I" can make any situation better...except for my health, and my panic attacks, and the physical pain."
I'm right with you there.
I've considered that I may have to go on a
low dose opiate pill some day. But I really don't want to have to do that. I was (am) an opiate addict, so that complicates things.I've had my fill of addiction and withdrawal. So it's a real conundrum.
Right now all I'm taking is extra strength tylenol-sometimes naproxen-they do next to nothing of course. And music. When I feel l can't take one more thing, I listen to music. And candlelit epsom salt baths. With a bath pillow and ear plugs. And if I can focus, a book. That really helps the muscle and joint pain and anxiety.
Everyday is a battle. Every. Single. Freaking. Day.
But there is always hope. After my rant, I realize that may sound incongruous.
Is there some way you could take some of the stress out of your situation? In a weakened state, a person just can't handle as much constant stress. Sounds like you are doing a lot of things for your pain. Just wanted to let you know I feel for you. Take care.
Sincerely, Cate.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Charlottesville, VA
Posts: 3
I'm so sorry about your situation. I also have depression and recently found out that it is possible that I have bipolar disorder. I have definitely had days where I was so very tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. Just didn't want to do anything and felt worthless. Acutally I am in one of those places now . . .
BUT, that is not why I wanted to post. I just wanted you to know that I am here too. I will promise to have a bit of hope if you will. Sometimes it is hard for me to have hope for myself, but knowing that it is helping someone else seems to help me. So, I have hope for you and I will pray for you. (Both of these are 2 HUGE things for me right now) -- see my post re: how to move on http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ewpost&t=67138
I also just want to throw this out there: when was your most recent check in with your prescribing physician? I was on Zoloft for a while and I don't know if I became more depressed or if it simply didn't work for me, but I began to feel horrible despite being on Zoloft. Just a suggestion to check in w/ your dr. Also, I had to go to a psychiatrist who specializes in substance abuse in order to get the best treatment. Although things seem hopeless and worthless for me right now, I am certain without his help I would not be here today.
Hope and faith to you.
BUT, that is not why I wanted to post. I just wanted you to know that I am here too. I will promise to have a bit of hope if you will. Sometimes it is hard for me to have hope for myself, but knowing that it is helping someone else seems to help me. So, I have hope for you and I will pray for you. (Both of these are 2 HUGE things for me right now) -- see my post re: how to move on http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ewpost&t=67138
I also just want to throw this out there: when was your most recent check in with your prescribing physician? I was on Zoloft for a while and I don't know if I became more depressed or if it simply didn't work for me, but I began to feel horrible despite being on Zoloft. Just a suggestion to check in w/ your dr. Also, I had to go to a psychiatrist who specializes in substance abuse in order to get the best treatment. Although things seem hopeless and worthless for me right now, I am certain without his help I would not be here today.
Hope and faith to you.
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Thank you guys so much for your replies. It means a lot to me.
I was addicted to pain pills for 20 some years...from age 10 to about 32...I am 33 now...so it hasn't been too long that I have been sober. A year or so...I don't count anymore..it just feels like I beat one thing, something I never ever thought I could make it through...to this. I just feel sooooo depleted, and worthless. I will hang in there...I always do. I have made it through soo muxch in my life...never thought of myself as a survivor as much as a fighter...but I think that works against me, I don't know how to relax. how to let go...and just let things work out as they will..I am a terrible control freak..as so many of us are.
Thaks against.so much. I will keep you all in my prayers. I have a strong faith, I believe in miracles..but some days..it just seems pointless to believe at all....I know you guys understand what I mean....you get to the point you just truly do not want to accept what is wrong with you. Maybe THAT is where I need to start.
Huge hugs coming your way..................
I was addicted to pain pills for 20 some years...from age 10 to about 32...I am 33 now...so it hasn't been too long that I have been sober. A year or so...I don't count anymore..it just feels like I beat one thing, something I never ever thought I could make it through...to this. I just feel sooooo depleted, and worthless. I will hang in there...I always do. I have made it through soo muxch in my life...never thought of myself as a survivor as much as a fighter...but I think that works against me, I don't know how to relax. how to let go...and just let things work out as they will..I am a terrible control freak..as so many of us are.
Thaks against.so much. I will keep you all in my prayers. I have a strong faith, I believe in miracles..but some days..it just seems pointless to believe at all....I know you guys understand what I mean....you get to the point you just truly do not want to accept what is wrong with you. Maybe THAT is where I need to start.
Huge hugs coming your way..................
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
I actually had a pretty good day today!! got alot of work done and my spirits are up too.
It'sd crazy this roler coaster ride called LIFE! But thank you HP for alowing me to still be here. I don't know yet HOW I am going to achieve all I feel I must..........but one thing I DO like that I learned in a 12 step eeting was that HOW stands for Honesty, Open-minded, and Willingness. That's what I am going to be.......
Hang in there all who struggle with pain and depression and anxiety...........you're in my prayers...and someone LOVES you!!!! (((Hugs)))
It'sd crazy this roler coaster ride called LIFE! But thank you HP for alowing me to still be here. I don't know yet HOW I am going to achieve all I feel I must..........but one thing I DO like that I learned in a 12 step eeting was that HOW stands for Honesty, Open-minded, and Willingness. That's what I am going to be.......
Hang in there all who struggle with pain and depression and anxiety...........you're in my prayers...and someone LOVES you!!!! (((Hugs)))
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
If I could only remember whilst I am in the throes of a deep depression just how much I grow, spiritually, each time I fall........I wouldn't freak out or feel so miserable...I would know I am just having 'growing pains" and I can endure..I can cope, I can move beyond the pain.
just had to share that..I was sitting here pondering pain, and how it chages us, and feels like it chains us...actually it is helping to set me free. Making me pay attention, making me feel more alive...than ever before. LOL..when you have an overabundance of pain you know for da*** sure you ARE alive.....there is really nothing worse than the numb depression, the empty agony addiction and depression can bring.....the pain I feel sober....I can move past, because I FEEL it, all of it, and I don't run away.
just had to share that..I was sitting here pondering pain, and how it chages us, and feels like it chains us...actually it is helping to set me free. Making me pay attention, making me feel more alive...than ever before. LOL..when you have an overabundance of pain you know for da*** sure you ARE alive.....there is really nothing worse than the numb depression, the empty agony addiction and depression can bring.....the pain I feel sober....I can move past, because I FEEL it, all of it, and I don't run away.
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
arg ! I just lost my whole post! @@@@@ !
((( Tammie ))) Its so good to see you! I was thinking that I had not seen you for awhile and was getting ready to declare you on the MIA thread *lol*. I have chronic pain,deppression anxiety also. PM me any time you like. I am glad you are feeling better. Keep that faith !
Bless, Trish
((( Tammie ))) Its so good to see you! I was thinking that I had not seen you for awhile and was getting ready to declare you on the MIA thread *lol*. I have chronic pain,deppression anxiety also. PM me any time you like. I am glad you are feeling better. Keep that faith !
Bless, Trish
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Big, big, hugs. I can so identify with the being so freaking tired of the depression and all the extra demands. Maybe it is time to try a different anti-depressant. I can't remember the thread, but I went whacko sometime within the last month and some dear angel gave us info on how to get our meds from the manufacturers for free!
You are one of the most creative people I know here.
You are the only person I have heard say that the pain makes you know you are alive other than my husband. I can't pretend I understand that. I feel so much better with my pain treated and relieved.
He has the messed up back and is on disability. They give him scrips for pain. They don't help (ultram/tramadol) We have bottles and bottles of them sitting around. He has had two of those steroid shots but they say he can only have 3 in his lifetime. We/he found that actually the most effective pain relief comes from Goodies powders.
He also has a touch of arthritis. The goodies are a combo of aspirin, tylenol and caffeine in a powdered form. I have become a believer because they work better for me for headaches than all the other otc things. Swimming does seem to help his back and hips and legs.
I remember many of the life circumstances you were dealing with. Last time I went crazy it was a combo of situational things, not taking my meds right and perimenopause. My pdoc says the situational things are really important and I needed to change them, that anyone would get buggy with what I was trying to live with.
You are dear to me and I want so much more for you, that "I WANT TO LIVE FULLY" realized. I believe it can happen.
love,
live
You are one of the most creative people I know here.
You are the only person I have heard say that the pain makes you know you are alive other than my husband. I can't pretend I understand that. I feel so much better with my pain treated and relieved.
He has the messed up back and is on disability. They give him scrips for pain. They don't help (ultram/tramadol) We have bottles and bottles of them sitting around. He has had two of those steroid shots but they say he can only have 3 in his lifetime. We/he found that actually the most effective pain relief comes from Goodies powders.
He also has a touch of arthritis. The goodies are a combo of aspirin, tylenol and caffeine in a powdered form. I have become a believer because they work better for me for headaches than all the other otc things. Swimming does seem to help his back and hips and legs.
I remember many of the life circumstances you were dealing with. Last time I went crazy it was a combo of situational things, not taking my meds right and perimenopause. My pdoc says the situational things are really important and I needed to change them, that anyone would get buggy with what I was trying to live with.
You are dear to me and I want so much more for you, that "I WANT TO LIVE FULLY" realized. I believe it can happen.
love,
live
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 92
Tammie, or anyone else suffering with this, have you been on antibiotics lately? The reason I ask, is if you have, did you notice any improvement in your symptoms while you were on them? Less muscle or joint pain?
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Thank you so much Live, and Anna and all of you...I love you guys!
I am taking Cipro right now for a staph infection. My joints aren't feeling better...but maybe after I am through with them? Interesting you mentioned this though, do you know of those who feel better whilst on antibiotics?
Live-I have had 3 steroid injections within a month...that's interesting his doc said no more than 3 in a lifetime. I know they can ruin your immune system and all. Hmmmm...will have to research it more.
Anna- I am going to speak with my doc about the meds you mentioned. Like I said the Zoloft seems to help, but then again it isn't, make any sense..it helps me sleep a few hours at night..then I wake up ancy and all anxious, and the OCD is sooo much worse on it...but the overall anxiety throughout the day is better..it's weird, I have been on soooo many different meds....I just want to quit them all.
..and Live..although I feel alive because of the pain, unfortunately it is the type of 'alive' where I think only death will cure it...I hate pain!! I can only alot of it...but I hate it with a passion. The past few months I have had to go to the ER sobing in pain..they give me 4 shots..and finally I can rest.....only one of them is usually a narcotic, we always try the non narcotic shots first, like Torodol. One doc gave me Diluadid and morphine....didn't like the feeling....which is progress for me..used to I would have loved every second of it!! I can't say I crave narcotics anymore...I DO crave relief alot...but really try to avoid the heavy narcotics. I take neurontin now, and skelaxin..had to stop the skelaxin, felt like puking all day with it....the neurontin makes me feel better somewhat, but keeps me even more tired.
It's frustrating, but by God I won't lay down and die, I want to sometimes..but I won't.
Hope all are doing okay tonight.love you guys!!!!! I am definitely going to be on here more......I have been away from HOME way too long.........
I am taking Cipro right now for a staph infection. My joints aren't feeling better...but maybe after I am through with them? Interesting you mentioned this though, do you know of those who feel better whilst on antibiotics?
Live-I have had 3 steroid injections within a month...that's interesting his doc said no more than 3 in a lifetime. I know they can ruin your immune system and all. Hmmmm...will have to research it more.
Anna- I am going to speak with my doc about the meds you mentioned. Like I said the Zoloft seems to help, but then again it isn't, make any sense..it helps me sleep a few hours at night..then I wake up ancy and all anxious, and the OCD is sooo much worse on it...but the overall anxiety throughout the day is better..it's weird, I have been on soooo many different meds....I just want to quit them all.
..and Live..although I feel alive because of the pain, unfortunately it is the type of 'alive' where I think only death will cure it...I hate pain!! I can only alot of it...but I hate it with a passion. The past few months I have had to go to the ER sobing in pain..they give me 4 shots..and finally I can rest.....only one of them is usually a narcotic, we always try the non narcotic shots first, like Torodol. One doc gave me Diluadid and morphine....didn't like the feeling....which is progress for me..used to I would have loved every second of it!! I can't say I crave narcotics anymore...I DO crave relief alot...but really try to avoid the heavy narcotics. I take neurontin now, and skelaxin..had to stop the skelaxin, felt like puking all day with it....the neurontin makes me feel better somewhat, but keeps me even more tired.
It's frustrating, but by God I won't lay down and die, I want to sometimes..but I won't.
Hope all are doing okay tonight.love you guys!!!!! I am definitely going to be on here more......I have been away from HOME way too long.........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Tammie, I don't know what kind of steroid injections they gave him. All I know is that one on each side of the spinal cord spaced about 1-3 months apart. It helped alot. But then because it masked the pain, and he was in a mess with the hurricanes, he lifted far too much and injured himself.
The best thing he has done for his back is to lose weight and do a lot of walking. He does say it is better than it has been in a long time.
oh, and because I am in-between jobs I ask my pdoc for samples, she has no problem with that. The post for free meds was in WIR. I will try to find it.
That laying there waiting to die is something I am way too familiar with, I call that depression now and being passively suicidal.
You deserve to feel better.
Have you talked about switching from the Zoloft, there are lots newer ones.?
The best thing he has done for his back is to lose weight and do a lot of walking. He does say it is better than it has been in a long time.
oh, and because I am in-between jobs I ask my pdoc for samples, she has no problem with that. The post for free meds was in WIR. I will try to find it.
That laying there waiting to die is something I am way too familiar with, I call that depression now and being passively suicidal.
You deserve to feel better.
Have you talked about switching from the Zoloft, there are lots newer ones.?
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Don't mind me and my long posts..LOL....just trying to work through what's bugging me..I have had a good day....very grateful for that....but wouldn't you know a letter comes from my sister in law...and ruins my peace of mind! (I am ruining it, by dwelling on it, but working on 'letting it go")
To make a long story short my brother is an alcoholic and does not pick the nicest women to be with....I have tried very hard to be good to this one even though she is rude, demanding, a drunk herself and a liar......she smoked pot in my back yard a few weeks ago..and that is it....I won't deal with it..but the worst is how every conversation is how bad my brother is..she has accused him of forcing sex(I feel obligated to call the law..but what do you do??!, she called one last time saying..."your brother.." and proceeded to tellme how he woke up in the middle of the night anjd pissed all over here!! That is sooo sick!! I kinda snapped...told her I can't take anymore...won't take anymore......to please not call or come by again. She didn't like that very much.........I told her and my brother both...you bring illegal drugs to my house...you won't be coming back.....I mean it. I just wish she would stop strating crap.....she acts all nice around my husbands boss, a family friend of ours, (she is working off money they lent her to pay off her probation in Texas so they won't come and get her) Nothing is ever her fault....ever! Hateful, hateful person......some of the crap comes outta her mouth is sooooo insane! I can deal with my drunk brother better than her.... needless to say she outright pisses me off..but I have chosen to not allow either one around me or my kids. It' sjust too much bs you know?
I don't know it is just wearing on me...she told me I am not a good friend, I am jealous of her, I am this and I am that..yada yada blah blah blah.....I can't take it anymore...........she is the type to start trouble and I just hope she doesn't.....I am too tired for it.I am having terribly hateful thoughts towards her and I need to stop it but boy some times people just get to you ya know??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!@!!!!!!!@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!
okay, sorry about the vent..just had to get it off my chest..I am going to let it go somehow......
I wrote her one nice letter, offering suggestions to help her, support through it..she said it just pissed her off.....so she is on her own now............I just don't want trouble. Why do some people thrive on so much hate and discontent?? Even in my worse days addicted I hated chaos and discontent.....didn't like it at all. I guess people can hide from their problems when everything around them is sooo messed up.
To make a long story short my brother is an alcoholic and does not pick the nicest women to be with....I have tried very hard to be good to this one even though she is rude, demanding, a drunk herself and a liar......she smoked pot in my back yard a few weeks ago..and that is it....I won't deal with it..but the worst is how every conversation is how bad my brother is..she has accused him of forcing sex(I feel obligated to call the law..but what do you do??!, she called one last time saying..."your brother.." and proceeded to tellme how he woke up in the middle of the night anjd pissed all over here!! That is sooo sick!! I kinda snapped...told her I can't take anymore...won't take anymore......to please not call or come by again. She didn't like that very much.........I told her and my brother both...you bring illegal drugs to my house...you won't be coming back.....I mean it. I just wish she would stop strating crap.....she acts all nice around my husbands boss, a family friend of ours, (she is working off money they lent her to pay off her probation in Texas so they won't come and get her) Nothing is ever her fault....ever! Hateful, hateful person......some of the crap comes outta her mouth is sooooo insane! I can deal with my drunk brother better than her.... needless to say she outright pisses me off..but I have chosen to not allow either one around me or my kids. It' sjust too much bs you know?
I don't know it is just wearing on me...she told me I am not a good friend, I am jealous of her, I am this and I am that..yada yada blah blah blah.....I can't take it anymore...........she is the type to start trouble and I just hope she doesn't.....I am too tired for it.I am having terribly hateful thoughts towards her and I need to stop it but boy some times people just get to you ya know??? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!@!!!!!!!@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!
okay, sorry about the vent..just had to get it off my chest..I am going to let it go somehow......
I wrote her one nice letter, offering suggestions to help her, support through it..she said it just pissed her off.....so she is on her own now............I just don't want trouble. Why do some people thrive on so much hate and discontent?? Even in my worse days addicted I hated chaos and discontent.....didn't like it at all. I guess people can hide from their problems when everything around them is sooo messed up.
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
I have taken trazodone.......I have to confess, there are some issues facing me with past bulimia and anorexia that is associated somewhat with antidepressants..and I know it sounds so vain and so stupid but some antidepressants I will not take if I even suspect they will make me gain weight..I get so obsessed over it. I have never told any doctor about my past problems with bulimia and anorexia..I worry now that I may have done more damage than I thought...and I have done some damage....trazodone is one where I gained weight.....I read where this neurontin can cause weight gain and already I am anxious to stop it..so really I am working against myself..I can't expect good pain relief if I am going to be soooo stupid!!! Man........it is really an issue I need to talk about though...I never have really opened up about it.
I wouold feel sooo in control by not eating...it was a real rush to me..and when I would get so hungry and emotionally starved and lonely I would sit on the floor and eat sooo much..I then would puke it up, I would mix mustard with water, shove a toothbrush down my throat, whatever it took..I also became quite adicted to exercise...my frieneds hated me, going on a bike ride was not fun with me..I would find every hill and deman we ride up them without standing up on the pedals..just push ourselves.I was so anxious and scared and depressed back then..I wanted to be in control.....to be in charge of myself.....to look good to people, I was sooo afraid they saw me and thought "look at the crazy girl....ewwww...don't get near her!!" I thought at least I could not look crazy, even though I felt insane.
I rememeber once after having a breakdown after being raped(6 months later)I woke up in the hospital......somehow got out of bed, could barely walk from being sedated and went into the bathroom and did sit ups til I passed out.....my God..I was insane. No wonder I have bursitis and arthritis and pain.....I better tell my doctor I suppose...I really don't want to...but I want to eliminate all issues from my life...I want to be free.
Sorry for another long pitiful post, but it just triggered something, how I saw an antidepresant mentioned and became very anxious as to weight gain.
I tell ya, do we ever become issue free???? LOL..........One thing at a time I reckon....
I wouold feel sooo in control by not eating...it was a real rush to me..and when I would get so hungry and emotionally starved and lonely I would sit on the floor and eat sooo much..I then would puke it up, I would mix mustard with water, shove a toothbrush down my throat, whatever it took..I also became quite adicted to exercise...my frieneds hated me, going on a bike ride was not fun with me..I would find every hill and deman we ride up them without standing up on the pedals..just push ourselves.I was so anxious and scared and depressed back then..I wanted to be in control.....to be in charge of myself.....to look good to people, I was sooo afraid they saw me and thought "look at the crazy girl....ewwww...don't get near her!!" I thought at least I could not look crazy, even though I felt insane.
I rememeber once after having a breakdown after being raped(6 months later)I woke up in the hospital......somehow got out of bed, could barely walk from being sedated and went into the bathroom and did sit ups til I passed out.....my God..I was insane. No wonder I have bursitis and arthritis and pain.....I better tell my doctor I suppose...I really don't want to...but I want to eliminate all issues from my life...I want to be free.
Sorry for another long pitiful post, but it just triggered something, how I saw an antidepresant mentioned and became very anxious as to weight gain.
I tell ya, do we ever become issue free???? LOL..........One thing at a time I reckon....
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Tammie,
I put a sign on our front door that says do not enter violators will receive a no trespass order from the prosecutor's office.
How is that for an attitude?
I have got a woman I would love to gripe about.!!
There is no reason for you to be an in-between between your brother and his messed up gf. Ya can't save the world. I can't take the stress of that kind of bs.
Go to a meeting, see a psych....there are your problems and my problems,...that is my attitude towards those people.
I put a sign on our front door that says do not enter violators will receive a no trespass order from the prosecutor's office.
How is that for an attitude?
I have got a woman I would love to gripe about.!!
There is no reason for you to be an in-between between your brother and his messed up gf. Ya can't save the world. I can't take the stress of that kind of bs.
Go to a meeting, see a psych....there are your problems and my problems,...that is my attitude towards those people.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Being depressed, I didn't see the need to eat. I would psych myself with thoughts of how much of the world is happy to have a bowl of rice a day. Or of Buddhists fasting.
I didn't know until recently how I have been able to maintain a normal weight. And. yup, it is the meds.
My appetite has been screwed up for a long time. It all started over the stupidist thing. I was 6 months pregnant and I bought a pair of jeans on sale in my pre-pregnancy size. Some older german ladies made fun of me, about how I would never fit in my size again. That was it. I would prepare a meal for the family, push my food around on my plate and then sneak it to the dogs. Now I don't care if I eat for days, then I hit the smorgasboard and eat all the meats I can hold. Lucky for me, my new hubby usually runs out to McD's for breakfast sandwiches and with him around I eat better.
I used to most dread the question "What did you eat today?" And only a tiny few even knew to ask it.
If it isn't a nice meal out, I would rather take vitamins and be done with it. And I HATE cooking. If I can't snack out of the fridge, I would starve. Mostly I munch a bunch at night while reading.
I didn't know until recently how I have been able to maintain a normal weight. And. yup, it is the meds.
My appetite has been screwed up for a long time. It all started over the stupidist thing. I was 6 months pregnant and I bought a pair of jeans on sale in my pre-pregnancy size. Some older german ladies made fun of me, about how I would never fit in my size again. That was it. I would prepare a meal for the family, push my food around on my plate and then sneak it to the dogs. Now I don't care if I eat for days, then I hit the smorgasboard and eat all the meats I can hold. Lucky for me, my new hubby usually runs out to McD's for breakfast sandwiches and with him around I eat better.
I used to most dread the question "What did you eat today?" And only a tiny few even knew to ask it.
If it isn't a nice meal out, I would rather take vitamins and be done with it. And I HATE cooking. If I can't snack out of the fridge, I would starve. Mostly I munch a bunch at night while reading.
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Love that attitude live!!!! LOL.....People like that are just mental vampires really.....they won't accept help or even admit any problems, and they want to dump and dump and rant and rave and cause so much chaos....not going to tolerate it anymore.
I am going to enjoy my life!!I guess a part of me always feel guilty if I don't support someone 100% through EVERYthing..but I just can't..I don't have the strength anymore........I would do anything to help anybody..but if a PERSON DOES NOT WANT HELP..THERE IS NOTHIng I can do...
Will try and stop ranting here soon..have to stay awake til 1am to wake hubby up for work....poor guy, he works soo hard. He lives in tremendous pain also..he believes you should just suck it up...lol...I've tried, it doesn't work for long..
I will keep your hubby(and you) in my prayers. I was so excited to hear you got married!!! Bless your heart!!
Wishing angels on your pillows tonight dear friends....love ya!!!
I am going to enjoy my life!!I guess a part of me always feel guilty if I don't support someone 100% through EVERYthing..but I just can't..I don't have the strength anymore........I would do anything to help anybody..but if a PERSON DOES NOT WANT HELP..THERE IS NOTHIng I can do...
Will try and stop ranting here soon..have to stay awake til 1am to wake hubby up for work....poor guy, he works soo hard. He lives in tremendous pain also..he believes you should just suck it up...lol...I've tried, it doesn't work for long..
I will keep your hubby(and you) in my prayers. I was so excited to hear you got married!!! Bless your heart!!
Wishing angels on your pillows tonight dear friends....love ya!!!
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