nutz

@#$%^K!!!!

She did it again.
Her liver was damaged.
Now,she's coughing blood.
Mmmmm...she say, it's my fault or som'in along those lines.

I'm beyound nutz.( i'm also a recovering ...mmm whatever , now)
I relapes( 2 weeks) after 11 years, but I have 11 months clean and sober.
It's been a living hell. Draining.
I take full responsibility for my actions, but Damn if that woman didn't
drive me to that point. speak of emotional hang overs,good lord!!

It's been torture.Mmmmm....no, I didn't ask for it or this.
I'm really, really sick and tired of all the drama or chaos.
Even if she was sober, it was still a nightmare.
I'm angery.....it shows.
The past four years on this damn merry go round.
I hope and cried for years
I can't handle this anymore.

yes, yes ...we played the game of packing/seperations...many, many times.
I even did one of those, it's over and hope it the sack with someone else
tring to conveince me/her that it wasn't working or it was over.
IT SOBER HER RIGHT UP !!!
but lord help me....I havn't heard the end of it.

I don't have the heart to make her leave.
locked her out, refuse to talk to her and tried to end the relationship
over and over again.
But as always....@$#@% !!!! I let her in my life again
Guilt, love, compassion...who knows.
IT ain't romance that's for damn sure.

I'm a recoverying alki. and I try to understand...but I can't do this anymore.
Right now, she wants to talk recovery with me as before.
It's like a broken record.Mmm...I must be old,lol
will this sheit is gett'in real old.

I not sure what i'm going to do.
I swear, I've stand at this cross road many times. @#$!!!!!

walkingtheline

Perhaps it's as Frost said-maybe it's time to take the road less travelled by...

cwohio

((nutz)) - yep - sounds like you're due for a change!

FriendofBill

How about surredering? Just like you did to alcohol....just surrender. Thats the only way I can win, is by waving the white flag.

The most important surrender is my next one.

rock

Really feel what youre going through Im in a similar situation. At the crossroads, same thing over and over again. Surrendring is great advice Im taking that one, Why bitch about it if we do, why stay (financial, kids, property, assets etc.). I just picked up a book The ten stupid things MEN do to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura Shchlessinger its pretty eye opening about ourselves as men. Good luck and take good care Rock

nutz

Women R CRRRRRAAAAAZY !!!
That's part of the problem.
BUT she wants me to think like a woman
That's crazy thinking.lol
Good lord...how the heck I'm figure out when she say
yes, she means NO. When she say leave me alone, she means to hold her.
Then women say men are stupid when men miss understand.
Communication break down ????....god help me !!

maybe that's my lesson
surrender..mmmm to HP and not her.
She dosn't like that idea.lol
I have to depend on my higher power for the most part.
It's a dailey reprieve, but ya know....it's like twice as
hard and on some days, I'm not so perfect.
The constant drama just gets old....so i just leave.
Then I'll have the deal with that, so I shut down
mentally, emotionally and pyhcially.
Then I'll have to deal with that..and on and on.
It's draining. For the most part I just want peace
just so I can rest. I feel so worn out.

I'm trying to get the bigger picture.
She's suppose to be teach'in something.
She's An angle.lol
I'm not sure what principle at the moment.
In a wierd way I've grown in many ways thourgh all this,
but I'm going out of my freanken mind and tired.

After my relapes , I've been working my program vergeroiusly.
I don't think I'm better than her. I know, she a child of god.
And I know she's suffering and hurting in many, many ways.
And i've pretty much stay out of the way and just pray.
But i can't do it for her.

Cynay

Hello there....

Just wanted to say that you have to remember that the women you are dealing with is sick... so therefore dont judge us all that way.

Women are not so hard to live with or to understand.... at least healthy women are not, sounds like your doing all you can do....the rest is to Let Go and Let God.

Zoey

Dr. Laura wrote a good book for women too. Read that next. We females do not understand men, and men do not understand women. No wonder we both make a mess of things. Hope you have a good sponser.
I think you will work it out. Best to you both.

bikewench

Hey Nutz....

So sorry for your pain and confusion...

But.. I have to echo all those here who said that letting go is the answer...

Your lady is gonna stew.. and bitch.. and moan .. and do her thing no matter what you do...

And... if she was anything like me at one point... I didn't know what the hell I wanted... other than attention... of any kind...
So.. I use to make myself a problem..

There was no solution to this problem... cause only I had the key... and I had more suffering to do yet... ;o)

If you can't leave her... then turn her over to God... and get on with things....

God can manage her....

Trust me.. ;o)

rock

Thanks Ladies. Yea Im dealing with someone who is sick and lost. I find when I worry about what she is doing,thinking etc. I get crazy and not centered, she does what she wants anyway( thanks bikewench great insight as to were my A is at). Ill work my program keep coming here and reading, praying for strength and courage. Its funny bikewench she says I dont know what I want also . Ill let go again take care of me Ive been doing good but get of my path sometimes.Im frustated and angry over the situation. But today im back on my path. This feels real good to write. Thanks for sharing Nutz and you help me out alot too. Rock

bikewench

Hey Rock...

Yeah.. I lose my path sometimes as well... ;o)

Understanding what healthy/toxic love has helped me a lot.. so I'm gonna share..



http://www.crescentlife.com/psychiss...toxic_love.htm


I always try to keep in mind as well that codependancy is based on lies...
and manipulation... controlling side and using side...

Being dragged off base by someone else's reality is so easy to let happen... but lethal to us in the long run..

That's why I want the truth.. the whole truth.. and nothing but the truth.. so help me God.. ;o)

Bless us all...

reader

You can do as your doing and live by example. Your actions are speaking loudly. Continue to work on you and your recovery. Try not to get dragged into the drama. Take the high road. Kerry

nutz

I had a brain fart last night.
I'm aware of farts.lol

My spitual advisor told me many years ago, about the same time
I met her.
lol..my sponsor can't kept a relationship together.
He is a very gental man, he dosn't really give me
direct answers. Go go this, do that kind of thing.
I get it....I'm responsiable.lol
so I can't blame anyone
It's my decision , my freewill

something about sand paper and god/univers sending adbrasive people
into my life to make me a finer person or being.
I didn't get at first.
And after I did...I didn't think it applied to me.
My sweet heart???, Y...she couldn't rub me the wrong way.lol

okey, I admitted it, maybe I was rough on the egdes
But good lord.... I think I'm pretty smooth by now.
And if i continue with this same level of adbrasiveness
I'll just keep loosin more of myself without getting any finer.lol

I gotta laught at all of this somehow, otherwise I'll really, really
loose it.

She went to el casino last night again.
Comes home hostaL and de same old song and dance.
you know it was my fualt that she went and blew all her money
Usually I'll have the music truned up and ready.

I been reading a lot of books.
Just got done read'in Oneday my soul opened up
and Soul stories.
maybe all this drama is forcing me to do R&R and do work
on myself more consistently. Otherwise I wouldn't.lol
Anyhow...R&R is cool and all. Test flight is a trip.
Keep my mouth shut, sending her love, not tak'in it personally
Looking into them evil eyes of the beast ain't easy
in the heat of the moment.
Not getting blown around by the 8 winds.
If I want peace , be peace... Holy shiet !!!.lol
If I want love, be love
If I want joy , be joy

I didn't play the game with her. She tried serval more times
thourgh out the night. I kept peace for the most part.
Little remarks back at her but not getting into it with her.
I stop wasting my energy.
She stop too after a while.

Then I thought about how my life would be without her.
Feeling of fears came over me. The first time I've ever lived by
myself was a years ago in all my life. (seperation) It was the scaries
thing I've done , but i walk thourgh it.

It was a trip how a lost puppy followed me that first night,
I couldn't sit home alone so I went for a walk.
The puppy kept company for a week..that was wierd in a way.
I belive love was always in my life someway, somehow.
I was being reminded,taught or be coming more aware.
I got totally dysfunctional at first but got well after.
It was one of the biggest/greatest growth for me.

But after that we got back together again.

and I feel like I'm being suck dried again.
Anyhow I observed me instead of her.
My Fears....I embraced it (surender), processed it.
My spiritual advisor told me to embrace my pain once before.
And ever time I get onto that elsayjoy site and click on a box.
whala that same message " embrace your pain"... good lord !!!

Though this hold process there's alot of weird stuff going on inside
of me. Something came up that I totally forgot or refused to process.
I guess it's about that time becuase I had totally put that out of my
mind. And I've been in recovery eversince 1991 or never wrote about it.
The incident effected my life more than I like to belive.
I had never told anybody about it.

I lost a dear friend in an accident during my senior year in HS.
I never got a chance to thank her for being my friend.
I never had a chance to say good bye.
I was going to ask her to the prom
I walked her home on a friday afternoon, the next thing I knew
she was gone. I withdrawed from life and never grieved for her lost.
I couldn't focus on my schooling or anything.
I drank and got high alone heaviely and became a recluse
I droped out of HS 1 week before graduation.
I attended summer school..Got my diploma within a week
becuase I already had or my requirements.
Everybody thought I was tripping.

Wierd how I would forget something like that.
And it's wwird how I would do something 99% but never complete it.

And i'ts wreid how I wuoldn't crae mcuh abuot my spllenigs or gmarmer
bceuase stduies sohws you can cmopernend waht I'm wirtnig, if I
get de fisrt and lsat lteter of a wrod crrocet.lol

Zoey

nutz... Hi...
Have you done an updated 4th and 5th steps?? With each time we remember more.

I have often wondered what would happen if when she starts to talk and blame just say, "I love you ", say nothing else except to repeat it??

They expect us to be angry and argumentive. Change it and see if it throws them for a loss. I have never heard it tried. I just wonder??