The strangest care plan!

Old 08-10-2005, 11:34 AM
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The strangest care plan!

But I like it!

We had our visit to APAS today to begin on the careplan. It is a different approach to al-anon/aa, 12 steps but one that both of us are more comfortable with.

First of all the goal for us is 2 fold. Firstly that we tackle recovering from what's happened within a healthy, balanced inter-dependence. It's acknowledged that couples influence each others behaviour and that mutual support is vital BUT within that we also have individual responsibilities.

Secondly as we learn that we both caretake better communication and support each other through D maintaining abstainence, and me relaxing about past events/slips along the way. This is quite a hard concept to get across and it DOES NOT mean that I hold any responsibility for his drinking, or that he holds responsibility for my happiness, it's no more than accepting we influence each other and have a responsibility to give out what we want to get back.

So down to the care plan - it's based on us!! It's drawn up entirely from what I feel would help support me (with D agreeing if he thinks it's doable), and what D thinks would help support him (as long as I think it's doable). On top of that it can include things that D asks I do for myself or that I ask he does for himself!!

I included him finishing the email to his brother, him clearing the plates every night, shower every day, read through the SMART website thouroughly (for most that would be a task and a half but D reads a novel a night!).

D asked that I move empty fag packets, put my shoes under the dining room table, keep my petrol tank at least one quater full, and put the post in the same place every day.

And the point is - we both learn to be specific about our needs, we use tasks to learn how changing behaviour can change feelings, moods, habits and even belief. We get praise from each other for achieving the tasks by the dates and we build on it week by week towards more serious issues.

I'm so pleased with it - it's such a doable first step. I understand it and it supports what we both want in the long run which is to be there in a meaningful way for each other. I loved the freedom, I loved that I could ask him to complete something I know he wants to complete without having to excuse that. Those things matter to me as much as the plates or him coming to bed clean and I'm allowed to feel that way.

Don't worry though if it all goes **** up I'll post that here too - but I'm hopeful!
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Old 08-10-2005, 11:56 AM
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((equus)) sounds like you are comfortable with it and as long as D is too i hope it enables (oowww somehow i don't even like to use that word in the good sense) you both to understand needs better.

i am happy for your happiness at this moment!
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Old 08-10-2005, 12:03 PM
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en·a·ble ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-nbl)
tr.v. en·a·bled, en·a·bling, en·a·bles

To supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity; make able: a hole in the fence that enabled us to watch; techniques that enable surgeons to open and repair the heart.
To make feasible or possible: funds that will enable construction of new schools.
To give legal power, capacity, or sanction to: a law enabling the new federal agency.
To make operational; activate: enabled the computer's modem; enable a nuclear warhead.
It's not a scary word - just one which is worth understanding. I think it is about enabling health, where we can in ourself and each other.
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Old 08-10-2005, 12:05 PM
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Sounds like a good plan for your relationship. Is D getting separate help for the depression and drinking?
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Old 08-10-2005, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by minnie
Sounds like a good plan for your relationship. Is D getting separate help for the depression and drinking?
For the depression he's on the waiting list for counselling through his GP + monthly visits to his GP.

The above is the treatment plan re the drinking. I realise it looks very strange but the logic of it was explained to us in detail. This approach doesn't deny or attempt to deny the impact relationships have on alcoholism or vice versa. Instead it attempts to use the positive influences a relationship can have on drinking and utalise the steps to recovery from drinking to have a positive influence on the relationship.

It's not a cop out because it leads to more complex tasks that surround D maintaining abstainence. We are both offered individual counselling through them on top but D wants to wait for that and she's happy this is a solid enough first step.

It can't be made to fit al-anon principles but it fits us better. I suppose the nearest you could get it to fit together with 12 step approaches might be if you saw a solid relationship as a higher power, that a good relationship is greater than the sum of it's individual parts.

They do not do realtionship counselling there - EVERYTHING has to be based around recovery. Me asking simple tasks of D surrounds both his need to be dependable and my need to rebuild trust, both important for recovery. His simple tasks to me involve habit because he wants me to understand what it's like to break hardened habits. They aren't random requests or I would have asked for a nightly massage!!
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Old 08-10-2005, 12:43 PM
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Oh, I wasn't trying to fit it into any 12 Step model, I just wanted to understand. Hope it works out for you both.
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Old 08-10-2005, 12:48 PM
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Look at us like guinnie pigs!! I promise to squeel like a stuck pig if it goes **** up! On the other hand, right now we both wanted alternatives that didn't make us feel like square pegs hammered into round holes. This appeals to the positives we see in our relationship and progress so far, it also tackles some of the negatives - but starting small.

Can you sense me small and fluffy, with a twitchy nose and a love of dandelion leaves?
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Old 08-11-2005, 09:30 AM
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I LOVE this paragraph:
D asked that I move empty fag packets, put my shoes under the dining room table, keep my petrol tank at least one quater full, and put the post in the same place every day.
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Old 08-11-2005, 10:21 AM
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^^ HEY!! these are real lifestyle changes! He no longer falls over my shoes while hunting down the post before getting in my car (wondering if it will need a push) with me moaning because I picked up an empty fag packet by mistake!!

But the meany hasn't given me any ticks yet and my petrol tank is full, my shoes are under the table, we got no post but I did throw a ciggy packet away!

I've given him two smiley faces so far... HUFF....
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Old 08-11-2005, 10:42 AM
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hahaha...look at it again:
D asked that I move empty fag packets, put my shoes under the dining room table, keep my petrol tank at least one quater full, and put the post in the same place every day.
With the exception of the word "shoes" -it required some thought for those of us on the other side of the big blue pond!
My translation was: You agreed to throw away your empty cigarette packs, keep some gas in your gas tank and put the mail in the same location every day! Oh, and put your shoes under the table! I just loved the language!
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