kimmyf1965

Ok so I've decided that I'm calling the domestic violence hotline on Friday morning to see if they can help me with my situation. I feel that my situation is totally different from most. (See some of my other post). What I guess I'm concerned about is that I was told by my counselor (yesterday) that if my AH reaches out to me for help getting him into some kind of rehab program I may need to help him find that place. I do love my husband even after everything he has done. I so much want things to work out. I want him to get the help and I think he will be one of those people that will. When he is sober he is an awesome man! Kind and caring to my needs as well as the childrens needs. If he is on a no contact order can I contact him? Or would I be violating that order? and if I did would the petition be dropped?
Secondly, if he goes to a treatment center I don't want to have any contact with him while he is gone. I guess I need some space to think about things. Is that bad?
I guess I'm trying to get my "ducks in a row" so that he can't say well you said this when all of this happens. I'm in the process of writing him a letter that will explain everything when he comes home and his family is "missing in action".
I hope I'm not just rattling on here and that you guys understand what I'm saying.

Thanks,
Kimmy

ASpouse

Please double check that with the counsellor. That sounds completely and utterly wrong. You don't have to help him do anything ....... he drinks, he gets violent, it's all his, it belongs to him ONLY.

FriendofBill

I did not read your other posts, however, you problem doesnt sound like it is any different than most of the people I know who are dealing with alcoholic loved ones. It sounds like the garden variety alcoholic-codependent struggle.

What I hear you saying is you want to obtain a restrainging order against your husband, yet you want to maintain contact with him at some point to help him obtain treatment,but you dont want to stay in contact once he gets there, even tho he hasnt asked for that help yet, because your therapist tells you that you should help him?

My question would be "If you are fearful enough to obtain a RO, if there is has been abuse, why on earth would you elect to put yourself back in harms way"? To help him dial the phone to get placed in rehab? Because your therapist says to do it?

Something doesnt sound right here.......How a licensed therapist/counselor could advise a client to put themselves in harms way, and to violate a court order, which is what an RO is, sounds insane. And yes, if you obtain one, and then contact him, you may be in violation. Beyond that, you would clearly be sending him a mixed message that you are not serious.

Hon, may I strongly suggest that if he wants treatment badly enough, he will find a way to get it. He is a grown man who can clearly find his way to get alcohol, he can get sober too. Isnt your life valuable enough to you to stay out of harms way and take care of you?

Luckyv2

Hey it veries from state to state but I don't understand that why you would want to violate that to begin with, and it sounds like you should probably not contact him. If he wants to get clean and sober than he will do what it takes, not for you or the kids but for him. Otherwords it will never work out, I have experience on that. Good luck to ya hope that you keep posting.

elizabeth1979

OH Kimmy,
I read your previos posts and I have been there. Hmm..perhaps your husband is secretely masquerading as my ex? Same exact thing, wouldnt let me leave, pulled phones out of the wall, took the battery out of my cell phone and on and on.

Mine finally left, although that was just yesterday so who knows if he will try and come back.

Heres my opinion. Does he have a DV history? Alcohol doesnt cause abuse, just lowers the inhibitions of someone capable of abuse. Mine has a DV history, and according to his counselor, needs Anger managment and DV counseling to fix that, not AA- thats for another problem.

No contact or restraining orders are for the abuser...you could contact him if you wanted, without being in trouble, you are the victim. You can contact whomever you want. If he contacts you and you feel comfortable with it, you can talk to him, the only way the police know that he violated it is basically if you or someone else tells them. It sounds like you may need one.
ITs a tough road, and will wear you out fast, as I am sure you know.

About rehab, maybe if he wants to go, that can be the time to get the no contact order...I think its perfectly acceptable to need time to think about things. Please remember, alcohol doesnt make an abuser....they are what they are.

Stay safe,
Sarah Elizabeth

kimmyf1965

My situation is different. I have a physically handicapped child that lives with me. I can not take care of him anywhere else because my house has been fixed up for his needs. My AH has been the one that has taken care of this childs day to day needs while I work. This is not his child. My child requires care 24 hours a day. Kory (my son) is an extremely bright little boy his needs are totally physical. I am willing to get out as I have been advised by so many people here. But it is going to be so hard taking care of Kory somewhere else. I know I will have to go back to "our" home. My AH has been wonderful about helping with Kory's needs. My husband has no family here and only a few friends. I've lived in the area all of my life and he's only been here 4 1/2 years. He dedicated himself to taking care of my child instead of working. I've worked for the same company for 19 years. He could handle lifting Kory when he got to heavy for me to handle. It made more sense for to maintain my career and him to move here and take over Kory's care. I make a decent living. He has no money and no decent friends because he has been a stay at home step dad for over 4 years. He did this for me!! Don't I owe him something for dropping his life to help me? I can't just put him on the street and not offer to help him!!!

herewegoagain

In my state, if you violate a restraining order you could potentially go to jail - regardless of who initiated the order.

I agree with the other posters in that at the very least, getting a restraining order and then contacting him is sending him a mixed message.

I read your other post. This man is a ticking time bomb. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your baby. You owe that to your child. He's a big boy - he can take care of himself.

minnie

What about if he kills you next time? Would that be enough of a sacrifice for you?

Look, we're all on your side here. I understand, as far as I am able, what a difficult situation you are in. You don't "owe" him anything. Did you force him to do this, or was it his choice? Was it selfless on his part? Or did the situation allow him to isolate himself and drink to his heart's content? What kind of life was he "dropping" to look after Kory?

Be very careful about believing this. He does not sound like the kind of guy who does things for other people. I know I don't know him, but I do know from you what he has done to you. I'm sorry, I don't buy into the idea that someone can be so wonderful on the one hand and then beat up and terrify the woman he professes to love.

Please get some clarity about this - the woman's shelter can help you do this.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Girlfriend

First off.....Minnie? Do you know how many people here really admire you? I see alot of them post with signatures from things you've said. They're quoting you! I think that's awesome!


kimmyf1965.....my heart hurts for you, hon! My ex husband wasn't an alcoholic, but he was very abusive physically and mentally. I lived with that for 8 years from when I was 16-24 and had two BEAUTIFUL kids with him.

I had to go to domestic violence therapy for 9 months and in there, I learned the cycle of abuse. There is always the violence and then the "honeymoon" period where they are "so sorry" and "will never do it again" and practically will beg you on their knees for you to take them back.

No one can stop being violent without help. They need to learn where it comes from (from within their past....their childhood/parents...etc.), when to recognize those feelings of violence and how to direct it in a positive way. It's like re-programming themselves. Teaching them a new way to handle their anger.

I haven't read your other posts, but if he's abused you when he's drunk or when he's sober, he's gonna continue. Girl.......you don't need that.

He may have helped you with your son and his needs (during his non-violent times), but that doesn't mean that you can't get help for your son through victim's assistance, social services. Find out what's available for you as far as your son's needs are in the county in which you live.

Don't keep your AH around just because he takes care of your son. You're not stuck in having to settle for him, there's help out there. He COULD kill you next time and then where would your son be?

Don't contact him while you have an R O on him. He will get mixed messages and will know that you still are "there" for him and that you'll still talk to him. That's all he's gotta know and when he knows that, he'll do anything to get back in the house. If that happens, Kimmy, he's gonna abuse you again. It won't stop.

Save yourself the heartache now and keep the restraining order on him. Take care of yourself and your family and he's gotta get help on his own, IF that's what he wants.

I just went through this with an ex AB. He's in rehab now, but I'm not sure he wanted to be there. I haven't talked to him and don't plan on it, but my gut tells me that he didn't do this rehab thing for him......he did it to stay outta jail and because I wanted him to go to rehab. (but, have since broken it off with him when he went in)

Listen to these people on here. We're all here for ya!

(((hugs)))

kimmyf1965

What I'm saying by "helping him" is that giving him information on rehad centers. There is one that I've been told is awesome. It a spiritual based. He had a horrible childhood with his dad & mom. He won't talk to either one of them. They divorced when he was small. I know that a lot of his problems stems from what he endured as a child. I guess I want to make it all better in some way. I know I can't!! I didn't cause this & I can't cure it. He needs some parenting classes, he needs to work some type of AA program, and he needs anger management classes. Maybe someday he will open his eyes and see what this has done to himself and us. I know it's going to hurt me but then again I'm already hurting.

Thanks again for listening everyone!!! I really appreciate all of your comments!!! Sometimes when I read what you write to me it cuts me like a knife and you want to get defensive but then I realize that you are all trying to help and everyone has a different view.

minnie

Hon, my ex too had a bad childhood, little healthy parenting and needs lots of help. I told him this time last year that I was leaving unless he got counselling, so he did. He went to AA for 4 months. He talked the talk. You know what? He is STILL drinking and nothing is changing. He was only doing it so that I wouldn't leave him. But I did, and that still wasn't enough for him to get the help that I think he needs. The only way it ever works is if they get help when they want it.

You know in your heart that there is no justification for mistreating you. By all means give him the information about the rehab. It would be miles better if he were to ask for it first, though. He has fingers that work, right? So he is capable of dialing the number.

We are always here to listen. You won't always hear what you want to hear, but many times it will be what you NEED to hear.

kimmyf1965

I totally agree Minnie!! He is very capiable of dialing a phone. He's been here 4 1/2 years and really doesn't know his way around because he hasn't had the chance to get out too much on his own. That's the only reason I feel the need to at least hand him a pamplet. I am sending him a letter that will explain everything. Now instead of contacting him I'm just attaching the information. Then it will be up to him to make the call. My letter is simply to tell him that I cannot and will not tolerate his behavior and that I will not expose the kids to anymore violent episodes. I'm simply stating the facts. I'm not going into the details of "IF" you get help. I am worried about him but I can't under any circumstances fall into his trap again!! His promises mean nothing to me. He has to walk the walk.

Thanks so much for your advise!!!