Fire_Wind_Rain

My history is in the newbie section. In a nutshell, where I'm at today is I've taken only 2 Percocet, it's 3:20pm, and I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I didn't realize it's been that long since I've only taken 4, and I'm used to taking 2 at a whack. At this point normally, I've taken 5-6. I didn't realize how bad only taking 2 would make me feel. I realize this is chump change for some, but I feel like I have the flu, I've been angry all day, and I sit here crying trying not to yell at my kids as I type because it's not their fault, but they are having a typical "I'm bored on a summer day and I'm going to act like a nightmare" day as well which is hard. My 18 year old just left in a huff, so no help there. My weed addicted dh will be home in an about 2 hours, so I'll take my last 2 of the day right before he gets home, both because I won't be able to combat the pain on my own anymore, and I can't be feeling like this when he walks in the door or I might kill him.

Those in the know, again, I normally take on average about 8 a day. Is going down to 4 too much too soon? Should I go to 6 then to 4? Or am I just trying to justify myself?

Time2Surrender

Try and get down to zero.In the mean time I am glad you are here at SoberRecovery.

Fire_Wind_Rain

What's your experience with pain and painkillers if you don't mind me asking? Thanks in advance.

Time2Surrender

Other than one of my best friends ever overdosing and it costing her life,not much.Just trying to give a little support.

Fire_Wind_Rain

Hoping you had some insight as to how you personally were able to cut down to none, as that too is my goal. Don't know if you read my post in the new section. If you did, to add to it, I was able to cut myself off of all pain and muscle relaxers 16 weeks after my first fusion surgery. Now with this second fusion surgery, I have about 5 pounds of metal hinges and screws fused to my lower back. I questioned yesterday if it's possible that screws are hitting my muscles bilaterally causing the pain. He can't determine that yet. I told him yesterday I wanted to get down to zero meds, and I didn't want to just be shoved under the rug with my pain level in the meanwhile. If I quit to zero now, I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed due to pain, and I'd probably find a way to blow my head off. It's almost a concious altering pain.

Thanks for the ear and support. I followed one of your links btw, and see you're in something associated with Hot Rods? I have a baby myself. A burgandy 66' Mustang I've affectionately named Johnny with a black vinyl top. He's kind of thrashed right now, but he's in the process of being restored.

Covenant

Tapering rarely works... In addition to illicit drugs and have an affinity for pain meds. Actually any opiate will do, thank you very much. But you sound like you actually need the meds. This may not be a popular response here, but have you considered that you might need to continue on some kind of opiate based medication for some extended period of time? You should really talk to your doctor, express your concerns and worries and work from there. I know it scares you that you have to take more to get the pain relief you need, but that is the unfortunate nature of opiates. Again..just food for thought...

Fire_Wind_Rain

Yes my doctor and I have talked about possibly needing long term pain management. What bothers me, and what drove me to seek anyone with the same experience was the funky flu like, physical symptoms that are starting to come with it. I had noticed once before about 4 months ago that this was happening, but I'm not sure at the time how it went away as I've never taken the full amount per day prescribed to me. Not even once. When I started looking at side effects, I realize that this is withdrawyl symptoms, and I need to check myself and try to get off them if at all possible. Never wanted them to begin with. Never wanted to have the fusion. My back was broken by an out of control client during a physical restraint. Not much of a choice.

I met my goal, fought through the pain, and stayed with just 4 all day yesterday. That was such an accomplishment, and even if it doesn't sound like much, it was a mountain to me. My son woke up sick at 3:50am, and I am now in wracking pain, but you know what? It's ok. I just need to keep talking this through. Thanks again.

day2day

Hmm. I think covenant has a point. I too, have an affinity for pain meds, specifically vicodin. I hate the taste of alcohol, I tried oxycotin once and hated it (too strong), I don't smoke, but I am POWERLESS before a bottle of vicodin. Powerless, I tell you.

That said, it seems that you are still in a world of pain. Are you getting "high" from your meds? If not, if you're just using them so that you can get out of bed in the morning without shrieking in agony, I think that you may still need to be on them. Probably not what you wanted to hear.

But what do I know? Not much. Good luck, and keep talking to your doctor.

Fire_Wind_Rain

If I were to dissect it, I guess the "high" I get comes from the relaxation of the anxiety. Does that make sense? It's like, when I'm at my peak level of pain, everything is excruciating. My son cries, and it's like he's screaming when he's not. The cat meows, and it's like a lion roaring, the water dripping becomes a waterfall, etc. Like I said before, it's almost a concious altering pain to me, like someone is taking the muscles in my back and ripping them, or grabbing my hips and trying to split me apart. So I guess if I were to try to look at it in that manner, it's like a euphoric feeling when that edge is taken off and I can get up and walk around, or be able to sit at the computer, or take a hot bath or whatever without being worried I'm going to fall because my hip gives out or whatever as I've embarrasingly done before. The anxiety melts away with the pain, so yeah, there is a certain level of "high" there because I can get up and get stuff accomplished. I get very anxious, almost claustraphotic in my own body when I am locked into the pain, and it's very soothing when I am released from that. It's very hard to describe.

Covenant

I hate it that you have to suffer over this decision..It doesn't seem fair... Opiates are so abusable, but there are people who NEED to use them. Non-narcotic meds just don't work for them. It sounds like that is you. If you really are worried enough about it to want to quit, if wish you the best. I have the utmost respect for what you are trying to do. I just want you to know that I don't think you have any reason to feel guilt or shame for using the meds you need to survive your daily pain. Please don't beat yourself up if you need to use those meds to get out of bed. That is what they are for, and you are doing nothing except using them properly. Be strong in whatever you decide and you will always find support from me either way...

Fire_Wind_Rain

Thank you. I'm between a rock and a hard spot today. I've gone longer in not taking doses. It's 5:30pm and I've only taken 2, with no funky flu like stuff, but I'm in horrible pain. BLAH! I appreciate the support.

In memory of miracle

I was also addicted to pain med's. The withdrawal is tough I know. I have been thru it more times then I care to tell. Personally, I think it is best to be detoxed in a medical facility. I also suffer from chronic pain, and I myself do not take painkillers of any kind, except for tylenol or anti-inflammatories. Your brain builds up more pain receptors while on narcotic pain med's,so the pain does get worse before it gets better. For me it was best not to go it alone, I went to detox and use a support group as my means of recovery today. Good luck. Bless.

Gooch

I've had 4 or 5 occasions in 14 years of recovery where I was prescribed different pain killers and even though these were some of my favorites in active addiction, I've managed to use them as prescribed and taper off within several days of initially having been prescribed. I have 4 plates and 19 screws in my nose, right cheek, and around my eye socket from a motorcycle accident. In April I had surgery fro a recurrent umbilical hernia and they installed a mesh made of kevlar or teflon or some such material. I felt like I had literally lain across a table saw. They sent me out of that hospital 3 hrs after they put the anestesia to me after 2 shots of morphine and a percoset. I had a prescription for a 10 day supply of Hydrocodone and at first I was waiting for the 4 hrs to go by so I could take the next one. After 2 days I was stretching them out and by the 4th day I was at 2 /day. Day 5 and I was done, although I held onto the remainder for a few days until I was sure i could get by with advil or alleve.

The 3 things I believe make it possible for me to use painkillers responsibly under doctors orders are

1) I know I'm an addict and I've used my dance card up.

2) I am accountable for my recovery.. it's my responsability to tell my support group and make arrange,ments to have someone "check up on me" if necessary. I'm nottaking any chances so I always just asume it's necessary.

3) It says that God could and would do for me what I can't do for myself so I make sure and ask him.


Thats not to say that any time it has been a cake walk to take medication and then have to kiss the mothers little helpers goodbye. In fact the last go round with teh Hydrocodone was horrible. I think I'm still feeling recurring pyschological withdrawl 2 months later.

Same drill .. meetings, sponsorship. prayer and meditation, and reaching out. I get a little hope when I offer some encouragement to another addict who's suffering as I know we can do this easier than I can go it alone.

Tapering can work for you, if you set a reasonable goal and make yourself accountable to a family member, sponsor, or sig other that you trust is really trying to help.

I'll be in your corner and put a good word into the Boss for your comfort and serenity during this trial.

Hang in there.

Fire_Wind_Rain

Thank you. I'm right there with ya Gooch in terms of the accountability factor. I have it put on all my hospital/surgical paperwork, doctor's notes, etc. etc. that I am a recovering addict.

That would be my best friend who has also been around the program since she was a small girl. She deals with chronic pain so she has the compassion, but she has just enough bitch in her that she slaps me down when I need it without riding me like a donkey like my dad would, or using it for some verbal torture later like my using husband would.

It's 7:13pm, yes I'm counting by minutes today it's that bad, and I've only taken 2 all day still! Woot! Thanks for sharing your story. It's stories like that which convince me I can do it somehow someway.

Time2Surrender

A 66 Mustang? Thats cool. You must have found the link to a little forum I have called HotRodders in Recovery.Aother member of this board actually helped me put the place together.Hopefully you can post some photos of "Johnny"(even if he is in the process of being restored) As for the meds,sorry I cant really be much help.I never used prescription drugs myself.My only experience with this was my girlfriends mother who had back problems for years and was hooked on pain killers.One day she and my girlfriend were in a car accident.My girlfriend was killed instantly and her mother survived.We became best friends.She had pins and wires all up and down her back.She was always in pain.her addiction to the meds also got worse and worse.I took care of my girlfriends mother everyday for two years.In April of 2002 she overdosed and died.Wish I could be more help.I didnt mean to sound like a smart-a$$ in my first post.But,when I see someone new and also notice nobody has replied to their thread yet I try and post at least something.This is a great site for people looking for support.

angelgirl

Hi there. I believe I posted to you in the newcomers section. Most likely, you will see more people come along and respond to you here about pain kllers.
I am a pain killer addict. My DOC is percocet. Loved them. they sure did not love me though. They are mean and evil.
I didn't get from you that you were asking about staying on them, I think from your posts you want to get off them, and you realize you have a problem.
I lagree very much with Miraclen. I think it is very difficult to do it on your own. But I realize from your last post (i think) that you did not want anyone to know. Do you think it would be easier in the long run to tell your dad. He may really understand, and help you through this. It is a very difficult thing to hide. I have detoxed at home, but I never made it long, I would go a couple days with nothing,, and the anxiety, and illness would be oo much for me, and I'd think, ok, just one, but you know that never lasts. I'd be right back at it.
I even had a nurse one time, she was a nurse practitioner in a mental helth office, she tried to help me taper dow, but that didn't work either.
I ended up in detox, about 5 times. July 6, will be 3 months for me. Although it feels like much longer
So for me, cold turkey had to be the way to go. I believe tapering prolongs the pain. Instead of getting past it in a few days, or week, you end up being in pain the whole time you taper, and after. That is how I feel about it, and my experience with tapering. To easy to just take one more, and one more....
Can you talk to your doctor? I just think it is very hard to hear. I learned in treatmment that often and addict will leave a door open for using, meaning that even when it seems that we tell everyone about our recovery, often an addict will leave at least one person in the dark, not tell them, so you have that open door for opportunity to use again. That one person left. If that makes sense to you?? Is it time to just open up, and let people know, so you can get help?
Keep posting... It helps alot.. You sound like a very strong person to me, from your last post... You can do this..
Love, Becky--Aquarius (just read your post in WIR)

icefalcon

hey fire_wind_rain, don't know much about pain killers(to much of a control freak to be out of control) have had to use them in the past but got off as soon as i could.
had an accident in 1978. i fell off a 2 story building(long story) i was layed up for 2 weeks could not move, even with pain killers. to make a long story short i had problems for years after until a freind took me to an accupuncturist. have not had a problem with my back since!! ( except when i put on acouple of pounds, ha ha)

go luck, let us know how its going