darla

I'm dating this great guy. We have a fabulous relationship, very passionate and honest. I think he is what you would call a functional alcoholic. He went to work, coached baseball, met his responsibilities, etc. Having hospitalized himself to detox, he's been sober for a month and attends meetings daily. The problems is, I'm having problems adjusting to his personality change. Before becoming sober, he was very affectionate and passionate, talkative. Now he barely touches me, not even a kiss. Is this just part of the recovery process? I do not want to side track him with my "needs". I can be patient and wait, but I just need to know if what we're going through is normal. I've been attending Al-Anon meetings, but haven't spoken to anyone about this - I feel kind of ackward. Thanks everyone.

Stephanie

Hi Darla,

Welcome! I read your post and saw that you were new. The wonderful and very supportive people on this board will be along soon to address all of your concerns. They have a lot more experience with all of this than me, but I wanted to say hi and tell you that your not alone and there is help for what's bothering you. I just remember posting a message on this board in desperation and just waiting for someone to answer me. Soooo, even though I may not provide the answers to your questions, I wanted to assure you that you have come to the right place.


Searching

Morning Glory

Hi Darla,

Welcome to the forum. Everyone is different in their recovery. My son is wonderful when he doesn't drink and abusive when he drinks.

Some possible reasons might be that he is protecting his emotions right now. I don't really know much, but I think they handle pain and stress by medicating themselves with alcohol. I know that when I'm under a lot of stress I can't even handle talking to people.

I think the wall works both ways. If your going to hold in your pain then you can't let anyone else in either. The door swings both ways.

Give him some time to open up. He is in an unsafe new world right now. He is learning to deal with things in a whole new way.

Others who have experienced this will also be along to offer suggestions.

Be good to yourself right now and find other ways to get your needs met.

Hugs,
MG

journeygal

Hi Darla and welcome!

During the first, oh, 4 (maybe 5, maybe 6! ) months or so of my husband's recovery there was no affection, no sex, none of that. And my husband is very affectionate towards me. But the first few months of recovery are very hard, and I've heard and read that it has a huge affect on a couple's sex life and intimacy. It's hard to deal with, especially for codependents like me who take such rejection personally. But believe me, it has nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend is just dealing with a lot of different emotions, feelings, guilt, etc, and it will be hard for him to connect with you right now. And be patient b/c it may take a while for him to work through and be able to deal with those feelings. Things do get better so try to hang in there.

Keep coming back - there are a lot of wise people here that have helped me tremendously!

sugar52

hi darla, welcome to a good place. i would like to share what was put to me by a couselor . i asked why i felt coldness and withdrawal from my husband in rehab and still do during this attempt for sobriety. my couselor said that being sober for me was easy, and that getting sober is all consuming for him. she told me to think about what was happening in the family and not worry too much about anything except myself. i've found that i am so incredibly reactive to his every breath that i lost my focus on myself. it sounds like change is coming to your relationship and the both of you. i know it feels real scary right now, but take it from me, change is good and if you're like me i've prayed for change. i think it's hard to let it in, but trust me , changes in my life are happening with little steps toward recovery. i think it's real hard but well worth it. i'll send you a hug. my husbands been pretty grumpy through his new sobriety so i think i know what that feels like. someone told me here"hands off the alchoholic", i listened and learned a little from thinking about that one.
cheer up and try not to worry, let god and let go and talk it over here with the old-timers. they've got a lot of experience on working on recovery!!

Cajun girl

Welcome. I have similiar experiences with my A. I can tell you that for my A, being close, in proximity is some days all we have. It's all he can give. I've grown to appreciate different aspects of love, before he was sober our relationship was different. My councelor says that being in a relationship through its ups and downs builds intimacy. Funny thing, even without an active sex life, I do feel closer to him. Last week he told me I was his best friend..... We'll see. Just thought I would share that. Welcome again...