brokensoul

I am going to immediately regret this once I hit send but I must try this.

I have been using cocaine for almost a year now. My perception of reality is completely twisted. I am no longer that man I once was. That evil little being has broken free and consumed me. He's been there all along. Just waiting to kill me and take over. He's in charge now. I'm not dead, just hiding in the corner. I don't know what to do.

I can't talk to anyone. I'm too terrified at what they'll think. I can't bring myself to talk to God, he knows I'm full of ****. I know he loves me because I'm still here. I wish I knew why.

I don't want this life anymore but I'm too tired/lazy/scared/ to change. My ambition and desire have been completely sapped.

I tried the meetings and hospital. Made it 58 days. Got saved as well. I have discovered that almost everyone around me is pretending, just as I have been my whole life.

It's not that I'm addicted to cocaine. I'm addicted to anything that makes me feel good.

I have tried to figure out why in the hell I have ended up here. Why is it that nothing in my life compares to sex, drugs, or alcohol? My reasons are the same as most of the other people I guess.

I have come to the terrifying realization that I have been so totally screwed up for so long on so many different levels that it's amazing I have managed the facade for so long.

Cocaine brought everything out now. Everyone in my family knows what I've been hiding. They blame my wife for all my troubles. I picked the perfect mate. Both of us are broken down souls. I knew she would yes. She says yes to almost everything. I've torn her down to where there's only a shell of her left as well. She won't leave. Nowhere to go now. No one to go to.

I keep thinking I'll return to power one day. Until then, I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk myself into disappearing and hiding from everyone, but I'm too scared. I feel hopeless but not suicidal, too scared of that too.

I'm just a scared little boy in the corner, waiting for something to happen.

Time2Surrender

Welcome to SoberRecovery.No use in waiting for something to happen.Only you can make things change.From what I gathered in your post,most of your words seem to be from someone coming down off dope.When you had 58 days,didnt you start feeling at least a little bit better? You did it once do it again.Get to a meeting,find a sponsor and start doing the steps.Nothing changes if nothing changes.Recovery is hard work,but very much worth every bit of it.I have felt the same way you are feeling.Today,I am loving life.If I can do this anyone can.

golf99

Broken...I feel your pain. I still feel like..."where the hell am i". I'm only clean for 7 days. (prescrip. drugs. hydrocodone 10-12 a day for 2.5-3 years) god, i feel like i've lost me. But i know...I WILL RETURN...AS YOU WILL. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!JUST GOD DA#N, DO IT!!!

mendingheart

Dear Golf,
hang in there. You will come out of it......have the courage to be the man you can...do not sell yourself short. You only have today, take one day at a time.

QueenShenique

Everyone around you is pretending? In 58 days you haven't even gotten your head out of the fog--how can you tell what's what. In addition--sobriety is a process if you choose 12 step recovery. That requires working steps with a sponsor which will create in us a psychic change. We overcome the spiritual malady by connecting with a Higher Power. That's where the strength comes from that allows us to be free of the compulsion/need to alter with drugs/alcohol etc. Everything I have ever loved has been illegal, immoral or fattening. With the help of meetings, sponsor, steps and most of all the Force I'm finding freedom. I haven't sworn off nor am I resisting, I've been placed in the neutrality referred to in the Big Book of AA--no longer interested in the stuff that was killing me. I encourage you to go back to meetings and try it again with a little more willingness, honesty and openmindedness. You quit five minutes too soon. Good luck. Blessings

roadie58

Do you have 58 days sober right now? Or have you had that in the past? First, you're NOT afraid to talk to people because you're here. Secondly, your profile says you're from NOWHERE, but you have to be SOMEWHERE- can you tell us which state you live in, maybe a little about who you were before the cocaine? Tell us anything that won't hurt you to talk about, music, sports, family, history, just a hint at where you used to be. Maybe we can help you find your way home if you're feeling lost.

Anna

Hi Brokensoul,

I'm sorry for your pain and I understand what it feels like to be lost. But, you can reclaim your life and move forward. You have reached out and SR is a great place for information and support.

Love, Anna

Chy

Welcome Brokensoul!
Stick around you'll find so much support, friendship and genuine care here. Your at a turning point so which way you want to go? Finding a means of support was key for me, I had to be around sober and clean people who wanted the same thing I did, together, one day at a time we found a way. It's your turn!

golf99

Queen...where is the love?

Time2Surrender

(((Brokensoul))) I hope you come back.

bikewench

Hey ....

A Warm welcome to Sober Recovery...



Yup... me too...

Till I hit the spot in addiction where it starts to sink in that "it" just ain't workin anymore...

Like.. an ... addictive pause...

The need had become general... and anything would do to try to shut it the F up.

I felt a generalized hopelessness... as I went from one substance to another....

Till that one day that nothing worked. The pain of my life was so bad... I couldn't run from it anymore.


I started feeling relief the very first 12 step meeting I went to.




Something is happening...
You came here.. ;o)

Evanna

Hello Brokensoul,
Thank-you so much for your straight-up sharing. I know that place you are talking about. I am in my second year clean now and beginning to find the women i once was. I am beginning to find my power again. Actually the truth of it is that although i know there was a time before the drugs when i felt more sure of who i was, i think that was always a shaky reality. My confidence even back then was built on real thin foundations. Slowly i am building a more solid foundation today.

For a long time clean i thought i could never be happy. You see i just had no resources for living life without drugs. It was simply the way i had dealt with everything.....whatever it was good or bad...i just took more drugs to get through.

When i used drugs the self-hatred was crippling. When i put down the drugs i felt depressed and miserable for a long time. I never experienced the honeymoon period i hear some people talk of. For a long time all i did was not use. Getting through the day was so damned hard. Yet one day i woke up and realised that i wasnt depressed anymore. That i was actually beginning to like my life.

I am not sure what i am trying to say here. I think it is something along the lines of a day at the time, give this time. Be gentle with yourself. You can do this. There is a different way to be as you obviously already realise from what you have said. I really hope you stick around.

Hugs
Evanna.

roadie58

Hey Broken, just stopped in to see if you were feeling any different. My sponser has a phrase 'this too shall pass', which unfortunately also works when things are going too well. But I hope you crawl out of the funk and feel better soon. God gave you a great day today, what did you do with it. I too hang my head some days, but friends tell me what a great guy I am and it does wonders. Do you have any support where you live? Have a good night, maybe tomorrow will be better okay?

brokensoul

Thanks for the comments... I know we each have at least a few similar chapters. I read each of your comments and I appreciate them. Unfortunately I was 58 days, now I'm like 6 days.
It's 3:00 am again and I'm scared to go to sleep.
I don't really depend on my family for support, half of them are elated that I have fallen from grace. The other just wants more dirt to sling around. I am taking my Meds from the clinic, but the nightmares that accompany them are horrific. I know a part of me wants to quit but I know I haven't hit bottom yet, because I'm only half-ass attempting. I just want to go to sleep and wake up with the last year erased, ya know, like a do-over? Um, yes sir, I'd like one do-over for the last year please? Man, if, I'd only saved my progress last year, I could reload to the save point...wait this is reality, not a game.
It's not that simple or easy. in March, I checked myself into the hospital ( then checked myself out 3 weeks later), went to a meeting everday for nine days ( not 30), went to the gym evreyday ( for 3 weeks), went to church, started eating right...and blah,blah,blah.... The whole time, that voice laughing his ass of at me. I came up with excuses to stop all of the above, then after a few manipulations found my self with my drug in front of me, and went to town.

So, I know I'm not ready to quit, yet I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my
if-I-keep-doing-this-short-ass life. As I write this my connection is out getting it for tomorrow. I already called it off, then back on. I need to be punched in the face.
Actually, what I'm really scared of, is that I won't quit. That I'm just writing this to satisfy the urge to quit. I'm so slick I don't even know when I'm BSing me.

I know all of you are relating and have heard it before. Sorry for the redundancy. I'm just sick of keeping this stuff in. As you know, I can list 100 "reasons" why I can't quit, but the truth must be that I don't want to. Otherwise I would have.

I went to the meetings, but I didn't get that connection that everyone talks about. I kept going and even tried some AA. Every time we left, it made me want it even more.

anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for listening, you too Queen

p.s. I did have a great day, I spent it playing games with my son.

nite all

sumtimes slowly

Dear Brokensoul,

Your words take me right back. I remember waiting and wondering (I later saw this as powerlessness, but that was OK--I needed that). I even tried to arrange an intervention for myself, being that no one called anymore (not even Mom!), so that I might be forced to cease. I'd look at the calendar and wonder what day it would stop (not while I had money or resources left that's for sure). I kept looking for the right way to say goodbye to an old friend (that had become venomously evil).

Before I "got it" I went to over ten 28 day recovery "hotels" and numerous detox's and county facilitites. I had enough newcomer chips to shingle a roof (hence my name)

Sobriety happened with a wimper after I woke up to a beautiful sunny day and didn't want to miss it for some reason. I went to where others were going through the same thing. I finally just did everything they tell you to do to the best of my ability. I focused on me for while because I decided I was going to treat myself like a gentleman for change. Later, I even forgave myself.

That's was nearly 11 years ago. Been continuously sober since. But I was right where you are. The only logical expanation after working 12 steps is that I'm a miracle. That's my ONLY expectation: is that today will be another miracle. Even crappy days are doable.

So why don't you be good to yourself and get into the solution. Tomorrow has a funny way of being the sum of our todays. Do something different for just today.

Once, at the lowest point in my life, I tried to meditate (listening for an answer to a prayer), was having no luck, grabbed the Gideon's, flicked the pages (knowing HP doesn't like to talk this way) anyway, put my finger on a passage that said something like this:

"I know you feel pain son. I am with you. Know that it is when you are weakest that you are strongest because that is when you are the closest to me."

Your best years are ahead of you!

Thanks for my sobriety,

sumtimes slowly

bikewench

Broken....

Your speaking the words of every addict out there,...
Different substances... but... the dynamics and the wreakage are pretty much the same....

Well.. one thing I've proven to myself is that I'll stop doing something when the pain of doing it is greater than the pain of not...

Whatever your path...
I'm sure it couldn't hurt to keep coming back to SR...
Stay in touch.. ya know..?

may

Don't be afraid to talk to God. Your right - He knows your full of s***. He knows everything you've done and thought. And He still Loves you. So doesn't that make Him worth talking to and trusting? He might be the only one who can help you, so let Him.
Good luck - May

spirit30

"no longer the man you once were???"

Do you want to be that man? Do you remember who he was? Something led you to get hooked in the first place. The man you once were must have had some issues if he chose numbness over life. Whatever those issues were, i'll bet they're still there. Perhaps continuing to use is protecting you from facing that man (little boy) and his issues. When you do face that little boy(and i'm sure at some point you will), it will be difficult. Because you will no longer take the easy way out. You'll deal with the little boys issues. But there's a VERY happy ending to this story...you'll be 10 times the man you ever were.

Intellectuals like you are always too hard on themselves...spending their lives fullfilling others' expectations.

indigo

Hi
I've been there and back and..... so have two of my son's, you can get better and the hardest (and easiest to want) so get on the bus , welcome and keep on posting.

indigo