scared little boy
I am going to immediately regret this once I hit send but I must try this.
I have been using cocaine for almost a year now. My perception of reality is completely twisted. I am no longer that man I once was. That evil little being has broken free and consumed me. He's been there all along. Just waiting to kill me and take over. He's in charge now. I'm not dead, just hiding in the corner. I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to anyone. I'm too terrified at what they'll think. I can't bring myself to talk to God, he knows I'm full of ****. I know he loves me because I'm still here. I wish I knew why.
I don't want this life anymore but I'm too tired/lazy/scared/ to change. My ambition and desire have been completely sapped.
I tried the meetings and hospital. Made it 58 days. Got saved as well. I have discovered that almost everyone around me is pretending, just as I have been my whole life.
It's not that I'm addicted to cocaine. I'm addicted to anything that makes me feel good.
I have tried to figure out why in the hell I have ended up here. Why is it that nothing in my life compares to sex, drugs, or alcohol? My reasons are the same as most of the other people I guess.
I have come to the terrifying realization that I have been so totally screwed up for so long on so many different levels that it's amazing I have managed the facade for so long.
Cocaine brought everything out now. Everyone in my family knows what I've been hiding. They blame my wife for all my troubles. I picked the perfect mate. Both of us are broken down souls. I knew she would yes. She says yes to almost everything. I've torn her down to where there's only a shell of her left as well. She won't leave. Nowhere to go now. No one to go to.
I keep thinking I'll return to power one day. Until then, I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk myself into disappearing and hiding from everyone, but I'm too scared. I feel hopeless but not suicidal, too scared of that too.
I'm just a scared little boy in the corner, waiting for something to happen.