Liam

It hurts like hell to have to do this-- but after 6 weeks of being clean (but not sober) I fell two nights ago. It wasn't by accident it was fully intended. I'm able to stay off for a month maybe two and then I use again. More clean time, just a little but longer than the last time and then I exhale and relax and boom-- I'm back to recommitting to a new start again. If that isn't a sign that I've got an addiction then I don't know what is.

I'm calling a sponsor and really going to take the program seriously. Sober is going to be sober-- not even one drink.

If anyone can help me on a regular basis I would be appreciative. Now is actually the easy part. I've had no problem keeping straight for weeks at a time BUT it's always when I feel "NORMAL" that I slip. I'm trying to figure out if things are getting better or worse. Sometimes I feel like my disease is getting stronger. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better at understanding it-- maybe it's both.

Prayers and help would be great. And if anybody can relate with me it would help me to hear your stories.

Thanks,

Liam

roadie58

well my friend, looks like we are in the same boat, so let's both stay tuned to these threads and help each other. I tend to get around 60 days, then the cravings take over. Going to a meeting right now CIAO!

Liam

Thanks buddy-- I appreciate the post. My morning was pretty shaky-- going to work after a lost weekend is just horrible. But I got through it, worked my ass off and feel tons better. Physically I feel O.K. -- now comes my new challenge-- taking what I've learned and felt yesterday to heart and making it push into tomorrow.

My challenge is not going to be this weekend, the next or even the next. It'll be 3/4 weeks beyond now-- when my the remembrances of the crap are fading. I'm making contact with a sponser tomorrow and putting together a plan for success. I know if I do the same stuff I've always done I will end up in the same place at sometime. I hope you can help and I hope I can help you too. How about a post at least once a day to check in and see how we are doing?

Good work on not calling your dealer back-- that's probably a tough thing to do as you come down.

Peace,

Liam

roadie58

Liam, lets call this thread your journal or your daily struggle, mine is the one called I'm Alive. Good places to check up on each other. What was your last binge like? Just the weekend? Drinking + ???. How does it feel after a day's work? I could barely do anything today, partly cause I'm way overweight. What do you do for living if I could ask? I work for myself which takes a lot of motivation that personally I don' t have right now. SPent last night up late msging to Richey which seemed to help. I do AA meetings which are pretty loosly structured and let us talk about anything really, and believe in the concept of two alcoholics/addict helping each other. That's what we're doing right here. Hope you sleep well, will check in tomorrow, okay?

angelgirl

Hey there.. My name is Becky. Nice to meet you. I am an addict. I have been on the same roller coaster as you in the past. But I also believe that the other times when I became clean, I really wasn't quite sure yet that clean was the way I wanted to live the rest of my life. So, I got clean, worked it a bit, but never really worked on those "deep down" feelings and emotions that lead me straight back to the drugs. I know I am only 9 weeks into my recovery this time, but to me it these 9 weeks have felt like forever, and I believe part of that is I really feel like somewhat of a different person. I AM getting all that crap out of me, all that deep down personal agony, that kept me going back. I do have a very long way to go, you will see that if you read some of my recent posts. But I am working on all of those issues in my life. I really need to do that.
I also truly believe that it took me ALL those relapses to get to this point. I apparently needed all those relapses to make me say NO MORE!! I am working as hard as I can at this. I am giving it my all!! I go to an intensive outpatient group, and honestly, most of the people in there are court ordered to go to this treatment group, I am not, I go because I know I NEED to be there. I am NOT trying to make myself sound ANY better, because I DO know I AM NOT. I really struggle with low self esteem, as I'm sure most or all of us do. But in the beginning of my group, I was angry often, because I was the only person in the room, spillin my guts out every session. The other were like Oh, everything is going fine..... and so on. That ticked me off. I felt stuipid, like they must really think I'm a loser , all these problems. Then one day, I realised that the others in my group ARE being forced to go, and maybe they just haven't realized just how bad off either they are, or how much LOWER they could go, if they continue the same life style, adn they say every meeting life is fine... But I am tghere for MYSELF, and if I did not continue to spill my guts and get all my problems out of me, I would continue to stay sick. So my point here is I needed to really get EVERYTHING out of me, in order to get better. SR is a GREAT resource for me, and I would possibly be in trouble without it, I NEED more than SR. I need alot of help, if I really want to truly have recovery.
Well, I hope this wasn't to long, adn I hope it helped in some way. I hope you are seeking some type of outside help, we all need it, even if we don't know it. SR is wonderful like I said, and I hope you both continue to come here and let it all out.
LOVE, Becky

roadie58

Hi Liam, good morning to another day that God has given you (if it's okay by you to talk in those terms). I've posted to I'm Alive with my daily plans. Do you have plans for staying clean today? Please post later and I'll check in again.

Have a super day!

Liam

Thanks Roadie and Becky-- it's great to talk and to listen. I can't stay long because I'm off to work again but I will post more info later on today. I hope the both of you have a great day and stay safe.

Later,

Liam

splendra

((((Liam)))

It is good to see you back!! Be gentle with yourself and take it one breath at the time if you need to. Keep posting...

Liam

Thanks guys for your support. It's great to see the posts when I get home. It helps tremendously.

Had another good day. Busy though. I work with graphics and video production and I finished a tough project today and feel pretty good about it.
It feels great to be back in the rhythm of working again. You see weekdays are never a problem for me. It's always weekends. I never used coke to make myself feel better. It was always a reward.

Although I love the prospect of a weekend (who doesn't) I always feel a sense of dread before one. Partly because I've only used on weekends ever-- and that sense of relaxing that everyone feels brings me great anxiety now. The excuse to take it easy sometimes has taken me on an all night binge that wrecks me emotionally and spiritually.

My real desire is to get back to a sense of happiness and fulfillment I had where drugs and/or alchohol weren't a factor. To do that though I need to do some reprogramming and trust that my emotions are still tapped into recent patterns. Those patterns have been to use once every 1 to 2 months.

My issue is that I've never fully given up drinking and I believe that that is what leads me back everytime. I'm fully confident that if I stay off booze I'll stay off coke. What's hard is that I'm a pretty moderate drinker-- except when I pull oblivion over myself. Not one person I know considers me a problem drinker-- my problem has always been intensely private.

But nonetheless this is something I must do and with all your help will do. Like I said before today was pretty good. My thoughts are good and my prayers are with you. Another day past-- preparing for tomorrow.

Will talk with you soon,

Liam

roadie58

Good day for you too Liam, what you need is a new reward system. Mine was the opposite of yours - I always started with the coke, then needed the drinks to put out the fire in my brain. How else can you reward yourself? New toys, clothes, movie or good dinner out? Instead of giving $$ to the dealer, blow it on yourself, or pay off a bill and feel good about that.

Maybe try making plans for the weekend so you're not bored. Do you enjoy travel? If you get in the car and get out of town you'll be away from your dealer. Just don't touch the minibar if you're in a hotel. How bout camping? Hardly ever find a bar at a state park.

Have a good night and we'll talk tomorrow.

Liam

Thanks Roadie. Actually going to a baseball game tonight which will be fun with a buddy who's booze free. Looking forward to it. Hope you had a good day.

Liam

angelgirl

Hi there Roadie, Hi there Liam!!!
Sounds to me Like you both are doing VERY well That's great. Also very good to see you both posting here everyday. That helps so much. Roadie, you sound like an interesting person. All those ideas you gave Liam for things to do. Do you do much camping? When I was growing up, we camped ALL summer, from about May or so, until Labor day weekend, then it was back to school. We left our home, went about 20 miles to the campground, and we only went home to do some laundry here and there, otherwise we stayed. Alot of fun, I got into alot of trouble at a very young age, meeting people from all over the place, different people every weekend. Thought I was in heaven back then, I always hung out with the older kids. We drank and smoked pot, was fun then. I know differently now. But it was quite a life for a kid. Funny thing now though, I really like to camp, but I have 4 kids, (3 left at home) and although I like the actual camping, I don't like to go much, I never realized how much work it was for my parents. Although when you stay all summer, you aren't packing, and unpacking like I have to, because I can not afford to camp all summer.
Liam-- you sound very good. Sounds like you are keeping yourself busy the good way!! that's great. I hope you stay motivated. Keep doing what your doing, and hanging out here. I know I have said it alot, but this is such a great place, and pounding out your real feelings is a great thing. Sometimes there are things people can pound out here, and get support for, that they just aren't comfortable saying in a face 2 face meeting. Some people might not like em saying that, but I find it to be true.
Anyway, I am glad your both still here ( heck, I''m glad I'm still here )
God Bless, Love, Becky

roadie58

Hi Becky, Yes I used to camp a lot, was an Eagle Scout and camped with the HS church group all the time, also in my 20's. Then I met a Puerto Rican gal from the Bronx and it was NO CLOTH HOUSES. I've still got all the gear and would love to go, may get started again this fall. The change of seasons in Indiana is so beautiful. Thanks for asking although I don't know what I said to give you this idea about me. But you're spot on. THings better today, I'll post under I'm Alive for anyone interested in the diary of a madman.

Liam, the baseball game sounds like good idea, and definitely go with a non-drinking buddy and stay away from the loudmouths. It'll only remind you of how life used to be. You'lll be able to enjoy the entire game without waiting in beer lines (or toilet lines), and remember who won! I remember many Indy 500 races where I came away totally battered and no idea of the finish. ugh.

Thanks for responding and caring Becky, I intend to try to get some folks to check in here daily. Hopefully our lives and recovery stories will be interesting enough to generate some conversation. There is nothing like one drunk or addict helping another. That is the best thing I've learned from AA.

Bless you all, beautiful evening here, I'm going out back for some Jazz and a magazine.

Liam

Well the Blue Jays won and I drank water and ginger ale and had a great time out and about. Sporting events, concerts and such are difficult because I'm used to having that beer in my hand. Tonight though I ignored it all and had just as good a time.

Becky, I'm glad to hear that things are getting better and our posts help. Keeping active is really important. I think punishing yourself into a dreary recovery is just another reason to get back to using. A good recovery has to be more active, and in ways more fun than heading out for the usual. I fully intend to be active, outgoing, and to challenge myself into substituting good activities for the old. Many times in the past I'd sit around and think about "NOT USING" which after a while inevitably led to... you know what.

Well off to bed. Another sober day over--another just beginning.

Good Night All,
Liam

roadie58

good morning Liam, Sound like you had good time at ball game. THey're haveing F1 race in my city this Sunday but I dare not go. Can't face those large crowds, but congrats on a job well done.

How's it feeling these days- you on about day 4 or 5 like me, right? I like the clear head thinking I can do, but I'm still very exhausted and emotional. Plus if I don't get a girl, think I'll bust, don't know where that came from but there it is.

Hope you have a good day. I'd better get ready for errands and meeting at noon. Later

roadie58

Liam, hope your day went well, didn't see you checking in so hope you're able to stay clean. Hopefully will talk to you tomorrow.

Liam

All is good. Just a huge presentation that I had to get done, but it was a staggering success and I didn't get home till late-- but still spic and span clean.

I'm just tired. So thinking about taking it easy tonight with catching up with a movie or two. I hope everyone is well and I'll try and catch up with everyone tomorrow.

Thanks,

Liam

klegrand

Liam, Don't give up never give up. You have the drive to quit. It took me 4 times to get it right. Remember strength in numbers.. Were all rooting for you and here for you

roadie58

Movies are good, so are walks and long talks with clean friends. Congrats on the presentation. I had a client delivery today that I was nervous about- it went better than I could have expected.

LONG DISTANCE HIGH FIVE TO LIAM! wwwooohhhooo

Have a relaxing night, I'm out of town tomorrow so might not check in until Sunday.

roadie58

whazzup my brother, got work to do today, so I'll be out, have a great weekend. Saw you were on board and wanted to give you a shout.