JustLost55

Why does everyone in my life choose alcohol over me??? Now, I know some about the program and I know that thinking is totally the wrong way to view things, but I can't help it. First my Mom, then my ex-husband and now a current boyfriend.

There's a friend that I have....nice guy, great job, great Dad, etc. On paper, a perfect guy for me, yet I have no attraction to him. I am only attracted to alcoholics!!! It's driving me nuts!

I plan on attending Al-Anon this week and if I can find ACA meetings to try those as well. I just want to find a great guy and find the attraction. My situation makes me feel ridiculous!! I divorced one guy for this reason, found another one that's probably worse and there's a diamond hanging in my face that I can't even see!!

Arrrrgggghhhh! It's so frustrating!!!

bikewench

Hey JL....

Well.. at least you know whose puttin who in whose life ... ;o)

Melodie Beattie talks about the types of people we go after. In her book Codependent No More... she suggests that we walk past the ones that make our hearts go thump thump and hook up with the ones that don't ignite our wicks..


I can see her point.. but.. in most cases in my life... my subconscious picked the guy... and I'm emotionally invested before I knew what hit me.

Even now... that I know her suggestion... I can hardly see myself telling myself ...
"Hmmmm... I really like this guy... so I think I'll just cut him out of my life and go hang with boring ole guy down the road... cause I know he's gonna be better for me....." ;o)


The thing is... that even if a person is sober... they can still have emotional problems.. or some such joy stealing hurdles...


Today... give me a guy whose willing to try...

JustLost55

Thanks, BW!!

I am currently reading that book, as it is the only thing I can do, besides coming here, until my meeting on Thursday.

I guess I haven't gotten to that chapter yet! LOL

If I get into the right situation, I would really like to go for this other relationship and see if anything develops. I am tired of being physically ill due to others actions. I know, I know! I am supposed to detach! Well, at this point, I just want OUTTTTT!!!!!

Thanks again for your kind words!

bikewench

Coming to think of it... I think that part about the relationships is in her second book...

But... it's an excellent read as well.. ;o)


Yeah.. I'm also learning about detaching.


The only thing I can come up with around that is ...
If I'm taking care of me... whether that be supporting myself... or.. buying things I need... cooking food for myself... finding interesting things to do...
Then it drasticly drops the impact that another's behavior has in my life....

But.. if I'm financially dependant... and think that the only worthwhile stuff is going to happen if so and so is involved... well.. it's black from the getgo.

So... even thinking that my unhappiness is a result of another's behavior is skewed.
If I'm busy building my life... others have minimal impact... good or bad...


Also.. I've found that when my Higher Power is formost in my life... my SO's take on their proper perspective.


Just a thought though..
Is it possible to get to know the other guy while your sorting out your feelings around your bad boy? ;o)

minnie

JL

I think we are attracted to the kind of people that we are familiar with. For example, my Mum suffered from depression when I was a child and I had to grow up pretty fast and become a little caretaker. So, the relationships I got into when I was older were all with people that needed looking after in some form. Until I recognised and worked through that need to be needed, I would never find healthy people attractive. Al-anon, counselling and, of course, Melody Beattie, all helped me to unravel my drivers.

I would suggest taking time to work on yourself before getting into another relationship.

Good luck!

bikewench

Doing and going for what's familiar....

I realized yesturday that .. because my Mom and Dad were ALWAYS in the process of splitting up or getting back together.... that's where I tend to want to live in my relationships...

Hence.. I can never just relax and let the bad stuff roll off me.

lol.. it's funny... but I prayed to God to show me the truth around myself and my guy... and that just popped into my head yesturday clear as a bell....

So.. there again... when I said my prayer... I wanted to make it all about "him"... when in fact... it's pretty much all about... "me"...


Now.. I'm not saying that another's behavior doesn't impact.. cause it does...

I just think now though that .. when I remove my half of the character defect equation... their behavior has much much less impact.

FriendofBill

Hi Just Lost, and welcome,

Might I suggest a question to you?

Instead of asking why everyone in your life chooses alcohol over you, how about asking yourself this question:

Why do I keep choosing people with addiction to alcohol?

Just food for thought.....Keep coming back!

splendra

The truth will set you free but it might at first pi$$ you off...

pmaslan

your post reminds me of myself, choosing the wrong men, my friend Gary used to say to me "Patty if there were 10 great guys (as if) in the room and a jag*** in the corner, you'd knock over all 10 great guys to get to the jag***!!!!" I think he was right! Keep coming back here it helps to know you are not alone.
Love, Patty

Minx1969

Hey JL,

Welcome!! I've dated many many many As..Reason I stay in Alanon is hopefully the next lucky guy won't be an A!!!

Alanon has helped me get better...Haven't dated in 9 months but that's ok too.

JustLost55

I know, I know....that's why I am here. I NOW realized I am choosing them and need to fix that before I do it again. Thanks!

JustLost55

Patty- Thanks! It does help to know I'm not alone.

Minx- You're my idol! I'll be right with ya....may be alone, but we'll be getting better, right?? ;-)

Splendra- Are those words of wisdom about things to come?? As long as I learn to deal with it, I'll take whatever comes my way!!

splendra

Well our adult life can really only be about the choices we make...the more we blame others for our experience the less we can move forward the more responsibility we take for ourselves the more we can have the life we want.

If we keep looking for someone to take care of us or to take care of we can end up in a trap...

JustLost55

I whole heartedly believe that, Splendra! It's tough going it alone though. I will just have to deal with it. But, I am determined to get over my need to "take care" of others, that's why I am here!

Minx1969

JL - it's not been so bad being single! Lots of peace and less chaos..I had some fits in the beginning being 35 (now 36) and single..Lots of loneliness and fear (I'll never get married..etc..)

Many i was in self-pity mode and whining for a while..walk through the loneliness and it does get better!

I love being single now..starting to get out a flirt with cute men..I'm a lot healthier and not wanting to take care of anyone anymore..Damn it I'm worth it!

You will get through it!!

JustLost55

Wow, Minx!!! I can't wait until the day when I can say, "...not wanting to take care of anyone anymore!!!"

Thanks for the hope! ;-)

splendra

Hey I have had my single life and sometimes I miss being single for sure. I had a small child the last time I was single for 6 years I liked it too. Yea it was a little bit harder I had to tighten my belt to so I could feed my kid. I was in college at the time and got my degree. I had to go without eating somy son could could but, they were some sweet times too. I wouldn't change a thing.

I can't help but wonder how things would be now had I stayed that way...

Stressed 1

Splendra really tells it like it is. It's not a bad thing to put yourself first. You said that your mom was a A, well so is mine. Some people say that if you were raised by one, you have more of a chance of being one, SO NOT TRUE!!!!!. I found that being around it and than bartending for years, it's more of a turn off. You are who you hang around with NOT TRUE !!!!!, not if you consider yourself as a leader.

Wishing you the best...and do something for yourself...like shopping lol

JustLost55

Yup....watching my Mom, I vowed never to do that, and I haven't. I drink occasionally, but never in excess. I drank one time so much that I threw up and that was 20 years ago....and haven't done it since.

Hmmmm....shopping! I've needed a new pair of sneakers for MONTHS now....maybe I should!! ;-)

Stressed 1

Well, it's always put a smile on my face kind of like when I read your post .