UniversityGirl

hello,

It's been awhile since I have been here. When I first joined, I came seeking help for myself due to my partner's drug addiction (I didn't use then). Now I'm here dealing with my own addiction.

I have 315 days clean from cocaine as of today. However... the cravings are driving me mad at times this past week. Somehow I found myself driving around the strip this afternoon, looking for old friends. Yeah right... old friends I told myself. The old friend I was looking for is named Cocaine. Old using buddies who might have coke on them is what I was looking for.

When I looked at my behaviour honestly, I could see that what I did today was try and set myself up for relapse. I didn't find anyone I know today who uses. Yeah!!! I'm not sure yet if I believe in a Higher Power.. but if there is one, mine was watching and helping today!

I guess how I'm feeling now is scared. I know the desire to use is just a symptom of addiction. Crack is no fun, it never was. But somehow my brain seems to tell me it was good... I know it wasn't. I know this is the sickness calling me. But man... some days are tough.

Evanna

Yeah, some days really are tough. I did the whole driving around thing a couple of times in recovery too. Like you i didnt pick up....more through luck than design (or someone up there looking out for me)....but it was a real dangerous game to be playing. Sounds like you really could do with stepping up your support right now.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

splendra

So is there something inside yourself that you might be trying to run from thus triggering your cravings?

It sounds like you are being honest with yourself you have come this far without using, congrats by the way!!

Our personal demons tend to desolve when we look at them head on but, when we run from them they seem to get more power...((((BIGHUG))))2U

UniversityGirl

well.. I need to give this question some thought. I could be trying to run I guess. Excellent thing to think about. Escape is what I usually want. Some peace and quiet where I think of no-one and nothing except for myself. I'm a single mom with 3 small kids (all under 6)... so quiet time to myself is non existent. lol.

I can't use right now even if I was sick enough to want to. I can't figure out why I am craving so harshly right now. Could be many things I guess. I stopped using just before I got pregnant, didn't use the whole pregnancy. Now my youngest is 7.5 weeks old and exclusively breastfeeding... obviously I am not going to use now. So why the cravings and the driving around sniffing out old cronies for connections???

I know getting out the beating stick isn't helpful... it usually makes the cravings worse. I just wish the whole thing would just go away. Like I could wake up tomorrow and not have to deal with cravings or thoughts about using. When will that day come???

I feel that in my head I am saying "when the kids are older I'll use every now and again in a safe way". I know that's a bunch of crap. There's no such thing as moderation. I think if I could just leave those silly thoughts aside I'd be much better off and so would my recovery.

Then again, maybe I'm thinking to far ahead. Maybe i ought to just focus on today. Thing is, I hate making the choice everyday. It's like I just wanna block of a part of the calender all at once. That way I don't need to think about it everyday. Thing is that doesn't work in practice. sigh.

sorry.... I'm rambling. I just want this to go away... this craving that is.

Lbad

Are you in any recovery support program? Just curious. It makes it so much easier if you have fellow addicts around you. It worked for me anyway and I was a hope to die dope fiend. Anyway that is just my experience. I tried a million ways to fix myself and nothing worked except a 12 step program. I have 2 1/2 years clean off all illicit drugs and alcohol. And I also have some serenity in my life. No drive by's anymore that is soooo dangerous for an addict like me.

Good Luck and God Bless,
lbadeker

In memory of miracle

It has difficult some day's. That was one of my DOC's too. Sounds like you are thinking it thru to the end, no fun! Arg! Busted and disgusted! You did the right thing by coming here and being honest.It would be a shame to let your self down and those three little ones.Keep the faith. Bless, Trish