Originally Posted by splendra
So is there something inside yourself that you might be trying to run from thus triggering your cravings?
well.. I need to give this question some thought. I could be trying to run I guess. Excellent thing to think about. Escape is what I usually want. Some peace and quiet where I think of no-one and nothing except for myself. I'm a single mom with 3 small kids (all under 6)... so quiet time to myself is non existent. lol.
I can't use right now even if I was sick enough to want to. I can't figure out why I am craving so harshly right now. Could be many things I guess. I stopped using just before I got pregnant, didn't use the whole pregnancy. Now my youngest is 7.5 weeks old and exclusively breastfeeding... obviously I am not going to use now. So why the cravings and the driving around sniffing out old cronies for connections???
I know getting out the beating stick isn't helpful... it usually makes the cravings worse. I just wish the whole thing would just go away. Like I could wake up tomorrow and not have to deal with cravings or thoughts about using. When will that day come???
I feel that in my head I am saying "when the kids are older I'll use every now and again in a safe way". I know that's a bunch of crap. There's no such thing as moderation. I think if I could just leave those silly thoughts aside I'd be much better off and so would my recovery.
Then again, maybe I'm thinking to far ahead. Maybe i ought to just focus on today. Thing is, I hate making the choice everyday. It's like I just wanna block of a part of the calender all at once. That way I don't need to think about it everyday. Thing is that doesn't work in practice. sigh.
sorry.... I'm rambling. I just want this to go away... this craving that is.