escape artist

i just realized today that i have been living with alcoholism and addiction my whole life. i am surrounded by alcoholics and addicts even to this day. i have shouldered this pain as a responsibility for me to do everything right. (i never really understood this notion whenever i would read about it in my recovery books until now). naturally i have looked at my whole life as a series of failures. and boy have i failed alot.

but what the heck did i expect? i was operating within a twisted paradigm and expecting it to be normal. i don't even know what normal is. for the longest time i now realize that i have been living with this unknown secret to myself (denial?) and carrying much shame and remorse for every thing i have ever done.

now that i realize this though i can give myself a break. i did the best i could with what i had. i don't have to shoulder all the blame for my errors. i don't have to accept responsibility or shame for everything twisted and unreal that i lived with and through.

i think this may be a real breakthrough for me now. i have new tools to deal with my reality. i am going to be able to see through lots of the illusions that i have been living with. this is good.

splendra

((((EA))))

Working the 12 steps really helped me with my adult child issues. Today I do not have to beat myself up over yesterdays shame. I do not think I will ever totally be able to not want good for my family and friends but, at least now I do not feel so compelled to make it happen for them. Today I can just take care of me and love me and be alright.

Evanna

'i can cut myself some slack'

A lifechanging realisation. I am much gentler to myself these days.

JT

That was a huge turning point for me. My whole life I poo-poo'd the notion that I was affected by the alcoholism or the divorce in my family but when I finally saw the truth of it, it was like a semi had unloaded a ton of bricks on my head. I was crushed. But I dusted myself off and had no choice but to forgive myself.

I had always felt so "in control" but the facts were that I had NO control at all. My life had been like a ball in a pinball machine...I had spent it bouncing off everyone else as far back as I can remember.

I am left with many regrets but I can "cut myself some slack" like you. I know I did the best I could with what I had. One thing I have been left with is the determination to not create any more regrets.

Hugs,
JT

paula a.

"Ditto J.T."
I could have written the entire first two paragraphs of that post!