We had the DUMBEST ARGUMENT last night !! (long, sorry)
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We had the DUMBEST ARGUMENT last night !! (long, sorry)
Ok, a little background....my mood for quite some time has been, well, not so great. I'm having sleep issues (l'm having that looked into in August), there's a lot of stress at work, and my son has hit the terrible two's full-force. Then the occasional issues with my husband don't help any, either. A year ago my grandfather died. He had had squamous cell carcinoma for quite a few years, which had spread to his brain. He had had surgery for it, but the surgery and radiation completely changed his personality, caused memory problems, etc. So I was told that when he died, he had had a seizure and hit his head. A few days ago my brother called me and was complaining about my mom calling and harassing him, which is her MO (that's a whole long story I won't get into right now - suffice it to say she's an active alcoholic with significant mental health issues). During their conversation, she said my grandfather had in fact committed suicide. So my brother and I just blew it off, thinking it was yet another one of her many lies. So I was IMing with my cousin yesterday, and we were talking about my mother making the rounds and harassing everyone by phone. Long story short, I found out that my grandfather did in fact commit suicide by shooting himself in the head. It's been quite a shock, to say the least. Then my son was being extra difficult last night.
Ok, so fast forward a bit to dinnertime. We got takeout at Applebee's, including dessert. My husband stuck the ice cream in the freezer. After dinner he was in the computer room. Typically we eat dessert right after dinner, but have been waiting until our son goes to bed, because he has food allergies, and we can't share most of what we eat, and he's starting to notice differences between his food and ours. Anyway, our son was playing, so I got up to get the ice cream out of the freezer, and thinking that my husband would want his too, I put his ice cream on the counter, but I didn't say anything about it. I just assumed he would eat dessert right away when he saw me getting mine. I guess he didn't notice me getting mine, so he didn't realize it was there. A little while later he went to get it, found it on the counter and said "is there a reason you have my ice cream sitting on the counter ?" so I said "oh....I got it out for you" and he snapped "well, it's all melted !!" So I just looked at him, surprised he was so ticked off and said "sorry." He was getting ready to go look at a car stereo, and stomped off, slammed the door and left ! I was stunned he was acting this way - he doesn't normally fly off the handle like this. I'll admit that what I'm about to tell you wasn't the best way to handle it, but I was having a bad day. So he got home a little bit later, and I looked at him and said "you slammed the door over ice cream ???" Which of course, he denied it, and I just ignored his denial. So then I was getting ready for bed and was going to turn off the A/C, and he said that he was going to stay up for a while, and he'd shut it off before he went to bed. So as I was walking away, he said "I might have to go out and get dessert." Ok, so that pissed me off even more. I went back and said "ok, why don't you tell me what's really bothering you....I can't believe you're acting like this over ice cream." So it just kind of deteriorated from there...he was acting like a complete jackass, and I slammed the bedroom door. I laid in bed, angry, in shock over his behavior, and feeling like he's very critical of me. His friend even told him he was pretty hard on me. My patience/tolerance of BS these days is pretty much nonexistent with all I've got going on...and I'm just so furious he acted like that over his damn ice cream, knowing I was upset about my grandfather and frustrated about our son ! I'm still fuming, and really tempted to just not go home tonight. I wouldn't really do that of course, but sometimes I get sick to death of being good 'ole reliable Heather !
Ok, so fast forward a bit to dinnertime. We got takeout at Applebee's, including dessert. My husband stuck the ice cream in the freezer. After dinner he was in the computer room. Typically we eat dessert right after dinner, but have been waiting until our son goes to bed, because he has food allergies, and we can't share most of what we eat, and he's starting to notice differences between his food and ours. Anyway, our son was playing, so I got up to get the ice cream out of the freezer, and thinking that my husband would want his too, I put his ice cream on the counter, but I didn't say anything about it. I just assumed he would eat dessert right away when he saw me getting mine. I guess he didn't notice me getting mine, so he didn't realize it was there. A little while later he went to get it, found it on the counter and said "is there a reason you have my ice cream sitting on the counter ?" so I said "oh....I got it out for you" and he snapped "well, it's all melted !!" So I just looked at him, surprised he was so ticked off and said "sorry." He was getting ready to go look at a car stereo, and stomped off, slammed the door and left ! I was stunned he was acting this way - he doesn't normally fly off the handle like this. I'll admit that what I'm about to tell you wasn't the best way to handle it, but I was having a bad day. So he got home a little bit later, and I looked at him and said "you slammed the door over ice cream ???" Which of course, he denied it, and I just ignored his denial. So then I was getting ready for bed and was going to turn off the A/C, and he said that he was going to stay up for a while, and he'd shut it off before he went to bed. So as I was walking away, he said "I might have to go out and get dessert." Ok, so that pissed me off even more. I went back and said "ok, why don't you tell me what's really bothering you....I can't believe you're acting like this over ice cream." So it just kind of deteriorated from there...he was acting like a complete jackass, and I slammed the bedroom door. I laid in bed, angry, in shock over his behavior, and feeling like he's very critical of me. His friend even told him he was pretty hard on me. My patience/tolerance of BS these days is pretty much nonexistent with all I've got going on...and I'm just so furious he acted like that over his damn ice cream, knowing I was upset about my grandfather and frustrated about our son ! I'm still fuming, and really tempted to just not go home tonight. I wouldn't really do that of course, but sometimes I get sick to death of being good 'ole reliable Heather !
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Heather,
This must be a trend with A's. I don't think they can handle us worrying about anyone but them! You would not believe the BS my AH put me through when my mother suddenly passed away. I was pretty non-functioning and he did the same petty crap you are describing. Gotta love all that support!
Sorry it isn't as good as the real thing, but here's a hug (((((Heather))))).
Paula
This must be a trend with A's. I don't think they can handle us worrying about anyone but them! You would not believe the BS my AH put me through when my mother suddenly passed away. I was pretty non-functioning and he did the same petty crap you are describing. Gotta love all that support!
Sorry it isn't as good as the real thing, but here's a hug (((((Heather))))).
Paula
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Maybe this site can be of some help?
Coping with conflict- BBC health site
One of the sections is on why you are really arguing - I sense it has very little to do with ice cream on either side.
I've posted this site before and I rate it VERY highly because it's actually useful and talks common sense. I try to use it not just at home but with any conflict, friends, work or family.
Coping with conflict- BBC health site
One of the sections is on why you are really arguing - I sense it has very little to do with ice cream on either side.
I've posted this site before and I rate it VERY highly because it's actually useful and talks common sense. I try to use it not just at home but with any conflict, friends, work or family.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by equus
Maybe this site can be of some help?
Coping with conflict- BBC health site
One of the sections is on why you are really arguing - I sense it has very little to do with ice cream on either side.
Coping with conflict- BBC health site
One of the sections is on why you are really arguing - I sense it has very little to do with ice cream on either side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by paula a.
Gotta love all that support!
Sorry it isn't as good as the real thing, but here's a hug (((((Heather))))).
Paula
Sorry it isn't as good as the real thing, but here's a hug (((((Heather))))).
Paula
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
Heather,
wow.. you sure have your hands full. ice cream eh? i remember an arguement about my daughter not thanking him "enough" for a birthday present. seemed that when it was her birthday, her party, her day.. he had to take that away too. and ruin it.
they are so so so self absorbed. like walking talking sponges that suck the life out of you. but thats my harsh, having a bad day, jaded view. lol
give your son a hug and realize you are getting healthier for you.. and him
quietsins
wow.. you sure have your hands full. ice cream eh? i remember an arguement about my daughter not thanking him "enough" for a birthday present. seemed that when it was her birthday, her party, her day.. he had to take that away too. and ruin it.
they are so so so self absorbed. like walking talking sponges that suck the life out of you. but thats my harsh, having a bad day, jaded view. lol
give your son a hug and realize you are getting healthier for you.. and him
quietsins
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The sunny southwest
Posts: 97
yep - ICE CREAM !!!
Normally he's a pretty reasonable guy, and handles nearly everything in a calm and thoughtful manner. Every once in a while he gets a wild hair up his you-know-what though. I really hate when he won't just tell me what's bothering him, and instead pulls this kind of crap. I knew why I was in a foul mood, and would have readily admitted it if asked.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
my second husband, a real sweetie whom i am still very close to... told me a story once.
he said talking to men is like car engines... they want to know all the symptoms.. and then they will diagnose it and fix it.. otherwise dont bother talking.
women are like televisions shows.. the dialogue goes on and on.. and although you can see it... you cannot influence the outcome and nobody is asking you to. they just want you to listen.
i went to ask.com once and typed in the difference between listening styles of men and women.. bingo... wow was that enlightening. there is lots of documentation out there about this.
most men wont talk about something until they have a plan. and when they have made up their minds..its safe to talk. women.. we talk and talk and talk because our internal value is based upon the strength of our relationship. men base much of their internal value on the ability to solve problems.
the book men are from mars women are from venus really has a lot of good stuff in it about communication. especially the part about how women send the man "back into his cave" lol
my second husband and i worked out a deal. i would tell him i have to rant.. he would sit on the edge of the bed for as long as it took to rant.. then when i was done.. he would say.. "done? good.. take a bath" and it worked.. lol and we usually laughed about it.. but i sincerely had to teach him about how to communicate in a way i could understand. and that didnt threaten him
good luck
quietsins
he said talking to men is like car engines... they want to know all the symptoms.. and then they will diagnose it and fix it.. otherwise dont bother talking.
women are like televisions shows.. the dialogue goes on and on.. and although you can see it... you cannot influence the outcome and nobody is asking you to. they just want you to listen.
i went to ask.com once and typed in the difference between listening styles of men and women.. bingo... wow was that enlightening. there is lots of documentation out there about this.
most men wont talk about something until they have a plan. and when they have made up their minds..its safe to talk. women.. we talk and talk and talk because our internal value is based upon the strength of our relationship. men base much of their internal value on the ability to solve problems.
the book men are from mars women are from venus really has a lot of good stuff in it about communication. especially the part about how women send the man "back into his cave" lol
my second husband and i worked out a deal. i would tell him i have to rant.. he would sit on the edge of the bed for as long as it took to rant.. then when i was done.. he would say.. "done? good.. take a bath" and it worked.. lol and we usually laughed about it.. but i sincerely had to teach him about how to communicate in a way i could understand. and that didnt threaten him
good luck
quietsins
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