a relationship between 2 recovering alcoholics
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Cornwall, UK
Posts: 15
a relationship between 2 recovering alcoholics
a relationship between 2 recovering alcoholics
Is it possible or wise for two people who meet at AA to have a relationship?
has anyone out there an experience, will it be the case that two alcoholics are not a good match, what about kids between 2 alco's, will they be addicts.
There is also the danger that the drinking problem might be the main thing they have in common and I am doubtful whether this is sufficient, long termly seen.
well?
thanks
Is it possible or wise for two people who meet at AA to have a relationship?
has anyone out there an experience, will it be the case that two alcoholics are not a good match, what about kids between 2 alco's, will they be addicts.
There is also the danger that the drinking problem might be the main thing they have in common and I am doubtful whether this is sufficient, long termly seen.
well?
thanks
Greatful Sober Biker
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Cottonwood AZ.
Posts: 521
Is it possible or wise for two people who meet at AA to have a relationship?
Hi Roy,Yes you can have one there are people that i know have been and i was some get married and stay that way and some don't.
Hi Roy,Yes you can have one there are people that i know have been and i was some get married and stay that way and some don't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Sunny Californie
Posts: 125
Hey Roy...
Here is the problem.
If one works the steps, finds God, and the other does not....then, trouble.
If both have worked the steps, found God, and are compatible emotionally, mentally, and physically, then...with God all things are possible.
I have seen dozens of folks get married in AA. On the whole they don't work out too well. What I have cited above is the reason for the failure. One must first be sure that they serve the same God, and thus spiritually compatible. Then, find out if they are mentally on the same level. Capable of holding communication with each other. Same likes and dislikes....like both listen to conservative talk shows, read the same paper....ect.. Then, they must find out how emotionally mature each is. Some grow up emotionally in no time, but others develope more slowly. AND finally, how are they matched up on a physical level. Does one have no leg...and the other like jogging....or one likes jogging the other likes boxing....and sexually are they on the same plane....does one like toys and the other is straight laced? Or does one like to be on the bottom and hates the top? :0)
So, there ya go. What do you think?
Wilky
Here is the problem.
If one works the steps, finds God, and the other does not....then, trouble.
If both have worked the steps, found God, and are compatible emotionally, mentally, and physically, then...with God all things are possible.
I have seen dozens of folks get married in AA. On the whole they don't work out too well. What I have cited above is the reason for the failure. One must first be sure that they serve the same God, and thus spiritually compatible. Then, find out if they are mentally on the same level. Capable of holding communication with each other. Same likes and dislikes....like both listen to conservative talk shows, read the same paper....ect.. Then, they must find out how emotionally mature each is. Some grow up emotionally in no time, but others develope more slowly. AND finally, how are they matched up on a physical level. Does one have no leg...and the other like jogging....or one likes jogging the other likes boxing....and sexually are they on the same plane....does one like toys and the other is straight laced? Or does one like to be on the bottom and hates the top? :0)
So, there ya go. What do you think?
Wilky
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: brooklyn, new york
Posts: 1,639
go for it?
i don't want to seem negative
but
in any relationship, who usually gets their way
so
if you want to do a fourth step
everytime you don't want to take out the garbage
go for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously, though
i'm sure a relationship with the program
is better than one without it
but
in any relationship, who usually gets their way
so
if you want to do a fourth step
everytime you don't want to take out the garbage
go for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously, though
i'm sure a relationship with the program
is better than one without it
Last edited by fraankie; 05-30-2005 at 04:21 PM. Reason: misspelling
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 1,019
Any relationship based on only one thing (avoiding or embracing) is usually not going to last because you need more than that one thing to have a fulfilling relationship. That being said, it is important to have a strong set of common beliefs to build a relationship around...whether that be AA-like beliefs, religion, values, etc. The fact that this example involves two people in recovery makes it a bit more complicated because you might be at different points of recovery, and/or have different outlooks on life. These are all things will come up in ANY relationship, but being a recovering addict makes it more complicated.
I think there is a good reason why people in AA/Recovery are told they should take some time before getting into/back into a relationship. If you both go into this with your eyes open, and take it SLOW*....I think you can have a chance.
*One reason why I suggest slow is that many people will replace one addiction with another. The addiction to a substance can be replaced by an addiction to a person. You do not want to jeopardize your sobriety for a person...it is too important.
-pedagogue
I think there is a good reason why people in AA/Recovery are told they should take some time before getting into/back into a relationship. If you both go into this with your eyes open, and take it SLOW*....I think you can have a chance.
*One reason why I suggest slow is that many people will replace one addiction with another. The addiction to a substance can be replaced by an addiction to a person. You do not want to jeopardize your sobriety for a person...it is too important.
-pedagogue
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Olympia, WA
Posts: 180
>>Is it possible or wise for two people who meet at AA to have a relationship?<<
Of course, Roy. The question is are you entering into the relationship relatively free from ego-neediness? Are you deeply hoping for the fulfillment of having someone to love and serve? If so, you're starting out with a lot more wisdom and chances for long term good feelings than if you are primarily looking for someone who will fill your ego needs with you being willing to fill her ego needs so long as she continues to be willing to fill yours. That seems to be the marital 'norm' in this country, (USA).
I agree with Wilky, above. First spend a year with attitudes of honest, open-mindedness and willingness in your surrender to the Twelve Steps. Within the first year of sobriety, it is strongly recommended that one stays free from new relationships because at the end of that first year, you both will be different people than you are now, and attitudes on both sides concerning a relationship with each other may well have changed also.
I still remember one of O.J. Simpson's phone conversations with the media concerning the murder of his wife and a male friend: "I didn't do it," he stated, "but if I had, wouldn't that show how much I loved her?" . . . No!!! It would not! Love does not suffer. Love does not cause suffering for another. Those attitudes which cause suffering in relationships are all based on an ego-neediness that the Twelve Step Program of AA can spiritually grow you out of, so that you can enter into your relationships with true love, wisdom, empathy, and freedom from expecations on how the loved one ought to act or react within your relationship.
Finally, if you and your 'beloved' have more than a year in the program, I would highly recommend that you each agree to fitting in an Alanon Meeting a week into your schedules for the next 20 years or so.
Blessings - one of
Of course, Roy. The question is are you entering into the relationship relatively free from ego-neediness? Are you deeply hoping for the fulfillment of having someone to love and serve? If so, you're starting out with a lot more wisdom and chances for long term good feelings than if you are primarily looking for someone who will fill your ego needs with you being willing to fill her ego needs so long as she continues to be willing to fill yours. That seems to be the marital 'norm' in this country, (USA).
I agree with Wilky, above. First spend a year with attitudes of honest, open-mindedness and willingness in your surrender to the Twelve Steps. Within the first year of sobriety, it is strongly recommended that one stays free from new relationships because at the end of that first year, you both will be different people than you are now, and attitudes on both sides concerning a relationship with each other may well have changed also.
I still remember one of O.J. Simpson's phone conversations with the media concerning the murder of his wife and a male friend: "I didn't do it," he stated, "but if I had, wouldn't that show how much I loved her?" . . . No!!! It would not! Love does not suffer. Love does not cause suffering for another. Those attitudes which cause suffering in relationships are all based on an ego-neediness that the Twelve Step Program of AA can spiritually grow you out of, so that you can enter into your relationships with true love, wisdom, empathy, and freedom from expecations on how the loved one ought to act or react within your relationship.
Finally, if you and your 'beloved' have more than a year in the program, I would highly recommend that you each agree to fitting in an Alanon Meeting a week into your schedules for the next 20 years or so.
Blessings - one of
Just A Diva With A Purpose
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 297
I haven't read any comments on the aspect of the children from the proposed relationship--there seems to be different opinions on the idea that alcoholism can be genetic and passed down from generation to generation. Who can say for sure--but, even if the person were to have children with a "non" alcoholic--they could still grow up to be one. Blessings, Queenshenique
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Rochester Hills, MI
Posts: 5
Hi All
I met my wife in a treatment program in 1978. We were married in 1981. She liked the alcohol and I liked the drugs. We still are married with 2 children. My 20 year old son is in the program for drugs, my daughter is 15 and I don't see the signs that I saw in my son. I can't speak for my wife, but I am happily married. We both have relapsed, but are ok now. I go to meetings, my wife has 19 years sober and she only goes to a therapist every 2 weeks. Hope this helps
Ron
I met my wife in a treatment program in 1978. We were married in 1981. She liked the alcohol and I liked the drugs. We still are married with 2 children. My 20 year old son is in the program for drugs, my daughter is 15 and I don't see the signs that I saw in my son. I can't speak for my wife, but I am happily married. We both have relapsed, but are ok now. I go to meetings, my wife has 19 years sober and she only goes to a therapist every 2 weeks. Hope this helps
Ron
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Sunny Californie
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by Millwallj
I have been in a relationship with a fellow AA'er for a year now - the programme has been instrumental in its sucess.
We are actually moving in together today as it happens.
We are actually moving in together today as it happens.
Sounds like old tapes to me. Are you sure this is a good idea? I don't think God is going to approve.
Wilky
Grateful recovering alcoholic
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Blissfield, MI
Posts: 814
I didn't read all the other posts, because I don't have very much time, but I'll share my experience with you...
I married a guy in the program, he had been sober for a year less than I, though he was 15 years older than I. I didn't marry him because I loved him, I married him because I wanted children, family, good insurance, and I knew he had a good job. Mind you I was sober for 3 years when I got married and was 20 years old. We got along ok, but there were the anger issues. A few years later, a baby came along, which is now 8 1/2. Beautiful young lady, I must say. We stayed married until she was 1 1/2 years old, things had gotten very bad between us and I was fearful of our physical well-being. Divorce came and things were terrible between us, he threatening to kill me, me afraid he was going to kidnap her. Eventually, we both moved on and though we've been divorced now for 6 years, we get along better than we ever have. In fact, we can have civil conversations and talk nicely ABOUT each other!!! That's a miracle.
Our daughter shows about every red flag for addict/alcoholic behavior I can think of. However, I'm working really hard with her to educate her and share my ESH so she has an informed choice. In fact, she's going with me this AM to my home group!!!
Good luck - if it's love...love can conquer all, I have seen a lot of AA marriages fail, but I've seen quite a few succeed, too. I think it certainly would be a lot more challenging. This time, I'm married to a normie!!!
I married a guy in the program, he had been sober for a year less than I, though he was 15 years older than I. I didn't marry him because I loved him, I married him because I wanted children, family, good insurance, and I knew he had a good job. Mind you I was sober for 3 years when I got married and was 20 years old. We got along ok, but there were the anger issues. A few years later, a baby came along, which is now 8 1/2. Beautiful young lady, I must say. We stayed married until she was 1 1/2 years old, things had gotten very bad between us and I was fearful of our physical well-being. Divorce came and things were terrible between us, he threatening to kill me, me afraid he was going to kidnap her. Eventually, we both moved on and though we've been divorced now for 6 years, we get along better than we ever have. In fact, we can have civil conversations and talk nicely ABOUT each other!!! That's a miracle.
Our daughter shows about every red flag for addict/alcoholic behavior I can think of. However, I'm working really hard with her to educate her and share my ESH so she has an informed choice. In fact, she's going with me this AM to my home group!!!
Good luck - if it's love...love can conquer all, I have seen a lot of AA marriages fail, but I've seen quite a few succeed, too. I think it certainly would be a lot more challenging. This time, I'm married to a normie!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: A place of special Dreams....
Posts: 4,018
You know everyone has trouble in a marriage.............................I met my husband where I worked and we connected right away..............He has less time in the program than I do but that didn't stop us from getting married within 3 months after finally going out...........................He is 7 years older than me and we have been married a happy 6 1/2 years and have a 5 yr old............................................... Our recovery time is going strong and we help others in the program ..........................I see no problem getting married to someone in the program as long as your program is well grounded and you have more than a couple years under your belt......................Otherwise you are up for some possible trouble........................................... .Another word of advise...........Make sure you two go to a marriage counsler who understands the program and can give you good advise..........And someone who will not go against your beliefs in God....................I found that to be very helpful.....................I also did some work in a book that helped understand any differences between us before getting married...................The book is called: "Saving your marriage before it starts " , by Dr. Les Parrott lll & Dr. Leslie Parrott ...............................This book also comes with work books for the guy and the gal to be married so you can both do some bookwork................................But Remember to stay close to your Recovery Program while you work on this book as it is important.............................BE SURE IF YOU SEE A COUNSLER for the marriage thing that they are in tune with your Recovery as well............................Some tend to say recovery and marriage do not mix........................................I was lucky to have a counsler that was a Christian and understood well about the Recovery Program............................Penny 
ONE DAY AT A TIME ..........................HANG IN THERE ......I do suggest a marriage counsler to help answer questions before getting married................The main thing is that you both love each other............Be sure you want to do this and consider your recovery time as well and how grounded you both are in your program and with your sponser
ONE DAY AT A TIME ..........................HANG IN THERE ......I do suggest a marriage counsler to help answer questions before getting married................The main thing is that you both love each other............Be sure you want to do this and consider your recovery time as well and how grounded you both are in your program and with your sponser
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