elizabeth

My life has always been very difficult for me to deal with, there is a new drame every day, and they just keep getting worse!the issue that i have to deal with now is that in september iam moing away to go to university. I know in myself that iam only going so that i can move out and be away from my mother and her drinking but i have to do it. It has now occured to me that iam actually going to be leaving her to fend for herself, there will be no one here to dress her when she cant, to pick her up when shes got drunk and cant find her way home, there will be no one to stand in the middle of the fights and hide the knives in the huse, no one to water down the dozens of bottles. The house will be in a mess and she wont be able to cope with paying the bills etc!I know these are the things that i shouldnt have to do with but no one else will, i have a brother who has given yp on her and a step dad that is having an affair!what will happen to her?iam terrified that i will recieve a phone call one day from the police or a hospital, that is my worst fear!maybe this is a good thing that she will have to look after herself but the drinking is already unberable and she says she wont be able to cope when im gone so imagin e whats it like when i actually go!Iam not very close with my mother and often i cant stand her and what she has done, it makes me angry that she has done this to my life, i hate her but i hate myself more for letting it get this bad and for her to become so dependent on me!i dont know what to do, please help?

livingfree

I did all those things to my daughter when I was drinking. She had to take care of me. She was only 7 years old. When I finally gave her and her brother to my parents and I had to take care of myself I hit bottom and that is when it occurred to me to sober up. My children are a big part of my life now. When they were gone I realized what I had lost and what I had done to them. I've only been clean a few months, but seeing what I have done to my children makes me want to stay clean. I did the hospitals and police thing. My mother got the calls, but there is nothing anyone would do at that point it was time for me to figure it out on my own and maybe that is what your mother needs to do. It worked for me. I know it's hard but do it because you love her.

jcw1964

Welcome Elizabeth,
What I have learned in recovering from my wifes addiction is that she needs to take care of herself and I need to take care of me. She has to own her decisions and reap the consequences of those decisions. The sooner the better. It is difficult but in the long run you are doing yourself and her a favor. Stay strong and do something for you.
Thanks
Good luck and God bless
Jeff

Gabe

Hey Elizabeth.
The only way your Mom is ever going to recover is when she realizes she is on her own and it's up to her.
Might take a trip or two to the hospital.
Might take something more than that.
But you taking care of her and doing what you've been doing isn't working.
So go on and live your life and leave her to the consequences of her behavior.
I know it's hard, but it's really your only option.
You shouldn't put your life on hold because of her addiction.

MS P

I know that you may feel guilty for leaving your mother. I have a son who always took care of me when he finally left and I had to take care of myself I was angry at first and I tried to make him feel guilty. The best thing he ever did for me was to leave. Today I have been clean for 3 years and I love him even more.

Katchus

(((((((((( Elizabeth ))))))))))))
First, Welcome to SR!

Watering down the bottles, dressing her, fixing her wounds, cooking for her, nursing her hang over....

She is the mother, you are the daughter. It's called "role reversal" and it's not your job to take care of your mum.

I know it's not easy reading so many posts from strangers and the "straight forward" replies. You are hearing from people who have either been where you are or who have done to their own children what your mother has and is doing to you.

Having a parent who is an alcoholic is like living with someone who is going to die. There is a cycle.

You are at the stage where you must make a choice, it's either you or her. It's not going to be an easy choice, but it's one you must make. Your survival instincts at this point are more heightened than most your age.

I grew up taking care of my mother as well. I did the "pour some booze down the drain and add some water to the bottle" trick, "pick mom up from a strange place" trip, "take care of mom's hangover" day, "hold a cold rag to mom's head" routine and the worst, "watch mom being fondled by some strange man" movie time.

At seven I went into the system, "foster care". At fourteen, I was back with dear ol' mum.

I took off after high school. Got married several years later. Allowed dear ol' mum to visit and interupt my family life with her disease and finally put my foot down...at the age of thirty four, I will be thirty seven.

I told her a couple of years ago that I didn't care for her life style and I wasn't going to allow the cycle to continue. I went through every emotion that anyone would go through when they lose a loved one. I buried my mother. I wrote her a very long letter recently, because she would not respect my request to leave me alone. She would not stop calling my house intoxicated and she is a great manipulator. When I last spoke to her on the phone, I told her I was talking to a "dead woman".

This may seem harsh, however it's about survivial. It's also about breaking the cycle. She wrote me a short note, in response to our last phone call. She apologized for calling my home when she was drinking (this has been done on numerous occasions in the past, no new behavior there) and wanted to know what she could do to make things "right" between us. She told me how she had been sober for four months (once again, no new behavior there...I could line my driveway with all the AA sobriety chips she has acumulated in the past twenty years). I believe that there are some people who "play" the system, my mother being one of them.

Take some time for yourself. Just stop, breathe and take care of "you" for a change. Besides, who is going to take care of you if your health goes down hill? This type of caregiver situation does and will take it's toll on your health as well.

Best wishes at the University Beth and chin up! I believe that's a rainbow I see over your head! *smile*

Kat-

n1hnr94

Elizabeth, first it ok for what you are feeling. Uncomfortable, but ok. Your mother will be ok also. It is going to be tough on her. Tell her you still care about her but that Elizabeth's life must begin now. Elizabeth must learn "tough love" Let go of the guilt you probably are feeling and let your mother learn her way in life. Wouldn't that be what you would want your child to do. To learn something. We are all here to learn and it is time your mother started to learn. It is your time to learn also. To go to the university and learn. To start your life. It will be scary, worrisome and it will hurt. But that to shall pass. The sun will rise everyday and set everyday. You will be ok. You will be ok Take care, Bob, Maine

mamasgirl1

Elezabeth, I know how you feel, I to did the same things for my mom. The hardest thing I ever had to do was adimit her into a state ran hospital for her to get help, I was 13. That didnt work. I finally had to give her tough love and not call her, and not let her see her grandkids. It killed me Lord did it kill me. My mother is my life, and when she passes I do not know what I will do. You have to be strong, ad I knw that is easier said then done. I know that itsnt what you wanted to hear. But there is no miricle cure for someone who doesnt think there is a problem. I learned in therapy today that I suffer from ACA. After he explained it to me and I did somet reaserch of my own it was clear. And I cried, I havent cried that hard in that long, but I did. I cant blame her for what I have but when it comes down to it, it is her fault. She is sober now and has been since I was 21, 7 years. For that I am so greatful, but now I see that Im the one with the long term damage not her. Take care and peace be with you. You will make the right choise!

dollydo

I'm a product of an al mom. She's been drinking for over 40 years, nasty & violent.
There have been times we have not talked, twice for 4 yrs, once for 10. My happiest times are when we do not have a relationship.

We are back in touch at this time. However, I keep an arms length away. See her a few times a year. Set bounderies, if she is drunk, she is not to call me, if she does, I just hang up. Don't hear from her much.

My mom is 80, yes 80, can you believe it? Still bombed at 80.

Jeez,

Dolly

elizabeth

thank you for all of your replies, i have not visited in a whle but i have been doing exams (ineviable made worse by my mum)!i hope you are all well and are safe!

aadako

Elizabeth, you have to realize that you can't take on your mom's actions as your responsibility. Although you were doing a good deed taking care of her, she still has to hit her bottom and realize she needs some help. Without hitting a rock bottom, it is hard to become sober. There's a saying in AA that says Let Go and Let God, and I think that's something you need to do; your mom is in the hands of God, and it's not right for you to be her nanny