aadako

Hi! I'm new to the site, but i'm pretty excited to get some other people to talk to and who know what i'm going through. Both of my parents are alcoholics. My dad has been sober for about 14 years now, and mom relapsed last year. They are still together but it has been really rough in the past year of my life. The same time I came out to her as a gay man is about the same time she started drinking. I have such a difficult time now with my parent's drinking because it has really altered my views on alcohol; simply it's that I don't trust it. I mean, I know that not everyone has a problem with it, but it's always in the back of my mind. I've been seeing this guy for a year and a half now and whenever the concept of drinking comes up between us i get very edgy and scared. I always have this fear that all people who drink will have a problem with it, and I feel that it is due to the alcoholism I witnessed as a child. I just don't know how/if I can get past these feelings and to be able to trust people with alcohol? I'd really love some insight on this because my mind is just ripping in half, yaknow? LOL. Thank ya much!

Aaron

Evanna

You do know that you didnt cause this, right? I am sure you know that anyway but i just wanted to re-inforce as it sounds like you have been having a real tough year. It is easy to lose sight of what we know when things go pear-shaped.

Can really relate to what you have to say about being wary about alcohol/people drinking. I am much the same. I am never sure whether people can really drink socially, whether they are just drunks waiting to happen or if i am just in my own stuff. I get quite fearful too. My husband drinks 'socially' and i have to work real hard on trusting his assertion that it isnt a problem for him. The evidence seems to suggest that it is okay. So far he has shown no signs of behaving remotely like my father (i do watch for the signs though ).


I have no insights for you but i am real glad you found this forum. Big welcome.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

nocellphone

Welcome to SR, Aaron! My apologies for the late reply. I somehow missed your post initially...

I've always been told that relapse is a process that begins long before the actual drink is picked up. My hope is that you're not under any illusions that your revelation caused her to make that choice...


Having been around alcoholism my whole life and seeing & feeling its devastating and lethal effects, I can definitely relate! I have a difficult time understanding how a person can choose to have a casual relationship with something as clearly dangerous as alcohol and other drugs. I tend to limit the time I will spend around drinkers. This is a boundary I set for myself so that my serenity is not compromised.


It's not the people I don't trust; it's the disease that I don't trust and never will. In AA, the disease of alcoholism is referred to as "cunning, baffling, and powerful". Doesn't sound trustworthy to me!

Again, I can't legislate other people's behaviors, but I can set boundaries for myself that keep my serenity and sanity intact. If that involves making sacrifices--such as limiting the contact I have with people I love due to their use of mood-and-mind altering chemicals--then that's what I need to do. This doesn't mean I love them any less or any differently; it just means I might see them less. Another option is to have open, honest discourse with them to gently make them aware of my feelings and concerns, always keeping in mind that Al-Anon teaches me to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean.

I hope you'll stick around! There are some great folks on this site.

If you haven't already done so, might I suggest you look into attending some Al-Anon meetings for support, encouragement and understanding regarding the alcoholism you've experienced in your life? I find it indispensable in learning to cope with my own family-of-origin issues and the effects of having grown up with alcoholism.

I wish you peace...