Shame
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 70
Shame
Hiya all, hope you are all well 
i am 3 days sober and feel better sinse attending AA but i am feeling really deppressed in general. I am filled with guilt and shame not only over my last drunkin eppisode but ALL the drunkin eppisodes. On my last drunkin eppisode, i want out with my mum for some SOCIABLE drinks. I ended up kissing some bloke when my boyfriend and daughter were sitting at home alone. Although we are working through it, i have been feeling so anxious that i have locked the door and ignored the phone since. I know i cannot do this forever but im so ashamed. I cant remember if my mum saw me kissing the guy or if i told her. I cannot remember getting home. Also, my boyfriend told his mother by accident (Long story) and now she is threatening to have words with me. My boyfriend said he will not let her but addmitted that she hated me now. Ive not only messed up with my boyfriend but ive messed up with EVERYONE. Im to scared to talk to my mum becuase she might tell me things i do not want to hear and im to ashamed. I just cant shift this deppression at all. I still hate myself. Now im sober im getting flashbacks of everything i did to people when i was drunk and cannot live with it. All i want to do is go to AA as they are the only ones who understand me but i cant. I have know one to look after my baby when my bf is working. Im to ashamed to speak to anyone.
Can anyone relate?
i am 3 days sober and feel better sinse attending AA but i am feeling really deppressed in general. I am filled with guilt and shame not only over my last drunkin eppisode but ALL the drunkin eppisodes. On my last drunkin eppisode, i want out with my mum for some SOCIABLE drinks. I ended up kissing some bloke when my boyfriend and daughter were sitting at home alone. Although we are working through it, i have been feeling so anxious that i have locked the door and ignored the phone since. I know i cannot do this forever but im so ashamed. I cant remember if my mum saw me kissing the guy or if i told her. I cannot remember getting home. Also, my boyfriend told his mother by accident (Long story) and now she is threatening to have words with me. My boyfriend said he will not let her but addmitted that she hated me now. Ive not only messed up with my boyfriend but ive messed up with EVERYONE. Im to scared to talk to my mum becuase she might tell me things i do not want to hear and im to ashamed. I just cant shift this deppression at all. I still hate myself. Now im sober im getting flashbacks of everything i did to people when i was drunk and cannot live with it. All i want to do is go to AA as they are the only ones who understand me but i cant. I have know one to look after my baby when my bf is working. Im to ashamed to speak to anyone.Can anyone relate?
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hi FIshy!
I can TOTALLY relate. And what you are feeling is SO normal. If you just hang in there, go to AA as much as possible, I can PROMISE you that you will get through this - and life on the other side...once through this...is going to be so much more than you probably ever imagined possilbe!!! Have a look at the promises of AA on the Aa board.
Re your behaviour - I have totally done worse! Becuase you aren't SELF MEDICATED and numbed by alcohol, you can actaully FEEL - i know it's unpleasant, but it will pass. I know the feeling you describe..btu if you stick with your program of recovery...and reach out, and accept help and the tools to make it work...well, all your relationships are going to heal> Please believe me.
At my worst drinking (binge drinker - 3 blackouts per week) my husband really felt that he hated me. I hated him actualy and was WILLING him to leave me so that I could drink in PEACE. (All I wanted was one bottle of wine in peace...LOL, of course at the end of that I wanted 2 more!)
After being in AA about 4 months, working hard, trying hard to be more honest, etc etc etc we are happier than we have ever, and I mean EVER, been. To the extent that my H wants to 'renew' our vows on our 7th year anniversary in oct.
My point : EVERYTHING that is meant to be retrievable....IS retrievable.
You are doing GREAT.
Love
CAthy31
x
I can TOTALLY relate. And what you are feeling is SO normal. If you just hang in there, go to AA as much as possible, I can PROMISE you that you will get through this - and life on the other side...once through this...is going to be so much more than you probably ever imagined possilbe!!! Have a look at the promises of AA on the Aa board.
Re your behaviour - I have totally done worse! Becuase you aren't SELF MEDICATED and numbed by alcohol, you can actaully FEEL - i know it's unpleasant, but it will pass. I know the feeling you describe..btu if you stick with your program of recovery...and reach out, and accept help and the tools to make it work...well, all your relationships are going to heal> Please believe me.
At my worst drinking (binge drinker - 3 blackouts per week) my husband really felt that he hated me. I hated him actualy and was WILLING him to leave me so that I could drink in PEACE. (All I wanted was one bottle of wine in peace...LOL, of course at the end of that I wanted 2 more!)
After being in AA about 4 months, working hard, trying hard to be more honest, etc etc etc we are happier than we have ever, and I mean EVER, been. To the extent that my H wants to 'renew' our vows on our 7th year anniversary in oct.
My point : EVERYTHING that is meant to be retrievable....IS retrievable.
You are doing GREAT.
Love
CAthy31
x
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((fishyfishy)))
I understand your distress...but, this event is in the past....I hope and pray your b/f can get over it. I know you are concerned for his feelings but, remember his feelings are his not yours.
You are working on being clean and this is what I want to reckomend that you focus on. Let the pieces fall where they may....
I understand your distress...but, this event is in the past....I hope and pray your b/f can get over it. I know you are concerned for his feelings but, remember his feelings are his not yours.
You are working on being clean and this is what I want to reckomend that you focus on. Let the pieces fall where they may....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Fishy...
First of all, congratulations on three days sober. Secondly... you're very newly sober - all of these overwhelming feelings you're having are completely, totally normal. The first few weeks/months of sobriety can be a real emotional roller coaster - I know from personal experience. Often, the emotions on the top of the list are guilt, regret, and depression. These feelings will pass with time and healing. I've been advised by others much wiser than me to allow myself to *feel* these feelings rather than running away from them or burying them - and I've found this to be true. The one thing you must *not* do is pick up a drink. It's such an easy thing to do, trying to escape these overwhelming emotions with your old buddy alcohol/other drug... but you'll continue going in circles, ever deepening, if you do that. It helped me to know that the feelings that I thought would bury me had happened to so many other recovering alcoholics/addicts - and they got through it! Which meant that I probably could too. So far, so good. I'm feeling much smoother emotionally now; I am certain that, with time, you will too.
It is important to be patient right now, be patient with yourself and with the process of becoming sober. And do get to the meetings that you can, when you have someone to watch your little girl.
Best of luck to you - and hang in there!
--anne
First of all, congratulations on three days sober. Secondly... you're very newly sober - all of these overwhelming feelings you're having are completely, totally normal. The first few weeks/months of sobriety can be a real emotional roller coaster - I know from personal experience. Often, the emotions on the top of the list are guilt, regret, and depression. These feelings will pass with time and healing. I've been advised by others much wiser than me to allow myself to *feel* these feelings rather than running away from them or burying them - and I've found this to be true. The one thing you must *not* do is pick up a drink. It's such an easy thing to do, trying to escape these overwhelming emotions with your old buddy alcohol/other drug... but you'll continue going in circles, ever deepening, if you do that. It helped me to know that the feelings that I thought would bury me had happened to so many other recovering alcoholics/addicts - and they got through it! Which meant that I probably could too. So far, so good. I'm feeling much smoother emotionally now; I am certain that, with time, you will too.
It is important to be patient right now, be patient with yourself and with the process of becoming sober. And do get to the meetings that you can, when you have someone to watch your little girl.
Best of luck to you - and hang in there!
--anne
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
(((((((((((((((Bonnie)))))))))))))) I, too, can completely relate to what you are feeling. I did everything you speak of and more. These early days of sobriety are sooooo hard, but they are worth it. I know you can't go to a meeting, but do you have an AA hotline in your area? You could call another alcholic. Also, didn't you say you got some phone numbers when you went to the meeting? If so, now is the time to use them. You are NOT ALONE!!! Hang in there and it will get better.
Hugs---
Hugs---
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Drunk City, USA
Posts: 77
fishyfishy, I very much relate to your situation. Since this is my first day of being sober my mind is reeling over what I have done during my two week binge. 
I have very bad blackouts and I'm not sure what I did or didn't do. I'm scared to leave the house -- what if I yelled at my neighbors or something and they see me? I don't want to go to the grocery store -- what if I acted like a drunken fool there? I'm scared to talk to my friends -- what if I was mean to them? I looked on my cell and it shows I called my mom on what I know was a particularly bad night -- I have no memory of what was said and I'm now avoiding her too.
My first instinct is to reach for a drink to make the feelings of nervousness and shame go away -- but you know what? A drink will just lead to more of the same so I'm not going to drink today and neither are you and our lives will do nothing but improve but because of it.
I have very bad blackouts and I'm not sure what I did or didn't do. I'm scared to leave the house -- what if I yelled at my neighbors or something and they see me? I don't want to go to the grocery store -- what if I acted like a drunken fool there? I'm scared to talk to my friends -- what if I was mean to them? I looked on my cell and it shows I called my mom on what I know was a particularly bad night -- I have no memory of what was said and I'm now avoiding her too. My first instinct is to reach for a drink to make the feelings of nervousness and shame go away -- but you know what? A drink will just lead to more of the same so I'm not going to drink today and neither are you and our lives will do nothing but improve but because of it.
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