Hi FIshy!
I can TOTALLY relate. And what you are feeling is SO normal. If you just hang in there, go to AA as much as possible, I can PROMISE you that you will get through this - and life on the other side...once through this...is going to be so much more than you probably ever imagined possilbe!!! Have a look at the promises of AA on the Aa board.
Re your behaviour - I have totally done worse! Becuase you aren't SELF MEDICATED and numbed by alcohol, you can actaully FEEL - i know it's unpleasant, but it will pass. I know the feeling you describe..btu if you stick with your program of recovery...and reach out, and accept help and the tools to make it work...well, all your relationships are going to heal> Please believe me.
At my worst drinking (binge drinker - 3 blackouts per week) my husband really felt that he hated me. I hated him actualy and was WILLING him to leave me so that I could drink in PEACE. (All I wanted was one bottle of wine in peace...LOL, of course at the end of that I wanted 2 more!)
After being in AA about 4 months, working hard, trying hard to be more honest, etc etc etc we are happier than we have ever, and I mean EVER, been. To the extent that my H wants to 'renew' our vows on our 7th year anniversary in oct.
My point : EVERYTHING that is meant to be retrievable....IS retrievable.
You are doing GREAT.
Love
CAthy31
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