Reverse sponsorship?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Reverse sponsorship?
Hello, I am faced with something right now that I am unsure what to do.
My sponsor is going through a REALLY bad time right now. She has a long distance sponsor and it's just not working, and she REALLY needs someone with what she is going through. She has told me a few times that the thought has come to her to drop me as a sponsee and in the next sentence ask me to sponsor her. She told me that sunday she came to my homegroup with the intention of doing that. At that time I told her, let's keep that option open, but for now let's just leave things as they are.
Last night, was really rough for her so she came to my house. Again the subject of reversing roles came up, and I didn't know what to say. For now, it is still her sponsoring me, but I also gave her some suggestions to write, and what to write about. It just seemed so weird. Like I was giving her an assignment rather than the other way around.
I've never dealt with something like this before, and I don't know of anyone around my area who has, I need some feedback.
Thanks, I'm confused.
My sponsor is going through a REALLY bad time right now. She has a long distance sponsor and it's just not working, and she REALLY needs someone with what she is going through. She has told me a few times that the thought has come to her to drop me as a sponsee and in the next sentence ask me to sponsor her. She told me that sunday she came to my homegroup with the intention of doing that. At that time I told her, let's keep that option open, but for now let's just leave things as they are.
Last night, was really rough for her so she came to my house. Again the subject of reversing roles came up, and I didn't know what to say. For now, it is still her sponsoring me, but I also gave her some suggestions to write, and what to write about. It just seemed so weird. Like I was giving her an assignment rather than the other way around.
I've never dealt with something like this before, and I don't know of anyone around my area who has, I need some feedback.
Thanks, I'm confused.
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
Sponser go through really bad times as well as we do, that is why we need them soo badly. I do no think it is a bad idea to help her through a "rough" time but I don't know if I would reverse sponsership.....you still need a sponser. You can help each other, you KNOW each other. It is really up to you, I guess. My sponser went through a really bad time and I just let her go through it, talk to me when she needed to. The only thing was...she had 20 years clean time and I didn't.....I do not believe I could have really helped her.....she knows the program in and out...hopefully she will use it to her advantage....good luck in whatever you decide.....Kahlia
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
namommy,
Mike went through something similar recently. His sponsor was great, someone he really could identify with, and talk to, and really feel like there was a connection there. Then he moved to South Carolina. Not too far, but far enough that it was a long distance phone call. Far enough that he no longer attended meetings in our area. And, far enough that Mike slowly stopped calling him like he 'should' have been calling. Eventually (longer than I thought it should take, but somehow managed to keep my mouth SHUT!!!!) Mike found a new sponsor, and still keeps the old one a part of his support network. But it was a really hard decision for him, and really difficult for him to find someone else that he felt would be even close to as perfect a match for him as the old one.
I don't know whether reversing the sponsorship would work or not. You know that I don't work an NA program, that is Mike's. But during the time that Mike was stuggling with what to do about his sponsor situation, I managed to listen, and when my opinion was asked (you know, the moments where I was welcomed to NOT shut my mouth, lol) I mentioned some names of people to him with a decent amount of clean time that I had noticed Mike really listened to and found things in what they would say in meetings that he could truly identify with, and said 'so and so might be someone that you could put on a list of people to consider.' He finally chose someone about a month ago - and amazingly to me, was one of the people he and I had discussed during those conversations. And he is a pretty good match for Mike-he won't let Mike get away with slacking off on phone calls or meetings, calls him on the step work that Mike says he wants to get started back on, and is just as willing to pick up the phone and say 'hey Mike, you haven't called in a few days, so I thought I'd give you a call.'
Anyway, probably nothing that answers any questions for you, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
Love and Hugs,
Trisha
Mike went through something similar recently. His sponsor was great, someone he really could identify with, and talk to, and really feel like there was a connection there. Then he moved to South Carolina. Not too far, but far enough that it was a long distance phone call. Far enough that he no longer attended meetings in our area. And, far enough that Mike slowly stopped calling him like he 'should' have been calling. Eventually (longer than I thought it should take, but somehow managed to keep my mouth SHUT!!!!) Mike found a new sponsor, and still keeps the old one a part of his support network. But it was a really hard decision for him, and really difficult for him to find someone else that he felt would be even close to as perfect a match for him as the old one.
I don't know whether reversing the sponsorship would work or not. You know that I don't work an NA program, that is Mike's. But during the time that Mike was stuggling with what to do about his sponsor situation, I managed to listen, and when my opinion was asked (you know, the moments where I was welcomed to NOT shut my mouth, lol) I mentioned some names of people to him with a decent amount of clean time that I had noticed Mike really listened to and found things in what they would say in meetings that he could truly identify with, and said 'so and so might be someone that you could put on a list of people to consider.' He finally chose someone about a month ago - and amazingly to me, was one of the people he and I had discussed during those conversations. And he is a pretty good match for Mike-he won't let Mike get away with slacking off on phone calls or meetings, calls him on the step work that Mike says he wants to get started back on, and is just as willing to pick up the phone and say 'hey Mike, you haven't called in a few days, so I thought I'd give you a call.'
Anyway, probably nothing that answers any questions for you, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
Love and Hugs,
Trisha
Greatful Sober Biker
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Cottonwood AZ.
Posts: 521
Hi namommy, That's a good question If that was me i would go with what my heart feels.I would encourge her to look for someone that has more time than you and has a working knowledge of the steps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: a spiritual vortex, Colorado
Posts: 844
HEH LAURIE
i did end up in an informal reverse sponsorship role. my sponsor had moved away, he was using [i didn't know it at the time] we were talking, he said: seems to me our roles have reversed- you're the one with the wisdom i need..."
truth to tell, i regret not getting more agressive- i was still pretty much in awe of that dude.
you know the rest of that story- i did act as his sponsor but only much later.
also- i guy with more time than me asked me to sponsor him a while back- S. said he had never done as intensive step work as he knew i had done. Turns out my sponsor at that time, RW, asked this same dude to be HIS sponsor - almost that very same night. He wanted the spiritual piece that S. had.
all of us clean today, all do service . seems weird but seems to work
like BBill sez- "heart"
hugs
mackat
i did end up in an informal reverse sponsorship role. my sponsor had moved away, he was using [i didn't know it at the time] we were talking, he said: seems to me our roles have reversed- you're the one with the wisdom i need..."
truth to tell, i regret not getting more agressive- i was still pretty much in awe of that dude.
you know the rest of that story- i did act as his sponsor but only much later.
also- i guy with more time than me asked me to sponsor him a while back- S. said he had never done as intensive step work as he knew i had done. Turns out my sponsor at that time, RW, asked this same dude to be HIS sponsor - almost that very same night. He wanted the spiritual piece that S. had.
all of us clean today, all do service . seems weird but seems to work
like BBill sez- "heart"
hugs
mackat
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
I have talked with one of my sponsees about it, she knows the situation pretty well. She feels I am already sponsoring my sponsor. We also talked about who I would ask if we decided to reverse roles. I have 2 people in mind. 1 male, 1 female.
Last night, sitting at the kitchen table going back and forth with my sponsor, I tought "Oh my God, you're frustrating"lol. She had an excuse to not take every suggestion given to her. Finally she broke, and said she would THINK about doing what I suggested.
I am really confused, this is the same person I was thinking about switching from a while back because it wasn't working (I went back to her) and guess what!? It's still not working for me.
This sux.
Last night, sitting at the kitchen table going back and forth with my sponsor, I tought "Oh my God, you're frustrating"lol. She had an excuse to not take every suggestion given to her. Finally she broke, and said she would THINK about doing what I suggested.
I am really confused, this is the same person I was thinking about switching from a while back because it wasn't working (I went back to her) and guess what!? It's still not working for me.
This sux.
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
We are all in the same boat. Sponsorship is a 2-way street, We don't get to pick and choose who will save our A$$. I've got to see my sponsor be a big baby over some things and in turn I have made some suggestions to him that have work. We are vehicles of God, we are here for each other. Words from Greg P:" Even if our sponsor is the biggest fool, its still better than the energy that got us here. When I tell you I'm and Addict you already know I'm a fool".
I hope things work out, right now she needs you and you will need her, the relationship will flurish through the storms and the good as well.
Todd J.
I hope things work out, right now she needs you and you will need her, the relationship will flurish through the storms and the good as well.
Todd J.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
I am really confused, this is the same person I was thinking about switching from a while back because it wasn't working (I went back to her) and guess what!? It's still not working for me.
As far as you sponsoring here, pray about that one.
I had a sponsor relapse once and when got back to the rooms, (I got a new sponsor) and we talked about me sponsoring her. I delclined, I felt it was best for her to go find a new sponsor. I felt that I would be to codie to sponsor her
. She understood, moved on and we are friends. But that is just me .The right answer will come to you, I know it will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Thank you all.
A little bit of FYI about me, I tend to be straight forward and at times brutally honest. Last night I kind of got a little harsh (which is normal for me) and I think she has now changed her miind about me being her sponsor.lol Today when we talked, she wanted to know if I could suggest someone that might be a good sponsor for her. (I have never been accused of being lovey, dovey and nicey nicey).
I don't want to bail on her right now. That is what is going on. Her 2 adult sons have turned their back on her and won't talk to her, she isn't allowed to see her grandson, and now her husband has filed for divorce. All in a matter of 2 months.
I will be OK. I am just going to continue on writing on my 4th step, get support from others, and ride it out for now.
A little bit of FYI about me, I tend to be straight forward and at times brutally honest. Last night I kind of got a little harsh (which is normal for me) and I think she has now changed her miind about me being her sponsor.lol Today when we talked, she wanted to know if I could suggest someone that might be a good sponsor for her. (I have never been accused of being lovey, dovey and nicey nicey).
I don't want to bail on her right now. That is what is going on. Her 2 adult sons have turned their back on her and won't talk to her, she isn't allowed to see her grandson, and now her husband has filed for divorce. All in a matter of 2 months.
I will be OK. I am just going to continue on writing on my 4th step, get support from others, and ride it out for now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
I think she's just tired of having to do all the legwork .. ya know living through those trying experiences staying clean.. probably wants to take a break, rest up and let you set the example for a bit... :O yikes.
Just For Today
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Western New York
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by godsonmyside
Sponsorship is a 2-way street, We don't get to pick and choose who will save our A$$. I've got to see my sponsor be a big baby over some things and in turn I have made some suggestions to him that have work. We are vehicles of God, we are here for each other.
What does your sponsor's sponsor think of the issue?
If it were me (pure suggestion) I would put it in my HP's hands and meditate for that answer. You'll know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Originally Posted by WNY Addict
What does your sponsor's sponsor think of the issue?
Unfortunately, she tried to call her sponsor yesterday, and her cell phone is disconnected. Which, personally, scares the he** out of me. My grand sponsor has been battling with cancer for about 4 years, and in Nov. she was informed that the prognosis was not good. She is a long distance sponsor (we're near philly, she is in Queens, NY) So we can't just pop over and check on her.
Oh, the complexities of a family.
Thank God I have SR, and God to help me through.
Just For Today
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Western New York
Posts: 133
Originally Posted by namommy
Unfortunately, she tried to call her sponsor yesterday, and her cell phone is disconnected. Which, personally, scares the he** out of me. My grand sponsor has been battling with cancer for about 4 years, and in Nov. she was informed that the prognosis was not good. She is a long distance sponsor (we're near philly, she is in Queens, NY) So we can't just pop over and check on her.
Oh, the complexities of a family.
Thank God I have SR, and God to help me through.
Oh, the complexities of a family.
Thank God I have SR, and God to help me through.
Like you said you have both SR and God to help you through. Have you discussed it with any "sponsorship sisters"? Maybe see where they're at with your sponsor... see what they're thinking.
Like I said, if it were me I would just put it in the HP's hands and just listen and meditate for that answer. Talk about it. You and your current sponsor will know what to do.
Prayers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Paulie,
I only have 1 sponsee sister left, and she only calls ANYONE if she wants a favor from you. Her other sponsees bailed a while ago.
She came to my homegroup tonite, and we had a chance to talk, I called her on some things that I feel she needs to look at (such as why is EVERYONE bailing, it can't be that everyone else is wrong and she is the only one that is right). I suggested something that she can do to look at this, and she said "OK". plain and simple, she seemed OK with it tonite.
God, I feel like my head is going to explode. Between her and my husband and some family issues, and sponsees disappearing, and on top of it all I had to go to Area Circus today. of as one of my friends calls it 'scare-ea'. It certainly can be 'scary'.
I feel like such a whiner lately. God I hate it.
I only have 1 sponsee sister left, and she only calls ANYONE if she wants a favor from you. Her other sponsees bailed a while ago.
She came to my homegroup tonite, and we had a chance to talk, I called her on some things that I feel she needs to look at (such as why is EVERYONE bailing, it can't be that everyone else is wrong and she is the only one that is right). I suggested something that she can do to look at this, and she said "OK". plain and simple, she seemed OK with it tonite.
God, I feel like my head is going to explode. Between her and my husband and some family issues, and sponsees disappearing, and on top of it all I had to go to Area Circus today. of as one of my friends calls it 'scare-ea'. It certainly can be 'scary'.
I feel like such a whiner lately. God I hate it.
Mending
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Atlantic Canada
Posts: 299
Hey Laurie!
((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))
I think you need a nice vacation away from all your stress. Why don't you take a week (or so) off work, hop into your new to you car and come and visit us here in my neck of the woods!!
I guarantee that by the time you get home (if you even want to go back!), you will wonder what all your problems were about anyway! Our laid back, easy way of life will knock the stress right out of you!
Seriously, though, you are in my thoughts and prayers through this difficult time. You are not alone!
Peace
cj
((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))
I think you need a nice vacation away from all your stress. Why don't you take a week (or so) off work, hop into your new to you car and come and visit us here in my neck of the woods!!
I guarantee that by the time you get home (if you even want to go back!), you will wonder what all your problems were about anyway! Our laid back, easy way of life will knock the stress right out of you!
Seriously, though, you are in my thoughts and prayers through this difficult time. You are not alone!
Peace
cj
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
it can't be that everyone else is wrong and she is the only one that is right
Laurie when I get where you are in my head my sponsor reminds me to think of what I would tell a sponsee if she were where I am, know what I mean?
Disappearing sponsees...yeah I have one of those to.
I am praying for peace for you my friend.
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