Abandoned

I got fed up with my AH about 4 weeks ago. I told him to get out. He told me he would stop drinking and I told him that he would have to show me by either going to AA or going to a Doctor. "Willpower" was simply not going to do it.
He has gone to AA for about 3-4 weeks now. He is going 3 - 4 times a week. He seems to really enjoy the meetings, he has bought the Big Book and just yesterday he bought another book -- the 12 steps and 12 traditions or something like that. He has had 3 lapses. We went on vacation last week and he was sober every day. Just yesterday he talked to me about the "lies" that alcholics tell themselves. I know that at least once, he called his sponsor and he told me it was because he wanted to drink. We have had some honesty going on.
Well, today, I come home from work and there he is--Mr glassy eyed and wobbling. There is a half empty bottle of whiskey in his hiding place in the garage. He is sacked out in the living room. I know that I am supposed to make consequences stick.....I am asking those of you who have partially recovering spouses if there is hope! Or should I just tell him to get out. I was the one that essentially told him to go--so does this mean that he really still wants to drink and what is the use?
When we were on vacation, I had a drink in the bar of the hotel we were staying with my daughter. I realized that the only time that I think about drinking is a festive occasion, but it seems like he drinks because it is his way of coping with everyday life.
Is this whole thing just hopeless.......I am not in pain or devastated, sort of a resigned feeling--I just need to get some ideas on what you all did and how it turned out. It also helps to write about it a bit! I don't want to enable him, I don't want to punish him. I had asked him --the ever drinking drunk -- to go for me, but if he is sober--I WANT HIM.

Zoey

You did not say if you have tried Al-Anon???
This is a great site, but I feel we need both. See you have been a member here sinse nov 2004, so you have no doubt read everything and tried face to face meetings.

I always think as long as they are breathing there is HOPE, depends on what you want and need, everyone case is different. Best wishes for you both always clancy46

Aquiana

Hi Abandoned,

There still could be hope. Have you talked to him yet about what happened and why he chose to drink? Does he still seem like he wants to work on things 100%?

I'm not saying that he won't start drinking regularily again. My abf slipped off the wagon and he never got back on, but I do believe that everyone is different that way. Addiction is really hard to beat, but that doesn't say for sure that you AH won't get back on and keep plugging away. I'd make it clear how you feel about him slipping. Only you can decide whether you want to take the risks since it can go either way, but I do think there's still hope. You have all the time you need, but put up with only what you are willing to endure.

ellima01

How many times can the "A" relapse and still be considered a recovering Alcoholic- I mean I know relapse is a "normal part" of some A's recovery- but I think mine is in one terinal relapse. He drinks until something terrible happens(and it always does) then he goes sober (sometimes for a week- month- even 3 monthes one time) then he decides that it is not fair that he is an alcoholic(and he knows he is) and he wants to drink. Is this relapse or what---- I get really confused

Time2Surrender

I like Clancy's advice.I would try Al-Anon.

Veronica

I found myself in a similar situation. My AH went to rehab and then relapsed several times. I could tell he didn't have his heart in his recovery and my intuition said it wasn't going to get better, so I made him move out. We were separated for almost 3 months when he hit his "rock bottom" so to speak and decided for himself that he wanted to get sober. I let him move back home (although we hung on to his apartment as a back up). Once he came home, he truly struggled with his sobriety - he relapsed 2 or 3 more times before he finally got it. I stood behind him during those relapses and did not make him move back out - my intuition (and my HP) told me that I needed to support him. Talk to your AH and listen to your intuition and HP. You'll know what to do.

Veronica

Ellima - I know what you are saying. Honestly, you truly have to trust your intuition and your HP to know whether your AH is working his program and struggling with a few relapses or being a dry drunk with periods of sobriety. Having been there with my AH, I can see with crystal clarity the difference between when my AH was trying to get sober on his own terms (which obviously never worked) and now when he has finally surrendered his disease to God and put his heart into his recovery. I knew my AH had turned the corner when he bought alcohol to drink, brought it home, sat it on the counter and then called his sponsor. He sponsor helped him through the situation - my AH did not rely on his own willpower or strength. It's a tough situation and I hope this helps!

ggnewme

This is a most confusing issue... I just broke it off with my ABF, although he is "quitting." I put that in quotes because like Veronica said I do not feel that his heart is in his recovery - it's all will power, according to him. And you know what? I posted this thread called "Treatment/Recovery Stats" over in the Alcoholism board, and was told that statistically, most people just quit drinking - that for a lot of people no therapy is necessary.

Never the less, he told me flat out that he was quitting for me, and I didn't buy it - I did not trust his success based on that reasoning.

Anyway, I agree with the notion of talking to him about his relapse, especially if you are able to be unemotional about it. And, I'd encourage him to talk to his sponsor about it, and to get in the habit of calling his people when he's feeling like drinking. That's the thing about help, or at least some serious self analysis, in my opinion - it's one thing to quit - anyone can do that for a period of time. It's a whole different ball game to go deeper, and figure out WHY you drink, and WHY you relapse, and figuring out AHEAD of time how to handle those urges...

Good luck - and Veronica, thanks for your story - I still do have hope that exABF is off somewhere pulling himself together, instead of relapsing.....

ALONE WITH FIVE

Your confusion brings back my own.....though I don't deal with it in my daily life anymore, I did. My husband got sober a year ago February after getting a DUI. He kept drinking and I had to make him leave. He came back after two weeks so much like the man I had fallen in love with. There were many stressors, five children, not working, losing his license and not being able to drive, court ordered out-patient rehab a new but very demanding job...Now he is dead. He died in a violent single car accident in the middle of the night on December 19th while drinking, almost four months ago. I knew in my core that he was drinking, but I couldn't prove it. He denied denied denied. His behavior the night before with my seventeen year old son confirmed the worst. There was an altercation in the drive way and he was going to run over my son who didn't want him to drive away drunk, which of course he wasn't!! He did not come home that night, worked the next day, came home full of anger and resentment and locked our 12 year old daughter out of the house and kept the nine year old inside with him, scared to death. When I returned from christmas shopping and confronted him about his interactions with the children he stormed out of the house with a bag of clothes saying he was going to his aunt's house. I screamed "GOOD!" as the door slammed shut. At 4:30 am I opened that same door to the State Patrol and a Clergyman. Where do you draw the line? I can only wonder if I had made him leave back in the fall when I first suspected he was drinking if he might be alive today. So many different ways it all could have gone, but ultimately, he was in the drivers seat with his alcoholism and it was only up to him where he was going to take it. I could try to grab the wheel and direct it where I thought it needed to go for a moment, but you know you can't just drive with a steering wheel. He had the breaks, the warning signals, the horn, the lights....all the tools were in his hands and I couldn't drive for him. My heart is broken, along with our five children. I am having to live with the hell he created for us by dying. Hell is losing the most important thing in your life, your best friend, your lover, your partner, your future, your soulmate. What could I have done differently? I think I would tell him to leave and come back when he is well, whether it took two months or two years. Anything would be better than dead.

ggnewme

Alone with Five - thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to SR. I'm so sorry for your loss.....

I LOVE your analogy about the car, and the A being in the driver's seat. That summed up how I felt about my entire relationship with my exABF, and infact I literally had to grab the wheel and steer us away from a fast approaching telephone pole or two...

Thanks again...

HockeyMom

Alone with Five - thanks for sharing. It must be so hard for you.

My AH flipped our car on April 5th (just 8 days ago). He walked away with some scratches and a sore neck. Thankfully no one else was involved.

After seeing the car, I am still in shock that he isn't dead. He says he's learned his lesson and I am really struggling to believe it. I know I should believe him until he shows me otherwise, but I am angry that he is not suffering any consequences for his actions. He was not even charged with anything because he said someone else was driving and took off.

I honestly think if he doesn't learn from this, I will need to to ask him to leave.

Glissenzz

It is sad, but even when an alcoholic wants to stop it is difficult. My boyfriend stopped for almost 3 months living in a homeless shelter, and had no money, thanks to donating plasma, and no long living in the homeless shelter because of a jerk that liked to bully there that was in charge, he is drinking tonight. I love him, but I hate his alcoholism. hate it, and I don't think it is going anywhere.

bamboo10

Abandoned, I am in the same boat. I'm 90% positive my recovering abf was drinking last night. He denied it but time will surely tell.... Not sure what I want to do about this. Kind of tempted to say f this and get out. I love him but i will not spend the rest of my life this way. Might as well get the heartbreak over with now.

Tuffgirl

Folks - this is a very old thread from 2005. Just FYI.