elizabeth1979

Was wondering if anyone had a SO who wac completely smothering and untrusting after you started setting boundries.
I have started doing alot of 'me things' and just have had a rather cavalier attitude of much of his comings and goings and dont explain or justify mine anymore. Well he does not seem to like this very much and has decided its because I am being selfish, mean, and a bitch (his words). He says love is when you give up everything about yourself to be with someone else and I am not acting like I love him anymore. I have to travel occasionally for work and I told him this am that in April I had two trips to the midwest. He was furious and said I couldnt go (Like he has the right to tell me that) and that he would never go anywhere without me and if I went, we were over.
I have told him that was his problem if he felt he couldnt allow it, bc I was going and sorry he was upset about it.
But, has anyone else experienced this kind of stuff?

CatsTail

Yes and it's called "he wants his control back, he wants you to be the way you were before so he can control and manipulate you so he can continue in his addiction.

He is a King Baby. There is a little booklet in A.A called just that King Baby.

You are throwing him off balance changing the rules of his making him feel threatened and keep it up.

Ngaire

Magichappens

My first goal when I started therapy and Al-Anon was to learn to love without losing myself. It's not easy when one person decides to become an individual again, while the other still wants to hold hostages. Sticking up for my recovery eventually brought recovery into my home. But even if that hadn't happened, I had already decided I liked me enough to continue mine. Hugs, Magic

minnie

That sounds like enmeshment to me, and not a place that I'd like to be in a relationship. If I have to change myself to be with someone, then that is just too high a price to pay.

When we start to set and enforce boundaries, there is very often a lot of flack. This is natural - think of it like kids testing their boundaries just to check where they are and how they are supposed to behave. He'll probably get used to it as long as you keep it up.

Don't give up!

Take care

Minnie
xxx

JT

Elizabeth,

Nothing changes if nothing changes but then some handle change better than others. It sounds like you have his attention!

Hugs,
JT

Daffodil

Elizabeth, I won't try to analyze anyone's behavior but having lived low these many years with a wonderful man who wants all his loved ones in their little boxes I can tell you it won't get better with age. In some ways it gets harder because he says it feels real scarely to him for me to go anywhere without him. However I was dieing a very slow death being smothered with feathers of love trying to live that way.

I hope you will stand by your decision to go, I only wish I hadn't waited so many years to stand on my own two feet and do the things I really wanted to do without feeling guilty for meeting my own needs. I do not believe anyone person can be my everything not do I believe I should be his everything. After a while being someone's everything can become a real burden.

Dee at Mt Bully

There is a really great book call The dance of anger--it talks about how if one partner
alters the steps in the dance the other has to follow or adjust or not dance--it
is directly about what is happening with you. You are doing a good thing for yourself
and obviously he doesn't want to adjust---keep doing the right thing for yourself--
it's up to him to get back in the dance or out--Here's to you---Smiles--Dee

pmaslan

When I first started to set boundries and take back my life my SO was down right scared. He told me he was afraid I would leave him. He thought I would see that I didn't need him and perhaps leave the relationship. I know it sounds selfish but I found some bit of satisfaction in the "scared" look on his face and unsure tone in his voice. God knows I had that deer in the headlight look with him countless times. Stay consistant, he will have to get used to the new you.
Love, Patty

elizabeth1979

You guys are all right and in fact I quoted a couple of you in our conversation last night. He isnt budging on his feelings, nor am I. My reservations were made today...I am going
Thanks everyone

Magichappens

My sponsor in Al-Anon asked me what was the worst thing that could happen if I chose to do the things I needed and wanted to do for myself. Fortunately for me, Mr Magic has never been violent. Strong willed, opinionated, dominating, and manipulative, but not physical. The worst thing I could think of was that he would pitch a temper tantrum, psych me out by manipulation, or ultimately we would part. The way things were going, that was going to happen whether I sought recovery or not. So what did I have to lose? Only my own misery. Hugs, Magic