ddConcerned

My boyfriend is just now coming to terms with an intensive seven year addiction to alcohol. He thinks he will just will himself into sobriety without attending meetings as he is a professional and concerned about his reputation. He has now only been sober for three days (a huge feat) and wants me to spend the entire weekend with him so he does not drink. He wants to pack as much activity in as possible to act as a distraction. My question is this: Am I helping him by staying with him as many hours a day as possible at this early time so he has support to not drink or am I somehow taking away his responsibility to himself? I cannot be with him 24 hours a day and I am not sure that this is healthy, but honestly I don't know. Is it good to support him as fully as possible early on so that it may bolster his resolve when he is alone later or am I allowing myself to be a crutch that he will later blame a relapse on (ie "you weren't there)? I need some advice!!!

nocellphone

Self-will is exactly what causes the problem in the first place.

Does he understand that AA is anonymous for that very reason? Maintaining a reputation is a terrible reason for staying sick with the disease of alcoholism. Continuing to drink will ruin a reputation faster than someone finding out that a person is a recovering alcoholic.

There are AA meetings set up specifically for professionals, if he feels he needs to be around his peers.

What does your gut instinct say? It sounds like you're saying that you're willing to support his attempted sobriety but only within reason, stopping short of being used as "a crutch". Sounds healthy enough to me! In Al-Anon, that's called "setting healthy boundaries".

I'm not sure that it's healthy for me to be with anyone 24 hours a day, with the possible exception of myself!

I think so, as long as you don't lose yourself in the process. The first thing I learned in Al-Anon was to put my focus where it belongs... on myself.
It's just like the airplane idea: I need to put the oxygen mask on myself first before even attempting to help anyone else, especially a grown adult who's capable of doing things for themselves.

"Support" is one thing; "enabling" is another. Feel your way. Listen to that inner voice of instinct.

Have you attended Al-Anon? http://alanon.org/meetings/nevada.html

I wish you both peace...

walkingtheline

You said he's a "professional". I would think that when someone needs his professional help he thinks the wise thing for them to do is seek him out.
He in turn needs professional help and must seek it out on his own. Unless you are a professional in the field this simply is not your job!

I would not babysit or guard or take on a job that is not mine. If some of his planned activities sound like something you'd enjoy, by all means, join him for the fun. But do so as a companion in that fun, not as a guard.

In my humble opinion, to act as his cop I think is enabling and setting yourself up to be blamed when it fails.

ddConcerned

Thank you for the posts! I completely agree with both, I want to be supportive but don't know how to do so without running the danger of becoming a crutch. He is very defensive, something I have found common with this illness, and while I am in the field myself I am not at the same level he is. It is a problem of self will, until he is able to give up the control to a higher power and realize that he can't just will things into place he'll never reallyu begin recovery, but my question is, where do I fit in in order to ensure that I don't become his enabler while at the same time beign supportive? What is the best way to walk this line? i even question if it is healthy for him to be in a relationship at this time. don't misinterpret, I do love him, but I know I love him enough to want him to recover and find peace. What am I supposed to do?

nocellphone

Click here: http://alanon.org/meetings/nevada.html

ddConcerned

Thank you. Looks like there are many meetings in my area