bahookie

I don’t know if this is a normal personality flaw or something I’ve developed since living with this disease.
With my son I’m scared of rocking the boat, he saw a lot of drunken violence when he was just tiny – it’s like I have to compensate for the start of his life. I let him away with so much and it’s only now I’m getting the courage to stop things and say no, that’s not the way it’s going to be.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good boy, and the things that rub me up the wrong way may be impoliteness, a little side-swerving of respect for elders, you get the idea. He excels at school, has friends I don’t have to worry about, and the most rebellious thing he’s done so far is not phone exactly when he should have to let me know where he is.
I’m learning with him. I’m starting to nip things in the bud and address things that I want to change.
Why can’t I do this with my A? She’s shifty with money, miserly when it comes to things like having the heating on, some bills have lain unpaid for a year (and now I’m being asked to help pay them off when I paid my share last year – where did the money go?)
Now she’s upgrading her car. She’s not been working, we have a hole in the roof, the bathroom still isn’t finished after 2 years, her credit card is up to the limit, and there’s tax bills in almost every post.
I had a bad year once and am still chipping away at the debt I ran up. It’s getting there, bit by bit.
How many times I’ve had “I pay all my bills” when I sigh at the amount still left, or say I’d like a holiday.
She doesn’t! And yet I listen to this while biting my lip. I don’t want the confrontation, the big pile of justification (blah blah blah) the outright lying, and the bad mood later.
It’s pathetic!
This is building big resentments in my head. She did something similar in the summer (she had a foreign holiday, but I couldn’t afford it and of course “she didn’t have to live cheap like me” and I still can’t get rid of it. We haven’t been very intimate since then and I know that I’m damaging our relationship and my own head by not being able to deal with it.
How on earth do I do this?

It makes me feel like an idiot which makes it even harder to be strong!

Duh
Jane
xxx

Ann

I too find confrontation difficult. Often I choose to stay quiet rather than disturb the peace. But that just sends the turmoil back down inside., resolves nothing and leaves the problem sitting there.

Perhaps the secret is learning to discuss without it being confrontational. "you are being rude" is confrontational, "hearing that hurts my feelings" is a better way, for me.

Hugs
Ann

JT

Jane,

The thing is that we can not change another adult. We can let them know how we feel but in the end we can't hold them down and force them to be any different. So it becomes what we are willing to live with.

There was a time with Ward that I simply told him "I am not going anywhere right now but I will not be living this way forever" In our case it was uncertainty of a differerent kind but I was pretty specific. He did make some adjustments but if he hadn't I would have been left with a decision.

Hugs,
JT

cwohio

jane - i too have this fear of "rocking the boat" and what Ann said is excellent and makes perfect sense. i think that's why i still have some anger/resentments to deal with - because i am not sharing what i am feeling for fear of an upheaval!

thanks ann and jt for sharing your perspectives!

bahookie

You see, when she's being like this there is no way out. If I try to be diplomatic it's all in my head. None of it's real and as soon as I say anything the automatic response is "Rubbish!"
I think what I may need to do is just keep repeating myself until the message gets through.

I do enjoy the times she acts sane. They are nice.

I find myself taken aback at those times though!

Maybe she'll surprise me and this will be one.
Jane
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ps the hugs were very gratefully appreciated