My child is an addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 5
My child is an addict
I am a newcomer to this board, having only posted one reply so far. (I hate to admit, but it took me 15 mins. to figure out how to start a new thread. 
My 23 year old daughter has been using meth. This girl is SO talented, intelligent and beautiful, it just dumbfounds me that she has become an addict. Obviously she is hurting badly but I have no clue as to what all is in her head.
I'm sure I am biased but I think there is definitely a difference between a parent/addict child's relationship and another codependent/addict's relationship. I love this child w/ every fiber of my being and am having the worst time trying to cope w/ her addiction. At times I feel like I am ready to break down, to break her neck, to offer her anything I have to get her sober, to plead and beg her to stop, etc., etc. I feel like I am frantically searching for the right things to say to make her well, even though I logically know I can't do that. I think about her 24/7 and will burst into tears about every 5 mins., when I stop to think about her and what she is doing to her life. We parents have such high hopes (?standards?) for our children that it is tearing me up inside to see her like this.
I have been trying to find reading resources to help me cope as my husband says, "Just quit worrying about her." How does a mother do that? Melody Beattie describes me to a 'T' in her book, "Codependent No More" when she says: "I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again. They were that angry because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry.
They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control. Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone. And nobody but them seemed to notice or care.
I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done. I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty.
I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn't know what reality was.
I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people's problems they didn't have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack". That's ME!!! All of it is ME!!!!
In addition to her addiction, my daughter is living w/ her bf and his family in a ghetto-type of situation and her bf is totally controlling and a loser/user.
My mind KNOWS I need to back off but my heart keeps making me try to intervene and she just seems to drift further away. Can somebody PLEASE give me some insight? Do you know any "special" words you can use to "fix" me and my broken heart? Thanks!
My 23 year old daughter has been using meth. This girl is SO talented, intelligent and beautiful, it just dumbfounds me that she has become an addict. Obviously she is hurting badly but I have no clue as to what all is in her head.
I'm sure I am biased but I think there is definitely a difference between a parent/addict child's relationship and another codependent/addict's relationship. I love this child w/ every fiber of my being and am having the worst time trying to cope w/ her addiction. At times I feel like I am ready to break down, to break her neck, to offer her anything I have to get her sober, to plead and beg her to stop, etc., etc. I feel like I am frantically searching for the right things to say to make her well, even though I logically know I can't do that. I think about her 24/7 and will burst into tears about every 5 mins., when I stop to think about her and what she is doing to her life. We parents have such high hopes (?standards?) for our children that it is tearing me up inside to see her like this.
I have been trying to find reading resources to help me cope as my husband says, "Just quit worrying about her." How does a mother do that? Melody Beattie describes me to a 'T' in her book, "Codependent No More" when she says: "I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again. They were that angry because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry.
They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control. Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone. And nobody but them seemed to notice or care.
I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done. I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty.
I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn't know what reality was.
I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people's problems they didn't have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack". That's ME!!! All of it is ME!!!!
In addition to her addiction, my daughter is living w/ her bf and his family in a ghetto-type of situation and her bf is totally controlling and a loser/user.
My mind KNOWS I need to back off but my heart keeps making me try to intervene and she just seems to drift further away. Can somebody PLEASE give me some insight? Do you know any "special" words you can use to "fix" me and my broken heart? Thanks!
Professional Hanger On'er
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Way out of Town, MI
Posts: 103
Welcome chug. Join the clubs of struggling Moms who are more supportive than any I have found in the past. Reading your post is a reminder of all those I have joined with in Momhood. Come on over to the Nar-Anon forum. I promise you will find the support you need. I look forward to seeing you there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 59
Chug a lug,
I hear your pain. I have 2 nephews and a sister who are addicts. I'm not a mom of an addict, but I feel alot of pain, and I see the pain that my sister and mother feel. Post in the Naranon forum, there are alot of moms dealing with what you're dealing with who post there and will reply to your questions. I'm printing some Naranon literature, Letter from your addict, for you to read. I will also post a link to Naranon. Please find a meeting and attend. If you can't find a Naranon meeting , try Alanon. You need to be aware that as a mom, you can help your daughter in beneficial ways, but sometimes we think we are helping, when we are actually helping them to continue to use drugs without suffering the consequences of their choices. Please try Naranon, because the best thing you can do for your daughter is to get help for yourself. Take care.
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY (FROM THE DRUG ADDICT)
I am a drug user. I need help.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue, whether I'm loaded or sober. It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. Don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't cover for me or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. Find NARANON, whose groups exist to help the families of drug abusers.
I need help --- from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from a recovering addict who found sobriety in NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS, and from God. I cannot help myself.
Your User
http://nar-anon.org/index.html
Lori
I hear your pain. I have 2 nephews and a sister who are addicts. I'm not a mom of an addict, but I feel alot of pain, and I see the pain that my sister and mother feel. Post in the Naranon forum, there are alot of moms dealing with what you're dealing with who post there and will reply to your questions. I'm printing some Naranon literature, Letter from your addict, for you to read. I will also post a link to Naranon. Please find a meeting and attend. If you can't find a Naranon meeting , try Alanon. You need to be aware that as a mom, you can help your daughter in beneficial ways, but sometimes we think we are helping, when we are actually helping them to continue to use drugs without suffering the consequences of their choices. Please try Naranon, because the best thing you can do for your daughter is to get help for yourself. Take care.
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY (FROM THE DRUG ADDICT)
I am a drug user. I need help.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue, whether I'm loaded or sober. It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. Don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made, stick to it.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't cover for me or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as my using continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. Find NARANON, whose groups exist to help the families of drug abusers.
I need help --- from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from a recovering addict who found sobriety in NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS, and from God. I cannot help myself.
Your User
http://nar-anon.org/index.html
Lori
chiquita
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Spider web
Posts: 44
Chug a Lug. readin g your letter brought me memories of not long ago.
I was in a desperated situation too for many years of seeing my 21 years old addict son homeless, put in jail 2, rehab centers until now that seems in calm for how long? I just pray to GOD that this time will be THE ONE.
HE went to a Christian Rehab center and he says that God in within. HE has become stronger, goes to meetings within the church. If it will last or not, I do not know. I just pray and pray and take 1 day at a time.
Please visit naranon here..it has helped me a great deal.
I wll pray for you
mayra
I was in a desperated situation too for many years of seeing my 21 years old addict son homeless, put in jail 2, rehab centers until now that seems in calm for how long? I just pray to GOD that this time will be THE ONE.
HE went to a Christian Rehab center and he says that God in within. HE has become stronger, goes to meetings within the church. If it will last or not, I do not know. I just pray and pray and take 1 day at a time.
Please visit naranon here..it has helped me a great deal.
I wll pray for you
mayra
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