Admittance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 5
Admittance
Well, I have spent a good majority of the last 2 hours reading about many problems of others that somehow mirror those of my own after having yet another blow out with my finace' about his drinking. I guess I didn't think I would wind up here, not that here is entirely bad, but it could be much better.
What began as a fairytale reunion with my high school sweetheart 2 and a half years ago, has turned a bit ugly since our engagement a few months ago.
My fiance' got arrested for a DWI after blowing a .22 breathalyzer back at the end of October on a bright sunny sunday morning.
(I had been noticing the bottles of gin, beer, bourbon, wine disappearing at an unusually rapid rate, but unfortunatley didn't piece it all together until that one fateful day).
His license of course was immediatly revoked and so I picked up his pieces and told him I would drive him to work, court dates, etc.
I wanted to be totally supportive.
(Though we were living 2 hours apart I had recently graduated from nursing school and didn't have a job so I had a bit of flexibility in my schedule to help him out and besides, we were apartment hunting for our first place together so I figured no big deal).
Only, I began to feel resentment as the days wore on.
Not doing much for myself anymore, but always having to take him to work, lawyer's office, court, grocery shopping, etc.
He claimed he wasn't drinking anymore and then a few weeks later I found 5 fifths of bourbon, 2 and half empty, within a 4 day period and I lost it!
He admitted that he has a problem bigger than he realized, but that hasn't stopped him.
Yes, he has slowed down slightly, but still consumes on a nightly basis, as he tells me to ward off the detox symptoms.
But now everything just sounds like an excuse.
He has lied to me, but worse of all he continues to lie to himself.
I seriously lack trust in him these days and have threatened to lsever this relationship several times, only to be too weak to leave.
I don't know when its too much????
I do know that I am tired of the lying and the constant deceit while I am still trying to help get his life straightened up.
Some days I can play it off like his drinking doesn't bother me, but the anger builds up and I wonder and fear for mine/his/our future.
I grew up with a father who was and still is a reclusive ah and now the whole cliche about daughter's marrying men that resemble their fathers seems to be chiming very loud.
(My mother is a very strong determined woman, who played/plays the role of a co-dependant and the martyr quite well and I already see my reactions running parallel).
I try to respond positively, but I only react with a shorter fuse as the days go by.
I am currently trying to seek out therapy, as I've my own issues with depression, but so far its been a waiting period and the moments continue to grow more stressful and my self-determination gets the best of me.
Thanks for reading.
I am not entirely sure what I am trying to gain from this, but if nothing else, its helpful to know that ultimately I am not alone.
What began as a fairytale reunion with my high school sweetheart 2 and a half years ago, has turned a bit ugly since our engagement a few months ago.
My fiance' got arrested for a DWI after blowing a .22 breathalyzer back at the end of October on a bright sunny sunday morning.
(I had been noticing the bottles of gin, beer, bourbon, wine disappearing at an unusually rapid rate, but unfortunatley didn't piece it all together until that one fateful day).
His license of course was immediatly revoked and so I picked up his pieces and told him I would drive him to work, court dates, etc.
I wanted to be totally supportive.
(Though we were living 2 hours apart I had recently graduated from nursing school and didn't have a job so I had a bit of flexibility in my schedule to help him out and besides, we were apartment hunting for our first place together so I figured no big deal).
Only, I began to feel resentment as the days wore on.
Not doing much for myself anymore, but always having to take him to work, lawyer's office, court, grocery shopping, etc.
He claimed he wasn't drinking anymore and then a few weeks later I found 5 fifths of bourbon, 2 and half empty, within a 4 day period and I lost it!
He admitted that he has a problem bigger than he realized, but that hasn't stopped him.
Yes, he has slowed down slightly, but still consumes on a nightly basis, as he tells me to ward off the detox symptoms.
But now everything just sounds like an excuse.
He has lied to me, but worse of all he continues to lie to himself.
I seriously lack trust in him these days and have threatened to lsever this relationship several times, only to be too weak to leave.
I don't know when its too much????
I do know that I am tired of the lying and the constant deceit while I am still trying to help get his life straightened up.
Some days I can play it off like his drinking doesn't bother me, but the anger builds up and I wonder and fear for mine/his/our future.
I grew up with a father who was and still is a reclusive ah and now the whole cliche about daughter's marrying men that resemble their fathers seems to be chiming very loud.
(My mother is a very strong determined woman, who played/plays the role of a co-dependant and the martyr quite well and I already see my reactions running parallel).
I try to respond positively, but I only react with a shorter fuse as the days go by.
I am currently trying to seek out therapy, as I've my own issues with depression, but so far its been a waiting period and the moments continue to grow more stressful and my self-determination gets the best of me.
Thanks for reading.
I am not entirely sure what I am trying to gain from this, but if nothing else, its helpful to know that ultimately I am not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: in here somewhere
Posts: 46
You aren't even a little bit alone
Once is too much. But then we forgive then 10 times is too much. Then we forgive. Then 10 years is too much. Forgive. 25 years is too much. Now you are 45.......then another couple years doesn't seem so much. You will know when you hit your bottom. Ironic, their bottom doesn't seem to parallel your own. I am sad for you. I am sad for me. I watched a movie tonite. 50 first dates with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler...she has amnesia and every day she wakes up and can't remember what happened the day before. So she starts all over again. Keeps meeting the same guy, falling in love with him every day. Sleeps wakes up, can't remember the day before, and falls in love with Adam Sandler again..........I thought oh my gosh. Alcoholic Husband is like this Amnesiac. Gets Drunk, wakes up the next day looks at me as tho I am new, is nice all day, get's drunk at dark, passes out. Wakes up, looks at me again like the day before didn't happen, he forgot. I did not. And over and over and over he has amnesia, I relive each day the same as the day before. I choose not to be in the movie of 50 first dates. 27 years late.........I wish you the best of luck, I have been apart from my husband for 3 weeks today physically. Which has been easier than the years we have been apart, emotionally. I hope you find your way. I only found this place in the last few weeks. And frankly, I thought I was alone too. But I am not. I have a whole crowd of people to blend in with, and they all look just like me, and I haven't ever even seen a one of them. Keep reading, and coming here. The days really will get easier. I have had two easier days in a row. Can't remember the last time that has happened. Hugs to you, I have some to spare. I got them from these guys. *o)
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
((((hugs))))
I'm just reading for support tonight, but had to pop in for hugs and to let you know the detox thing can be severe. As I've been reading up on, alcohol detox can at times cause seizures or death if done cold turkey by a heavy user. If he is willing to get involved with his doctor and a rehab center that would be a major step.
If you haven't already, get going to Al-Anon meetings. There are lots of groups around so if one isn't a good fit keep looking and keep going, whether you stay with him or not. Best of luck to you both, but you especially. Be strong for yourself.
faith
I'm just reading for support tonight, but had to pop in for hugs and to let you know the detox thing can be severe. As I've been reading up on, alcohol detox can at times cause seizures or death if done cold turkey by a heavy user. If he is willing to get involved with his doctor and a rehab center that would be a major step.
If you haven't already, get going to Al-Anon meetings. There are lots of groups around so if one isn't a good fit keep looking and keep going, whether you stay with him or not. Best of luck to you both, but you especially. Be strong for yourself.
faith
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 5
50 First Dates is a good analogy you chose to use for the given situation. Each I hope its going to get better and sometimes it does and other times it just amazingly relapses before my eyes.
Thanks for responding and sharing your wisdom...it means a lot.
Thanks for responding and sharing your wisdom...it means a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Durham, North Carolina
Posts: 5
I have found the meeting place of al-anon and have made the committment to get a move on, b/c obviously this is tougher than I dreamed. Amazingly so many people go through this painful journey in life...whichever side a person is on. I miss the days of innocently sharing a glass of wine with my love. He is a good man, and I would love to see this unfold is a positive direction, but I do know that if I don't get help, I will dissolve it. Since when did love become such a challenge???? Perhaps I've dreamt the fairytale for too long and reality has a bigger grip suddenly???? Whatever the case, I will accept this challenge, but I must not get lost in it, a simple promise I must keep and with support its easier to keep. Thank you for you kindness and for taking the time to respond
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think we've all come here because "we've dreamt the fairy tale too long." You know, I'm not a fan of TV evangelists (they seem, well, just too money motivated in my opinion), but I was skipping between the channels over the Christmas holiday and happened to land on one of these shows. I was busy preparing Christmas dinner, so I just left the station were it was. And by golly, the minister offered a few words of wisdom. Imagine that.
The topic was relationships, specifically marriage. In summary, this minister explained that the trouble with relationships these days is that most people watch these fairy tale relationships unfold on television and in the movies, and they somehow begin to believe they're real. So, they begin to look for "the perfect relationship" themselves, when in reality it simply doesn't exist.
He said the reality is that relationships are hard work. There are good days and bad days, and often it seems there are more bad days than good. And we have to learn to live in the real world and let go of our fairy tale fantasies. He went on to say that if we didn't experience bad times then how could we recognize and appreciate when times are good?
Anyways, I found this food for thought and learned that even seemingly money-hungry TV evangelists can sometimes offer words of wisdom.
Now we return to our regular programming....
The topic was relationships, specifically marriage. In summary, this minister explained that the trouble with relationships these days is that most people watch these fairy tale relationships unfold on television and in the movies, and they somehow begin to believe they're real. So, they begin to look for "the perfect relationship" themselves, when in reality it simply doesn't exist.
He said the reality is that relationships are hard work. There are good days and bad days, and often it seems there are more bad days than good. And we have to learn to live in the real world and let go of our fairy tale fantasies. He went on to say that if we didn't experience bad times then how could we recognize and appreciate when times are good?
Anyways, I found this food for thought and learned that even seemingly money-hungry TV evangelists can sometimes offer words of wisdom.
Now we return to our regular programming....
Dee at Mt Bully
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Placerville, Ca
Posts: 251
I'm glad you came to this sight--you will recieve lots of good information. The 50
first dates comparison is so accurate. My AH passes out on the sofa everynight
between 7-8 and every morning he kisses me goodbye like nothing happened. I
have been living in the guest house for a few weeks and he still does the same
things. He just walks across the drive to say goodbye. It's amazing this world of
denial that As are able to live in. Good luck to you Sunshine--I have felt better
since I took over my own life also. It's still hard to watch him in his world but its
much easier since I have some space. Love and smiles--Dee
first dates comparison is so accurate. My AH passes out on the sofa everynight
between 7-8 and every morning he kisses me goodbye like nothing happened. I
have been living in the guest house for a few weeks and he still does the same
things. He just walks across the drive to say goodbye. It's amazing this world of
denial that As are able to live in. Good luck to you Sunshine--I have felt better
since I took over my own life also. It's still hard to watch him in his world but its
much easier since I have some space. Love and smiles--Dee
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